Sticks and Stones...

So we are meeting once a week with some of the girls from our cabin at camp for a bible study. We are just reading 5 Psalm and 1 Proverb a week. I'm putting together study guides from devotionals, commentaries and other study guides online...just condensing them and putting them in 'teen-ese'.

Here's one from next week...

Psalm 12

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but can words really hurt us? How can we be God’s people in an unfaithful, lying culture? Psalm 12:1 (NIV) says, “Help, LORD, for the godly are no more; the faithful have vanished from among men.” David feels alone, and craves the help of God. Sometimes the situations we are in, the troubles we have dealt with, the thoughts we have had make us feel that we are alone. The words of others can be confusing, misleading, or other times seem to be spoken with the intent of harm. Too many times we may feel that these ‘tongues’ are right and that we are in control of our lives. But God has the only words that are flawless. "Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise," says the LORD. "I will protect them from those who malign them." And the words of the LORD are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times,” Psalm 12:5-6. David understood that people can betray each other with their lies, their self-serving nature that can lead them to glorify and honor what is wicked. David says in Psalm 12:7, “O LORD, you will keep us safe and protect us from such people forever.”

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Do you feel like you have, or should have control over your own life? Can words ever hurt us?

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 12:7-8 Therefore, Lord, we know you will protect the oppressed, preserving them forever from this lying generation, even though the wicked strut about, and evil is praised throughout the land.

It's reunion time...

It's my ten year reunion this weekend...dinner, family picnic and mixer at a bar in Dallas this Friday. I guess I should be excited. But honestly, I don't want to revisit a part of my life I feel like I moved away from, grew up from, pushed back into memory and some parts, have taken me this long to just be 'okay' with. I certainly don't want to pay people to go back in time. Don't get me wrong, there are some people that I would LOVE to see again, and I'm sure most of the people have changed (let's hope). But it's not about the people, it's about me visiting that time of my life again...don't wanna do it. And it sucks because the reunion committee is made up of really sweet ladies, and I know they've busted their butts for these events.

But, I'm not going. I've made up my mind and moved on...

Except that because I was on the online invitation, several people have emailed me with the email I have on there. AND that's ok! I wanted the people who did email me, to do so. It's fun to catch up, in a non-threatening, no reverting back to bad memories, kind of environment. :)

But really what this has all done is see how far I've come, how much I've changed in the last ten years. Thank goodness!!

Ribbons and Bows

Ok, so I followed the example of a friend of mine and updated the Blurb. New look, music...good stuff. Let me know what you like, or don't. (FYI-You can turn off or on or skip in the music player). It's a work in progress.

Ok, so on to the last day of camp. We got up early for a 'believers walk'. We walked the grounds and listened to the speaker talk about what it meant to go from here. Those that went on the walk got new YL bibles. We went into the main club room and listened to some from our area talk about what that week meant to them. We watched videos, skits and then ate a late breakfast and started packing/cleaning up. We went to Club one last time and listened to the speaker talk about the whole week. I watched as during a time they called, "Say Anything" several students from all areas stood. I choked up as I saw ten students from Allen stand and tell about how they accepted Jesus that week. After the last club we all went outside and saw tables end to end in a line covered with white paper and surrounded by wooden chairs on both sides, as far as the eye could see in both directions. We all sat down and ate with our hands! It was to represent the 'last supper' and would be ours at camp. We got on the bus to drive 3 hours to the Mall of America. We spent an 1 and 1/2 at the mall - it was just TOO big for my tastes! - then got back on the bus for the remainder of the 20 hr. ride.

I learned so much about these kids that week, and about myself. It was amazing!!

The Offer

One night (can't remember which night) we had "CNL" (Castaway Night Live). Lots of the leaders were in hilarious skits, in between skits they showed 'the best of You Tube' on the big screen and in the back they videoed interviews of the 'actors'. It was really, really hilarious. I got a small part. I walked out very pregnant in a 'contagious' skit. I just said, "Hi, Ya'll!". But the whole place started cheering and laughing - it was really fun. So anyway, on this day, we got up and heard the rest of the 6 stories in the club room. People had lots of questions for the 6 people, and afterwards, we went outside as a cabin and answered some questions about what we heard. We also had an outdoor competition where we had to run from station to station to do things like ultimate frisbee football, human knot, sumo wrestling, chase the bunny, free throw shots, tug of war, handstand competition, etc. We went tubing this afternoon, which I've never done, and it was SO much fun! I thought I'd be scared, but when you are trying to convince all the girls why they should, you forget about being scared. :) Right after tubing we got ready to go to banquet. The girls dressed up and looked SO pretty, we went into the main dining hall and had a yummy Italian dinner and we took lots of pictures as a group. We changed clothes after that and went to club.

After all the hilarious skits we saw every night, the speaker talked about the offer. He summed up everything we had heard about over the week and said that the offer is life. We have to move. Anyone from anywhere can follow. He talked about the questions of life being answered through Jesus and what He did. He talked about leaving our own stories and moving into God's. God said you're worth coming for. He talked about how Jesus didn't come to point an accusing finger at the world, but to show his love. He didn't come to teach a religion, he simply said, "Follow me." He died, and suffered for us, but still gives us a choice, an offer. In the study guide for the leaders that morning it read:

God's grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and is grace because it gives a man the only true life. (Bonhoeffer)

They had the 15 minutes of quiet time again on the grounds after the talk, and when the girls came in, they all had lots to say. This was our best cabin time by far, as there were more questions, but even more answers. I told the girls what another leader had told me earlier in the day as we talked about the offer. Several of the girls thought they needed to know God before they accepted Jesus, that they needed to 'get right' before they could accept Him. We talked about how Jesus said, "Come as you are." I had a watch on my wrist and I said to the girls, "I have this gift I want to give you (I pointed at my watch). But when is it yours? Is it now? (I started to take off the watch and held it out), is it now? Or is it when you reach out and take it (one of the girls did). I related it to what the speaker had said about the offer of Jesus, and almost immediately a few of the girls said that they were ready. They wanted to the gift. We talked for a while and then two of the YL work crew (HS volunteers) walked in with juice and cookies. They stayed for a little while and talked about their stories. The girls looked up to them. When they left the girls kept saying, "I can't believe she deals with that too..." We all went out for coffee and the coffee shop or to play pool, ping pong or 4 square in the game room before calling it a night.

