Back from the lake...

Well, it was an interesting weekend. Not what I expected...It rained and was chilly and overcast most days and I was in a 'funk' I think because of it. We didn't get out of the condo often, not as much boating or anything else that we planned, but I did get to spend some sweet quality time hanging out with my husband, and later with the whole family, but we didn't do much, then came home earlier than expected. Doing so helped with getting the fence pretty much finished, which is good. I think I also have most of the school shopping done. Just got to get the kids hair cut, eye appt for my son, soccer practices, going away party for one of my YL girls who is going back to boarding school, bible study and meet the teacher this week. I'm hoping the rain will let up for some swimming this weekend before school starts. My husband starts working 60 hrs/wk next week. bummer.

Here's a video of my husband wakeboarding...enjoy!

SO, I guess it worked.

We had the girls over for bible study tonight. After staying up till 3 to clean and finish laundry last night, and a FULL day of errands, I was already pooped. The kids and I made cupcakes for one of the girl's 16th bday and my son made a cute sign to put on the door. We had a small gift and balloon, then we started the study. What is so cool about it is the many different view points offered up at the table. Then before you know it, someone is getting sad, or someone is made more aware, or we are laughing so hard we are crying...the latter is usually what happens before the night is through. It was fun, a great time to bond with the girls, but what really neat is learning more and seeing their eyes opened; having questions asked that I didn't even know I wanted to question and going together to find the Truth. The awesome part is spending time with God amongst some of my greatest friends. What tops it all off is knowing that He's right there with us, almost tangible through His word and the revelations made in this group.

And guess what...my eye stopped twitching.

Here's one of the verses from the chapters we talked about tonight...

Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

3 Stys in 2 eyes

Seriously?! Ug. I was trying to think what caused this, because it's usually stress and I couldn't think of anything. My eye has twitched for over a month now (enough to drive you insane really), and now this. So I started thinking about what's coming up...

My son starts Club Soccer this year. Which means over $500 a season (which was due today), then $2000/yr after next year. Plus at the meeting tonight they were talking about 3 nights a week for practice, plus 1 night a week for his rec soccer team, with two games each weekend. My daughter starts gymnastics in September. Plus I wanted to get her in Girl Scouts. She also starts Kindergarten this year. My son starts 4th grade, but at a new school, and last year he almost failed his first 6 weeks because of focus issues...what will a new school bring?? With all of these extra/per month payments coming up, I've been looking for a part time job to no avail, no city jobs or school jobs available part time. My husband told me today he is going to start working 60 hrs/week at work for the overtime, plus the regular 10-15/wk with his dad, plus co-coaching soccer, and with his weird schedule, more than half the day sleeping...I feel like I'll never see him. Fixing our broken fence has taken us over 2 months, with letters from the HOA hounding us about it, and over $1000 put into it and it's still not complete. Buying school clothes/shoes/backpacks and such has already set us out almost $400 for the two kids...and we're not ready for school yet. Also, I've been helping do the bible study for some of the YL girls, but putting together these study guides is becoming increasingly difficult for me. MOPS starts soon, and I need to start thinking about how I'm going to fit in YL contact work (which I really want to get started doing.)

I guess in the back of my mind, I AM stressed. I seems stupid and petty, because all in all I feel happy, healthy and content otherwise, but it's starting to show, and it always starts on my face - complexion, stupid twitching eyelid and 3 stys!!!

BUT....This weekend, we are going away to our lake place for some R&R, not as much for me, as for my husband who honestly just looks beat down even after a full 'night's' rest.

The bible study for my girls is tomorrow night and I'm hoping I will feel renewed with how much I learn and how much the girls are growing from it.

Good news is, YL starts back September 8th. With my huband's new schedule it will be tricky, but we're going to make it work.

Ok, that's it for now...Oh and Bible verse for today...comes from this past week at church, which was awesome! It also is fitting because of the Olympics being now too.

Verse to Ponder: Phillipians 3:13-14 - "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Psalm 17

In my studying for this week's bible study with the girls, I did Psalm 17.

Here's what it says...

Have you ever been bullied? Maybe you have felt at one time or another that all were out to get you, and you, though not perfect, hadn’t deserved it. This is the case with David whose prayer to God is a plea for Justice against false accusations and persecution. He wasn’t boasting a statement of purity, but in Psalm 17:5 says, “My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not stumbled.” He realized that he had committed sin, as all people do, but his relationship with God was one of close fellowship and constant repentance and forgiveness. His goodness came from seeking to know God intimately. Many times we feel we have somehow missed God’s protection if we experience troubles. But David understood that God’s protection has far greater purposes than avoiding pain; it is to make us better for Him. God protects us by seeing us through circumstance, not by helping us escape them. David asks for God to push back his enemies, in effect to see him through the crisis, not to help him escape. David explains in verses 13-15 that we deceive ourselves when we measure our happiness or contentment in life by the amount of wealth we possess. The true measurement of happiness or contentment is an eternal one. You find true happiness if you put eternal riches above earthly ones. He shows that the true reward of life is to one day see God face to face.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Do you believe that God will help you endure trials? What is His purpose to do this rather than help you evade them?

