What is going on this week??!!?
Now my sister got laid off from her job, which isn't cool. I know she's worried. But another reason why it's not cool, is that she was supposed to watch my kids the week I was going to camp with YoungLife. I've already registered to go, I've raised $515 for another kid to go, they've even planned out the cabins and assigned the leaders (including me). I had even challeged a couple of the girls that if I could find a way, we could find a way for them - together.
Now, I won't be able to go and I just felt like this was what I was supposed to be doing, this, YL, camp....It all lined up like a direct answer to prayer and they needed me, and having me there helped split the leaders and the 51 girls going evenly. And I raised all that money.
At the leader meeting Wednesday night, the director mentioned to be aware that this is the time that satan will be attacking, putting doubts in the students, making some of them back out of the trip for various reasons. Is this what's going on with me? What kind of example am I setting...or at least what will the YL students see?
After all that's gone on this week I just feel deflated.
I know He can make a way through anything, and I'm not supposed to doubt, but I sure am confused and a whole lot of bummed.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Grief, or something like it....
In the last couple of days since the accident, I've seen and heard about people in our family taking things in different ways. Right after I found out the news, I just felt numb. Like stuck in 'pause'. My husband, didn't seem affected at all, and when I ask him about it, he keeps saying he's 'fine'. He tells me that his uncle (husband of his aunt that passed) is very angry now. At the hospital, his uncle and their oldest daughter seemed to have no emotion, they were talking and filling out paperwork. He said he didn't even see his other cousin cry. His mom was said to be screaming early on, and when I spoke to my husband's step-father, he was crying.
It's like this though. You say, "they're grieving", but that word encompasses an array of emotions and actions. I think we expect people to be a certain way, and if they aren't then we assume there's something wrong with them. But the fact of the matter is, we are all wired differently and the brain is a wonderfully complex thing. It can sense when there's too much trauma and act accordingly. But your brain's 'accordingly' may be very different from someone else.
Take in to fact that I have been through some pretty dark stuff. The effects of that stuff led to even more damage, and more results, even several years later. Through all of it, I BEGGED my family not to tell anyone, I hid behind my pain, and the shame of it, even though none of it was my fault. I pretended like an outsider when people would joke about 'crazy' people, or people that needed to take mental health medication. I gave no indication that at that time, I was one of those people. I held it together and gave a strong front to anyone beyond my immediate circle.
This is how I would assume anyone would act, but I know it's not the case. I know people or have known about people who will air their pain, past, everything and anything to anyone listening. I know people who skip past introductions, and 'getting to know' others, straight to the punch line. I think, how can they do that, because I fought so fiercely to do the opposite.
The same is true with grief. Everyone is different, everyone is dealing the best way they, or their brains know how. The same can happen with recovery. Some people can and WILL tell you to 'get over it', 'forget about it', that it was 'so long ago', but if you haven't finished processing it, the will to make it go away is just not enough.
On the focusonthefamily website, there is an article with the following points - pattern of phases many people experience- listed in it:
I think it's just important to let whatever process is there in each individual do it's thing. To let it happen and not fight it or hide it or explain it. And then lean on His understanding. I know when I was dealing with some awful stuff, I would cry and rock and sing over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will lead your path straight....Trust in the Lord with..." over and over until I was calm, or until my focus on the immediate crisis of my pain, or my traumatic situation or events I had currently been part of had passed. At the time it worked much like a child sucking his thumb, I didn't even know it was a verse.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 3:5,6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will lead your path straight.
It's like this though. You say, "they're grieving", but that word encompasses an array of emotions and actions. I think we expect people to be a certain way, and if they aren't then we assume there's something wrong with them. But the fact of the matter is, we are all wired differently and the brain is a wonderfully complex thing. It can sense when there's too much trauma and act accordingly. But your brain's 'accordingly' may be very different from someone else.
Take in to fact that I have been through some pretty dark stuff. The effects of that stuff led to even more damage, and more results, even several years later. Through all of it, I BEGGED my family not to tell anyone, I hid behind my pain, and the shame of it, even though none of it was my fault. I pretended like an outsider when people would joke about 'crazy' people, or people that needed to take mental health medication. I gave no indication that at that time, I was one of those people. I held it together and gave a strong front to anyone beyond my immediate circle.
This is how I would assume anyone would act, but I know it's not the case. I know people or have known about people who will air their pain, past, everything and anything to anyone listening. I know people who skip past introductions, and 'getting to know' others, straight to the punch line. I think, how can they do that, because I fought so fiercely to do the opposite.
The same is true with grief. Everyone is different, everyone is dealing the best way they, or their brains know how. The same can happen with recovery. Some people can and WILL tell you to 'get over it', 'forget about it', that it was 'so long ago', but if you haven't finished processing it, the will to make it go away is just not enough.
On the focusonthefamily website, there is an article with the following points - pattern of phases many people experience- listed in it:
- Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
- Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
- Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
- Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
- Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what has happened.”
I think it's just important to let whatever process is there in each individual do it's thing. To let it happen and not fight it or hide it or explain it. And then lean on His understanding. I know when I was dealing with some awful stuff, I would cry and rock and sing over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will lead your path straight....Trust in the Lord with..." over and over until I was calm, or until my focus on the immediate crisis of my pain, or my traumatic situation or events I had currently been part of had passed. At the time it worked much like a child sucking his thumb, I didn't even know it was a verse.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 3:5,6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will lead your path straight.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Maybe it’s still fresh, but it’s what’s on my mind…
“There’s been… an accident….He needs you… to call him….she… died and he is …in really bad shape.”
I was in shock as the words came out of my son’s mouth. He hadn’t even realized what he had repeated until he saw the look on my face. He came to me crying several minutes later after that voicemail, realizing what he had heard, who it involved and what it meant.
It is incredibly hard to comprehend, I'm not sure I'm ever supposed too. There are some things as a human that are just beyond my understanding.
I just got down in the floor with my kids and prayed for my extended family. I spoke to my husband again and told him I was sorry. I hurt for him and for his/my family, but I didn’t know what else to say. He told me he knew she was in a better place now, and everything would be alright.
As of last night, her son is still unconscious. He is unresponsive and has no reflexes, but has no injuries other than 'something wrong' with his C2 vertebrae (in his neck). They took him into an MRI last night, but we are still waiting on the results.
Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Revelation 21:4 (NLV) God will take away all their tears. There will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All the old things have passed away.
If you are reading this, please pray for my family.
Rainy Days
I know on days like today my spirits are usually as gray as the sky. It surprises me how much the weather can affect me. But today, I have my little girl here with me. When it rains, she’s much more likely to want to be right next to me, and I don’t mind. She keeps asking me, “When I grow up, am I going to be just like you?” I feel flattered, and I try to pretend that in that statement is sentiment, although it is more likely that she just wants to bigger, and not a model of her mother.
I’m working on putting together a few video clips from things I’ve shot of her recently. I’m going to work on doing something similar to that with my son after his birthday party this weekend. I’m surprised at just how much things have changed since I was a child. I don’t even get pictures printed anymore, and I can upload and edit videos with ease to keep online or on disk for cataloging.
I’ve got a couple of meetings this week, one tonight and one tomorrow night for Young Life. I’m going to camp this year with them as a volunteer. The meeting for tonight is about my role as VBS Craft leader at church. I think I may have gotten over my head with that one. I thought I’d just be passing out glue, but I came home from last weeks meeting with a folder, a spiral, packet, a tub as big as me and a huge sack of stuff to match. Yikes!
I’m excited about summer though. I’m going to start working on a calendar for the kids soon. We usually vacation a lot during the summer, but with gas prices and everything going up…I’m going to have to be a little more creative to keep them entertained.
Wish me luck!
