In Open Fields of Wild Flowers…

I love music, it inspires me. I love Jars of Clay’s song Love song for a Savior. I first found this song in high school. Back then I just listened to it because I liked the melody. Now, I sing it. Like the song says, “Someday she’ll understand the meaning of it all…” I still don’t understand the meaning of it ALL. But, I don’t think I’m supposed to in this life. I think I’m supposed to keep growing and learning how to see Him.

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

In the bible it talks about how if you seek a relationship and love God, Christ will make himself plain to you. (John 14:21)

I love how Jesus is making himself ‘plain’ to me. It’s like without being in His word, praying, worshiping, preparing, studying, learning – without turning toward Him at every moment I can remember too, I’m living life with blinders on, worse yet, foggy contacts AND blinders. It’s like He’s everywhere all the time, but I can’t see Him until I REALLY turn my eyes to Him.

Then and only then I begin to see that He’s everywhere. He’s speaking through other people’s dreams (yesterday’s blog), in multitudes of bumper stickers addressing the same thoughts I’ve working through at that moment, lessons of His love in what seem to be blatant terms in the (secular) shows I watch.

Recently, on a particular day of doubt in my life, in my regular driving routine, I was mulling over a thousand thoughts in my head. Just as I came around a corner, sitting in front of me, was a giant field. I had seen this field many times before and it had always looked to be abandoned, or at least barren and full of dirt. It is one of the last remaining crop fields in the area waiting to be covered with cement between the existing Walgreens and gas station on the same street. I have never seen anything grow there, and having passed it several times a week, it rarely gets my attention, even though it seems so out of place. On this particular day, distracted by my somber thoughts, I rounded the corner and it laid in full view in front of me - full of purple wild flowers, hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of them closely knit, just 2 to 3 inches above the ground, across the field, where dense vibrant purple wildflowers, just didn’t make sense. It was enough to stop me in awe (purple is one of my favorite colors). I needed that beauty that day, and the feeling that washed over me as I literally stopped my car in amazement was like He was handing me a bouquet. I’ve driven by it several times since then, and its converted back - just dirt waiting for the highest bidder on a busy street corner.

My eyes are slowly being opened and everyday I’m excited about where I’ll see Him next. But it's not like getting here has been easy. With my trust issues, my thought has always been, "How can you trust someone you don't know, and how can you really know someone you don't trust?" It is honestly me renewing myself EVERYDAY to Him, stepping outside my comfort zone, beyond myself and seeking Him.

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running

This ‘new vision’ startles me, stops me in my tracks and leaves me in awe. But why? If I truly believe what the bible says about His creation, why am I so in awe? Aren’t babies born everyday? If an animal that lays eggs could have an intelligent conversation with you, it would think you were crazy if you tried to explain the miracle of pregnancy and birth. What about air? My son had that revelation on the way to school the other day when he was talking about how interesting trees were. God made trees, they provide oxygen, but they also need our output, carbon dioxide, to grow. It sounds like something from a sci-fi novel, but that’s God. He creates and glorifies and lives in the flowers and the trees and birth and so much more beyond our understanding, but we go about our days with our blinders on and rarely stop to appreciate it, or even notice it at all.

I’ve been broken, I’ve been elated and at other times just content (or discontent). I’ve known Jesus, or at least I thought I did. I can recall the events that led to me wanting to take my own life to escape pain. And if I dwell on those transgressions, the searing pain can come back just as fierce, and with even more fury. Recently though, I’ve begun to understand. I don’t feel like I am anywhere near where I need to be, but just as the end of the song says,

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

I want to fall in love with Him. I want to be courted, given bouquets and thanking Him for them. I want to be honest and open and real in that, just as I am, I can fall in His arms, tears falling down and tell him just how much I want to fall in love with Him.

Verse to ponder: Matthew 5:6 (NLT) "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

In Dreams

My husband told me he had a dream last night. He doesn’t put any stock in dreams, “They are just dreams!” he tells me after I wake up from another usually emotionally wrought nightmare, giving him the lot of its gruesome details. He tells me he NEVER dreams.

But he apparently dreamed last night.

