Alone in a Crowded Room...

So I went to the first meeting of a new YL girls bible study last night. I had had a particularly yucky week, seeming as though when people around me are frustrated with any part of their lives, they find the one thing that connects us (even though its not personal) and lay it on me in a personal attack. Or at least it feels that way.

So it had just happened again, right before cheer practice, and it was all I could do to hold it together. I put on a happy face and went through practice, then got home and realized my efforts were fruitless AND because a cheerleader got picked up 10 minutes after she was supposed to, I was late to my new bible study. I hadn't seen Dusty more than 20 minutes in 3 days because of work, soccer or golf, and he usually - with just one hug, diffuses my stress/frustration. I was really needing that and really missing him.

SO, I went to the study. We're going through this book called, "Lies Young Women Believe". Looks good and I'm excited, but when I got to the meeting I just sat, biting the inside of my cheek, not wanting to participate, although I had something to say on every point (shocker).

Then there was this question: "Got-just-enough-friends OR lonely"

And from out of no where this bubbling over pain came. WAIT! I don't feel lonely. I have a bajillion people around me at all times because of cheerleading, soccer, Young Life, church, bible study groups...But I started talking, without words actually formulated and then the tears came. What is going on?! I'm NOT a cryer! And WHY am I crying about THIS???!??? But as the words came, I listened. And I realized the way I feel for the first time.

Alone.

For the longest time I wanted it that way, to be cautious, because I didn't trust - or like - anyone. So I was this isolating hermit and that was 'fine'. But as I've begun a true relationship with Christ over just these recent years, I long for fellowship as He intends it. But now, with all my confidence, I feel inept. I'm outgoing, bubbly, funny, bold, a leader...yet somewhere deep down inside (because I don't think I've thought of it consciously until last night), I feel that I'm trying too hard, that those I'm trying to connect with - will just see me as annoying. Which must be why I have SO many surface relationships, and yet not one real invested, connected one. And with my mom moved over 2 hrs away, my sister moved to Mississippi and my best friend of over half my life moved 2 hrs away, my husband gone ALL THE TIME with two jobs, his coaching gig and his get-away-of-choice (which I support, well...most of the time -ha!) golf - I am lonely.

I keep thinking its my fault, for the reasons I've said earlier and that maybe my life is too busy (which it is) and maybe I just don't know HOW to connect, and keep connected on a deeper level. My years spent in isolation have left me disabled.

Then I realized, also through last night's group, that I've NEVER reallllllly been alone. I've had a 'boyfriend' since 5th grade, and had best friends closer than blood relatives before that. I went from the house I grew up in to a house a week after I was married.

I went to eat yesterday to a restaurant - by myself, with a book as a crutch. It was great time in the book (I love to read), but I still longed to hang out, even for just a minute with someone who truly knew me.

My challenge as I go through this next week is to try and find more alone times - away from work and out of the house to be comfortable in solitude, to feel confident there. I also will be spending more time with Him (in the Word) to fill my void. I know He's all I need, even if it's uncomfortable at first. He allows things for a reason, and maybe during this time it's to get even closer to Him. Through prayer, I know that in His timing, He will establish those deeper relationships in my life - as they honor Him.

So, I'm going to go get some (DECAF...ug.) coffee, grab my bible study and bible and find a nice open spot outside to spend time with Him....sitting on a blanket, enjoying the sunshine - wrapped in His peace. :)

Transit cannot be calculated between two points...

Ok, so like I said two posts ago when they found the "mass" - before I went into the appointment, which takes me into a city over, let me give a little background into...

One awesome thing about my OBGYN is that when I chose her, her office was 6 minutes from my house. Then she moved a city over and a whole lot further west. Now it takes me over 35 minutes to get to her office. The first time I went, I didn't know where I was going (which isn't a huge surprise seeing as how I'm so directionally challenged and all). So I plugged in the office address into my iphone maps app and started driving. It was so far away that I didn't see the red dot (destination) at all on my map, not even when I was at a stop light and realized that if I went just a little farther north, like less than 10 minutes, I'd be in HIS neck of the woods - let me clarify, practically in his backyard. I only know where this person lives because of when he tried to contact me. Now, thanks to my mom's lawyer, I know the color of his bushes (well, not really, but I know a lot). I started to feel anxious.

At first my body started shaking, as it tends to do with a 'trigger' like this, next WOULD be vomiting. But I just started praying, and then worshiping (singing) loud as I drove. I then told God that if He needed me to see this person, that if it would be for His will - that I wasn't scared (I didn't want to be anyway), because I knew He was with me; He was in control, and by the sheer fact of who He is - His plans and best intentions are better than mine. I told Him if He needed the worst to happen to fulfill His purpose, then....bring the rain. As the words from my heart poured out - my good sense was screaming internally to SHUT UP! But I went through with it and followed the purple line on my phone app literally into the lion's den.