Verse to ponder: Psalms 143:10 (TNIV) Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
I’m working on putting together a few video clips from things I’ve shot of her recently. I’m going to work on doing something similar to that with my son after his birthday party this weekend. I’m surprised at just how much things have changed since I was a child. I don’t even get pictures printed anymore, and I can upload and edit videos with ease to keep online or on disk for cataloging.
I’ve got a couple of meetings this week, one tonight and one tomorrow night for Young Life. I’m going to camp this year with them as a volunteer. The meeting for tonight is about my role as VBS Craft leader at church. I think I may have gotten over my head with that one. I thought I’d just be passing out glue, but I came home from last weeks meeting with a folder, a spiral, packet, a tub as big as me and a huge sack of stuff to match. Yikes!
I’m excited about summer though. I’m going to start working on a calendar for the kids soon. We usually vacation a lot during the summer, but with gas prices and everything going up…I’m going to have to be a little more creative to keep them entertained.
Wish me luck!
Verse to ponder: Psalms 143:10 (TNIV) Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Found this....
I found this...it DID bring me to tears. It is my life....Where I've been and what He has done for me...
(If you want to see a bigger window version of this clip, go HERE.
(If you want to see a bigger window version of this clip, go HERE.
Celebrations!
My son's 9th birthday was Friday. It is crazy to think that I have a NINE year old!! I trashed his room, as is tradition in our house, with streamers, signs and balloons while he slept. We had birthday muffins and he opened one gift before school (also tradition), I ate with him at school for lunch, and then we went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner (both tradition). It was such a great day for such a cool kid, but it really has gone by SO fast. We moved where we are 4 years ago, he wasn't even in kindergarten yet, and now my daughter will be in the fall. It kills me! My little girl keeps insisting that she wants to be 'big', not little anymore, and my son acts grossed out when I give him kisses. It's hard to adjust.
We went to church Sunday and they had a big military-themed service for Memorial Day. They had really cool videos, that looked like major movie trailers, full orchestra with what also sounded like movie soundtrack scores, then they had a soldier dressed on one side of the stage under a spotlight, and families in our church that had lost loved ones in the war seated on the other side behind a metal coffin draped in an American flag. The soldier sang on one side, while the families sat on the other. I didn't cry, but I was really close. I'm telling you, the walls around my heart are breaking down. They ended the service with really up beat gospel get-out-your-chair-and-dance type songs. It was really moving.
Today is memorial day, and it got me to thinking. I don't know enough about politics to speak on them. I don't know enough about the war to make a judgment about it. But I do know, no matter what people believe or say about their political background or thoughts on the war, they do, or at least those I've met, do regard soldiers highly, do feel indebted to them, do appreciate and honor them. AND RIGHTLY THEY SHOULD.
But, I thought about it. There is one who gave His life for us to take away our sins, sacrificed Himself to save us. And most of us, including myself from time to time, take it for granted, treat it like a fairytale or don't acknowledge it at all. Even if we don't 'believe' in the war, we get choked up at services, even if we don't know a soldier, we honor them when they return. But there is one who does know us, does love us, did die for us specifically, whether we believe in Him or not. Why aren't we choked up anymore when we hear about Him, why aren't we honoring him in our days? Wasn't he the ultimate soldier for our freedom??
Oh, and I found the song the guy sang at church on You Tube. Yes, it is country. I happen to think the guy at church sang it better, but that's just me...:-)
Verse to ponder: John 15:12,13 (NIV): My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
We went to church Sunday and they had a big military-themed service for Memorial Day. They had really cool videos, that looked like major movie trailers, full orchestra with what also sounded like movie soundtrack scores, then they had a soldier dressed on one side of the stage under a spotlight, and families in our church that had lost loved ones in the war seated on the other side behind a metal coffin draped in an American flag. The soldier sang on one side, while the families sat on the other. I didn't cry, but I was really close. I'm telling you, the walls around my heart are breaking down. They ended the service with really up beat gospel get-out-your-chair-and-dance type songs. It was really moving.
Today is memorial day, and it got me to thinking. I don't know enough about politics to speak on them. I don't know enough about the war to make a judgment about it. But I do know, no matter what people believe or say about their political background or thoughts on the war, they do, or at least those I've met, do regard soldiers highly, do feel indebted to them, do appreciate and honor them. AND RIGHTLY THEY SHOULD.
But, I thought about it. There is one who gave His life for us to take away our sins, sacrificed Himself to save us. And most of us, including myself from time to time, take it for granted, treat it like a fairytale or don't acknowledge it at all. Even if we don't 'believe' in the war, we get choked up at services, even if we don't know a soldier, we honor them when they return. But there is one who does know us, does love us, did die for us specifically, whether we believe in Him or not. Why aren't we choked up anymore when we hear about Him, why aren't we honoring him in our days? Wasn't he the ultimate soldier for our freedom??
Oh, and I found the song the guy sang at church on You Tube. Yes, it is country. I happen to think the guy at church sang it better, but that's just me...:-)
Verse to ponder: John 15:12,13 (NIV): My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
P.S. The total for YL is now up to 515.50!! Only 134.50 left. WOO HOO!!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
WOW
I put several things on Craigslist to try and sell to give the $$ to the YL goal for a camper with financial need. WELL, I had a very persistent customer from Canada, and after several emails, he donated $110 through the young life website. That means the goal is now up to $505.50!! Only 144.50 left to go! God is SO GOOD!! I know I am never alone.
Oh, and my daughter was SO cute yesterday!!! In the car she asked her brother if he was going to marry her when she got big (adult). He said that you have to marry someone you don't know. :)
She replied with, "If you don't marry me, my heart is going to tear off!"
Say it with me now..."AWWWWWWWWWW!"
It was such a sweet moment, quickly followed by my same sweet little girl saying, "MOM. I think there's a problem......I can't toot!"
Yeah....
She graduates from preschool tomorrow and she is SO excited!
Oh, and what does my son have to say about girls? He says that if a 'hot' girl is coming up to him, or looks and smiles at him, he's got it covered. "D-A-C, mom." What's that you ask?? "Duck and cover!"
He's a trip!
Ok, so I'm into music. DUH. Here's another cool video! Enjoy!
Verse to ponder: John 14:14-18, 26 (NKJV) "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. If you love Me, keep My commandments. And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever - the Spirit of Truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you."
Oh, and my daughter was SO cute yesterday!!! In the car she asked her brother if he was going to marry her when she got big (adult). He said that you have to marry someone you don't know. :)
She replied with, "If you don't marry me, my heart is going to tear off!"
Say it with me now..."AWWWWWWWWWW!"
It was such a sweet moment, quickly followed by my same sweet little girl saying, "MOM. I think there's a problem......I can't toot!"
Yeah....
She graduates from preschool tomorrow and she is SO excited!
Oh, and what does my son have to say about girls? He says that if a 'hot' girl is coming up to him, or looks and smiles at him, he's got it covered. "D-A-C, mom." What's that you ask?? "Duck and cover!"
He's a trip!
Ok, so I'm into music. DUH. Here's another cool video! Enjoy!
Verse to ponder: John 14:14-18, 26 (NKJV) "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. If you love Me, keep My commandments. And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever - the Spirit of Truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you."
And I can't go back...back to how it was...
(So far, still sleeping great! We've raised $381.50 so far for YL, only 268.50 left on our goal, YAY!!)
It's been a great day, getting closer to our goal for YL, beautiful sunshine, my son's bday is Friday. I didn't really have a topic on hand for today. I've just been reading and I like this Psalm, it seems like it fits in so well with what I want to say these days. It speaks alot about the way I feel I'm changing, how my relationship with him is growing. And like the song says (at the bottom) "I can't go back to how it was."