And when he told me the details, I was struck with the poignancy of it. As you know, I’ve recently started as a Volunteer Young Life leader and I take the roll very seriously. I pray for these kids, and I’m working through my own doubts and fears and feelings of inadequacy and feeling ashamed at my mistakes and faults. Today I was even searching online for books about becoming a volunteer youth leader and reading articles. I read a book my sister gave me called the Esther Effect, for insight. I have been praying that God will be able to use me as His instrument through this chapter in my life, specifically in Young Life, which is where I feel He has led me to be.

So here’s his dream (paraphrased):

I dreamed that I was in some military outfit being
attacked. There was war all around me. I had a gun too, a 9mm (it was yellow). I
saw you looking beautiful walking around and talking to the others under attack,
smiling. It wasn’t like you were oblivious to the war, you were just helping the
others, smiling and talking to each of them and looking pretty. And there was a
girl (just younger than you) following you around.

I’m not a dream interpreter, if that dreams are even developed to be analyzed, I don’t know. I always thought of dreams as the subconscious fodder working out the stresses, emotions and actions of our days (or based on what foods we ate last, meds we took or shows we watched just before bed). But his dream, a dream amongst so many years of dreamless nights comes right at the time I am questioning my place and asking for continued guidance. I’m questioning if I’ll be able to make a difference, thinking: what training do I have; what gives me credentials to lead youth, what if I unintentionally cause a student (or child) to stumble? The dream just seemed to be my answer and my peace for today.

I also read a quote today in the Esther Effect that stood out to me:

“When praying, do not give God instructions – report for duty.” –
Anonymous

I ask that God lead me to be the quiet in the storm, to help the kids see His refuge in the war (spiritual warfare). If He uses me to do that by leading the young, smiling, talking and “looking pretty” (in my actions, etc.) to help them, then so be it!

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 27: 1-3 (NLV)

“The Lord is my light and the One Who saves me. Whom should I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life. Of whom should I be afraid? When sinful men, and all who hated me, came against me to destroy my flesh, they tripped and fell. Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You.”

YL Kickball

I went to club again last night. It was SO much fun. The group quadrupled in size! I got to take pictures for the group and in doing so, had an excuse to get into the group, shake hands and learn names. I couldn't believe how many 'first timers' there were! It was amazing!

The club was just a giant kickball tournament with the kids and some of the leaders at two baseball fields. They had hooked up a sound system playing music, and I saw a few kids dancing while playing at the bases. At the end of the night I waited as most of the kids left. I got to meet even more kids and they had so many questions! It was definitely a new experience for me as I'm allowing myself to open up and reach out. They wanted to know how I knew about Young Life, when I graduated, what I did for a job, if I was married, how many kids, if I was in school, where I went to church, etc...

Another topic of the evening was YL camp. I saw groups of kids talking about it and heard a few of them talking about the cost. I walked up to them and heard their concerns. I told them to pray about it and get involved in some of the upcoming fund raisers. I am really wanting to go to camp, I just don't know how I'll be able to. It's for 8 days, and I'd have to find babysitting, as well as pay for camp (I'm not sure how much it is though). But the kids I met kept asking if I was going and saying, "You have to go! You're a leader!" I know they have needs for leaders at camp too with about 80 (I think) now signed up to go. I'll keep praying about it.

I also had several girls ask if there was a website or other online page with info about the meetings. They also wanted to know where they could see the pics I took. I'm meeting with the director tomorrow to talk about how I can maybe help to get a strong presence and communication online, not just for the kids, but to reach adults as well with info about Young Life, it's purpose and it's needs.

It was a great time, and the only problem I had was that when I got home, I was too jazzed to sleep! I find myself looking forward to Mondays, I'm bummed there's only two club nights left!

The verse for today is one that I found on a wallpaper graphic at C28.com. I think it's my new favorite verse, and my new favorite site.

Verse to ponder: 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, LOVE each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Overflow

At MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) last Friday, our speaker spoke briefly about some verses I'd never heard before. But they hit home as if they were written for me.

The speaker spoke about our 'overflow'. I learned through my reading and my past experiences in my life of what the bible says about what's in the heart and mind.

For instance, if a man (or woman) lusts after another woman (or man) with their heart and mind, they are in effect, committing adultery. I know this sounds silly...But, if a man where to go to his wife and say, "YES, you caught me. I was planning to be with her. I had set the date in my mind, and planned how I would do it, how I would cover my tracks and how I would cheat. BUT, I didn't go through with it! You can't be angry with me because I changed my mind, I didn't actually DO it."

