Finally, a voice...

Last night I wrote a letter to him. I sat in my room and just started writing. Almost ten pages later I realized that the chances he will ever get the letter were slim, but somehow, I was able to tell him everything I wanted to say - whether he ever gets to hear the words or not.

I feel like back then, everything went so quickly, got taken over and out of hand, and screwed up...and I just got lost in it. I'm not sure if I would have or could have done anything differently, but I do know the way it all went down after that night was never able to bring me closure, in fact, the aftermath whirlwind that followed only made things much, much, MUCH worse. I wonder what would have happened had I been forced to sit face to face with him. If I could have functioned in the same room, what would I have said? What would he have said? Could this have all been handled differently? I will never know.

Over the years I've been so angry, feeling like a huge part of me was ripped out, and not by just him. I feel like I lost a part of my personality, my identity, and this many years later, I still struggle trying to get it back. Sometimes I feel like if just that night alone were all that had happened, I could have been able to move past it...eventually. But the trauma stemmed from that moment and got twisted and awful and terrifying and wrong so fast, and didn't stop until almost a year later. It's 'aftershock' would then continue on until now.

So I wrote him the letter. I'm going to keep it until looking at it no longer means anything to me. Maybe one day I'll actually get my face to face with him and can be satisfied that I said all I needed to say and that he didn't have any affect on me anymore.

I don't know how I stumbled on this song today, it kind of caught me off guard that it was just there in front of me. It's Damaged by the group Plumb.

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I can't go back
I must go on

I know that the only way I can get beyond this is through Christ. It makes me angry that after 11 years I can still be sent backward, and that this still affects so many different aspects of my life. But I have to rely on my knowing that I'm just not strong enough on my own, and that's ok. I know God can restore me, I know I can go on. Just wish it was sooner that later...

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 31:24 (NKJV) Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

And all I go through, it leads me to You..

I'm not Alright by Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

[Chorus:]
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong.

[Chorus:]

I'm not alright... that's why I need you.

PAUSE THE MUSIC TO THE LEFT TO HEAR THE SONG...



Verse to Ponder: Psalm 60:11-12 (NKJV) Give us help from trouble, for the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies.

A better perspective this time

Yesterday I went to see a counselor, one I had seen a few years back, just to talk to someone who wasn't so invested in me, so close to the pain. Seeing her helped me stop and think about things, mainly, that I don't have to do anything, at least right now. I can have all the facts, weigh the pros and cons, get a grip on myself - my emotions - before I chose to respond, or not, to this person of my past.

I can't say I'm okay with everything, in the last two days I've slept a total 24 hrs, and I've only eaten once. Not exactly healthy I know, but when I'm awake my thoughts get the best of me (I think I have the world record for being able to sit and stare at a wall outlet), and eating makes me nauseous. I know enough to know it's just a defense mechanism. My mind is having my body take over so I don't get hurt. I just have to fight against it, because I know what comes next if I give in and become on true 'auto-pilot'. I begin to shut down. I've already seen the signs. I have no drive to do anything, clean, make lunches, have conversations, smile...I can literally just 'turn off' in the middle of mundane tasks, and it scares me.

I have chosen to continue writing here. I am not naive enough to think that no one is reading this, but I'm not writing it for that reason. Sure, if something read here helps you understand something or someone, I'm grateful for that. But mostly, writing about all of this is something I'm doing to help me process, like writing a journal. I know I can't be too personal, but giving details isn't necessary to 'get outside my head' on this.

I am praying that I will be able to come through this, to for once begin a new story. I've been 'victim' for so long, and I'm just tired. And as my husband made me painfully aware last night, my son is of the age to know that I'm hurting, know something has changed, and I'm responsible for affecting him.

I'm trying. I catch myself with rapid-fire thoughts full of mixed emotions and I stop and change course. It doesn't work every time, but it's a start. I also thought today for the first time in 11 years...I want to see him. I want to be face to face with him and let him know everything, to really let him know just what he's asking of me. I want to know I'm not scared of him, not even angry at him anymore. I want to see him and feel nothing. I want closure.