Psalm 139: 1-18, 23-24
It's been a great day, getting closer to our goal for YL, beautiful sunshine, my son's bday is Friday. I didn't really have a topic on hand for today. I've just been reading and I like this Psalm, it seems like it fits in so well with what I want to say these days. It speaks alot about the way I feel I'm changing, how my relationship with him is growing. And like the song says (at the bottom) "I can't go back to how it was."
Psalm 139: 1-18, 23-24
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too--your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful--I can't take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute--you're already there waiting! Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!" It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration--what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful! God, I'll never comprehend them! I couldn't even begin to count them--any more than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I'm Surprised??
It makes me laugh sometimes how I have the audacity to be surprised by God. I claim to have faith, but looking back on my life I've seen myself give up on Him quickly when I didn't feel that things were moving along my way, or prayer answered quick enough. On the flip of that coin, when I have been faithful and patient, I still get surprised when my prayer is answered, when my needs are met.
Case in point, I mentioned on my last blog that I had slept two nights in a row. Well, now it's been 4 nights in a row. I had been concerned about my sleeping for the YL Camp trip this summer. I didn't know how taking meds and odd sleep hours of camp would work. Now, I haven't taken any meds and have slept like a baby for almost a week.
Also, I've been praying and studying and telling the world about my involvement with YL, as well as my goal to raise $650 for one student in need to be able to go to camp. I had a garage sale on Saturday. My family brought me some stuff, donating it to the cause. I had planned on having it this past Saturday, but was concerned because in my city, we can't post garage sale signs. I found out just a couple of days before that my HOA in my community was actually going to have a neighborhood wide garage sale on the same day and would be posting signs at the entrances, on Craigslist and in the local paper. What are the odds that the community's once a year sale fell on the day I had been preparing for?? I also told my mom and dad (who helped me at the sale) that it would be amazing if I could just make enough money to be half-way to my goal. Well, with the change given at MOPS, we reached $320, just $5 short of exactly half-way. I was also able to tell more people about YL during the course of the day.
There's also Dusty's job. We were so concerned for months, and the day I decided to be part of YL, he gets offered his old position back, with a raise, with the hours (and bonus) he never was able to get before.
I feel so foolish! I know in the past if things didn't work out, I became angry, at critical moments, I remember even blaming God. And then when I am turning to Him, relying on Him, trying to know Him, trying to change my life and reach others for Him, I have the audacity to be surprised by him, by what seems to be the very real presence of Him, very clear message, very definite answer to prayer.
I think as Christians, we sometimes think that we are better than the rest. That somehow we think we will get favorable treatment. This is why I think we are so surprised when we aren't exempt from this world's trials and pain. But isn't that what really strengthens our faith? If we became followers of God and then life was rosy, wouldn't we fall in our relationship with him? We would have no reason to question, no reason to turn to Him, to seek Him, to trust Him, to really, obsessively want to know and love Him. I think that faith is more about finding God, in everything. Not being faithful ONLY when we see an obvious answer to prayer, but just as much in times when we don't. In waiting and listening, we pray. Our lives become full, real lives for Him. A faith-based, believing, trust-filled life is one of love for God where though Him we can work everything into something good.
Easier said than done, I know. But I'm working on it...
Verses to ponder: Romans 1: 17 (The Message): God's way of putting people right shows up in the acts of faith, confirming what Scripture has said all along: "The person in right standing before God by trusting him really lives."
Mark 9:23 (NKJV): Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."
I John 5:4 (NKJV): For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith.
Case in point, I mentioned on my last blog that I had slept two nights in a row. Well, now it's been 4 nights in a row. I had been concerned about my sleeping for the YL Camp trip this summer. I didn't know how taking meds and odd sleep hours of camp would work. Now, I haven't taken any meds and have slept like a baby for almost a week.
Also, I've been praying and studying and telling the world about my involvement with YL, as well as my goal to raise $650 for one student in need to be able to go to camp. I had a garage sale on Saturday. My family brought me some stuff, donating it to the cause. I had planned on having it this past Saturday, but was concerned because in my city, we can't post garage sale signs. I found out just a couple of days before that my HOA in my community was actually going to have a neighborhood wide garage sale on the same day and would be posting signs at the entrances, on Craigslist and in the local paper. What are the odds that the community's once a year sale fell on the day I had been preparing for?? I also told my mom and dad (who helped me at the sale) that it would be amazing if I could just make enough money to be half-way to my goal. Well, with the change given at MOPS, we reached $320, just $5 short of exactly half-way. I was also able to tell more people about YL during the course of the day.
There's also Dusty's job. We were so concerned for months, and the day I decided to be part of YL, he gets offered his old position back, with a raise, with the hours (and bonus) he never was able to get before.
I feel so foolish! I know in the past if things didn't work out, I became angry, at critical moments, I remember even blaming God. And then when I am turning to Him, relying on Him, trying to know Him, trying to change my life and reach others for Him, I have the audacity to be surprised by him, by what seems to be the very real presence of Him, very clear message, very definite answer to prayer.
I think as Christians, we sometimes think that we are better than the rest. That somehow we think we will get favorable treatment. This is why I think we are so surprised when we aren't exempt from this world's trials and pain. But isn't that what really strengthens our faith? If we became followers of God and then life was rosy, wouldn't we fall in our relationship with him? We would have no reason to question, no reason to turn to Him, to seek Him, to trust Him, to really, obsessively want to know and love Him. I think that faith is more about finding God, in everything. Not being faithful ONLY when we see an obvious answer to prayer, but just as much in times when we don't. In waiting and listening, we pray. Our lives become full, real lives for Him. A faith-based, believing, trust-filled life is one of love for God where though Him we can work everything into something good.
Easier said than done, I know. But I'm working on it...
Verses to ponder: Romans 1: 17 (The Message): God's way of putting people right shows up in the acts of faith, confirming what Scripture has said all along: "The person in right standing before God by trusting him really lives."
Mark 9:23 (NKJV): Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."
I John 5:4 (NKJV): For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Patience
K, so I don't have the virtue of patience. I never have. In fact, it's almost comical the lack of patience I have.
Now I see it in my kids. Oops. Genetics? Example? Both, probably.
There are several things that try my patience most days:
driving - not a fan, I'm still waiting on the Star Trek teleporter
waiting in line anywhere - usually it's with my littlest in tow, running around and hiding while I'm trying to keep my place in line, or I get to hear, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, MOM! I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I need to go potty (again), I want to go home, I don't want too, I don't like it, I told you I was hungry!!!"
But sometimes, it's bigger things. In the past it was, please make this pain go away, please help marriage to be stronger, please help my friend to get better, please let me get that job! And then more recently, it's been please show me my purpose. I would pray over and over and over again waiting for the insta-answer, and after not receiving it, I would be prone to give up.
Give me the opportunity to be patient.
But I'm learning. I'm learning LOTS these days. No, I'm not more patient in the everyday stuff yet, but I'm catching myself in those instances, the opportunities to practice patience, and I'm redirecting myself.
Instead of "I TOLD YOU I WAS HUNGRY!" I'm more like, "I know you know the plan for me, so I'm going to do my best to wait." I'm less anxious this way. I'm also less stressed.
I HAVE SLEPT THE LAST TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW WITHOUT THE HELP OF ANY MEDS!!! This is the first time in years. Even recently I felt my patience crumble as I was praying all night to go to sleep because I had waited too long to take my meds and had to wait it out. I didn't sleep. I was expecting instant sleep I guess, and I got frustrated that my wish was granted. But now, I've continued to pray and wait and for TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW, I've slept.
Being patient feels like we're being tested. I know this happens to a lot of people. I've heard those close to me say: "I keep waiting, but I wish I just knew the answer. I wish things would just get better already. I wish I could just get that job, or find the guy I'm supposed to be with. I'm tired of waiting." Oh, my kindred spirits!!
