Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Oh, how the view is different from here!

"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes, you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them." - Adam R. Gwizdala

I am just flabbergasted at how much I have changed, just within the last decade. I remember when we first bought this house, how proud I was of it. Not that I’m not proud now, I just see how silly I used to be. Like when I was a child acting aloof while I held my new doll against the window in the car for passer-bys to see and appreciate my good fortune, I felt the same about my new big house.

Our first Christmas we were in need of a new Christmas tree. Our old ‘charlie-brown-esque’ tree just wasn’t going to cut it in these new 20 foot ceilings. My husband and I shopped all around for the biggest tree we could find and afford. I was so proud of that thing! We circled the store showing off our new gigantic tree for all those around us to admire. That first year we were so excited and prominently displayed the tree in the six windows on the back of our house. We took pictures of it, we even invited our friends to check it out. By the third year of an all-day event to lug the monstrosity out of the attic in several pieces and use a 10 foot ladder to set it up and decorate it, and even more hours finding the one light that no longer worked making the whole thing dark – we chose not to put it up anymore. We even busted out the old Charlie-brown tree. We made decorations with the kids and spent the day wrapping presents and eating food instead.

I also think about how when I was thirteen, after another smoggy gem from my dad, that he blamed on a mysterious elephant or frog under some chair somewhere, I looked at my mom with disgust and said, “How could you ever marry someone that farts like that!” She laughed and said, one day you will! I furiously denied that fact at the time. I was going to marry someone with a washboard stomach, no hair anywhere but where it was supposed to be, no flatulence, a big pocketbook and lots of romantic ideals. Who would have guessed that I would be completely smitten with a man after 12 years together, who let’s say, just doesn’t quite make the list of my 13 year old self? How is it that with all of his differences from that list, he's still the man of my dreams?

Then there’s the career vs. mommy debate. I’ve struggled with this more than anything. At times I felt like being ‘just a mom’ wasn’t enough. When my son was little I was on track to be the youngest executive in my company, making more than anyone I knew my age. After my daughter was born, I chose to stay home and even though I struggle with discontentment from time to time, or feeling incompetent as a mom, I know this is where I’m supposed to be right now. But in the future, things may change again.

It is a journey. At some spots things seem so important, at other times, they are just silly. We all grow, change, evolve and learn. I am SO thankful for that journey, and look forward to my next decade of changes and growth. I am now more open to change, more open to embrace the journey, even with all of it’s bumps and potholes!

Verse to Ponder: John 10:10 (CEV) I came so that everyone would have life, and have it in its fullest.

Giants and cardboard

So this weekend at church the service was about giants. It was about how everyone has their own giants and that they can't wear other's armor to fight them. He referenced David and Goliath and how facing this giant was an even greater feat for him, the small unknown boy with just a sack of rocks. He talked about how he tried on the armor of the king, but it just swallowed him, so he went at it the way he felt he was led too and won.

I think it's so true. I know in my life I have struggles I deal with, things I have to make a conscious effort to deny, to avoid, get past and steer clear of. I know that for some that I know, their giants would be easy for me to face, and vice versa for them. For instance, I don't have an 'addictive' personality, meaning that I have tried many harmful things once, twice, or a handful of times and was able to walk away unscathed. However, one try for some would lead to a lifetime of addiction. For me, when I went through all the mental yuck, it was easy for some to tell me to 'just get over it'. And BELIEVE ME, if I could have just turned it off like that, I would have. But for them, it just seemed that easy. I also know about hanging on to your past. My husband seems to be able to forget and let go of anything hurtful from his past, things he's had the unfortunate place in, or things that he's done. But others I know seem to be 'stuck' in their past. They can't get by one day without feeling regret, remorse or like they don't have a chance (or even deserve) to move forward because of what happened yesterday.

My giants are MY giants, and their's are theirs.

At the same time, we can't use another person's armor to defend ourselves. Just because someone you know has more spiritual 'experience', or deeper relationship, you can't rely solely on them to 'fix' your struggle with your giants. At the same time, someone you know can't will you to 'be better' because of their life with Christ, or even simpler their ability to get past those giants in their lives. I have to strengthen MY relationship with Christ, I have to seek help to fight MY giants. And I can't feel guilty about those giants in my past. I can't feel guilty about my inability to successfully defeat them like those around me. I can't try to defeat these giants, just to please those around me, but because I am a work-in-progress and am totally worth it to Him. It's not about what they think, it's about what He knows. Because again, they are MY giants, not theirs.

I do believe that those giants can be overcome though. I know in the past I have been so quick to say, I can't do it, because I have been unable to up until that point. But in that mindset, I'm closing the door on God. I'm boxing Him up in a neat little package of MY understanding. I'm limiting what can be done because of what I feel can be done by ME. But I'm not alone. It's not just me. These giants will not win, they cannot win, and I have to have the faith to hold on to that, to believe in that, to not forget that the next time one of my giants knocks on my door. I can do EVERYTHING through Christ that strengthens me. I have to build up my armor to have that strength.