Verse to Ponder: John 3:16-18 (The Message) "This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him."

THE Night

So today we woke up had club in the morning where we got to hear more pieces of the 6 tell their stories. I got to steal away with a girl that I had wanted to get to know, but hadn't had the chance. I didn't know any of the girls before the trip, but this girl was just on my mind the whole week. As she spoke, I felt tears in my eyes because I knew God had put me there, had kept this girl on my mind, for this conversation. She spoke as if she was me a decade ago, with one of the major trials I dealt with, down to the littlest detail, and I was blown away. I got to thinking that this was one reason why I went through what I did, so I could be the one that finally understood what she was going through. I started to think that He knew that ten years later I would be meeting this girl. He knew what she had to say would heal me as much as I would ever begin to try and help her.

We ate lunch outside that day, it was beautiful. We had free time again at the beach too.

That night before we went to club again we had a leader meeting/worship time. It was an amazing experience, as they prepared us for what would be talked about that night, it all started to sink in. Then as we prayed, they asked us to say aloud, with our heads bowed, the names of the kids we thought needed to hear what was going to be said, those that we were concerned for. I was so overwhelmed in that moment, hearing all the area leaders whisper the names. I started to feel so humbled that I was chosen to be there; that my purpose was to be His hands and feet with these girls. I didn't want to fail them! I was so overwhelmed with how much I had begun to care for the girls in such a short amount of time. I knew it was God.I thought about those girls that had shared their stories with me, and how eerily similar some of the details were to my life and how crazy similar their response and feelings they had was to what I did, or how I reacted. I realized that this night these beautiful children of God could forever have their lives changed, and how odd it was that I was chosen to be here, to be part of it - how God made my past and their present intertwine, and how in that moment I realized I was healing too. I was knowing and growing more. My heart literally broke and opened up for what that meant, how unbelievable what being there at that camp meant for the girls and for me. I couldn't help it, I started crying. I was silent, but I was so consumed by all of it and that the bottom line was it was love. I have had the hardest time coming to terms with things in my life, some of which never made sense until that moment crying listening to the names of those kids being washed over with prayer. I tried desperately to stop, because I didn't think I'd be able to explain what I felt to those around me and I didn't want the attention to be on me. So I kept wiping my eyes and swallowing hard and finally, with red eyes, I got it together, just in time to hear our city director sobbing uncontrollably beside me. When we opened our eyes he still couldn't control his tears and emotion. The other leaders around me whispered that in 4 years, they had never seen him cry. He just told us how much he cared for us, and for these kids and this night's talk is what the last 4 years had been leading up too.
hands and then sank again under his weight. A crown of thorns, mocking him, had been pushed down into his scalp. He stood in front of everyone naked. The speaker talked about how it took several hours for him to die.So, the speaker spoke that evening in club. He talked about how Christ intersected our story. Our path was on a downhill line headed for death. Jesus intersected our story, humanities story, in a horizontal line that never ends. He came with the promise to heal, free and release us, to make all things new, to rescue what is lost and to give us life to the full - all things answered. Jesus absorbed our depravity - all of it - took it on and defeated it. He remained God centered the whole time but took on our self centered stuff. The speaker went into detail about the 39? leather lashings that when they struck Jesus marked him, but also pulled away flesh. He talked about how heavy the cross was for him to carry uphill, after he had been beaten until he was unrecognizable, so heavy he couldn't carry it. He talked about how on the cross his wrists held the nail between the bones and to breathe, he had to lift himself up against the wounds of hisHe told us how God sent his son, to take on everything that we would ever have to face: embarrassment, harassment, physical pain, trauma, loss, persecution, etc. all in one event. Just before his death he said, "It is finished." After all they did to him, all he took on, he was saying that from that moment on, it would be different. It is finished once and for all - we can't do it, it's done. The speaker told about how he defeated death, because he was alive again, in the flesh three days later. He also said that you can't give what you don't have. Jesus was perfect, took on everything we will ever face, and defeated death. He gave us the offer of eternal life because he had it to give.

After the talk the kids were told to be silent and go be alone on the grounds to have 15 minutes quietly by themselves. Some would just sit and think, others would pray for the first time, others would finally understand what they've heard before, others would start to acknowledge and accept what they now knew. I went back to the cabin, I was still so overwhelmed by the way the speaker told it, like I was understanding it, really, for the first time. To see all the kids across the grounds...I went back to the cabin and prayed over each bunk, for each girl I already cared so much for, and for me, to be what He needed for them. Back outside, the staff started singing from all sides of the campus, "Amazing Love, how can it be..." The kids came back to the cabin that night, and for some it was just the beginning.

Sunset at Camp
In the leader devotional for that morning it read:

"The primary reason I've struggled with the love of God is the simple fact that it's like no other love I've ever known. All the other love I've encountered has had something to do with me. My actions somehow preceded the love and proved it conditional. I may have been loved because of my reputation, my possessions, or my talents. But being loved by God is different. His love is unique in that it has nothing to do with me. God hasn't chosen to love me b because of things about me that he finds lovable. God's love has everything to do with what's true about God. It is God's nature to love, and so God loves me naturally." (Fil Anderson in Running on Empty)

Verse to Ponder: I John 5:11 (NIV) And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

The next morning..