I think this, like most things take time to learn, and time for our habits to change. Learning to have patience TAKES patience!!!
Verses to ponder: James 1:2-4 (NLV) 2 My Christian brothers, you should be happy when you have all kinds of tests. 3 You know these prove your faith. It helps you not to give up. 4 Learn well how to wait so you will be strong and complete and in need of nothing.
Psalm 27:14 (NKJV): Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!
Psalm 40:1 (The Message) I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip.
Now I see it in my kids. Oops. Genetics? Example? Both, probably.
There are several things that try my patience most days:
driving - not a fan, I'm still waiting on the Star Trek teleporter
waiting in line anywhere - usually it's with my littlest in tow, running around and hiding while I'm trying to keep my place in line, or I get to hear, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, MOM! I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I need to go potty (again), I want to go home, I don't want too, I don't like it, I told you I was hungry!!!"
But sometimes, it's bigger things. In the past it was, please make this pain go away, please help marriage to be stronger, please help my friend to get better, please let me get that job! And then more recently, it's been please show me my purpose. I would pray over and over and over again waiting for the insta-answer, and after not receiving it, I would be prone to give up.
Give me the opportunity to be patient.
But I'm learning. I'm learning LOTS these days. No, I'm not more patient in the everyday stuff yet, but I'm catching myself in those instances, the opportunities to practice patience, and I'm redirecting myself.
Instead of "I TOLD YOU I WAS HUNGRY!" I'm more like, "I know you know the plan for me, so I'm going to do my best to wait." I'm less anxious this way. I'm also less stressed.
I HAVE SLEPT THE LAST TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW WITHOUT THE HELP OF ANY MEDS!!! This is the first time in years. Even recently I felt my patience crumble as I was praying all night to go to sleep because I had waited too long to take my meds and had to wait it out. I didn't sleep. I was expecting instant sleep I guess, and I got frustrated that my wish was granted. But now, I've continued to pray and wait and for TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW, I've slept.
Being patient feels like we're being tested. I know this happens to a lot of people. I've heard those close to me say: "I keep waiting, but I wish I just knew the answer. I wish things would just get better already. I wish I could just get that job, or find the guy I'm supposed to be with. I'm tired of waiting." Oh, my kindred spirits!!
I think this, like most things take time to learn, and time for our habits to change. Learning to have patience TAKES patience!!!
Verses to ponder: James 1:2-4 (NLV) 2 My Christian brothers, you should be happy when you have all kinds of tests. 3 You know these prove your faith. It helps you not to give up. 4 Learn well how to wait so you will be strong and complete and in need of nothing.
Psalm 27:14 (NKJV): Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!
Psalm 40:1 (The Message) I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Forgiveness...Is more than saying sorry...
Yeah, the title is silly. It's the lyric from the ditsy character in the movie Just Friends, and it's stuck in my head...
I was actually going to write about Forgiveness yesterday, and a few days before that, but I keep avoiding it. Kind of like how I actually dish out forgiveness. I'm very stubborn.
Throughout my blog I've hinted on my past and that it's not one incident, not one person, not one betrayal, that caused pain in my life and that of my family, but many. Some leaked into others and kept our wounds, my wounds open. As hard as I tried to push those wounds away, and their memory, they were still there. Case in point of just about 1 1/2 years ago when several events led that past back to the forefront and the bandages of my repressed memories came loose and allowed the wound to open again, unleashing havoc on my mental and physical well-being.
Over the years I've heard many influential people talk about forgiveness. Theoretically, I know I should be able to do it, I know I SHOULD do it, but when instances came up where I was put on the spot about my thoughts on the subject, as it pertains to me personally, I've had more than a 'problem' with it. I guess if you get right down to it, I've just felt that if I were to forgive these people, that I would be allowing them a 'get out of jail free' card. That they would be at peace and be able to sleep better at night. That they would have ultimately won. I also felt like if I forgive them, that I'm forgiving the action that they did. But I know now, that's not right.
It's gotten so bad that I don't speak the first name of one of those that hurt me. I do it subconsciously. I actually have to consciously make an effort to say it if it's necessary that I do so for the next person I meet that has that particular name too.
Last night I had a dream, I don't remember much of it, except that another of those people I haven't seemed to be able to forgive was in it. I've seen this person only twice over the last ten years, and both times my blood boiled, my face literally got hot. I remember clinching my teeth, having difficulty breathing, doing everything I could not to look in their direction. One time this particular person even came up to me and tried to have a conversation with me. I about lost my stuffing. I just forced a laugh and walked away.
I know that this kind of hatred, this welling up of pain that won't be pushed away, even though I will it so, is WRONG. Before I would have flat out told you that I wouldn't forgive them, because they didn't deserve it.
Now, I'm trying. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to understand. I am only human, so my pain and fear and doubt in others leads me to protect myself, but I'm still trying. I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven, yet Christ has done so. Among the vast differences between He and I is that he also FORGETS, 'as far as the east is from the west'. I don't deserve that, but he grants it to me anyway.
I know forgiving means that I don't have to forget, I won't be able to anyway. But not forgiving gives these people of my past more power than they've ever had before against me. I am keeping the pain fresh and new, I am keeping the hatred so close to my heart. By not forgiving them and letting this go, I am ALLOWING them to win. I am also allowing Satan to have a foothold on my heart.
Today I am taking a step toward forgiveness, following in the example Christ has given me. It is a process, but one I'm glad to take, if not only because the alternative (of this place I have imprisoned myself) will be gone.
Verses to ponder:
Matthew 5:44 (NKJV): But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.
Romans 12:21 (NKJV): Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I was actually going to write about Forgiveness yesterday, and a few days before that, but I keep avoiding it. Kind of like how I actually dish out forgiveness. I'm very stubborn.
Throughout my blog I've hinted on my past and that it's not one incident, not one person, not one betrayal, that caused pain in my life and that of my family, but many. Some leaked into others and kept our wounds, my wounds open. As hard as I tried to push those wounds away, and their memory, they were still there. Case in point of just about 1 1/2 years ago when several events led that past back to the forefront and the bandages of my repressed memories came loose and allowed the wound to open again, unleashing havoc on my mental and physical well-being.
Over the years I've heard many influential people talk about forgiveness. Theoretically, I know I should be able to do it, I know I SHOULD do it, but when instances came up where I was put on the spot about my thoughts on the subject, as it pertains to me personally, I've had more than a 'problem' with it. I guess if you get right down to it, I've just felt that if I were to forgive these people, that I would be allowing them a 'get out of jail free' card. That they would be at peace and be able to sleep better at night. That they would have ultimately won. I also felt like if I forgive them, that I'm forgiving the action that they did. But I know now, that's not right.
It's gotten so bad that I don't speak the first name of one of those that hurt me. I do it subconsciously. I actually have to consciously make an effort to say it if it's necessary that I do so for the next person I meet that has that particular name too.
Last night I had a dream, I don't remember much of it, except that another of those people I haven't seemed to be able to forgive was in it. I've seen this person only twice over the last ten years, and both times my blood boiled, my face literally got hot. I remember clinching my teeth, having difficulty breathing, doing everything I could not to look in their direction. One time this particular person even came up to me and tried to have a conversation with me. I about lost my stuffing. I just forced a laugh and walked away.
I know that this kind of hatred, this welling up of pain that won't be pushed away, even though I will it so, is WRONG. Before I would have flat out told you that I wouldn't forgive them, because they didn't deserve it.
Now, I'm trying. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to understand. I am only human, so my pain and fear and doubt in others leads me to protect myself, but I'm still trying. I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven, yet Christ has done so. Among the vast differences between He and I is that he also FORGETS, 'as far as the east is from the west'. I don't deserve that, but he grants it to me anyway.