A friend sent this my way and I thought it worked SO well with what I've been thinking about lately, about our giants and about how through strengthening our armor (having a deeper relationship with Christ, learning, questioning, seeking...) we can overcome.


Verse to Ponder: Philipians 4:13 (NKJV) I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.

Fragile

Lately I've been acutely aware of how fragile life really is. I was thinking about it last night after we went to visit my husband's cousin (who is still in a coma) in the hospital. Most of the ride home we were silent.

I just thought about how when I was younger I was so careless, I did SO many things out of my pain, my circumstances and what was made available to me, my naivety...SO many things that put me in situations that could have ended my stay here. Then of course, there were the times I actually set out to make that happen, and yet, by the grace of God, I survived. But how, why? Why was I spared, how did I escape? I also thought about how easy it was to do these things, to be part of these situations, because all I was thinking of was myself. Even from the beginning of my marriage (will be 10 years this year) to now, how much more cautious I feel when my husband leaves (like he just did to go on a lake trip with 5th graders), when I'm in the car driving or riding, when my kids are away. I think before I felt that I didn't have anything to live for, actually I felt like I'd be doing a service by leaving to those around me who wouldn't have to be burdened by me anymore. That thought now breaks my heart. Finding a relationship with God has given value to my life.

I stayed by my cousin-in-law's side last night and watched him as he laid there looking so peaceful, looking like if I spoke too loud he would just wake up. In reality, after speaking to the nurse, it isn't the case. His brain has to 're-map', build new connections...it could be a month, it could be five years. And when he wakes up, if he wakes up needing just rehab, then he will be faced with the death of his mother. It was just a crazy accident, a freak random event that has taken two happy healthy people and turned the lives of those close to them upside down.

I know I've always heard that if it's 'your time', it could happen anywhere, at any time. But that doesn't keep me from feeling any less cautious. I know in my heart if something like this happened to my immediate family, my husband, my child, that it would 'be for a reason', even if I don't comprehend it. If my family were to move on, that they are saved and would be in a better place, but that doesn't make my human heart carry concern any less. I can't picture myself in the place of my husband's uncle. I can't breathe when I think about it.

I just want to keep my family in a bubble. I want my husband to go be with the 5th graders, but at the same time I don't want him too, because it's been really windy lately and there's a chance of rain while he's on the lake, distracted by kids. I want my son to go to summer camps, but then I don't because I don't want him to get injured or worse because he can't swim well. I want my mom to go to her work conference in just a few weeks because it is a great opportunity for her in her job, but I don't because she'll be flying and will essentially be alone in a big city.

I struggle to get past this aching inside that has been awakened by this past few week's events. I now have something to live for, to care about and I can't get past feeling like we are all just so very fragile.

I've been reading my bible and looking for strength. I know prayer works, I'm proof. I know the bible says not to worry; I'm doing my best. I know I am loved by God who understands and controls everything. I will do my best to 'Let go and Let God'.

Verse to Ponder: Matthew 6:34 (The Message) "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

3rd grade - check!

Well, my son has passed 3rd grade as of today. He was awarded in front of his grade an award for most improvement. He also got one of his articles published in his class newspaper! I am so proud!

My husband is preparing to go to help with the 5th grade lake trip for our church this weekend. My son really wants to go, but he isn't a proficient swimmer.

He also wants badly to be part of young life's camp trip.

But he will be able to be part of VBS with me (I'm leading crafts - AH! Scary...) soon. I was just thinking today how things have been steadily changing, and how many opportunities we now have as a family to serve, and to be part of something great as an example for the kids...i.e. younglife, VBS and 5th grade trips. It's fun, and it just feels right.

Verse to Ponder: Romans 12:10, 11, 13 (NKJV) Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

Updates...

My mother in law emailed everyone about the status of my husband's cousin, who is currently in a coma at Baylor. Here is part of her updates...

"Here's the latest I know regarding [my husband's cousin]. When the accident happened last Tues, it was raining hard all day. [my husband's aunt and cousin] were coming home from downtown. [She] was traveling along beside a huge 18-wheeler and she hit a "slick spot" in the road and hydroplaned in front of the 18-wheeler. The truck hit her car broadside (T-boned) on the driver's side. I don't know how fast they were going at the time; but, it completely caved in the driver's side of the car and killed [my husband's aunt] instantly...

[my husband's cousin] C-1 (right at the neck) vertebrae was severely damaged while being knocked around during the accident...He developed "Noxess" which is not getting enough oxygen to the brain when he passed out from shock. He was rushed to Big Baylor...The accident happened around 2pm on Tuesday afternoon. They (doctors) determined that he also has "Shearing" which means the same thing as when someone shakes a baby too hard and the brain hits up against the skull causing bruising and damage. The Shearing combined with the Noxess and damaged C1 vertebrae is his diagnosis...