Fast forward to last week. Making the drive gets easier every time, I find that I'm not anxious at all now. But when I arrived at my OBGYN early, I sat in the car and let my curiosity run rampant. Let's just see HOW far exactly I am from his house at this moment. So I turned on my handy-dandy Maps app and plugged in the two points with anticipation. What happened next shocked me as it's never happened before, and also made me feel like a child who's parent lovingly said, "No, sweetheart, you know that will do nothing good for you," as they protected me from potential hurt. I plugged in the two points and my map said:

"Transit route cannot be calculated between two points"

What? I thumped the side of the phone in my hand like it was some 80's computer monitor, turned off the app and on again (yeah..I'm stubborn) and tried it again. Same result.

I loved that moment in car - just me and God and the gentle guidance that showed that I don't need to go there. I just need to trust as I prayed for His leading, that He actually is IN CONTROL. Not me...

SHOCKER! :)

Relaxation, Revelation and lumps...

Ok, so to clear up quickly after having seen multiple Drs. since my last post...it's just a multitude of BENIGN "simple cysts". I go back to one Dr. in 3 months and another Dr. in 6 months. But PRAISE GOD! All's fine for now, you know....lumpy - sure, but great!

So here's the relaxation and revelation part of this little story I have to tell:

So Friday, even though I felt ridiculous, overwhelming (almost scary - like CAN I be anxious? Is it even possible if I TRY?? Ha.) peace, I went to 'get away' to relax, try and turn off and spend some time with God before I had to pick up the kids from school. So, I laid out by the pool - just me, Jesus, a clear blue sky and 92 degrees.

I tried to nap or 'turn off' but even at 92 (a pleasant and welcome reprieve from the consecutive days of 104), and wearing less than a yard of fabric, it still gets hot quickly. So I relocated to the pool's ladder and sunk my scorched legs in.

I prayed and was quiet and started noticing things...

The Bible refers to water in several different parables, etc., but their common thread is their correlation to life. So I thought about this giant pool of water like life. My life.

As I looked down to the bottom I saw this dark blue line in contrast with the light blue clear water. And although the water was clear in itself, my disturbance and that of the bubbling jets not only made the water splash out of it's containment within the walls of the pool, but it made the line that led to the other ladder (at the other side), look a lot less line and more like what I would imagine static to look like - if it could have a "look". Jagged, wavy, distorted, larger in some areas, jutted out in others. Hardly 'line-like', barely 'line-recognizable'.

I tried to still the water around me with flat hands on the surface, but even the slightest tremor made the line in that area beneath my hands seem like a dozen lines. I even picked up the water in my fists, watching my effort in vain and laughing at the revelation, because as hard as I tried to hold onto it, it still found a way to slip through my fingers.

But then the jets turned off. And I tried not to breathe. The water became like glass. Not a ripple.

And then I saw the sun reflect and dance as it worked through the water, making even the depths sparkle and shine.

Thank you GOD! How much is this like my life?? The line (God's purpose/plan) can look so distorted, distant, even unrecognizable with all the 'noise' - all the mess I throw in being busy, all the stuff I let bother me, this world's temptations and comparisons, etc. But when I'm completely still and quiet, leaning into God as far as possible...the line becomes crystal clear - and Christ, the SON, works in and through all the way into the depths, making it sparkle and shine for Him!

This is peace. This is trust. This is Christ, and His work in me.

I get goosebumps just thinking about it. :)

So NBD...

Ok, so I went to the OBGYN today. (how's that for personal!?) Over the last few months I've been having weird "we don't know what it is so we'll send you to yet another specialist" convos with several doctors. NBD (No big deal). To see the look of perplexed concern on a doctor's face just leaves you all warm and fuzzy inside. NOT. That paired with doctors that say when I ask "why the symptoms, where are they coming from, ....HELP!" and they say, and I quote: "Not to be short, but as long as it's not X, Y or Z, then I really don't care." (yeah...it happened.)

SO....moving along. Went in for my annual. You know the one where they are supposed to say, everything looks great - see you in a year? Especially since I've seen these very same people over and over for a myriad of 'we-don't-know-what it is-itis's' over the last few months...but no. More symptoms, a new 'diet' to help my symptoms, and now a mass in my right breast.

You heard me.

A MASS.

Could have just lost my lunch if I had had any, but instead I played it cool. It could be anything...a couple different types of cysts, lymph node, tissue mass "fat tumor", or even a benign tumor. Statistically 85% of the lumps found are 'nothings' - especially in YOUNG women such as myself - *wink wink*. But then she called in a referral to a Breast Specialist who works in a surgery center while I was still in the office. They fit me in for Monday.

Why the rush?

I was really ok, called the usual peeps who would be pissed if I didn't tell them about the 'nothings' that in the longest of shots could be 'somethings' (I guess they love me or something...idk.) and I had to go from there to the office.