I know forgiving means that I don't have to forget, I won't be able to anyway. But not forgiving gives these people of my past more power than they've ever had before against me. I am keeping the pain fresh and new, I am keeping the hatred so close to my heart. By not forgiving them and letting this go, I am ALLOWING them to win. I am also allowing Satan to have a foothold on my heart.
Today I am taking a step toward forgiveness, following in the example Christ has given me. It is a process, but one I'm glad to take, if not only because the alternative (of this place I have imprisoned myself) will be gone.
Verses to ponder:
Matthew 5:44 (NKJV): But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.
Romans 12:21 (NKJV): Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Headlines
Gas was $3.69 this morning. Ten cents more a gallon than two days ago.
Myanmar's death toll was just over 300 the first time news broke about their storms and tornadoes, today it's estimated at almost 130,000 with millions displaced.
The Chaiten volcano in Chile, dormant for over 9,000 years erupted twice last week. 4,500 were evacuated while the town, crops and farms were destroyed.
China's earthquakes of last week have left an estimated 40,000 dead, missing or buried. 391 dams surrounding the epicenter were badly damaged and could lead to more devastation.
We try not to watch the news in front of the children because it's not censored, is often sensationalized and it's stories are brief leaving more questions than answers for my kids.
Having said that, I can't ignore what is happening, and my son is sensitive to it as he hears about it on the radio or at school. This morning in the car we were talking about all the devastation that has hit so quickly, and where is God in all of this. It is a valid question from my 9 year old - it is a VERY valid question for anyone of any age.
I told him about free will, and that a lot of things that happen to people may be because of choices they have made, or others have made. Can freak storms be blamed on free will? I don't know. I think there is something to this Global Warming thing, and the current strain on the Earth's resources. However, I explained to my son that sometimes God may allow things to happen because in the end, they will turn out for His glory. Allowing those things to happen may be the only way to save us. For example, right now there are people who are watching the news coverage and praying for the first time. We are sad about those who have lost their lives and their families, but if they have found salvation (including small children), they are with God. Those who are mourning will be reached by others in ways they could have never imagined. Others will fall on their knees and meet Christ for the first time. The world will have a chance to make change. The world will have a chance to come together. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying we shouldn't go through all the processes of grief. I'm not saying that we will understand His purpose now, or even in this lifetime.
I watched Evan Almighty last night for the first time. Morgan Freeman, who plays God had some great lines.:
There is a BEAUTIFUL song by Natalie Grant called, Held. In it are some very wonderful lyrics:
I also read somewhere that shepherd's sometimes break the legs of those sheep that are so stubborn that they won't stop wandering, and their actions and determination could cause them pain, suffering or death. The Shepherd then carries that sheep while it's wounds heal, and watches over it as it learns to walk again. If God is our Shepherd and we are His sheep, I assume it would be safe to say, that there are times when allowing something to happen, or 'breaking our legs' to help us, and then carrying us, watching over us, guiding us to walk with Him, may be necessary. It may just be what saves us.
Verses to ponder:
Matthew 5:4 (The Message): 4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
II Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message): All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
Isaiah 49:13b (NLT): For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Myanmar's death toll was just over 300 the first time news broke about their storms and tornadoes, today it's estimated at almost 130,000 with millions displaced.
The Chaiten volcano in Chile, dormant for over 9,000 years erupted twice last week. 4,500 were evacuated while the town, crops and farms were destroyed.
China's earthquakes of last week have left an estimated 40,000 dead, missing or buried. 391 dams surrounding the epicenter were badly damaged and could lead to more devastation.
We try not to watch the news in front of the children because it's not censored, is often sensationalized and it's stories are brief leaving more questions than answers for my kids.
Having said that, I can't ignore what is happening, and my son is sensitive to it as he hears about it on the radio or at school. This morning in the car we were talking about all the devastation that has hit so quickly, and where is God in all of this. It is a valid question from my 9 year old - it is a VERY valid question for anyone of any age.
I told him about free will, and that a lot of things that happen to people may be because of choices they have made, or others have made. Can freak storms be blamed on free will? I don't know. I think there is something to this Global Warming thing, and the current strain on the Earth's resources. However, I explained to my son that sometimes God may allow things to happen because in the end, they will turn out for His glory. Allowing those things to happen may be the only way to save us. For example, right now there are people who are watching the news coverage and praying for the first time. We are sad about those who have lost their lives and their families, but if they have found salvation (including small children), they are with God. Those who are mourning will be reached by others in ways they could have never imagined. Others will fall on their knees and meet Christ for the first time. The world will have a chance to make change. The world will have a chance to come together. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying we shouldn't go through all the processes of grief. I'm not saying that we will understand His purpose now, or even in this lifetime.
I watched Evan Almighty last night for the first time. Morgan Freeman, who plays God had some great lines.:
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"It's just like in the book of Job. God didn't make those things happen to Job, satan did. But God allowed them. In turn, Job's faith was tested and grew stronger. In the end, Job was given back all that He lost, and then some.
There is a BEAUTIFUL song by Natalie Grant called, Held. In it are some very wonderful lyrics:
This hand is bitternessPlease don't hear me saying that we should just 'suck it up and take what is dished out to us.' I will be the first to say that my faith would be tested should the devastation that is happening worldwide would come to my front door. I just find solace knowing that He is a gracious and merciful God, that he hurts when we hurt, but he has the best intentions in mind.
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
I also read somewhere that shepherd's sometimes break the legs of those sheep that are so stubborn that they won't stop wandering, and their actions and determination could cause them pain, suffering or death. The Shepherd then carries that sheep while it's wounds heal, and watches over it as it learns to walk again. If God is our Shepherd and we are His sheep, I assume it would be safe to say, that there are times when allowing something to happen, or 'breaking our legs' to help us, and then carrying us, watching over us, guiding us to walk with Him, may be necessary. It may just be what saves us.
Verses to ponder:
Matthew 5:4 (The Message): 4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
II Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message): All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
Isaiah 49:13b (NLT): For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Last YL Club of the school year!
I feel like I haven't even gotten started!! Last night was the last club night for Young Life this school year. The seniors were SO sad! I really wish I had time to connect and get to know them. Lots of them are going to camp, so hopefully I'll be able to spend some time with them there.
They played a few silly running around games in pairs, sang a few songs and jumped up and down (I actually felt the floor in the room bouncing..scary!). The director even jumped into the crowd 'mosh pit style'. Later they 'retired' this year's YL shirt and hung it from the ceiling. They showed a clip of Tom Brady (New England Patriots) being interviewed on 60 minutes. He said that he had 3 superbowl rings, fame, etc., but he feels like there's got to be something else, that something is missing. The interviewer asked him what he thought that was, and Tom Brady replied, "I wish I knew." The director talked about how things of this world will still leave you with a void. Even those we look up to are still lost and feel a void if they haven't found the Lord. He said to remember John 10:10.
Lots of parents and committee were there in support, and I got to take pictures the whole time. The director spoke about how much he really cared for each person student over the past 4 years since YL has been in Allen. Two students sang a song about how awesome camp is going to be, with each verse ending with "that's funny, because hoot rhymes with 'toot', or 'again' rhymes with 'breaking wind'... then he would proceed to squat down and make a really loud gas-passing noise with his hands making the crowd laugh. They showed a video about YL Camp. At the end, they allowed some of the seniors to stand up and say something about YL, what it meant to them, etc. I was so touched by some of their answers.