I'll put it another way. If a man were to go to his wife and say, "YES, I admit it. I planned to kill you. I planned how and when and by what method. I thought about it everyday and knew how I could get away with it. I set the actions in motion, BUT, I didn't go through with it! You can't be angry with me, just because I planned it!"

UM, YES, I can. So you see how matters of the heart and mind, well, matter.

Let's take another spin on it. The bible says that what the heart and mind contain, the mouth overflows. It also talks about our love overflowing for each other.

I thought this was interesting. I'm a visual person, so I saw myself and what might be in my heart and mind at different points in my life, and how I responded or reacted to those around me.

When my heart and my thoughts were focused my pain, I overflowed with rage, profanity, anger and accusations (even if not warranted), vocalized to those closest to me. When I was focused on those that betrayed me, on the acts that were traumatizing to me and my family, to the hurtful words put in my direction, I was filled with them, in my heart and mind. I acted out. My overflow was a direct reflection of this.

To take it a step down, when my heart and mind were filled with the stress of my job, finances, marriage tension, I remember my overflow. I was short with my words toward my kids, I shut off from anyone and retreated into myself. I ignored what was going on around me. I remember actually saying, "Can't I just go somewhere and not have to help someone or wind up getting hurt, can't I just BE?"

Let's flip it. I remember when my son was saved, it was just two summers ago. I was beyond proud and thankful, my heart was literally brimming with my love for him, and my love for Christ and for the grace he had given my son. On the day of his baptism, I stood beside him up in the baptistery, which is miked. I'm sure the whole crowd heard my sobs and sounds of joy I couldn't suppress. My heart overflowed.

Lately I've feeling a new kind of overflow. I've been doing my best to get in the Word daily, even if it's online, or through a past bible study book. I've been writing music and playing my guitar in worship, I've been studying to write this blog and preparing myself for Young Life through prayer. Because of this, I'm starting to see my new overflow. I'm desiring to be more involved with my kids, not just playing, but teaching them about what I'm learning. I'm more gracious to my husband and my children with my words. I'm realizing how much I complain! Yuck! And I'm doing my best to fix it. I'm slower to anger. I'm becoming more patient. I'm finding my heart softening. I'm not a person who generally cries. I've found that my heart has hardened because of my past, and because I've been trying to protect myself. Lately, I'm not able to keep my emotions of love, joy, pride, etc, so shut off. My overflow has again changed.

Of course I have to keep myself in check daily. What is in my heart and mind? What is my overflow?

Verses to ponder:

Luke 6:43-45 (The Message)
"You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 (NIV)
May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.

One Man's Commitment

I found this on a The Way of the Master website, that I stumbled upon through my Yahoo news page of all places. I was just in awe of the man's words and it causes me to pause and reflect on myself and my faith. Is my banner clear?

by Dr. Bob Moorehead

In 1980 a young man from Rwanda was forced by his tribe to either renounce Christ or face certain death. He refused to renounce Christ, and he was killed on the spot. The night before he had written the following commitment which was found in his room:

“I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed, the die has been cast, I have stepped over the line, the decision has been made- I’m a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed vision, worldly talking, cheap giving & dwarfed goals.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I won’t give up, shut up, let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up for the cause of Jesus Christ.

I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till everyone knows, work till He stops me & when He comes for His own, He will have no trouble recognizing me because my banner will have been clear.”

Verse to ponder: Romans 8:35-39(NLV)

35 Who can keep us away from the love of Christ? Can trouble or problems? Can suffering wrong from others or no food? Can it be because of no clothes or because of danger or war? 36 The Holy Writings say, "Because of belonging to Jesus, we are in danger of being killed all day long. We are thought of as sheep that are ready to be killed." (Psalm 44:22) 37 But we have power over all these things through Jesus Who loves us so much. 38 For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot! Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future cannot! 39 The world above or the world below cannot! Any other living thing cannot keep us away from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

Outside vs. inside

I was thinking today about how I’m changing. I mean, I’ll be honest, I haven’t really been that ‘high maintenance lately’, without a job and finances tight, I haven’t really left the house much except to be the ‘mom taxi’ for the kids to and from school. So needless to say, my makeup bag has been left untouched and I can’t tell you the last time I shaved. HA!

BUT, I have still been thinking about how much effort, even I, having worn the same clothes for the last two days, spend on my outside. Ok, now that you are thoroughly grossed out by my hygiene let me explain!