Really, REALLY Beautiful

Over the years I've struggled with that word, "Beautiful". I remember being young, maybe 9 or 10 on a trip in the car driving at night and wishing on stars from the backseat window. I remember wishing I would grow up to be beautiful. In high school, the way I dressed was a direct reflection of what I wanted, which was admiration. I was nominated for most beautiful three times. When I was 17, a lost boy took a part of me. Like a thief he ripped away part of my heart, my soul even, whatever was 'inside'. He forcefully took it as he harmed me in a way beyond any hurt I had ever encountered before, but would soon know was not the worst hurt I would ever endure. But the most confusing part of that particular ordeal is how during the whole thing, he kept telling me, over and over that I was beautiful. Then it seemed like a punishment, I somehow deserved it because of what he thought of my appearance, I somehow deserved it in my mind because I had tried so hard to be 'beautiful'. I used to put so much pressure on myself to achieve 'beauty'. It was in part, my identity. After that event, I remember giving up completely to be the opposite of 'beauty', later I would hide behind makeup, clothes, trying to hide the scars, most of which were only internal. I felt like before all of that I had somehow been something special, after that, I didn't know who I was. I was so confused. I didn't know how to get back what I thought I'd lost.

A couple of years ago I had a 'relapse' of sorts, with one too many 'triggers' taking my mind, body and heart backward ten years. I went into rehab, but also started counseling again. One of the things the counselor and I worked on was "EMDR". I won't try to explain it here, but it was a way to get into my subconscious, and it worked. During a few of our sessions I was able to see, more vividly than any dream, me sitting in the floor watching this little girl. She was dancing around, the most free I've ever seen anyone. She was so beautiful she glowed with light that seemed to be around her as she circled and flowed and danced happily in front of me. I wanted desperately to be that little girl. As we went on with the sessions, I realized that the little girl I was seeing, was in fact me. It started to unravel everything, every preconceived notion of myself...what I actually wanted was to be BEAUTIFUL the way God sees me. I don't want to be the thinnest, the best complexion, wear clothes that show my body, wear shoes that show my calves, cut my hair the way it is most appealing to men. I mean, I do those things, subconsciously even, as most women do. But what I want is to TRULY be like that girl I saw so clearly. I want to feel genuinely, innocently, abundantly free and beautiful.

I think the only way to be that way is to be truly HIS. I no longer want the world to see my shell and judge or measure me up. When they see me I want them to see Him. I want them to see the little girl dancing around and beaming with His heart. I no longer want to be ashamed of being beautiful, because beautiful will now have a different definition. I want to be washed clean again, rid of my past and all it's nasty thorny, hooking tentacles left as residual agony in my mind. I want to show them my integrity, my character, my heart for God which in effect is a heart for others. I want to glow! I want to exude His glory and mercy and grace. I want people to stand in awe when they look at me because they are seeing a true reflection of Him. I want them to be amazed.

I want to be restored in His beauty. It's time to start dancing.


Verse to Ponder: Psalm 139 13-16 (The Message) Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

Patience Shmatience.

Phew! Hair appt at 9am, library, school shopping, grocery store, make/eat lunch, Zach play date, layout, clean house, do laundry, YL girl over to chat/make cookies, all my cabin girls over for bible study, YL Camp Video Watch party, dinner with YL at Cici's...ug. I'm pooped.

Well, here's one of the studies we did tonight with the girls. It's about patience. If you know me...HA! Patience Shmatience. But I can learn a lot from David.

Psalm 13 (TNIV)

"How long Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. B ut I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me."

From the study:

With all the instant gratification of our technological age, do you feel that patience is sometimes too hard to achieve? In Psalm 13, David's patience is tested and he begins complaining about the delay in help from God. Too often we may get in a bind and feel that we've been left deserted. In trying to trust God with our lives, in our frustration, we tend to revert back to doubt and want things attended to in our timing. David's thoughts are not new. But in his need, he remembers to turn to God and prays for preventing grace through his crisis. Relying on God's understanding and timing is not always easy, but may be required. God knows what plan and course of action to take, and by trying to take back our lives we can be interfering in our blessings or the blessings of others. In our waiting, we can also experience a true relationship with God, one that is strengthened, endurance greatened, character built. No wonder David ends this Psalm boasting of God's divine mercy. Psalm 13:5-6 says: But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." David reminds us that we can't always comprehend what's ahead, but God knows and His mercy prevails.

Things to think about: Why is learning patience and endurance so tough? Why sing to God when someone is fighting against us?

For ME?

I don't feel like I need to say anything today. I just feel so small, yet so completely and utterly loved.

All this...for me?