Some stood and said that because of YL they were able to come to Christ and be saved. Others told the underclassmen to NEVER miss even one Young Life, because missing out was the worst feeling to hear about it at school and the fun they missed the next day. Others told about how they learned that God wasn't the 'cop' they once thought. Yet others talked about how the leaders REALLY do care and love them and would take a call at any hour about any issue, even a torn fingernail. :) Others talked about spontaneous snow rooftop football with the director, others talked about all the new friends they made. And others stood up and said that when they first started coming to YL that they hated the people there, the leaders, all of it, because they had what these students 'thought' they had. But over time they realized that the love of Christ showed through the leaders and students, and they came to know God too. One kid actually became so overwhelmed with his love for Christ and the changes that have been made in his life that he pleaded with the other students to keep coming, to get to know the leaders, to let go and experience Christ.
Forget crying in the tanning bed, I was on a high knowing that God has chosen me to be part of such an AMAZING ministry, experience, and life-changing opportunity - both the student's and mine.
The night ended up with crazy dancing, tearful goodbyes and huge wacky group pictures.
God is good and he is faithful. I've always known that, but now I get to experience it every Monday through this group!
Verse to ponder: 1 Corinthians 1:9 (The Message) God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.
They played a few silly running around games in pairs, sang a few songs and jumped up and down (I actually felt the floor in the room bouncing..scary!). The director even jumped into the crowd 'mosh pit style'. Later they 'retired' this year's YL shirt and hung it from the ceiling. They showed a clip of Tom Brady (New England Patriots) being interviewed on 60 minutes. He said that he had 3 superbowl rings, fame, etc., but he feels like there's got to be something else, that something is missing. The interviewer asked him what he thought that was, and Tom Brady replied, "I wish I knew." The director talked about how things of this world will still leave you with a void. Even those we look up to are still lost and feel a void if they haven't found the Lord. He said to remember John 10:10.
Lots of parents and committee were there in support, and I got to take pictures the whole time. The director spoke about how much he really cared for each person student over the past 4 years since YL has been in Allen. Two students sang a song about how awesome camp is going to be, with each verse ending with "that's funny, because hoot rhymes with 'toot', or 'again' rhymes with 'breaking wind'... then he would proceed to squat down and make a really loud gas-passing noise with his hands making the crowd laugh. They showed a video about YL Camp. At the end, they allowed some of the seniors to stand up and say something about YL, what it meant to them, etc. I was so touched by some of their answers.
Some stood and said that because of YL they were able to come to Christ and be saved. Others told the underclassmen to NEVER miss even one Young Life, because missing out was the worst feeling to hear about it at school and the fun they missed the next day. Others told about how they learned that God wasn't the 'cop' they once thought. Yet others talked about how the leaders REALLY do care and love them and would take a call at any hour about any issue, even a torn fingernail. :) Others talked about spontaneous snow rooftop football with the director, others talked about all the new friends they made. And others stood up and said that when they first started coming to YL that they hated the people there, the leaders, all of it, because they had what these students 'thought' they had. But over time they realized that the love of Christ showed through the leaders and students, and they came to know God too. One kid actually became so overwhelmed with his love for Christ and the changes that have been made in his life that he pleaded with the other students to keep coming, to get to know the leaders, to let go and experience Christ.
Forget crying in the tanning bed, I was on a high knowing that God has chosen me to be part of such an AMAZING ministry, experience, and life-changing opportunity - both the student's and mine.
The night ended up with crazy dancing, tearful goodbyes and huge wacky group pictures.
God is good and he is faithful. I've always known that, but now I get to experience it every Monday through this group!
Verse to ponder: 1 Corinthians 1:9 (The Message) God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.
Monday, May 12, 2008
My sister graduated!
Not that I was surprised. She's always been very smart and very driven. But this past weekend I got to see her graduate with a Bachelor's in Arts and Sciences - Cum Laude. We then had a party at my house for friends and family. I put together a slideshow of her life from birth and sometimes I can't believe it's gone so quickly. I am extremely proud of her (maybe even a bit jealous at her success - j/k)!!
Congrats Ashley! Here's the verse for today for you!
Congrats Ashley! Here's the verse for today for you!
Colossians 1:10 (The Message)
9-12 Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.
Friday, May 9, 2008
I spoke about Younglife today at MOPS!
What I said (these were my notes):
YL Offers:
Monday night Club – crazy “shock and awe” fun, music, message.
Campaigners- deeper study for teens who want to question, or want to share their faith. This is also where high school leaders for Christ are developed.
Camp - Camp is talked about all school year as the “best week of your life – guaranteed.” Some kids go because they want to deepen their relationship with Christ, some kids go because they want to know what being a Christian is all about, some kids go with hardened hearts, but still go because they feel like it will be fun. No matter what, they all get the opportunity to see Christ, through the leaders, summer staff, the fun, music and message. Each child will get a chance to step away from their trials, struggles, pain, fear, doubt or just over-booked lives and have a safe, fun environment to meet new friends and learn about God’s love.
Read paragraph off of Younglife.org (on the What is YoungLife? tab).
My experience with YL in HS.
YL is a non-denominational, Christian organization that reaches out to youth. All youth.
YL Offers:
Monday night Club – crazy “shock and awe” fun, music, message.
Campaigners- deeper study for teens who want to question, or want to share their faith. This is also where high school leaders for Christ are developed.
Camp - Camp is talked about all school year as the “best week of your life – guaranteed.” Some kids go because they want to deepen their relationship with Christ, some kids go because they want to know what being a Christian is all about, some kids go with hardened hearts, but still go because they feel like it will be fun. No matter what, they all get the opportunity to see Christ, through the leaders, summer staff, the fun, music and message. Each child will get a chance to step away from their trials, struggles, pain, fear, doubt or just over-booked lives and have a safe, fun environment to meet new friends and learn about God’s love.
I used to think that mission trips where just somewhere far away like
I wanted to share with you some excerpts of emails sent to the Allen YL director from Allen Seniors recently.
- YL has made an eternal impact on my life.
- It always puts a smile on my face .. NO MATTER WHAT. It's not here to judge anyone, just safe, crazy, fun environment for us students to unwind in our busy lives!!
- YL has truly shown me that living with god is not a drag but a full-filling experience and since I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior at YL camp last summer I have had a better quality of life and would never trade my YL experience for anything.
- YL has changed my life in more ways than one. It's taught me that you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a Christian and to have a healthy relationship with God, but rather that God loves you in spite of those imperfections. YL has taught me to live life to the fullest and be 100% you no matter what.
- God has become my foundation, and YL was the miraculous tool that built-up the intimate relationship I share with Christ today. A true experience that I've been given and that I will also continue to give!
YL is locally funded and volunteer based. As with any outreach, it has needs that begin with prayer. Surround the youth with prayer. Please also pray for its leadership. With upwards of 100 kids for some club nights, and only 7-8 active leaders, there is a great need. Also, please pray for financial support.
The cost of Camp is $650 for the week for the students. My goal is to help raise the cost of camp for one child with financial need. If you would like to be part of this goal:
‘Give change to Bring Change’ Jar, can bring to next meeting. Get the whole family involved for Allen teens. Several months ago, my kids and I went on a hunt and found $70 in change in bedroom closets, under beds, in the couch and in the car.
If you need to eat on Monday, May 19th, you are invited to join us at Tin Star in Allen! Just eat and put my name, Brittany Carpenter, or a specific camper if you know one, on the receipt/sign in sheet. $3 from every guest receipt goes toward campers with financial need.
If you feel like you may be led to make a donation, in any amount, it’s tax deductible. Checks can be made to Allen Young Life, or you can give online at http://sites.younglife.org/sites/Allenarea/Donors.aspx. Just make sure you specify ‘campership’ online on the Allen Club Page with my name (Brittany Carpenter), or specific camper’s name, or write it in the memo of your check. The deadline for camperships is June 8th.
If you would like more info about YL or how you might help, you can find me, email me at brittcarp@yahoo.com or go to their website at younglife.org, and search for the Allen Club page.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Whatever You're Doing ...