We served the girls breakfast in bed. It was nice for all of us to take a breather after so much being packed into the last few days. We had club in the morning this day and ate lunch again outside. We had some free time on the beach and I got to have some one on one time with some of the girls. We shared 12 scoops of ice cream and broke the record, although they never put our name on the board - UG!

That evening we went to have club, sang and listened to 6 staff tell parts of their stories, some included abortion, living apart from their parents, losing family, their hs experiences, etc. They only told a portion of their stories, and would continue their stories each night for the remainder of the week. It was interesting to hear the girls talk about how their lives related to some parts of the stories they heard. The speaker that night talked about how Jesus is the answer, He is the greatest to ever live. His life was fully lived and He promised to deliver it to us. He intersected humanities story. He drew a line on the board that showed us in a downward slope toward death. Jesus intersected our story (horizontal infinite line). Jesus promised to heal, free and release us, to make all things new, to rescue what is lost and to give us life to the full all things answered. Jesus is the only person to be completely perfect. He was completely God centered and never one single time self centered. He talked about Jesus encountering lepers and stopping to hear their story, take time to listen to them (instead of healing them from a distance because of their contagious affliction) and then healing them.

We all went over to the courtyard after that and saw a huge scene. A pirate ship with several people fighting on it, an 'ocean' with life rafts and sharks, a jail with people in it, people on an island fishing, a group playing cards, all dressed as pirates...etc. HUGE detail in the whole thing...all frozen. Then a gunshot (cannon ball?) went off and the whole thing came to life, 50 people doing whatever they were doing in the scene, then another gunshot and it all froze again. They told everyone to take a look at what they saw and go back to their cabins and recreate it, then come to dinner. SO, we all went back to the cabin. We tore apart fabric I brought to make head ties and bandannas and sashes, we put on dark make up, wore eye patches. We went to dinner and the whole thing, all the round tables, were set on the floor. We ate sitting on the floor at the table, and it was all pirate themed, even all the decorations and the servers were 'in character'. It was awesome! After dinner we went to a carnival. Here the campers were able to do carnival midway type booths to earn tickets. Then they went up to the stage and gave their tickets to the MC and told them which leader they wanted to have do a 'punishment'. My name got called twice! I got pied and dunked!! The point was to take it and wear it as a trophy, showing the kids how they can unload it all on us and just like Christ did for them, we will take it and not give it back. I felt strangely honored to be dunked and pied, although I was FREEZING afterward.After the carnival we went into a big gym and they taught all of camp how to square dance in big groups. It was hysterical. It was so fun to see all the kids mingling with different groups from their school, and then different groups from around the US and every one of them with a HUGE smile. At the end of the night they had a dance party with music from the ages. I danced too! Well, hopped, my foot still hurt. :)

It was SO much fun, and to see all the kids just let go and love each other, no cliques or pressures or expectations, it was awesome.

Verse to Ponder: Hebrews 7:25 (NIV) Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

The next day

Yeah, I don't remember exactly what we did this day. We had club in the morning. We had lots of free time, hot tub time, time in our cabins, a clean-your-cabin-competition (we SO should have won that - we got jipped.) We strung the over-shoulder-boulder-holders across the room with the sign reading "We only need God's support" across our clean cabin. :) I think this is also the day we got up early to go rockclimbing. I had a sprained foot (fell of the bus - YES!) so I had to do it one-footed (but I made it to the top!). We convinced all the girls to attempt it, and eventually they did.

We had a bonfire/luau that night on the beach and another club that evening. The speaker talked about how living alone (without God) we are self-centered, even if we don't 'want' to be. He talked about how living self-centered instead of God-centered is what sin is all about. We author our own story and it messes up everything else. He also talked about a definition of death being "opposite of life to the full" - desire unmet, hope unanswered, eternity taken away and relationships broken. "I'm not who God created me to be, I know it, I'm trying to fix it, and it's killing me."

The devotional for the day for the leaders had a part in it that really stood out to me. After dealing with what I've dealt with in my life, and now hearing about the traumatic things these girls are dealing with, or have been through, this devotional was a good one for me. It read:

"Suffering - Pain, humiliation, sickness and failure - is but a kiss of Jesus. Once, I met a lady who had a terrible cancer. She was suffering so much. I told her, "Now you come to Jesus on the cross that he is kissing you." Then she joined hands and said, "Mother Theresa, please tell Jesus to not stop kissing me." It was so beautiful. She understood. Suffering is a gift of God. A gift that makes us more Christlike. People must not accept suffering as punishment. (Mother Theresa in Words of Love)

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see." (Bill Wilson)

"Don't vex your minds by trying to explain the suffering you have to endure in this life...Even in the midst of your suffering you are in His kingdom. You are always His children, and He has His protecting arm around you...Don't ask why; don't try to understand. Does a child understand everything His father does? Can he comprehend parental wisdom? No- but he can confidently nestle in his father's arms and feel perfect happiness, even while his tears glisten in his eyes because he is his father's child." (Albert Schwitzer in Reverence for Life)

This was a hard cabin time for the girls. They felt like their sin was exposed, like the speaker was telling them they weren't 'good enough'. Some even told us they felt depressed that evening. It was so hard for me to keep a secret that the next night they would get to hear the rest of the story. We talked about if God punishes, or allows. We talked about how we feel that God is crying and hurting when we are and never leaves. Some of the girls came to the realization that if some of the things that had happened in their lives hadn't happened, they would have no reason to turn to and try to understand God, or rely on Him, or trust in Him.