He is now moving his arms and legs and feet and responding to touch in some areas. He's now warm tot he touch and his tongue is moving. The swelling is almost gone in both eyes. He doesn't have any injuries from the neck down. The doctors say his damage will be in "one of the 3rds" level. The 1st third being that he only has surface shearing which didn't go too deep and when he wakes up he will be mostly back to the status he was before the accident and will have to have some therapy. The 2nd third being that he has deeper shearing and when he wakes up he may not be at the intelligence he was before the accident and will hae to have a lot of therapy to bring him back to the status he was before the accident. The 3rd third level being that when he wakes up, if he does, he will be close to 'brain dead' and be doubtful if therapy will work at all. The doctors placed a "shunt" on the top of this head to relieve any fluid buildup. However, there was very little - which is a good thing. His temperature hasn't gone above 101, which is also good. His left eye has tried to come open at some points. The doctors have backed down the breathing machine some, since he is trying to breathe on his own. He has an arterial IV that goes straight into his heart so they can get exact readings. He is being fed through a tube and has a catheter.

He was to graduate 5/31. His school principal took his diploma to the hospital last weekend.

His family and over 80 friends have visited him. His oldest sister has never left his side. His aunt's are taking care of the family's finances and insurance issues. His dad' and mom's co-workers and bosses have set up a savings account for him and for his new 4 month old sister."

Thank you for all of your prayers.

Faithful

I am still shocked by how faithful He is! I know, it's stupid how I doubt.

I've been praying for three major things lately: 1) that my husband's cousin would get some good news, 2) that my sister would be able to find another job quickly and 3) that would I be able to find a way to go to camp.

Here is what has happened, just yesterday...

1) My husband's cousin (the one in the serious car wreck) has gotten good results of the pressure tests in his brain, and not only do they feel that he will wake up, but they think it will be soon. He's also now miraculously able to breathe part of the time on his own, as they are beginning to wean him off his breathing machine. Just two days ago they thought he would never wake up!

2) My sister began looking for work, and already a temporary agency put her on assignment. What she didn't know, and what the agency didn't realize is that the assignment was for a company that she worked with for several years in Forney. This company she got an assignment for is a branch of that previous company with a position open where she is now living in Tyler! I'm hoping this "strange coincidence" means that she may be able to stay on long term.

3) I GET TO GO TO CAMP!!! My husband emailed his boss asking again about the week of camp, and with several others on his crew already asking off that week, and with his seniority, I wasn't expecting much. But he just got it approved!!

God is awesome!! After hearing all of this yesterday, I have no other way to describe it, I just felt loved. I felt like He was giving me a big hug. :)

Now, I just need to raise the rest of money for the child in need. I have a name now for a child in need that I can pray for specifically and give the money too. I just need $134 to provide a way for her to camp.

Verse to ponder: Psalm 37:4 (NKJV) Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Strange Day

Saturday was a strange day.

My husband and I went to his aunt's funeral. The service was lovely and there were over a hundred people there. We went to the graveside and finally saw his aunt's new baby afterward. We drove straight from there to my son's birthday party. The party was simple, and not many attended, but he told me this morning that he had a great time. After that we headed straight to a Young Life leader BBQ and talked about our roles in transforming the lives of teens in the Allen area.

It just felt weird, the range of emotions of this day were exhausting. We mourned a death, celebrated a birth and came together to change lives of Allen youth. I am still trying to find a way to go to camp, they spoke about it in front of everyone at the BBQ, that they needed me and wanted everyone to pray for a way for me to go. At the funeral we found out that Dusty's cousin got good news from the hospital. He's still in a coma, but after tests, they have found that there is no pressure or damage (that they can find at while he's unconscious) to his brain that should keep him from waking. They expect him to wake up any day, then they will see what if any brain damage he has. His family went to his graduation Friday night in his place and they were telling us about how supportive everyone was and that even though he was absent, they still called his name and took time to honor him.

The pastor at the funeral recited a poem that I liked...

GOD IS NEVER BEYOND OUR REACH by Helen Steiner Rice

No one ever sought the Father
And found He was not there
And no burden is too heavy
To be lightened by a prayer,
No problem is too intricate
And no sorrow that we face
Is too deep and devastating
To be softened by His grace,
No trials and tribulations
Are beyond what we can bear
If we share them with Our Father
As we talk to Him in prayer -
And men of every color,
Every race and every creed
Have but to seek the Father
In their deepest hour of need-
God asks for no credentials,
He accepts us with our flaws,
He is kind and understanding
And He welcomes us because
We are His erring children
And He loves us everyone,
And He freely and completely
Forgives all that we have done,
Asking only if we're ready
To follow where He leads -
Content that in His wisdom
He will answer all our needs.

Verse to Ponder: Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message) "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."