I know I've been writing a lot lately about changes I'm seeing in me. Last night I watched 'Reign Over Me' with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It's a drama about a man who lost his wife and three daughters during the 9/11 attacks and his response to the pain following it several years later. It shows how those around him want to help, even with his isolation and frequent outbursts. It portrays a very real portrait of post traumatic stress disorder.
I was watching it in shock because I feel like I've been there. Events of my youth beyond my control led me to have the same pain and the same physical and mental characteristics, trying to block out, isolation, denial, guilt, anger, separation from friends and family, etc. But looking at it now, it feels just as fresh as back then, but at the same time, I feel like now I'm on the other side of it. I feel like if I were to meet me in that situation then, I wouldn't recognize myself. I remember thinking that I would never be the same person again, that I had lost my personality, my identity. I sometimes thought I was crazy, and sometimes I would get lost in my rapid cycling thoughts for hours on end in silence replaying events, convincing myself I was to blame for some reason, or maybe it never even happened at all. But seeing that movie and knowing what I do now about so many others who have gone through similar events, to see that step by step, by the book their bodies and minds react almost identically in the same way tells me that I am normal. It also gives me hope that they will be able to find their way too.
Even until very recently, I had been blocking my past, thinking that if I could ignore it, it would just go away. If I could compartmentalize it, and not let anyone in, then I could move forward. But it's always going to be there, it's part of me now, it doesn't define me anymore, but it is part of my makeup that has made me who I am today.
I've had a hardened heart for so long. I know this. I've worn the fact that I couldn't cry, or feel empathy as a badge. Not caring meant I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain again. Not getting too close to anyone but my small circle that's always been there meant I didn't have to extend trust to someone, which in my mind had meant opening the door to being betrayed again. But lately, I've been closer to knowing God, seeking Him at every turn, finding what He has planned for me. And now, I cry in the tanning bed thinking about how much He has blessed me, how He has shown me mercy and grace, how I'm so humbled to be His servant. Though I feel like I don't deserve it at times, I know I am precious to Him and that He hurts when I hurt, He cries when I cry. He was there when I was hurting, I just didn't turn to Him. He didn't punish me, He allowed it to happen so I could grow and reach out to Him, know Him and love Him. He carried me through it so I could tell the world.
I also heard a song yesterday for the first time with lyrics that I feel were written for me. The song is Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.
I was watching it in shock because I feel like I've been there. Events of my youth beyond my control led me to have the same pain and the same physical and mental characteristics, trying to block out, isolation, denial, guilt, anger, separation from friends and family, etc. But looking at it now, it feels just as fresh as back then, but at the same time, I feel like now I'm on the other side of it. I feel like if I were to meet me in that situation then, I wouldn't recognize myself. I remember thinking that I would never be the same person again, that I had lost my personality, my identity. I sometimes thought I was crazy, and sometimes I would get lost in my rapid cycling thoughts for hours on end in silence replaying events, convincing myself I was to blame for some reason, or maybe it never even happened at all. But seeing that movie and knowing what I do now about so many others who have gone through similar events, to see that step by step, by the book their bodies and minds react almost identically in the same way tells me that I am normal. It also gives me hope that they will be able to find their way too.
Even until very recently, I had been blocking my past, thinking that if I could ignore it, it would just go away. If I could compartmentalize it, and not let anyone in, then I could move forward. But it's always going to be there, it's part of me now, it doesn't define me anymore, but it is part of my makeup that has made me who I am today.
I've had a hardened heart for so long. I know this. I've worn the fact that I couldn't cry, or feel empathy as a badge. Not caring meant I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain again. Not getting too close to anyone but my small circle that's always been there meant I didn't have to extend trust to someone, which in my mind had meant opening the door to being betrayed again. But lately, I've been closer to knowing God, seeking Him at every turn, finding what He has planned for me. And now, I cry in the tanning bed thinking about how much He has blessed me, how He has shown me mercy and grace, how I'm so humbled to be His servant. Though I feel like I don't deserve it at times, I know I am precious to Him and that He hurts when I hurt, He cries when I cry. He was there when I was hurting, I just didn't turn to Him. He didn't punish me, He allowed it to happen so I could grow and reach out to Him, know Him and love Him. He carried me through it so I could tell the world.
I also heard a song yesterday for the first time with lyrics that I feel were written for me. The song is Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.
It's time for healing, time to move onVerse to Ponder: Psalm 34:18 (NLT) "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Good stuff in Good stuff out
I've been thinking more lately about my conviction, and how I can see my 'overflow' and actions, etc. changing. It's not out of guilt really, it's more out of, for lack of a better explanation, love. I know it hasn't always been this way, and it may not stay, or at least I have to understand that I might not be consistent, but I know it starts with a closer relationship with God. I start to read more, study, pray, build my faith and then He starts to mold to be what He intended for me to be.
Part of this has been small changes lately, like the kinds of talk I allow myself to get into, to the types of TV shows and radio I expose myself too. It DIRECTLY effects my thoughts and actions, I've seen it clearly lately. Just like the rain makes me sleepy and glum. What I do, expose myself too or take part in, even indirectly, has a direct result on who I am, changes me.
I was told an analogy a long time ago that has stuck with me, and now I tell it to my oldest kid. It had to do with my teenage years and what I wanted to be part of, or who I wanted to be with.
Besides, it's not like I can hide myself from the only One that matters anyway, He knows me better than I do.
Verse to ponder: John 12:22 (NIV) "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light. "
Part of this has been small changes lately, like the kinds of talk I allow myself to get into, to the types of TV shows and radio I expose myself too. It DIRECTLY effects my thoughts and actions, I've seen it clearly lately. Just like the rain makes me sleepy and glum. What I do, expose myself too or take part in, even indirectly, has a direct result on who I am, changes me.
I was told an analogy a long time ago that has stuck with me, and now I tell it to my oldest kid. It had to do with my teenage years and what I wanted to be part of, or who I wanted to be with.
One day a brother and sister came home and asked their dad if they could go to a concert with their friends. They were both not able to drive and the father knew about the concert, it's rampant drug use among those that attended, that the bands playing openly denounced Christ and glorified sin. He told his kids that he didn't want them to go because he feared for their safety and didn't want them to take part in the activities they all knew would be there. The kids came back with how unfair it was, and that they didn't take part in the drug use, that they would only be passengers in the car and that they didn't like the lyrics to the songs, or the intention of the artists to reach their audience with a sinful message, they just liked the 'beat'. It wouldn't affect them.SO, good stuff in, good stuff out. I've already talked about 'overflow' in a previous blog. But now I'm seeing the direct effect of my choices. I'm going to stay away from situations I know might harm me. I have to try not to lie or hide what I believe (in my words AND actions). I have to try not to hide parts of me around certain people. I have to try not to be a chameleon and talk like them, act like them, but just be me, do what I do, believe what I believe and hope that we can all learn something from each other. That's what I hope. I hope I'm putting the right stuff in and turning away from the rest. Not just for me, but so I don't cause someone else to stumble, or cause them pain.
The next day the two kids came home from school and the second they opened the door they smelled the sweet smell of freshly baked brownies. When they got to the kitchen the father had set the table and asked them to sit. He asked if they would like the brownies. Of course!! They grabbed plates and started to dive in. He stopped them short and said, I should be fair and honest and let you know that I baked these delicious brownies with just a small amount of dog poo in them. I mixed it up, so you probably won't even taste it. The kids looked at him like he was crazy. He continued to tell them, it's just a pinch, it probably won't hurt you too terribly, and you might not even notice the taste at first. The kids saw now that he was serious and dropped their plates. The father looked at them and asked them what the problem was, why they weren't enjoying the treat. Of course, they sounded their disgust and objections. The father took the brownies and threw them in the trash. He then explained how 'just a little' of a bad thing can ruin everything you have going for you, that saying that you will ignore the parts of an activity or pretend not to be actively involved in something you know is wrong could produce a bad result. It wasn't that he didn't want his kids to have friends, to love and pray for those they knew were headed down the wrong path, but to expose themselves and join in things that they knew would compromise their character and beliefs was wrong, and just like they wouldn't eat the tainted brownies, even though the taste and smell may have been great, they shouldn't take part in the concert or other situations like it.