Verse to Ponder: 1 Peter 4:12-13, 19 (The Message) Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it.

And so I was saying...

Ok, so I took a pause...Thursday night I had some of the girls from my YL Camp Cabin over for a sleepover. So needless to say, Friday I was tired! They are such a great group of girls. Anywho...

So, the next day at camp we had water olympics. We split into colored teams (we were red) and did things like sandcastle competitions, kayaking races, water balloons slingshot, zip line races, log wars, sink the canoe, inter tube wars, synchronized swimming, etc...

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING COMPETITIONRED TEAM SANDCASTLE RED (AFT) GROUP
"Blindman" KAYAK RACES
We ate lunch outside like we did several days at camp. This day we didn't have any other activities planned for our cabin, so we got to enjoy some free time. I got to have some one on one time getting to know some of the girls, which was nice, and I learned how to make hemp bracelets at the bead stand on the beach. I also did some shopping at the camp store.

That evening we went to club as usual. The speaker talked about how our stories are 'messed up'. Our stories aren't as they should be, for us or the world. That we are not alone, but we are not exempt. God does care. The speaker also talked about the similarities of guys to Jesus, and girls to Jesus. Sorry, I only paid attention to how us girls are similar. (I wish I'd taken notes!!) What he said was one of the coolest things I've heard. He said that girls/women want to be fully known but never figured out, just like Jesus. We talked about this in our cabin time and what that meant. I think it's a beautiful statement. To me it speaks to how He wants us to pursue Him, to always seek and long to know Him, to question and consider more and more. But I don't think we as humans in our limited understanding will ever, in this life, fully figure Him out. I love that. That means we won't ever stop trying.

In cabin time, the group was a little more talkative. It was great to see the wheels turning and the questions that were being asked.

We played Zoo that night. I am terrible at Zoo. It was hilarious though, I laughed so hard I was literally crying, and they made fun of me. Which was also pretty funny too.

In the Devotional we got as leaders each morning, there was a great story to do with everything we'd be learning and experiencing that day at camp:

"Before meeting the disciples on the boat, Jesus is alone on the mountain. He walks down slowly-grinning after listening to the affectionate words from his father and soaking up the stillness after a day crowded with people and noise. His eyes sparkle as God stirs the wind and sprinkles refreshing drops of rain onto his face through the evergreen boughs. Jesus probably loves walking on the water the way I love walking on the beach in a storm. The fury of the wind and water careen ecstatically about, but he doesn't feel scared, just exhilarated by nature swirling through the air at his feet. He is dancing in the waves while the disciples cower in fear. Peter senses this wild peace as Jesus approaches: "Don't be afraid," Jesus laughs as he sees the stricken faces and hears a barely audible whisper, "It's a ghost from the quaking boat." "It's only me." Peter, scared as the rest but intrigued by the peace in the Voice stutters through fear, "Jesus, if it's really you, ask me to come dance on the water." "Come dance with me," answers Jesus. So Peter steps off the boat onto the whirling, raging dance floor. He looks into Jesus' eyes, letting him lead the first steps on the water, and for a few miraculous moments, they dance. Amazed at the wilderness of the dance, Peter looks away just as the sea and sky and fish dance more fiercely to welcome him to the revelry. Fear grips him as he begins to sink, realizing his feet are anchored on nothing but mystery, moving to a rhythm he doesn't yet understand - though nature seems to know the same song that coursed through him in the beginning, which frightens and excites him all the more. "Lord, save me!" he cries and looks up to find the playful eyes of the One he has come to love but not understand. "Why did you doubt?" Jesus smiles as he reaches down for Peter's frigid hand and pulls him gently into the boat. "We could have danced all night." The storm slows its dance to the rhythm of the waves lapping a lullaby against the small boat. Disciples look in awe on the peaceful, smiling One and their friend who is beginning to never recover form a taste of the dance. "Truly you are the Son of God," they mutter. "No one else could dance like that..." (Caroline McKinney in Storm)

Verse to Ponder: Matthew 14: 27 (TNIV) But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

Pause...

I know I've been detailing YL Camp this past week, but when I got home from Camp I watched the Homerun Derby with my family and saw this guy, Josh Hamiliton that plays for the Rangers. I kept hearing throughout the event how much the commentators went on and on about how 'he'd changed'. At the end of the second round, after 28 home runs, Josh turned to the camera and said, "I can't believe how much God has changed me and how quickly He's done it." I wanted to know his story right then. Just like I was blogging yesterday, the guy at Camp was talking about our 'stories', I wanted to know his. I got my answer today when I received an email....

'I'm Proof That Hope Is Never Lost'

By Josh Hamilton (as told to Tim Keown)
ESPN The Magazine

Updated: July 5, 2007

To let you know how far I've come, let me tell you where I've been.

Not that long ago, there were nights I went to sleep in strange places praying I wouldn't wake up. After another night of bad decisions, I'd lie down with my heart speeding inside my chest like it was about to burst through the skin. My thinking was clouded, and my talent was one day closer to being totally wasted.

I prayed to be spared another day of guilt and depression and addiction. I couldn't continue living the life of a crack addict, and I couldn't stop, either. It was a horrible downward spiral that I had to pull out of, or die. I lay there -- in a hot and dirty trailer in the North Carolina countryside, in a stranger's house, in the cab of my pickup -- and prayed the Lord would take me away from the nightmare my life had become.

When I think of those terrible times, there's one memory that stands out. I was walking down the double-yellow of a two-lane country highway outside Raleigh when I woke up out of a trance.