I would probably say if I had to give up my house, my dishwasher or even my favorite pair of sneakers, I would probably pitch a fit. Something like the kicking and screaming of a toddler comes to mind, if not that, then I would at least complain and make sure my discomfort was heard and the injustice I would feel I had suffered would be made known. This sounds silly, but when you think of it in a larger scale it just gets ridiculous.

I can recall just over a year ago I justified the purchase of an expensive dress suit to my husband as something I would need for my ‘job’. I got my nose pierced last fall to ‘fit in’ with the kinds of people I was around all the time in the line of work I was pursuing. I could have and can justify anything I have done or said if I needed too clear my conscience or make you see it my way. Recently I got what I considered a really bad haircut, I couldn’t stop messing with it, and wishing I had more hats to cover it and obsessing over when could I get another hair cut to fix it so I could feel better about it and the people who had to endure looking at it. I even spent hours on my internet researching hairstyles and the latest hair trends and copying pictures to save to look at.

Seriously?

I think as humans, especially where and at the time we live in, we spend enormous amounts of time concerned with our outsides. I tell my children that when they wake up as soon as their feet hit the floor to thank God for the day, for their feet and the ability to use them, for the possibilities that they could be used for Him throughout the day. And yet I agonize over a bad haircut and I plan out my outfit weeks in advance of an event, or save up money so I can tan.

Ok, so let’s pause for a moment.

I’m NOT saying that tanning is a SIN. I’m not saying that wanting that new car is in itself a sin. I don’t believe that God doesn’t want us to delight in things, I just KNOW that he doesn’t want us to make idols of them, which is in effect what we, what I am doing, by spending my time focused on those things, WORRIED about those things, and putting God on the back burner, or worse yet, forgetting Him or what He has for me to do for Him altogether.

I have to fight everyday to focus on Him FIRST. Delight in things of this world last, and when I do, giving glory to Him for my blessings, sharing that delight with others while I’m delighting in it, sharing a part of my inside for HIM, rather than displaying my outside for THEM.

What do people see when they see me??

It scares me to think that question. Do they see the package I’ve dressed up to keep up with the Jones', my puffed out chest and display of peacock feathers in a bragging fashion, or do they see God when they see me? I've been so busy keeping up with the trends, finding the latest and greatest comfort and instant gratification gadgets and methods, instead of seeking His will. I've been trying to become like the world instead of trying to become like Christ.

I've been putting on the 'uniform' of society, of this world instead of the armor of God.

There is a quote in my bible study that I like: "Jesus said, 'Follow me.' His desire is that His Word and His Spirit be our guides for this life. Being a follower of Jesus Christ means becoming more and more like Him- letting His Spirit transform us into all we were created to be. That happens, dear friend, from the inside out." - Luci Swindoll

Verse to Ponder: Romans 12:2 (NLT)

2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

What he said...

The following is from an interview of Rick Warren, the author of Purpose Driven Life and other books.

People ask me, "What is the purpose of life?" And I respond: "In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We are made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven."One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn’t going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that’s not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life, but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don’t believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you’re going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.

It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don’t think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway though last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God’s purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don’t get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn’t put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He’s more interested in what I am than what I do.

That’s why we’re called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD

Painful moments, TRUST GOD

Every moment, THANK GOD

VERSE TO PONDER for today is taken from Rick's message above.

Here are a couple verses from those chapters:

II Corinthians 9: 6-9 (NLT) 6 Remember this—a farmer who plants only a few seeds will get a small crop. But the one who plants generously will get a generous crop. 7 You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.”8 And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. 9 As the Scriptures say,

“They share freely and give generously to the poor.
Their good deeds will be remembered forever.”^[d]

Happiness??

I remember being 17.

It was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I struggled to deal with the many events of that year and the ones that would follow it. I remember sitting in the office of my then youth pastor at church with my mom and feeling completely fatigued and destroyed by my pain. I also felt the burden of my pain on those around me and I felt guilty for it as if it were something I could control. I remember crying and wailing to my youth pastor that everyday, EVERY day that I woke up all I saw around me was pain, in people's eyes, everywhere I went, everything I read, I was surrounded by it, consumed with it. I felt like a magnet for it. I was so deep within my pain and the thought that others like me that might be experiencing what I was that I honestly felt I couldn't bear it any longer. Instead of trusting God, turning to Him for strength and help, I was drowning in, and focused solely on, my own agony. I begged God, pleaded and cried every night that He would take me home. I remember feeling so hurt in the morning when I woke up that He would leave me here in this place and not take me to be with Him.