I guess my 'keeping it together' was reading more like 'BS' all over my face. Because I didn't step one foot in and my director said, "what's wrong with you?" I told him as calmly as I could, watching him internally freak out, which made my cool demeanor melt to the floor. I tried to change the subject, but he was asking for all the details which I then put into a sort of 2 minute - cliff's notes medical history version to catch him up. I am grateful for him and the rest of my YL family though, since the proverbial beans have been spilled. (at a leader meeting tonight while I wasn't there.) They are my family and I know they will be praying.

I really am ok. I have peace. Tell me this news 4, 5 years ago and I'd still be crying, isolating, panicking. But the difference now is Christ in me. Seriously. Religious hogwash, you say? (ps. I'm referring to NOTHING to do with religion. if you don't understand the difference, then ask me.) Think it's bogus? Then tell me this. How do i have this peace, this trust, who or where does it come from? With my history of traumatic events and freak outs, meds and counselors, why am I now so self-contained? I tell you this because it's TRUE -

This is not my life. This body is a rental. It's not all about me (shocking! I know!). I have faith that God knows all things and since I know am a child of God (made my decision to accept Christ) and He created me, He is in control. If this nothing is really nothing, then there's something to be learned from this or taught through those interacting within this situation. (Maybe this blog post?). If it turns out to be something, then God allowed it. Because His ways are not my ways, His thoughts not mine - since He is the creator of the universe, His plans are well above my pay-grade. If he allows this to be the 'Big C', then there's a very good reason. Maybe if I sit and speculate, it's to show others how I cling to Him, maybe it's to bring me closer to Him, maybe through this trial others will be brought to the feet of Christ.

He promises that He knows the plans He has for me (Jer. 29:11) and He never breaks His promises. So I cling to the PROMISE, not what I can see or understand. (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I just ask God that He give me wisdom, peace and perseverance - the rest is just details in this blip that I am on the long time-line of existence. (James 4:14) If for a brief moment I can be of use to bring Him glory, to be used to affect someone's eternity? - then so be it.

John 14:27 - read it. It may seem like a mystery, this peace my Father brings. But once entered into a relationship with Christ, it's all that makes sense.

I am changing...less and less asleep...

I LOVE the lyrics to this song...SO true!! I can't wait to be able to play it on my guitar! :)

LYRICS:

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

[CHORUS]

You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things

[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

CrazyLove

So I'm reading (actually I've already read it once, now I'm re-reading it and underlining pretty much every other sentence) this book by Francis Chan called, "Crazy Love". The first 3 chapters were hard to hear, but a good prep for the rest. This book has stirred up so much about my faith that 1) I had 'spiritual amnesia' to (word he uses in the book) or 2) things I thought resolved that apparently are not and 3) a challenge and call to action for the way I live in my faith that has for lack of better words, spurned a fire within me. I'm so busy with my 'job' in YL 'helping' others, that I'm left drained spiritually and although my Bible gets opened in preparation for the HS girls Campaigners Bible Study group I lead, only then to the point of quickly preparing the lesson on Sunday before the Monday study. I look now and see how I was 'squeezing it in' and some how this was acceptable for me to teach/lead?! After reading (again) this book this afternoon, I read my Bible, Matthew to be specific (which is split paged between TNIV and Message versions) with such vigor and hunger and conviction like I haven't had in, well, I'm not sure I've ever had...

Beyond that, the book which laid out in often uncomfortable messages, caused me to evaluate myself and I'm challenged beyond anything before to do the most, with my purpose, (in my minute time here), as possible through ever tenet and tenticle of my being, of my life. To slack or do any less now seems absurd. Like I'm living as if I think this teeny blip on the long time-line of existance that is my life is of such importance that I arrogantly fall into worry about it, stress because of it, and am led to comparison of other's lives or things...it just seems so futile, shallow and ridiculous now.

Do I (or have I) really have the FAITH that prayer IS answered. (Understanding that the options can be 1) No, not yet. 2) No, I love you too much, 3) Yes, I thought you'd never ask and 4) Yes, and here's more...).

Do I really have the FAITH to live without concern for my life (health, wellbeing, etc.) here, without fear?

Do I really have the FAITH to ask God to bring it on, whatever IT is, if that 'it' is what leads me, my family, my kids, my husband, my friends, or even strangers to acceptance of Christ solidifying their eternity?

Do I have the FAITH to pray for not more than I need that I might not boast and not need Him, or not less than I need so that I won't steal and dishonor Him? To PRAY that I might live humbly paycheck to paycheck - that He would make it so that I would live that way??

Do I have the FAITH to sell/give away anything that makes me too comfortable and self-serving?

Do I have the FAITH to share about Him...even with the odds of being rejected, feeling uncomfortable?

Do I have the FAITH to not be concerned with my health, my pocketbook, my looks, my status, my education, my career, my parenting skills, my CONTROL?

Do I have the FAITH to forgive??

Do I have FAITH??

And if not, why not?

Here's a video from the guy who wrote the book - check it: www.crazylovebook.com/videos_stop.html

I suggest this book, it's in the library (at least where I live)...