But I know I'm probably just reacting. Seeing him may do the opposite and send me back down a direction I don't want to go. I don't know. I just know this time around, I want to DO something, make change, have the book closed so I can finally be free of all of this and move on. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this keeps coming up for me to deal with after all of this time because I am now supposed to actually DEAL with it. If I do nothing, will I forever be trapped in this pain, forever wondering? If I answer in anger, will it solve anything? If I do what he wants, will it bring me peace, or will I regret it? I want to be right. I want a clear answer as to what I should do.

In reading today I ran across a Psalm that touched my heart. It's what I've been begging God for during the last two days.

Verses to Ponder: Psalm 69:14-18 (TNIV) Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.

And it all falls down....

******WRITTEN LAST NIGHT*******

I was trying to think of why I sometimes go through life on eggshells, thinking things have gotten "too good", and the bottom is about to fall out. I know it's not biblical, I know my beliefs, and I know it's not right (correct) or true feeling that way, but it has to stem from somewhere...

I think I know why now.

This afternoon I opened my myspace and saw an email. I began to read it and my heart sank. I became nauseous, I stood, the color draining from my face as hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. I slowly walked upstairs to my husband because I felt like I was crumbling; at any minute I would just shatter in a million pieces on the floor. He saw my shocked face, my hands and body visibly shaking and immediately began to ask what was wrong, were the kids okay, what was going on...I couldn't speak. When I did he couldn't hear me, it was as if my throat was clinched up so I couldn't dare utter the words..."HE emailed me."

My husband didn't understand and went downstairs to the computer to see. He was immediately angry. This person who's many actions had sent a wake through the next 11 years of my life, and of those that care for me so profoundly, that mention of his name, even attached to strangers can cause me to flinch. The initial act in itself may not have been what has scarred me so deeply, but the way my life would be affected in so many ways, by so many events and so many people following it, did. The act itself was the catalyst, the 'ground zero' of everything else that was to come.

And here on my laptop, I could almost hear his voice as he spoke to me in his letter. Basically, he asked that I help him. He pleaded that I help him erase this past so he could go on in his life to be a good father, to his 18 month old little girl. Without my help (supposedly) he wouldn't have the options of being a coach, being on the PTA, etc. He apologized for the first time ever and he said he wished me and those I love the best. It seemed genuine, but I was wrought with so many different emotions so quickly, my head was spinning (literally, it made me ill).

The weird thing is, if I'm honest, for the first time in 11 years, I feel sorry for him. Over the years triggers of this past have sent my mind and body over the edge, barely making it back, although when I do, I've made it back stronger every time. Two years ago when I fell backward, I relived rage, anger, guilt, fear, paranoia, etc. Today, although my body became ill and the tears have yet to dry completely, I feel closer to forgiveness than I have ever been. I have kept myself in a prison all these years, trapped by the way my memories have made me feel. Thinking about forgiving him, or any of the many who transgressed against me seemed...obscene. But today, today I am closer in my walk with Christ. I know it may sound trite, or even naive, but it's true. Today I felt sorry for him. Today I wanted to forgive him.

Don't get it twisted, I don't feel like he deserves that from me, but it became obvious in his letter that he had no idea how the cards fell after the 'event', he had no clue as to what all happened. And I do know that he was 'messed up' at the time, for lack of better words. Should one mistake of his past ruin the life of his little girl? Should it continue to ruin mine?

Thinking of signing anything that would clear him of his guilt, or of his charges is enough to make my stomach turn. But I know and he knows what happened that night and no piece of paper is going to change that. What I do know is that the way I've been 'going about it' all these years, trying to repress memories, hide behind my pain, hide behind a false tough exterior, move away, ignore it, or when I decided to dive deep in my sorrow, and live the emotions out raw and uncut, or the times I chose to self-medicate, the times I tried to terminate my life, the times I shut everyone out, lost trust, got lost in anger, fear, hurt, rage, anger, denial, anger, guilt, anger, worry, pain..pain, pain.