What I didn't understand then and still continue to learn now is that God is of love. What? Wait, didn't I just say that I was in so much pain that I couldn't function? So much hurt that I didn't want to live? Yes. But, still God is love.

Let me explain. I have learned since I was 17 that God is more concerned about my eternity, about all of our eternities, than of our worldly or immediate happiness on this planet. Of course He wants us to be free of pain, but if that pain or struggle we are facing is one that can ultimately work as part of His plan to free us to be with Him for eternity, if that agony or suffering is one that we must endure so that OTHERS can live for eternity, then this is His primary goal.

At first glance this may not seem fair. But it is beyond mercy, to a point that I cannot even fathom and am now, in hindsight thankful for. I'm continually learning to turn my eyes on Him, instead of focusing on my pain. Reaching to Him for strength, for wisdom. I am thankful He didn't take me in the night as I begged, because He had a bigger plan for me, one that included me to be a mom to children I would be responsible for training and guiding to know Him. My pain and struggles had prepared me for the battle that is sin, to be able to lead others, to be an example. To be a LIVING sacrifice.

When you think of it in that manner, it makes perfect sense. God sent His only son to endure all the pain and punishment and betrayal and mockery of sin that this world put upon Him to free us from our punishment in eternity. Is it really that much to ask that we be a living sacrifice to Him?

I am also reminded by what Jesus prayed to His father the night before he was to be crucified, (Luke 22:42): "Father, if you are willing, please take away this cup of horror from me. But I want YOUR WILL, NOT MINE." Jesus knew what was coming and knew what He was going to endure, and being born a human, asked God to take it from him. But the clincher is, He said, "YOUR WILL, NOT MINE." He knew that if it was of God to have him go through what he was about to go through for a higher purpose, to save man, then He would willingly do so and not stand in the way of it, fight it, or blame God for it.

In my bible study book for this week it says, "What would you say is harder to do - to die for someone, or to live for them?" We are to lay our lives down for each other, even through pain, even when we feel like it is impossible for us to hang on any longer, even when we feel like we can't get off the floor to stand. Just as Paul did in His imprisonment, as Job did when all He knew and loved was taken from Him, we are to turn toward God, not blame Him, THANK him for the opportunity to grow and to reach others THROUGH our common struggles, within our common circumstances.

I still struggle everyday with the memory of the pain I endured, and will probably do so for the rest of my life. But my family and I didn't come through it alone. I just didn't realize it then.

Verse to ponder: Psalm 46:1-3 (NLT) 1 God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. 2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. 3 Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

First YL Club Night!!

Well, I went to my first Young Life Club night tonight just down the street. I'm not 'official' yet, but I went anyway. It was a blast! They had the kids bob for apples blindfolded, with the blindfolded kids not knowing that there were also goldfish in the tub! They also had some kind of ninja helicopter thing...the kids all put pantyhose on their heads with a tennis ball in the end and swung it around with their heads like a helicopter. The point was to entangle their helicopter with someone else's and yank it off their heads. It was probably the most hilarious thing I've seen in quite a while! They also did leg wrestling (an on-the-floor version of arm wrestling) and had a skit with some of the leaders dressed up singing. On top of that they had a full band and singers and at the end they had one of the leaders speak for about 5 to 8 minutes on what it means to have a relationship with Jesus and how we all screw up and for some of us, we are just as horrified and deflated by our own actions. However, we are weak and He is strong. She also spoke about Jesus's "bestie" Peter and how he denounced Christ before his crucifixion, and also wanted what others had and wasn't satisfied. She went on to say that a true relationship with Christ would "rock your world". I was so impressed with how to the point the message was and how much the kids really were in tune to it as I scanned the room.

The kids were just awesome. I'd say there were about 30 or 40 there. I also found out at this meeting that while the city YL director had been on a mission trip that the kids had come together and organized a fund raiser on their own to gather money for the director and his family. They even convinced our church to do an 'extreme home makeover' for their family.

The kids were welcoming and kind, as were the leaders, who already seemed to know me and why I was there when I walked in.

