SO....moving along. Went in for my annual. You know the one where they are supposed to say, everything looks great - see you in a year? Especially since I've seen these very same people over and over for a myriad of 'we-don't-know-what it is-itis's' over the last few months...but no. More symptoms, a new 'diet' to help my symptoms, and now a mass in my right breast.
You heard me.
A MASS.
Could have just lost my lunch if I had had any, but instead I played it cool. It could be anything...a couple different types of cysts, lymph node, tissue mass "fat tumor", or even a benign tumor. Statistically 85% of the lumps found are 'nothings' - especially in YOUNG women such as myself - *wink wink*. But then she called in a referral to a Breast Specialist who works in a surgery center while I was still in the office. They fit me in for Monday.
Why the rush?
I was really ok, called the usual peeps who would be pissed if I didn't tell them about the 'nothings' that in the longest of shots could be 'somethings' (I guess they love me or something...idk.) and I had to go from there to the office.
I guess my 'keeping it together' was reading more like 'BS' all over my face. Because I didn't step one foot in and my director said, "what's wrong with you?" I told him as calmly as I could, watching him internally freak out, which made my cool demeanor melt to the floor. I tried to change the subject, but he was asking for all the details which I then put into a sort of 2 minute - cliff's notes medical history version to catch him up. I am grateful for him and the rest of my YL family though, since the proverbial beans have been spilled. (at a leader meeting tonight while I wasn't there.) They are my family and I know they will be praying.
I really am ok. I have peace. Tell me this news 4, 5 years ago and I'd still be crying, isolating, panicking. But the difference now is Christ in me. Seriously. Religious hogwash, you say? (ps. I'm referring to NOTHING to do with religion. if you don't understand the difference, then ask me.) Think it's bogus? Then tell me this. How do i have this peace, this trust, who or where does it come from? With my history of traumatic events and freak outs, meds and counselors, why am I now so self-contained? I tell you this because it's TRUE -
This is not my life. This body is a rental. It's not all about me (shocking! I know!). I have faith that God knows all things and since I know am a child of God (made my decision to accept Christ) and He created me, He is in control. If this nothing is really nothing, then there's something to be learned from this or taught through those interacting within this situation. (Maybe this blog post?). If it turns out to be something, then God allowed it. Because His ways are not my ways, His thoughts not mine - since He is the creator of the universe, His plans are well above my pay-grade. If he allows this to be the 'Big C', then there's a very good reason. Maybe if I sit and speculate, it's to show others how I cling to Him, maybe it's to bring me closer to Him, maybe through this trial others will be brought to the feet of Christ.
He promises that He knows the plans He has for me (Jer. 29:11) and He never breaks His promises. So I cling to the PROMISE, not what I can see or understand. (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I just ask God that He give me wisdom, peace and perseverance - the rest is just details in this blip that I am on the long time-line of existence. (James 4:14) If for a brief moment I can be of use to bring Him glory, to be used to affect someone's eternity? - then so be it.
John 14:27 - read it. It may seem like a mystery, this peace my Father brings. But once entered into a relationship with Christ, it's all that makes sense.
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