None of it ever worked.

Now I'm willing, I didn't say the decision is made, but I am willing to entertain the idea of forgiveness. I'm willing to think about signing whatever it is that needs to be signed (directly through a court, of course). Maybe I can just erase all of this with one piece of paper. Maybe I can just wipe the slate clean...I keep thinking that I've been forgiven, Jesus can forgive and give grace and mercy. Why can't I? It's definitely a different, and hopeful approach this time, and will mean more for me than I can assume ever for him. And for once it puts it in my control. So much had been taken from me over those years, and this...this is MY decision. Giving him the grace and mercy and forgiveness he doesn't deserve, I hope, can bring me peace.

This time I'm not going to start with anger, I'm not going to end with fear. This time I'm going to do it as I know Jesus would have done for me, what I know he HAS done for me. I'm striving to be more like him, right? Isn't that the point?

So to answer what I said in the beginning, I know why I keep thinking the bottom is going to fall out when things seem to be going good...because every time I get closer to God, Satan attacks me in a big, big way. This time, I'm going to realize it head on, and know to cling to God through this storm and tell Satan, "GET BEHIND ME!" (Matthew 16:23)

Verses to Ponder: Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV) Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

First Day of School

Today was my daughter's first day of school and my son's first day of 4th grade at a new school. We woke up early, had a big breakfast, read Philippians 4 (about not worrying, instead praying) took lost of pictures and off we went. I ate lunch with them and they both were so excited to tell me about their new teachers and friends and fun stuff they were going to be doing this week. After school we went for ice cream.

The night before I stayed up trying to get the visions of terrible things out of my head. I laid awake as a few tears would come here and there. I asked God for peace. Peace that my little girl, who still refuses to brush her teeth or wipe her behind on her own, wouldn't get lost in the crowd, wouldn't get hurt. To watch her walk away from me all small and beautiful and full of life with that giant bow on her head, I watched a part of me, my heart and soul walk away. I choked up thinking about all the ways she could be hurt over the next 12 years, and that I may not be able to prevent it, or help her through it, or even know about it. I tried to keep my mind off of it and kept praying. I got my toes done, went to the library, then had lunch with them. To see how grown up she looked at lunch was a small relief. Letting my son go just seemed so much easier. I don't know why really.

But all in all, it was a good day, we made it through.

Verse to Ponder: Philippians's 4:6 (NIV) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Going away party and STOP TAKING PICTURES!

So last night was fun. We had a small going away party for one of my YL girls who is going back to boarding school. We watched a camp video, all signed a framed pic of our group for her, ate cheesecake brownies and laughed, laughed, laughed. Then we had bible study, which was great too. Afterwards we went to Petco to purchase turtles, so she could release them...she talks about doing it...but turtles are $90, so we bought two white fish. As we walked around the store giggling and checking out the animals, the staff kept following us and telling us, no, we couldn't hold a turtle, no we can't take pictures of the animals, we needed to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep...blah, blah, blah.

Our last stop was by the hamster cages. Here we giggled because two hamsters were, um, well, 'exercising' together. One actually looked like it was trying to get away from the other...then to our surprise as they separate and start cleaning themselves, it was TWO BOY hamsters. One's actual member was exposed to us and the whole group giggled and fell to the floor or to the corner laughing, someone said, "I've feel so violated!" Well, two staffers come over and ask us not to take pictures...which we weren't so it was a strange request. But then they told us to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep. We were all standing around the hamster cage again when someone said, "um, no sir, I don't think they are trying to sleep." Someone else said, "No, they are, um, playing." I said, "THAT IS NOT playing!" Then everyone fell in a heap and started laughing again. As we started to leave the store another employee said yet again, that it was against store policy to take pictures. YES. We get it!!

Then we stood outside checking out our fish and (HA!) taking pictures as the staff inside watched. The girl that is leaving named them Barnes & Noble. Then we took the fish to a nearby pond and freed them. What's funny was, they didn't appreciate the freedom, because they kept trying to swim back to us on shore.

(Barnes & Noble)

It was a fun night.

Here's a verse from our bible study time together:

Psalm 25:9 - He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Everyone liked this Psalm.

Birds and Bees

So I finally had "the talk" with my son last week. He's 9 now and about to start 4th grade. He's been asking questions here and there, and well, he's a logical, mature boy for his age and I thought better me than at school, or tv or elsewhere, so...

We sat down. I'm not sure how we even got on the subject, but after my nerves calmed down and I had prayed before hand, it really wasn't that bad. He made some faces here and there and listened intently and understood the concepts, pics I drew, asked intelligent questions...it went really well. He told me he hadn't heard it all before, but some of the words he had heard and didn't know what they meant. It took about 45 minutes and at the end, he said, "So...you and dad did that?" I said yes. But the whole convo I made sure not to crack jokes, or make him embarrassed, using the proper terms for body parts and explaining the act of sex and what changes happen to your body as all part of God's plan. I explained how it's designed within the constraints of marriage, and by taking matters into your own hands, it discounts God's design, and you miss out on what he intended for you, and takes away from the plan he has for who you do it with. I explained how the temptation can be more than you can bear, and it takes someone very strong to overcome it. We talked about disease, pregnancy, etc., and all in all he seemed to understand it pretty well, all followed up with, "I don't ever want to do any of that." I'll remind him of that when he's 16. HA!

Last night while studying for the bible study with my YL girls, I studied Proverbs 5. It talks about sexual immorality, within marriage, but as I found all my study materials, it showed that it also related to going against what God has planned for you by not waiting. For the first time I understood adultery on a completely different level. If God designed and sanctified the covenant of marriage, isn't it then adultery to go outside of the constraints of marriage, i.e. before you are married? Isn't it adultery if you compromise your purity in waiting for the one he has planned for you to love, within the commitment of marriage? Don't you wish Solomon had been around to explain it this way to you when you were a teenager? I do. It's going to be interesting tonight with the girls, I'm sure.

Verses to Ponder: Proverbs 5

My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your year to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.

Back from the lake...

Well, it was an interesting weekend. Not what I expected...It rained and was chilly and overcast most days and I was in a 'funk' I think because of it. We didn't get out of the condo often, not as much boating or anything else that we planned, but I did get to spend some sweet quality time hanging out with my husband, and later with the whole family, but we didn't do much, then came home earlier than expected. Doing so helped with getting the fence pretty much finished, which is good. I think I also have most of the school shopping done. Just got to get the kids hair cut, eye appt for my son, soccer practices, going away party for one of my YL girls who is going back to boarding school, bible study and meet the teacher this week. I'm hoping the rain will let up for some swimming this weekend before school starts. My husband starts working 60 hrs/wk next week. bummer.

Here's a video of my husband wakeboarding...enjoy!

SO, I guess it worked.

We had the girls over for bible study tonight. After staying up till 3 to clean and finish laundry last night, and a FULL day of errands, I was already pooped. The kids and I made cupcakes for one of the girl's 16th bday and my son made a cute sign to put on the door. We had a small gift and balloon, then we started the study. What is so cool about it is the many different view points offered up at the table. Then before you know it, someone is getting sad, or someone is made more aware, or we are laughing so hard we are crying...the latter is usually what happens before the night is through. It was fun, a great time to bond with the girls, but what really neat is learning more and seeing their eyes opened; having questions asked that I didn't even know I wanted to question and going together to find the Truth. The awesome part is spending time with God amongst some of my greatest friends. What tops it all off is knowing that He's right there with us, almost tangible through His word and the revelations made in this group.

And guess what...my eye stopped twitching.

Here's one of the verses from the chapters we talked about tonight...

Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

3 Stys in 2 eyes

Seriously?! Ug. I was trying to think what caused this, because it's usually stress and I couldn't think of anything. My eye has twitched for over a month now (enough to drive you insane really), and now this. So I started thinking about what's coming up...

My son starts Club Soccer this year. Which means over $500 a season (which was due today), then $2000/yr after next year. Plus at the meeting tonight they were talking about 3 nights a week for practice, plus 1 night a week for his rec soccer team, with two games each weekend. My daughter starts gymnastics in September. Plus I wanted to get her in Girl Scouts. She also starts Kindergarten this year. My son starts 4th grade, but at a new school, and last year he almost failed his first 6 weeks because of focus issues...what will a new school bring?? With all of these extra/per month payments coming up, I've been looking for a part time job to no avail, no city jobs or school jobs available part time. My husband told me today he is going to start working 60 hrs/week at work for the overtime, plus the regular 10-15/wk with his dad, plus co-coaching soccer, and with his weird schedule, more than half the day sleeping...I feel like I'll never see him. Fixing our broken fence has taken us over 2 months, with letters from the HOA hounding us about it, and over $1000 put into it and it's still not complete. Buying school clothes/shoes/backpacks and such has already set us out almost $400 for the two kids...and we're not ready for school yet. Also, I've been helping do the bible study for some of the YL girls, but putting together these study guides is becoming increasingly difficult for me. MOPS starts soon, and I need to start thinking about how I'm going to fit in YL contact work (which I really want to get started doing.)

I guess in the back of my mind, I AM stressed. I seems stupid and petty, because all in all I feel happy, healthy and content otherwise, but it's starting to show, and it always starts on my face - complexion, stupid twitching eyelid and 3 stys!!!

BUT....This weekend, we are going away to our lake place for some R&R, not as much for me, as for my husband who honestly just looks beat down even after a full 'night's' rest.

The bible study for my girls is tomorrow night and I'm hoping I will feel renewed with how much I learn and how much the girls are growing from it.

Good news is, YL starts back September 8th. With my huband's new schedule it will be tricky, but we're going to make it work.

Ok, that's it for now...Oh and Bible verse for today...comes from this past week at church, which was awesome! It also is fitting because of the Olympics being now too.

Verse to Ponder: Phillipians 3:13-14 - "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Psalm 17

In my studying for this week's bible study with the girls, I did Psalm 17.

Here's what it says...

Have you ever been bullied? Maybe you have felt at one time or another that all were out to get you, and you, though not perfect, hadn’t deserved it. This is the case with David whose prayer to God is a plea for Justice against false accusations and persecution. He wasn’t boasting a statement of purity, but in Psalm 17:5 says, “My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not stumbled.” He realized that he had committed sin, as all people do, but his relationship with God was one of close fellowship and constant repentance and forgiveness. His goodness came from seeking to know God intimately. Many times we feel we have somehow missed God’s protection if we experience troubles. But David understood that God’s protection has far greater purposes than avoiding pain; it is to make us better for Him. God protects us by seeing us through circumstance, not by helping us escape them. David asks for God to push back his enemies, in effect to see him through the crisis, not to help him escape. David explains in verses 13-15 that we deceive ourselves when we measure our happiness or contentment in life by the amount of wealth we possess. The true measurement of happiness or contentment is an eternal one. You find true happiness if you put eternal riches above earthly ones. He shows that the true reward of life is to one day see God face to face.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Do you believe that God will help you endure trials? What is His purpose to do this rather than help you evade them?

Really, REALLY Beautiful

Over the years I've struggled with that word, "Beautiful". I remember being young, maybe 9 or 10 on a trip in the car driving at night and wishing on stars from the backseat window. I remember wishing I would grow up to be beautiful. In high school, the way I dressed was a direct reflection of what I wanted, which was admiration. I was nominated for most beautiful three times. When I was 17, a lost boy took a part of me. Like a thief he ripped away part of my heart, my soul even, whatever was 'inside'. He forcefully took it as he harmed me in a way beyond any hurt I had ever encountered before, but would soon know was not the worst hurt I would ever endure. But the most confusing part of that particular ordeal is how during the whole thing, he kept telling me, over and over that I was beautiful. Then it seemed like a punishment, I somehow deserved it because of what he thought of my appearance, I somehow deserved it in my mind because I had tried so hard to be 'beautiful'. I used to put so much pressure on myself to achieve 'beauty'. It was in part, my identity. After that event, I remember giving up completely to be the opposite of 'beauty', later I would hide behind makeup, clothes, trying to hide the scars, most of which were only internal. I felt like before all of that I had somehow been something special, after that, I didn't know who I was. I was so confused. I didn't know how to get back what I thought I'd lost.

A couple of years ago I had a 'relapse' of sorts, with one too many 'triggers' taking my mind, body and heart backward ten years. I went into rehab, but also started counseling again. One of the things the counselor and I worked on was "EMDR". I won't try to explain it here, but it was a way to get into my subconscious, and it worked. During a few of our sessions I was able to see, more vividly than any dream, me sitting in the floor watching this little girl. She was dancing around, the most free I've ever seen anyone. She was so beautiful she glowed with light that seemed to be around her as she circled and flowed and danced happily in front of me. I wanted desperately to be that little girl. As we went on with the sessions, I realized that the little girl I was seeing, was in fact me. It started to unravel everything, every preconceived notion of myself...what I actually wanted was to be BEAUTIFUL the way God sees me. I don't want to be the thinnest, the best complexion, wear clothes that show my body, wear shoes that show my calves, cut my hair the way it is most appealing to men. I mean, I do those things, subconsciously even, as most women do. But what I want is to TRULY be like that girl I saw so clearly. I want to feel genuinely, innocently, abundantly free and beautiful.

I think the only way to be that way is to be truly HIS. I no longer want the world to see my shell and judge or measure me up. When they see me I want them to see Him. I want them to see the little girl dancing around and beaming with His heart. I no longer want to be ashamed of being beautiful, because beautiful will now have a different definition. I want to be washed clean again, rid of my past and all it's nasty thorny, hooking tentacles left as residual agony in my mind. I want to show them my integrity, my character, my heart for God which in effect is a heart for others. I want to glow! I want to exude His glory and mercy and grace. I want people to stand in awe when they look at me because they are seeing a true reflection of Him. I want them to be amazed.

I want to be restored in His beauty. It's time to start dancing.


Verse to Ponder: Psalm 139 13-16 (The Message) Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

Patience Shmatience.

Phew! Hair appt at 9am, library, school shopping, grocery store, make/eat lunch, Zach play date, layout, clean house, do laundry, YL girl over to chat/make cookies, all my cabin girls over for bible study, YL Camp Video Watch party, dinner with YL at Cici's...ug. I'm pooped.

Well, here's one of the studies we did tonight with the girls. It's about patience. If you know me...HA! Patience Shmatience. But I can learn a lot from David.

Psalm 13 (TNIV)

"How long Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. B ut I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me."

From the study:

With all the instant gratification of our technological age, do you feel that patience is sometimes too hard to achieve? In Psalm 13, David's patience is tested and he begins complaining about the delay in help from God. Too often we may get in a bind and feel that we've been left deserted. In trying to trust God with our lives, in our frustration, we tend to revert back to doubt and want things attended to in our timing. David's thoughts are not new. But in his need, he remembers to turn to God and prays for preventing grace through his crisis. Relying on God's understanding and timing is not always easy, but may be required. God knows what plan and course of action to take, and by trying to take back our lives we can be interfering in our blessings or the blessings of others. In our waiting, we can also experience a true relationship with God, one that is strengthened, endurance greatened, character built. No wonder David ends this Psalm boasting of God's divine mercy. Psalm 13:5-6 says: But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." David reminds us that we can't always comprehend what's ahead, but God knows and His mercy prevails.

Things to think about: Why is learning patience and endurance so tough? Why sing to God when someone is fighting against us?

For ME?

I don't feel like I need to say anything today. I just feel so small, yet so completely and utterly loved.

All this...for me?