I was so out of it I had lost consciousness, but my body had kept going, down the middle of the road, cars whizzing by on either side. I had run out of gas on my way to a drug dealer's house, and from there I left the truck and started walking. I had taken Klonopin, a prescription antianxiety drug, along with whatever else I was using at the time, and the combination had put me over the edge. It's the perfect example of what I was: a dead man walking.

And now, as I stand on the green grass of a major league outfield or walk to the batter's box with people cheering for me, I repeatedly ask myself one simple question: How did I get here from there?

I've been in the big leagues as a member of the Cincinnati Reds for half a season, but I still find myself taking off my cap between pitches and taking a good look around. The uniform, the ballparks, the fans -- it doesn't seem real. How am I here? It makes no sense to anybody, and I feel almost guilty when I have to tell people, over and over, that I can't answer that one simple question.

I go to sleep every night with a clear mind and a clear conscience. Every day, I walk into an immaculate clubhouse with 10 TVs and all the food I can eat, a far cry from the rat-infested hellholes of my user past. I walk to my locker and change into a perfectly clean and pressed uniform that someone else hung up for me. I grab a bat and a glove and walk onto a beautifully manicured field to play a game for a living.

How am I here? I can only shrug and say, "It's a God thing." It's the only possible explanation.

There's a reason my prayers weren't answered during those dark, messed-up nights I spent scared out of my mind. There's a reason I have this blessed and unexpected opportunity to play baseball and tell people my story.

My wife, Katie, told me this day would come. At my lowest point, about three years ago, when I was wasting away to skin and bones and listening to nobody, she told me I'd be back playing baseball someday. She had no reason to believe in me. During that time, I did nothing to build my body and everything to destroy it. I'd go five or six months without picking up a ball or swinging a bat. By then, I'd been in rehab five or six times -- on my way to eight -- and failed to get clean. I was a bad husband and a bad father, and I had no relationship with God. Baseball wasn't even on my mind.

And still Katie told me, "You're going to be back playing baseball, because there's a bigger plan for you." I couldn't even look her in the eye. I said something like, "Yeah, yeah, quit talking to me."

She looks pretty smart, doesn't she? I have a mission now. My mission is to be the ray of hope, the guy who stands out there on that beautiful field and owns up to his mistakes and lets people know it's never completely hopeless, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I have a platform and a message, and now I go to bed at night, sober and happy, praying I can be a good messenger.

Addiction is a humbling experience. Getting it under control is even more humbling. I got better for one reason: I surrendered. Instead of asking to be bailed out, instead of making deals with God by saying, "If you get me out of this mess, I'll stop doing what I'm doing," I asked for help. I wouldn't do that before. I'd been the Devil Rays' No. 1 pick in the 1999 draft, supposedly a five-tool prospect. I was a big, strong man, and I was supposed to be able to handle my problems myself. That didn't work out so well.

Every day I'm reminded that my story is bigger than me. It never fails. Every time I go to the ballpark, I talk to people who are either battling addictions themselves or trying to help someone else who is. Who talks to me? Just about everybody. I walked to the plate to lead off an inning in early May, minding my own business, when the catcher jogged out to the mound to talk to his pitcher. As I was digging in, the home plate umpire (I'm intentionally not naming him) took off his mask and walked around the plate to brush it off. He looked up at me and said, "Josh, I'm really pulling for you. I've fought some battles myself, and I just want you to know I'm rooting for you."

A father will tell me about his son while I'm signing autographs. A mother will wait outside the players' parking lot to tell me about her daughter. They know where I've been. They look to me because I'm proof that hope is never lost.

They remind me that this isn't really about baseball. It's amazing that God allowed me to keep my baseball talents after I sat out three years and played only 15 games last season in A-ball. On May 6, I hit two homers against the Rockies at home, and I felt like I did in high school. I felt like I could do anything on the field.

I've been called the biggest surprise in baseball this year, and I can't argue with that. If you think about it, how many people have gone from being a crack addict to succeeding at anything, especially something as demanding as major league baseball? If I hadn't been picked up by the Reds after the Rule 5 draft, which opened up a major league roster spot for me, I'd probably still be in A-ball. Instead, I'm hanging around .270 with 13 homers through 60 games with Cincinnati ; not bad for a 26-year-old major league rookie. But the way I look at it, I couldn't fail. I've been given this platform to talk about the hell I've been through, so it's almost like I need to do well, like I don't have a choice.

This may sound crazy, but I wouldn't change a thing about my path to the big leagues. I wouldn't even change the 26 tattoos that cover so much of my body, even though they're the most obvious signs of my life temporarily leaving the tracks. You're probably thinking, Bad decisions and addiction almost cost him his life, and he wouldn't change anything? But if I hadn't gone through all the hard times, this whole story would be just about baseball. If I'd made the big leagues at 21 and made my first All-Star team at 23 and done all the things expected of me, I would be a big-time baseball player, and that's it.

Baseball is third in my life right now, behind my relationship with God and my family. Without the first two, baseball isn't even in the picture. Believe me, I know.

***** I'LL NEVER forget Opening Day in Cincinnati . When they called my name during introductions and a sellout crowd stood and cheered, I looked into the stands and saw Katie and our two kids -- Sierra, who's nearly 2, and my 6-year-old stepdaughter, Julia -- and my parents and Katie's parents. I had to swallow hard to keep from breaking down right there. They were all crying, but I had to at least try to keep it together.

I pinch-hit in the eighth inning of that game against the Cubs, and Lou Piniella decided to make a pitching change before I got to the plate. The crowd stood and cheered me for what seemed like forever. It was the best sound I've ever heard. When I got into the box, Cubs catcher Michael Barrett looked up at me from his crouch and said, "You deserve it, Josh. Take it all in, brother. I'm happy for you." I lined out to left, but the following week I got my first start and my first hit -- a home run.

