Fragile

Lately I've been acutely aware of how fragile life really is. I was thinking about it last night after we went to visit my husband's cousin (who is still in a coma) in the hospital. Most of the ride home we were silent.

I just thought about how when I was younger I was so careless, I did SO many things out of my pain, my circumstances and what was made available to me, my naivety...SO many things that put me in situations that could have ended my stay here. Then of course, there were the times I actually set out to make that happen, and yet, by the grace of God, I survived. But how, why? Why was I spared, how did I escape? I also thought about how easy it was to do these things, to be part of these situations, because all I was thinking of was myself. Even from the beginning of my marriage (will be 10 years this year) to now, how much more cautious I feel when my husband leaves (like he just did to go on a lake trip with 5th graders), when I'm in the car driving or riding, when my kids are away. I think before I felt that I didn't have anything to live for, actually I felt like I'd be doing a service by leaving to those around me who wouldn't have to be burdened by me anymore. That thought now breaks my heart. Finding a relationship with God has given value to my life.

I stayed by my cousin-in-law's side last night and watched him as he laid there looking so peaceful, looking like if I spoke too loud he would just wake up. In reality, after speaking to the nurse, it isn't the case. His brain has to 're-map', build new connections...it could be a month, it could be five years. And when he wakes up, if he wakes up needing just rehab, then he will be faced with the death of his mother. It was just a crazy accident, a freak random event that has taken two happy healthy people and turned the lives of those close to them upside down.

I know I've always heard that if it's 'your time', it could happen anywhere, at any time. But that doesn't keep me from feeling any less cautious. I know in my heart if something like this happened to my immediate family, my husband, my child, that it would 'be for a reason', even if I don't comprehend it. If my family were to move on, that they are saved and would be in a better place, but that doesn't make my human heart carry concern any less. I can't picture myself in the place of my husband's uncle. I can't breathe when I think about it.

I just want to keep my family in a bubble. I want my husband to go be with the 5th graders, but at the same time I don't want him too, because it's been really windy lately and there's a chance of rain while he's on the lake, distracted by kids. I want my son to go to summer camps, but then I don't because I don't want him to get injured or worse because he can't swim well. I want my mom to go to her work conference in just a few weeks because it is a great opportunity for her in her job, but I don't because she'll be flying and will essentially be alone in a big city.

I struggle to get past this aching inside that has been awakened by this past few week's events. I now have something to live for, to care about and I can't get past feeling like we are all just so very fragile.

I've been reading my bible and looking for strength. I know prayer works, I'm proof. I know the bible says not to worry; I'm doing my best. I know I am loved by God who understands and controls everything. I will do my best to 'Let go and Let God'.

Verse to Ponder: Matthew 6:34 (The Message) "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."