Besides, it's not like I can hide myself from the only One that matters anyway, He knows me better than I do.
Verse to ponder: John 12:22 (NIV) "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light. "
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
YL – Blacklight Club
YL – Blacklight Night
So last night was pretty awesome. We had club at my home church in the youth room. I was given a couple cans of black light spray paint and I sprayed the kid’s hair and clothes as they walked in. Blacklights filled the room and set the tone for the evening.
We played a game with vaseline and glow in the dark cotton balls on our noses (running around trying to blow the cotton off of other’s noses), black light dodge ball, a ‘mosh – pit’ type game where students in reflective tape on glowing pool rafts were passed down rows of kids on the floor. Later ‘dancers’ in all black with glowing strands taped to their clothes like glow-in-the-dark skeletons came out and danced and threw glow-in-the-dark necklaces at the crowd. The band played a few songs to pump up the kids even more, and then the director asked me to come on stage and tell a little about myself as a new leader. After 30 seconds of “uh, well, let’s see, and then, so, and…” – I’m usually a pretty good speaker, but wow - he finally relieved me (or so I thought). He handed the kids cans of silly string, more black light spray paint and bottles of glow-in-the-dark liquid paint that was really more like cold snot. All the leaders sat in a row of chairs and the kids covered us in a mountain of the stuff, then they took pictures.
At the end, “Phat Matt” (leader) had a kid volunteer to drink a glass of a really hot thick substance and talked about when he was little his parents tried to warn him not to eat the hot sauce at restaurants, but he felt like they were just out to ‘jip’ him. He talked about how he used to think that God was a “cosmic kill-joy” and that even though he loved God, he followed his friends and led his life for worldly things, like drinking and girls. After conviction consumed him, and a close friend of his in college passed unexpectedly in the night, he started to change. He said, “Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t promised, all you have in this world is today.” He came to realize that a relationship with Christ is not restricting; it’s amazing, just like they show the kids every Monday at Club. It’s freeing and fulfilling, instead of empty and full of temporary thrills that leave you feeling guilty, wasted up and lost.
He referenced John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. He went on to say that the 'thief' is the world (and the sin in it), but God has sent his son Jesus, so that we may have life to the full.
Then he paraphrased his talk with a rap (he was actually really good!) I'm still SO amazed at how the kids are attentive and supportive of hearing the message put before them, and how well the messages are relatable (is that a word?) to the kids!
All in all, it was yet another successful Club night, and SO much fun. I didn’t go to sleep until after
Verse to ponder: John
Monday, May 5, 2008
Shedding MY skin
As I’ve been studying lately, and that’s what I feel it is, studying, questioning, searching for truth, I’ve noticed a shift. I’ve grown up in church off and on, but even though I know what I believe, I still don’t want to ‘take them at their word’, I want a true understanding and personal relationship with Christ – they were the building blocks, but I’m seeking the truth for the foundation.
When I go about my day my ‘yuck’ is made apparent to me. I don’t mean to say that I’m consciously saying or even thinking, I’m a Christian, I can’t do that! It’s almost as if my subconscious is now made more aware and I’m feeling ashamed of things. Not in a ‘guilt’ way, but more in a way that makes me notice these things and not be interested in them anymore, OR notice that the direct effect of them changes my focus, my mood, my ‘overflow’ (previous blog) toward others, especially my family.
Some recent examples are the shows I usually TiVo. I don't think the bible that says I can’t watch Dirt, but I’ve recently stopped recording it, because the thoughts it leaves me with are less than savory. It’s almost as if the ‘tint’ of my world around me after watching things like that becomes a little darker. Also, with the show Riches, I love story lines in this show, but the last episode I watched had "G-D" it in it over a dozen times. I couldn’t even get into it because I felt offended by it. What’s weird is that I’ve watched it since it began airing and I’ve never noticed that before. I know this isn’t the first episode that that was a choice word, it was probably always there, I just wasn’t aware of it.
Another example is the kind of conversations I take part in. I know gossip is wrong, I know judging people is wrong. Believe me, I’ve been the brunt of both and it was almost more than I could come out from under alive. But I’ve noticed that in conversations with my friends that they talk a certain way about a group of people or about a person in particular, and I’ve been so quick to be part of that conversation without missing a beat – ME – the one that doesn’t want to gossip. Well, I apparently do – I was just not so sensitive to it. Now, I’m more aware of things, holding my tongue, redirecting my thoughts, ashamed that I had been part of that before.
Yet another example was my focus. I focused on what I could be doing, learning, ‘being’ and I would put my kids to bed quicker, spend less time with my husband, so I could spend more time doing the things I thought I should be, or I wanted to be doing. I had a selfish attitude about life. "I-I-I-Me-Me-Me." Now, I’m trying harder to take time to get in the floor and play with the kids, to draw out bedtime, to put down the computer or the phone or my book to go and sit with my husband. To follow up with friends to see how they are doing.
When my focus is on God and knowing and learning, thirsting to understand, he makes himself plain to me (previous blog) and I'm beginning to feel like He makes ME plain to me. He makes me aware of things I can change. These things aren't restricting, they are freeing me. I don't want to be a ‘slave’ of man (or the world), but a ‘servant’ of Christ. And I’ll tell you what, Christ has always loved me. The world, well, it’s just as fickle and self-serving as I've been.
Verse to Ponder: Joshua 24:15 (NKJV) "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve."Friday, May 2, 2008
You're not the boss of me!!
Yesterday my daughter was supposed to wear PJs to school. We have whole drawer of pajamas, but most are just old t shirts and shorts, or hand-me-down mix matched ones from my son. So, we took a quick trip before school to Target. As we were walking hand in hand through the store, my daughter began letting me know some things.
“I don’t want a princess one anymore.”
When I was loving on her and telling her what a sweet little girl she was she interrupted and said,
“When I grow up, can I wear your clothes?” WOW.
After school it was more of the same. If she couldn’t get into a swing that was too high off the ground by herself, she would struggle for upwards of ten minutes before giving up to do something else. "I can do it by myself!" She certainly didn’t want any help from me.
And of course, “I call you
Why was she so determined to grow up so quickly? Why did she now struggle against my help? Why was she ready, in her wise old age of five to forgo her youth?
It got me thinking about me. I am so ready to do for myself, by myself sometimes. I’ll just do it myself. I asked you, but you haven’t answered yet. Or when you did, it wasn’t the answer I asked for. I know I’m struggling, unnecessarily at times, but I’m a big girl now! I don’t need your help! I wonder if God is sitting there saying…”Yes, spread your wings”, or if he feels a tinge of sadness because of my stubbornness and desired estrangement from Him.
I think it requires a balance. I need Him, and I want to turn to Him, but I’m very, very, VERY stubborn. I fight against who’s in control and when or if I might need to concede. My actions often scream, “You’re not the boss of me!” Even to the detriment of myself.
It's just like how when you see someone you love going in the wrong direction, (maybe you've been there before or you have a better view of where it leads, you can caution them until you are blue in the face) sometimes they just have to find out for themselves and learn from their mistakes. Sometimes it takes the struggle and consequences for us to appreciate the wisdom of others, of God, and allowing yourself to accept the guidance.
Verse for today: Psalm 23:1-3 (The Message)
God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.
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