Whether I hit two bombs or strike out three times, like I did in a game against the Pirates, I never forget that I'm living with addiction. It's just part of my life. Johnny Narron, my former manager's brother, is a big part of my recovery. He's the Reds' video coordinator, and he once coached me in fall baseball when I was 15. He looks after me on the road. When they pass out meal money before a trip -- always in cash -- they give mine to Johnny, and he parcels it out to me when I need it.

I see no shame in that; it's just one of the realities of my situation. I don't need to be walking around with $400 in my pocket.

I know I'm different, and my teammates have been very accepting. Being a rookie in the big leagues, there are certain rituals involved, and one of them is carrying beer onto the plane. My teammates gave me that job on one of the first road trips, and I didn't do it. I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be seen carrying beer onto a plane. They respected my decision.

I get a lot of abuse in visiting cities, but it only bothers me when people are vulgar around kids. The rest I can handle. Some of it is even funny. In St. Louis , I was standing in rightfield when a fan yelled, "My name is Josh Hamilton, and I'm a drug addict!" I turned around and looked at him with my palms raised to the sky. "Tell me something I don't know, dude," I said. The whole section started laughing and cheering, and the heckler turned to them and said, "Did you hear that? He's my new favorite player." They cheered me from that point on.

I live by a simple philosophy: Nobody can insult me as much as I've insulted myself. I've learned that I have to keep doing the right things and not worry about what people think. Fortunately, I have a strong support group with Katie, my family and Johnny. If I ever get in a bad situation, I know I would have to get out of it and give Johnny a call. The key is not getting myself into those situations, but we've talked about having a plan for removing myself just in case. It's all part of understanding the reality of the addiction.

In spring training, when I hit over .400 and made the team, there was a lot of interest in my story.

I decided to be open about what happened to me; early on, I was doing long interviews before my first game in every city. It's been amazing how people have responded, and I think being honest helped. I can't avoid my past, so I don't try. It's not always easy, though. I got sick in late May and ended up on the disabled list after going to the hospital with a stomach problem, and I knew I'd have to answer questions about whether I was using again. I can't control what people think, but the years of drug abuse tore up my immune system pretty good. I get tested three times a week, and if it comes back positive, I know I'm done with baseball for life.

Aside from our struggles as a team, this season has been a dream for me. And that's fitting, because in a way I had to learn how to dream all over again. When I was using, I never dreamed. I'd sleep the dead, dreamless sleep of a stalled brain. When I stopped using, I found my dreams returned. They weren't always good dreams; most of the ones I remember were haunting and dark. They stayed with me long after I woke up.

Within my first week of sobriety in October 2005 -- after I showed up at my grandmother's house in Raleigh in the middle of the night, coming off a crack binge -- I had the most haunting dream. I was fighting the devil, an awful-looking thing. I had a stick or a bat or something, and every time I hit the devil, he'd fall and get back up. Over and over I hit him, until I was exhausted and he was still standing.

I woke up in a sweat, as if I'd been truly fighting, and the terror that gripped me makes that dream feel real to this day. I'd been alone for so long, alone with the fears and emotions I worked so hard to kill. I'm not embarrassed to admit that after I woke up that night, I walked down the hall to my grandmother's room and crawled under the covers with her. The devil stayed out of my dreams for seven months after that. I stayed clean and worked hard and tried to put my marriage and my life back together. I got word in June 2006 that I'd been reinstated by Major League Baseball, and a few weeks afterward, the devil reappeared.

It was the same dream, with an important difference. I would hit him and he would bounce back up, the ugliest and most hideous creature you could imagine. This devil seemed unbeatable; I couldn't knock him out. But just when I felt like giving up, I felt a presence by my side. I turned my head and saw Jesus, battling alongside me. We kept fighting, and I was filled with strength. The devil didn't stand a chance.

You can doubt me, but I swear to you I dreamed it. When I woke up, I felt at peace. I wasn't scared. To me, the lesson was obvious: Alone, I couldn't win this battle. With Jesus, I couldn't lose.

***** I GET cravings sometimes, and I see it as the devil trying to catch me in a weak moment. The best thing I can do is get the thought out of my mind as soon as I can, so it doesn't turn into an obsession. When it happens, I talk to him. I talk to the devil and say, "These are just thoughts, and I'm not going to act on them." When I talk like that, when I tell him he's not going to get the best of me, I find the thought goes away sooner.

Believe it or not, talking to the devil is no harder to explain than many other experiences I've had since that day last December when my life changed. I was working for my brother's tree service in Raleigh , sending limbs through a chipper, when I found out I'd been selected by the Cubs and traded to the Reds in the Rule 5 draft.

But there is one story that sticks with me, so much so that I think of it every day. I was driving out of the players' parking lot at Great American Ball Park after a game in May, with Katie and our two girls. There's always a group of fans standing at the curb, hoping to get autographs, and I stop to sign as many as I can.

And on this particular night, a little boy of about 9 or 10, wearing a Reds cap, handed me a pen and something to sign. Nothing unusual there, but as I was writing the boy said, "Josh, you're my savior."

This stopped me. I looked at him and said, "Well, thank you. Do you know who my savior is?"

He thought for a minute. I could see the gears turning. Finally, he smiled and blurted out, "Jesus Christ." He said it like he'd just come up with the answer to a test. "That's exactly right," I said.

You see, I may not know how I got here from there, but every day I get a better understanding of why.

Day 2

Ok, so I'm labeling these things Day 1, Day 2...but in actuality, I'm trying to remember what happened in sequence, when it's probably not entirely accurate. I slept about 4 hours a night for 8 days!