I am going to start praying for these kids now, and the growth of this organization that has the potential to reach so many youth, for the resources and the many leaders they still need (and a facility, their's was damaged in the recent storms), and whatever He has in mind for my part within it.

It was SO much fun! Next week is a kickball tournament! I'll keep you updated!

Oh, and I was nervous, because I am so terrible with names. But I can think of about 15 of the kids and leaders that I would be able to recognize and name next week. God even helps out with the little stuff!

Preparing myself

As you may or may not know, I've been preparing myself to become a volunteer Young Life leader. I asked over and over for a peace and a clear understanding that it was what I was supposed to do. If you've read my blog, you'll see where I feel I got that peace and understanding. I still have the Volunteer Packet to turn in, and my first "club night" is the Monday to check it out. I have been preparing myself for when I am 'official' by reading my bible and thinking about myself as a student and questions I had then, and thought that I would start with my son, who is only 8 (will be 9 soon though!) and see what he thought and what questions he had. (He was saved in 2006.)

I asked him, "What happens when someone dies?" His response was, "I don't know, they have to tell God about all of their sins," (he was speaking about standing before God on Judgement day). I said, "Ok, well, what about here on Earth? Do we have to DO anything to go to heaven?" He drew me a picture and said, "I kinda always thought it was like this:"
He said, "If you do a good thing you can step one step closer to God and a bad thing puts you one step closer to Satan."

I asked him who told him this; where he had heard it or seen it drawn like that. He said that's just what he always thought (mind you he accepted Christ already) and that's what he thinks pretty much anyone would believe.

My heart was heavy knowing that he had been saved, and knew how to tell someone about it (because at that time he did, he knew how to explain it even better than me), but now a couple of years later he had done what most of the world believe, and what some Christians (meaning those that have accepted Christ), but since the time of their salvation have fallen into the world, have done.

SO I drew him a new picture:

I told him that he was separate from God because we were all born into sin and punishment for that was to be separate from him, thereby spending eternity in Hell.

His face looked scared! He said, "But I try to be good! I don't want to sin!"

I told him, I know! Most of the world doesn't mean too. But because we are imperfect, we still do. He said, "but even if we don't mean too, we will still not get to be with God?"

I put it another way. I was pulled over the other day and got a ticket. It was for an expired inspection. I didn't mean to not get my car inspected, I had completely forgotten about it - and had ignored doing what I was supposed to do, even though I didn't mean to do wrong. I had to pay a fine of $102 at the courts. I told him it would be like me going to the judge and saying, I didn't mean too! I promise, I just got it inspected now, here's the proof! I'm sorry, can't you just ignore the fine! But I had neglected to get it done (for FIVE months) and my fine was due.

It would be just like if a stranger came into the court and said, "Judge, I love her. I've been waiting for her to know me since before she was born, I care for her and I will pay her fine and take her punishment."

I went back to the picture I drew. I put a bridge across between the two cliffs from Zach to God and I said, son, because you have already accepted Jesus, meaning that you believe that he died on the cross for your sins and took your punishment away, became your substitute, you can cross and be with God in Heaven (and I drew the vertical line across the bridge, making a cross, representing Jesus dying on the cross for our sins).

Romans 3:22 (NLT) explains it better:

"We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.

23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, 26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.

27 Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith. 28 So we are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law."

I asked him if he understood. He said, but what if I sin again, even if I don't mean too? I told him that because his debt has been paid, his heart has been changed, and the bible says that:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deut. 31:6

Once we have become Christians, we will always be a child of God. He will not ever leave us, or forsake us. He asks that we repent (which means more than just admit, but TURN AWAY from our sins and ask God not only to forgive us, but to help us to turn away from what we know isn't right.)

The bible also says, in John 14:21:"The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that's who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him."

He changes our heart, and waits for us to turn to him. It doesn't mean we automatically become perfect (we will never BE perfect). It doesn't mean that we will live the rest of our lives without pain, it simply means that we will live eternity with Him and during our short time on earth we can trust in Him to bring us strength and turn to Him, instead of our own understanding. Our path won't be easy, it will be narrow, but He will guide us and shed light upon our path and in the times we think it's too hard, or that we can't continue, it's then when he carries us.

So, I'm learning too. It takes getting a ticket and talking to a child to bring me back to the truth I've known but doubted.

Here's a verse to ponder today, one that as I child I memorized, one most of the world could probably recite, believers and non-believers alike. It's truth is real regardless:

John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life. "

And I really like the message version: (vs. 16-18)

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.