FOOD FIGHT

Just something I'm working on for the upcoming annual YL Food Fight. I'll be editing it at this link, so chances are, if you come back within the next few days and watch it again it will be updated. Enjoy!

Now go blow something up!

What's weird is I usually have no idea what I'm going to write about next on here. It just comes most times as I open this page and start to type. However, something is brewing and I feel like I've just hit the tip of this iceberg, and I'll probably continue to write more as it progresses...

I have been reading Ted Dekker books (AMAZING Christian Fantasy/Fiction/Suspense Writer) for some time now. The most recent I finished last night was Saint. In it, one of the characters says to the other, "Once born into childlike faith, brimming with belief, typical people begin to lose their faith. Society mocks them. Their friends smirk. They come to change the world, but over time the world changes them. Soon they forget who they were; they forget the faith they once had. Then one day someone tells them the truth, but they don't want to go back because they are comfortable in their new skin. Being a stranger in this world is never easy. Look at me, I should know. Don't feel sorry for yourself.."

Also there has been a song I keep hearing from a group called BarlowGirl. The song is called Million Voices. Some of the lyrics are:

Tell me who’d have thought that we would be so controversial
And stand up against the normal
Are we too outspoken, loud, and messing up the comfortable
Well we’ve been messed up also
Yeah, yeah

But how can we be silent
When a fire burns inside of us

Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we here
With a million voices breaking silence till
They’ll remember we were here

PAUSE THE MUSIC TO THE LEFT TO HEAR THE SONG...

Then this past Sunday, our Pastor talked about 'fanning the flame', being on fire. At the end of his speech, several (I'm guessing over 30) people walked forward to pray together. He talked about how biblically, we are all dynamite. Together we should be lighting this world ablaze! He ended saying, "Now go blow something up!"

In YL so much has happened, with the girls I'm with, but also with me. There is a fire, one I've been keeping contained, within me. But we weren't put here to see how small we can make our fire - and it's not what I intend to do.

The truth of the matter is, I'm just a small blip on the radar, but I was created to be a part of the whole puzzle. After I'm gone, my name will just be a memory, and soon after no one will think of me. It is what it is. But if I take what I have, my God given talents, my resources, my faith and DO SOMETHING with it, maybe I'll leave a legacy, maybe they won't remember me, but they'll remember what I did for Him. I'll leave a mark. That's all that I think He asks of me, and that's all that I want to do. My life is flying by these days, one day runs into the next and what do I have to show for it. Am I loving, giving, helping, serving, reaching, teaching? I don't get these precious moments back and leaving here without anyone noticing is unacceptable. (1 Timothy 1:7) "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

I feel like I'm running out of time. My time here, all of our time here, is a 'blink-and-you'll-miss-it' tick mark relative to the time line of all humanity. I'm wasting my time! I know just as much as the next guy that I'm not doing what I should be doing, I'm not doing all of what He has asked of me to do. It's like I'm living thinking this time all belongs to me. But in reality, I'm living on borrowed time. I want to stand in front of the creator who sent me and be able to let him know how I accomplished, or at least attempted His mission for me. I want to hear Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

It starts today.

Verses to Ponder: 2 Timothy 1:6 "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God..."

Romans 12:6-8 "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

I am Yours

Ok, so last night we had a great bible study with the girls in my cabin again. I love being with them, their growth over the last few weeks is almost more that I can take. Last night we were talking through some of the Psalms and Proverbs again, and one stuck out to me. The girls asked so many questions, and others gave great insight. But through this Psalm there was a song stuck in my head. I looked at the floor as I tried to concentrate through the talking to not just start singing it. This morning I got an email from a friend of a very cool video...and it was the same song! Sometimes I feel like God is just giving me a nudge and a wink to let me know I'm doing what He wants me too. Almost like breadcrumbs...

So the Psalm is Psalm 8...and the video is below. PAUSE THE MUSIC TO THE LEFT SO YOU CAN HEAR THE VIDEO!!

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 8:4 (NIV) What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

I AM YOURS!