Ok, so the next morning we woke up and went to breakfast. Every morning I went to get coffee (and lots of it, nothing like sharing a room with 16 girls to make one less than regular!) and have a brief quiet time. That day we had a vball tourney in the morning with each cabin split into teams with their own 'uniforms'. I personally thought ours rocked (we were superheros). In between games you had to 'impress' the M.C.s with tricks and flare. (Hand stands, pyramids, backflips, singing, bubbles, cheers, spelling out our cabin names with our cabin girls, catching frisbees and turning them in, etc.) I am terrible at vball, and playing on a bum foot in uneven sand is well, not so much fun. But the 'flare' parts were fun, and seeing our group start to gel, was even greater.That afternoon we went banana boating and it started to rain on us, but we kept going! It was my first time and it was pretty fun. I liked watching the facial expressions of the girls as they were about to fall off, it was hilarious for all those left in the boat. I only wish I'd brought my camera. Later we went parasailing in two groups. The other leader and I both went on both rides. I was so stoked because those that 'weren't going to do it, I don't care what you say', did. And they loved it. I had such a peace 300 feet up, I could have stayed there all afternoon.

That evening at 'club' we sang songs together, watched silly, fun skits and listened to the speaker talk. He showed pics of himself growing up (pretty funny, actually) and told about his 'story'. He talked about how all of humanity has a story. He also talked about being made in God's image and what that really meant. He talked about Adam and Eve. When we went back to our cabins for 'cabin time' most of the girls were quiet. As we all sat on the floor talking about our day and the club talk, a couple opened up. My heart hurt for these girls and what some of them have been through. I also wanted to cry out, "You are SO precious. Jesus loves you SO much!" when they told about how some of them felt about Jesus, or about 'religion'. But I held back. I wanted to respect their views, allow them to question. The other leader and I told them that questioning and seeking for yourself is the only way to find the truth.

It was an emotional night, but we really got into getting to know each other. We decorated journals and went to sleep.

Verse to Ponder: Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Day 1

We left on Saturday just after 9pm. I will be honest and say that I was a bit intimidated. Getting on the bus (we had two) not knowing anyone, not even the other leaders really, was well, uncomfortable to say the least. The bus ride took 22 hours. When we stopped, I usually tried to sit in a group, mostly on the outside trying to find my place. From the beginning of my being able to go on this trip I had considered myself as more of a 'chaporone' than a 'leader' because I'm so new and knew practically no one. By the time the bus rolled up in MN, I had made a friend sitting near me at the front. We made friendship bracelets together and exchanged them. All throughout the week, my new friend would see me and show me the bracelet and make sure I was wearing mine. So, there we were, FINALLY at camp, and I felt myself getting anxious and excited! All the work crew (high school students from around the US that volunteer for 1 month of service at a YL camp) were clapping and high-five-ing the arrival as the kids stepped off the bus. I waited for the last camper still gathering her things. I looked back for her, stepped of the bus and twisted my ankle. I sprained my foot!!

It was embarrassing, sure, but it gave me a great story and good excuse to get to know the kids as I limped and hopped the first few days in the brace the camp Dr. gave me.

We all went to our assigned cabins, ours with 15 girls and two leaders, one potty and two showers. Yikes! I walked in, and I felt SO old!! I had all of these pre-conceived notions about these girls that they would think I was 'cramping their style' or be the odd one out of their cliques. I figured, like me at that age, they would probably have attitudes... That night changed it all.

Dinner in the hall is set up "family style" with round tables, about 8 each, passing food around the table and engaging in conversation. I fumbled the convo the first night, as did some of the girls that didn't know each other well. But hearing how much they liked sitting around a table and passing food, because it's not what they usually do, was nice.

After dinner, the first task we had was "Protect Your Leader". All the girls dressed in "throw away clothes" (we got wet and gross!!) and the other leader and I in camo. We were yelled through the grounds in darkness to climb through pipes, shimmy down poles, army crawl, carry me on a gurney, get pelted unexpectedly with water balloons and flour, crawl under and climb over things, run, run, "Protect Your Leader!!", all ending up in a nighttime race/swim in the lake under a stationary log and back, crawl under hammocks on the beach...Protect Your Leader

ALL with a bummed/swollen foot! But the girls protected us, for the most part, and it was a great bonding experience. I also got to know the other leader in my cabin a bit more.

The first night was kind of quiet, but sleeping on a mattress in the floor had never felt so good!

More on Day 2 tomorrow!!

I'm back!!!

I'm back and I am pooped!! I will be sharing the amazing-ness of the last week in the next few days in detail with pics!

Here's one for now...God worked through the lives of these kids, but He also worked in me. It was truly life-changing.

Here's a new verse I have come to love this past week...

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 18:16-19 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, From my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my Support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He Delighted in me."

Happy 4th!!

Happy 4th!!

When I think of the 4th, I think of fireworks, hotdogs....speaking of hotdogs....I watched the Nathan's Hot Dog championship on TV this afternoon. The winner ate 64 hotdogs in just under 11 minutes (there was a 'dog-off' due to a tie). I don't know when I'll be able to eat another hot dog again. It was like a train wreck and I just couldn't stop watching.

But anywho, I leave for camp tomorrow evening, and I'm again very excited. The fears and worries have all but faded away and I feel renewed for the opportunities of next week. I would say the last of my concerns include changing in front of my cabin (not for me), sharing a potty with 20 girls (I'm steering clear of coffee and bran muffins all week - HA!) and snoring/grinding my teeth at night. Poor girls...HA!

But I'm still packing and getting ready to leave. I'll have dinner with my family and my mom and dad tonight and that will be nice. I think we're going to the lake tomorrow before I leave and that should be fun. I'm hoping for peace and His will to be done throughout the next week, at my home and at Camp.

