Finally, a voice...

Last night I wrote a letter to him. I sat in my room and just started writing. Almost ten pages later I realized that the chances he will ever get the letter were slim, but somehow, I was able to tell him everything I wanted to say - whether he ever gets to hear the words or not.

I feel like back then, everything went so quickly, got taken over and out of hand, and screwed up...and I just got lost in it. I'm not sure if I would have or could have done anything differently, but I do know the way it all went down after that night was never able to bring me closure, in fact, the aftermath whirlwind that followed only made things much, much, MUCH worse. I wonder what would have happened had I been forced to sit face to face with him. If I could have functioned in the same room, what would I have said? What would he have said? Could this have all been handled differently? I will never know.

Over the years I've been so angry, feeling like a huge part of me was ripped out, and not by just him. I feel like I lost a part of my personality, my identity, and this many years later, I still struggle trying to get it back. Sometimes I feel like if just that night alone were all that had happened, I could have been able to move past it...eventually. But the trauma stemmed from that moment and got twisted and awful and terrifying and wrong so fast, and didn't stop until almost a year later. It's 'aftershock' would then continue on until now.

So I wrote him the letter. I'm going to keep it until looking at it no longer means anything to me. Maybe one day I'll actually get my face to face with him and can be satisfied that I said all I needed to say and that he didn't have any affect on me anymore.

I don't know how I stumbled on this song today, it kind of caught me off guard that it was just there in front of me. It's Damaged by the group Plumb.

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I can't go back
I must go on

I know that the only way I can get beyond this is through Christ. It makes me angry that after 11 years I can still be sent backward, and that this still affects so many different aspects of my life. But I have to rely on my knowing that I'm just not strong enough on my own, and that's ok. I know God can restore me, I know I can go on. Just wish it was sooner that later...

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 31:24 (NKJV) Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.