This is what it means to be restored. Granted, I am still a work in progress, but I know sitting here now in this moment that I am what He promised I would be.
I guess I didn't understand just how screwed up I really was. Up until as recent as a few months ago, I still felt damaged. I felt like I wasn't able to be fixed. Even though I had grown up, gotten past a lot, I still felt the all consuming anger of rage, frustration, guilt of not being able to, or not wanting to forgive and just what that meant. I felt trapped by these thoughts of doubt, fear and anger keeping myself in a perpetual state of 'victim', even though being labeled that made me angry in itself. I could remember like it was yesterday begging God to take me home, and feeling completely hopeless to the point of justifying my acts of attempted suicide, self medication and self inflicted injury. I remember wanting to die all over again when I lost the child. I blamed myself. I never knew, but had I not tried so hard to end my life, I wouldn't have ended my child's in the process. I was unforgivable. I remember not being able to trust to the point of not letting ANYONE close. Judging people before I met them, that they too would find a way to use, manipulate and hurt me. I remember thinking all I ever saw anywhere and anytime was pain and anguish and because of that, I didn't think anything was worth it. I remember hiding away in my room, finding ways to isolate, to disconnect, to hide because I was broken and didn't have anything left to give, and what ever I did have left I was just certain would be taken from me again, used selfishly and then thrown back in my face as I would surely be mocked and betrayed again and again and again. If not, if they really knew me, they'd be disappointed or even disgusted as so many had been, or I at least thought they had been.
I remember begging God for reasons, blaming him, with fists in rage for all that I had gone through. I remember thinking surely I had disappointed everyone I had ever known, even my children and my husband because I was so destroyed that I couldn't possibly be worth anything to them either, and in fact was probably messing them up too. I remember feeling like a burden. I remember feeling like I could never forgive myself.
I sit here now, in tears. But these are fresh ones. These are tears of resolve, of joy, of the newness that has come through the ongoing restoration given me by the One that promised He would. I have been picked up, dusted off, cleaned up and polished. I have been cradled, tears wiped from my face, lifted up and set free. I have been understood, accepted, cherished and refreshed. The blinders have been taken off; the evil-filled glasses I once wore, removed. I am no longer damaged, because my King has already taken all that on for me. He cries with me, he carries me when I've given up and opted for my space in the dark quiet floor in the corners of my isolation. I AM FORGIVEN. He is my redeemer; He has started me fresh. He has accepted my flaws, my fears, my rage, my anger, my mistakes, my mistrust, my selfishness, my doubt, my guilt, all of what I mistakenly thought was my identity and loved me in a way I could never imagine. Because of this He has brought out my hope, my peace, my trust, my forgiveness, my will, my freedom, my confidence, my sweet celebration of all things that are worth living for, everything that he died for, and made me beautiful and new.
I watched this past weekend as teens in YL told their testimonies at our Banquet. I saw in so many faces and heard in so many voices exactly what I had felt for so, so, so long. And it clicked. I wasn't ever alone, I just chose to sink down into myself even though he was there fighting for me, waiting for me, crying for me to draw close to him, to return to him. And now, I have and I'm beginning again on the other side. I know it will take the rest of my life to really feel like all of this is behind me, but I'm so thankful for that, so grateful, because during that process I can only know him more, fall in love with him more and share everyday with everyone what He's done for me.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 18:1-6, 16-20, 28-30, 46-49 (NIV) I love you, O LORD, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies. You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; I will sing praises to your name.
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