Verse to Ponder: John 14:27 (NKJV) Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

SEE YOU ON THE 14th!!!!

Not until now...

I have been so excited to go to YL camp since I found out I could have a chance to go. I've never been to a YL camp, or any camp (besides Cheer Camp, and that's just WORK!!) for that matter. And from what I hear, YL Camp isn't like "camp", but has resort quality lodging and amenities, chefs, activities and 'club'. Also, the opportunity to grow in my walk, and then to be able to bond with the kids for next school year, AND to have the opportunity to be used as a tool for His purpose as we watch these kid's hearts unfold...I was stoked.

Until now...

Ok, so I'm still really excited, but I'm also nervous. I know this is Satan trying to creep in, but I already really know I'm going to miss my family. I thought originally I might enjoy the break, because I'm with them 24/7, and coming back refreshed might be good for me and for me to be a 'fresh' mom/wife for them. But now, I just know I'm going to miss them. AND worry about them. My husband is a terrific father, but he's not with them ALL the time, like I am. He lets them follow at their leisure behind him through parking lots. He doesn't know that Jaedyn needs constant supervision in the pool, if you wander, or she gets away, she freaks and flounders and takes in water. Of course, it will probably be pizza and donuts for breakfast/lunch/dinner for the entire week! I'm just saying, I'll be several states away, and I'm nervous.

I have to trust that everything will be alright. I have to not worry, but accept that everything will be okay. I will admit that this morning when my son was asking what I was going to be doing at camp and I showed him the video below, he was concerned for ME, and I liked his sweet heart and thoughts. "Are you going to wear a life jacket?" "You're going to wear a helmet, right?" "What if you get hurt?" I just comforted him and asked him to pray for me, and that I'd be home soon.

We leave Saturday evening. I will keep relying on faith that it will be the experience that I had originally been so excited about. I will keep praying that my family will have fun and be safe while I'm gone. It's like I feel safe in this bubble in my home. But I know and have to trust that no matter where I go, He is with me.

Castaway Club -Detroit Lakes, MN - VIDEO

Verse to Ponder: Joshua 1:9 (NKJV) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

It's not so far away

It's not ancient memory. It's not a past life. It's just a nightmare, a 'trigger', a getting-worn-down- and-letting-myself-be-consumed moment away. It's an ever looming shadow cloud that waits patiently for my defenses to be down. Sometimes it lies and tries to convince me that it would be easier if I just succumb to it.

My past and it's deep scars are ever-present daily. Sometimes even hourly. It's not something that I will ever just 'get over', it's not something I can win. Sure I've been able to push it back, defend myself against it, get stronger through Him that strengthens me. But it never goes away. And just when I feel like I'm 'normal' again, Satan uses my weakness, my kryptonite against me in waves of deception, lies, guilt and pain.

I dreamed last night about it all. Not in detail but like a watercolor wash of the demons that surround me ready to pounce. I know their control over me, if I would just give in. But I know He is there for me now; to lean on, to find courage, to make me strong, to give me forgiveness and mercy.

I LOVE, love, LOVE finding new music. I found this group called Jackson Waters. Their song "Come Undone" feels like my anthem. There is a spiritual war all around me, this much I know. I have to fight against it to rise above it. It's a daily battle. I just have to turn to Him and be washed over, enveloped by Him to survive.

Come Undone

There are ways I’ve been fallin'
There are times I’ve been so weak
There are moments I hear redemption calling
But I’m too far down to speak

Chorus
Come sweet fire of mercy
Cover up my skin
Warm me like the sun
Won’t you let me in
To come, come undone

There are scars that I‘ve been hiding
There are ghosts that I do not name
There are closets I do not care to open
They open all the same

Chorus

Verse to Ponder: 1 Peter 5:8-10 (NLT)

8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 9 Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.

He's AWAKE!

It has been a strange few months, and here's an update. My husband's cousin who was in a coma after a fatal (loss of my husband's aunt) car accident on May 27th, is awake! I just got word today. Here's what the email said:

He's "awake" now -- but still has blurred vision and not fully at quick response level. This will come with time per the Doctors. But, he recognizes us and he's responding to our questions. I am so very thankful and grateful -- you just can't imagine. However, now the hard work begins. [He] is starting through physical therapy and it will be painful. So, I will very much appreciate your on-going prayers for [him] and my Brother and my little 5-month old niece plus my 16-year old neice and 20-year old neice. [who all lost their mom/wife in the same accident.] The impact of my Brother losing his wife, on 5/27 is devastating. Some days he does ok and other days he "flounders". Our whole family is pitching in to help with the children, house upkeep, meals, and anything else that comes along. Time is against us right now -- but, with the grace of our precious Lord, we will pull through this. Thanks again for your special prayers for us.

What a miracle! I am beginning to grow more and more. It's a hard thing to hope. Faith is very trying and tricky concept. To truly let go and whole-heartedly trust His purpose, His plan, His timing.

Verse to Ponder: Romans 15:13 (NLV) Our hope comes from God. May He fill you with joy and peace because of your trust in Him. May your hope grow stronger by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"He's got his paintbrushes out, right Mom?"

My kids and I were drawn to our front porch this Sunday evening. It was a panoramic sunset in colors and shapes I've never seen before. My kids made comments about how God gave us this gift; this breathtaking view. He just dabbled in His paint and showed us how much He cares for us. We weren't the only ones appreciating it, half my block was outside with their cameras. It was the most beautiful and surreal picture I have ever seen. The swirls of hues of blues and purples against oranges and pinks...we all, half my street and I, stared until it was too dark to see. We tried to take pictures, but they just don't do it justice....

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 42:8 (The Message) Then God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer.