It's not so far away

It's not ancient memory. It's not a past life. It's just a nightmare, a 'trigger', a getting-worn-down- and-letting-myself-be-consumed moment away. It's an ever looming shadow cloud that waits patiently for my defenses to be down. Sometimes it lies and tries to convince me that it would be easier if I just succumb to it.

My past and it's deep scars are ever-present daily. Sometimes even hourly. It's not something that I will ever just 'get over', it's not something I can win. Sure I've been able to push it back, defend myself against it, get stronger through Him that strengthens me. But it never goes away. And just when I feel like I'm 'normal' again, Satan uses my weakness, my kryptonite against me in waves of deception, lies, guilt and pain.

I dreamed last night about it all. Not in detail but like a watercolor wash of the demons that surround me ready to pounce. I know their control over me, if I would just give in. But I know He is there for me now; to lean on, to find courage, to make me strong, to give me forgiveness and mercy.

I LOVE, love, LOVE finding new music. I found this group called Jackson Waters. Their song "Come Undone" feels like my anthem. There is a spiritual war all around me, this much I know. I have to fight against it to rise above it. It's a daily battle. I just have to turn to Him and be washed over, enveloped by Him to survive.

Come Undone

There are ways I’ve been fallin'
There are times I’ve been so weak
There are moments I hear redemption calling
But I’m too far down to speak

Chorus
Come sweet fire of mercy
Cover up my skin
Warm me like the sun
Won’t you let me in
To come, come undone

There are scars that I‘ve been hiding
There are ghosts that I do not name
There are closets I do not care to open
They open all the same

Chorus

Verse to Ponder: 1 Peter 5:8-10 (NLT)

8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 9 Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.