It's a choice.

Do I TRUST you?

It has seemed too hard for me to trust people because of my past. However, I find myself slowly changing as my spiritual relationship evolves, and since my focus has been on Him, instead of me. I catch myself in situations with new people thinking a couple of things, are they sincere? and what are their true motives? This comes from a built-in defense mechanism of my survivalist human nature.

The downside is that this 'safe' life, the one I created to be 'free' of the possibility of pain or even the vulnerability to be given to another human leaves me shut off and alone in my own 'pain prison'. This also stems into forgiveness, and my struggles with it. However foolishly I feel about NOT wanting to forgive someone or something, it's because deep down I feel it gives them a 'get out of jail free card' that I feel they don't deserve. Again, by holding on to NOT forgiving and by sheltering myself behind walls I put up, I keep myself from what God intended for me and those lives I may affect knowingly or not. I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE for keeping me focused on that pain, not the person(s) who caused it and thereby I am in effect showing my doubt in God, by not giving it to Him to take care of.

I sometimes feel like Jonah, wanting to run away from confrontation, or in my life, even meeting new people and extending myself to them. But if God is my strength, and God can forgive me, or in the case of Jonah, forgive him for his disobedience and forgive an entire corrupt city, then who am I to hold this grudge against my past transgressors or those I meet in the future that I have already judged to have the capability of harming me?

It all comes down to fear. False Evidence Appearing Real.

I learned recently (from VeggieTales!!) that fear and confusion are not from God (duh). So if I trudge through my days with my walls and my "security systems" engaged, I am doubting God and not turning to Him for strength. I am also not reaching out and reaching others for His kingdom. I am being selfish.

I'm done being selfish. If you read the lyrics to the songs He's given me:

"My eyes showed the lies that I wanted them to see
I've created these walls in an effort to be free

But You came and You sacrificed
For me to live, you chose to die

And now my eyes are OPEN wide
You are everywhere, You are alive!"

Here's a verse to ponder: "Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you." 1 Peter 5:7

He gives me strength, He gives me peace!

Glad I'm not the only one!

Ok, so I stumbled upon this passage and I love it because it shows that we all struggle. I find comfort knowing that ALL humans, even those great names and servants in the Bible are sinners, and struggle like I do. I like knowing that with all my flaws, my mistakes, my doubt, my past and present ups and downs that I can still come as I am and be who I am, and have a growing relationship with Christ.

Here's the passage (version from 'The Message'):

This is Paul talking to the Christians in Rome and believers everywhere. It's taken from Romans 7:16-25.

"Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

He gives in ABUNDANCE!

God is good. I know we should know that. I know we aren't supposed to doubt it, at least not as much as I find myself doubting it.

Dusty's job situation was looking scary since the first of the year, long story short he lost pay for silly reasons and it was putting us in a pretty good strain with this struggling economy. I have been so discontent since this had happened because I wanted to find a way to help financially, but with the 4 days notice he was given half-way through the school year, finding a part-time job that would make enough to pay for day care or have the minimum hours to allow me to take and pick up the kids and still have Jaedyn Monday and Friday just wasn't happening. I finally gave the matter up to my MOPS group and closest friends and family to help me pray for. Over a month ago I emailed the Young Life Directors in Allen to ask questions about becoming a Volunteer leader. I didn't know if I was equipped, of course, like I mentioned, I was full of doubt. And it's a VOLUNTEER position, so it wouldn't help my home situation, but still I felt led. I started a bible study, prayed everyday, made a commitment to read His word everyday (not part of my previous routine). Yesterday I went to the meeting and I told you (in the last blog) about how I feel God was making His voice heard. Well, he gives in Abundance!!

Not only did Dusty get his old position back, but got a dollar raise, and I found out this afternoon that he just found out how his whole crew got a bonus of about $300. PLUS, they want him to start Monday, instead of the end of the month AND they want him to do it the Sunday through Thursday shift, thereby giving him automatic Sunday time and a half, plus he'll still have the option to coach Zach's soccer team and go to church with us on Sunday.

GOD IS GOOD!!!

Young Life

I met with the Allen Young Life directors yesterday for lunch. After praying and consulting those I trust for over a month now, AND asking God for a CLEAR path and sign. The meeting went very well.

