So it had just happened again, right before cheer practice, and it was all I could do to hold it together. I put on a happy face and went through practice, then got home and realized my efforts were fruitless AND because a cheerleader got picked up 10 minutes after she was supposed to, I was late to my new bible study. I hadn't seen Dusty more than 20 minutes in 3 days because of work, soccer or golf, and he usually - with just one hug, diffuses my stress/frustration. I was really needing that and really missing him.
SO, I went to the study. We're going through this book called, "Lies Young Women Believe". Looks good and I'm excited, but when I got to the meeting I just sat, biting the inside of my cheek, not wanting to participate, although I had something to say on every point (shocker).
Then there was this question: "Got-just-enough-friends OR lonely"
And from out of no where this bubbling over pain came. WAIT! I don't feel lonely. I have a bajillion people around me at all times because of cheerleading, soccer, Young Life, church, bible study groups...But I started talking, without words actually formulated and then the tears came. What is going on?! I'm NOT a cryer! And WHY am I crying about THIS???!??? But as the words came, I listened. And I realized the way I feel for the first time.
Alone.
For the longest time I wanted it that way, to be cautious, because I didn't trust - or like - anyone. So I was this isolating hermit and that was 'fine'. But as I've begun a true relationship with Christ over just these recent years, I long for fellowship as He intends it. But now, with all my confidence, I feel inept. I'm outgoing, bubbly, funny, bold, a leader...yet somewhere deep down inside (because I don't think I've thought of it consciously until last night), I feel that I'm trying too hard, that those I'm trying to connect with - will just see me as annoying. Which must be why I have SO many surface relationships, and yet not one real invested, connected one. And with my mom moved over 2 hrs away, my sister moved to Mississippi and my best friend of over half my life moved 2 hrs away, my husband gone ALL THE TIME with two jobs, his coaching gig and his get-away-of-choice (which I support, well...most of the time -ha!) golf - I am lonely.
I keep thinking its my fault, for the reasons I've said earlier and that maybe my life is too busy (which it is) and maybe I just don't know HOW to connect, and keep connected on a deeper level. My years spent in isolation have left me disabled.
Then I realized, also through last night's group, that I've NEVER reallllllly been alone. I've had a 'boyfriend' since 5th grade, and had best friends closer than blood relatives before that. I went from the house I grew up in to a house a week after I was married.
I went to eat yesterday to a restaurant - by myself, with a book as a crutch. It was great time in the book (I love to read), but I still longed to hang out, even for just a minute with someone who truly knew me.
My challenge as I go through this next week is to try and find more alone times - away from work and out of the house to be comfortable in solitude, to feel confident there. I also will be spending more time with Him (in the Word) to fill my void. I know He's all I need, even if it's uncomfortable at first. He allows things for a reason, and maybe during this time it's to get even closer to Him. Through prayer, I know that in His timing, He will establish those deeper relationships in my life - as they honor Him.
So, I'm going to go get some (DECAF...ug.) coffee, grab my bible study and bible and find a nice open spot outside to spend time with Him....sitting on a blanket, enjoying the sunshine - wrapped in His peace. :)
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