Two things happened today that have helped me find even more peace in a decision to join Young Life. One, I grabbed a notebook out of my car just before coming into Tin Star today and dumped all of its contents into my car seat. When I came back from lunch and got in my car, I prayed again about the decision based on meeting both of the directors. I looked down before starting my car and found a bookmark (that had apparently fallen out of the notebook) stuck in my console. I pulled it out and recognized it although I hadn't looked at it since it had been given to me by MOPS last September. In bold letters the length of the bookmark it reads, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. Furthermore, on the back, it reads, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3. (In my bible it explains the verse: We can never avoid strife in the world around us, but with God we can know perfect peace even in the midst of turmoil. Supported by God's unchanging love and mighty power, we are not shaken by the surrounding chaos.)

Also, I mentioned in previous blogs, my husband's job situation and our finances. His current job situation has been one of concern and worry to us both for the past few months. After I met with YL today, Dusty called me and told me he was offered his old night position back beginning April 28. Along with it, his previous (higher) salary.

I believe today God has shown me in clear, no uncertain terms that these are the plans he has for me, and through him I (and my family) now have the peace we have been struggling for recently.

Lyrics - "Make me Move"

Surrounded by this mess
I sit in the darkness
And I will confess
I brought most of it here

You know that about me
Even though I hide it well
And You never have doubted
Even though I doubt myself

CHORUS

I give you my heart

Make me move
Break me out from within
I'm ready to begin
Show me the way
I'll lay it all down
Let me know all that You are

I give you my heart

My eyes show the lies
That I want them to see
I created these walls
In an effort to be free

But you came and You sacrificed
For me to live, You chose to die
Now my eyes are opened wide
You're everywhere, You are alive

CHORUS

These simple words aren't enough
For who You are, for how You love

CHORUS

(I haven't come up with a guitar part yet...)

Lyrics - "Your Child"

I am not quiet
and I'm rarely still
To hear Your voice
Is an effort of my will

I am ashamed
Of the scars that I bear
Of the things I have done
When I forgot You were there

CHORUS

But You helped Esther
Just an ordinary girl

And You helped Moses
so full of doubt

And You helped David
to defeat that bigger man

If they can, I can

'Cause I, I am Your child
I, I am Your child

And You've saved me
By the palms of Your hands
So who am I to question
Just what You have planned

CHORUS

I am Your child x3

(I have the guitar part for this one.)

Lyrics - "Just for Today"

Without You, I would never last a day
The bittersweet nothings of this world
would guide my way
I'd have no reason to wanna see the Son shine
So just for today, let Your will be mine

All alone, I would hide away
Beneath the shelter of my sin and shame
I'd have no reason to be the giving kind
So just for today, let Your love be mine

CHORUS

I'm gonna take it day by day
I don't want to be the one
that gets in the way
Just for today

On my own, I wouldn't turn the other cheek
I'd be unforgiving, judging the people I meet
I'd have no reason to ever want to change my mind
So just for today, let Your mercy be mine

CHORUS

Just for today

Without You I would never last a day

(I've got a guitar part for this one too.)

Slowwwwly.... (reposted from previous blog)

I am trying to commit to do two new things daily. 1) Read my bible. 2) Play my guitar. My fingers have full-blown calluses on them now, so I can practice longer without feeling like my fingers are going to explode (they would get so swollen and painful!). What's weird is that I've just (seriously) started teaching myself and I've written 1 song and one verse/hook of another. They are Christian songs, and they just seem to spill out of me. It's weird. I got one in the shower, part of the other in a dream, and the rest in an hour after my morning devotional. I can "hear" whole arrangements in my head, all the instruments together and separated, I just don't know how to play them all (yet) or write the notes for them.

I'm not claiming they are awesome, and what's weird is that my desire to "be" something is slowly giving way. I have been so discontent lately, and now that I'm forcing my focus with my two new habits, it's just well, weird. A year ago if I would have been able to write, I would have been so excited about playing/singing it somewhere. Now I just want it to be right and if someone else can add to it/play it correctly, use it for worship somewhere...that would be more fulfilling to me.

Anywho, maybe if I get more confident with the guitar, I'll record these and put them somewhere...we'll see.

:)

NEW BLOG

My other one was giving me fits, so here's to second chances!

Gotta love that "new blog smell"!

I'm going to move some of my posts from the other blog here...just so that my current blogging makes sense. That is to say that it ever did!!

HA!