Monday, August 31, 2009
"The Mountain" Part 2 (read posts below first, then above)
I probably twisted my ankles or slid or stumbled about every ten feet because of the steepness of the mountainside paired with the loose rocks and dirt (and my obvious lack of mountain climbing shoes! HA!). If I had it my way I would have done anything to get down quickly because I was hungry, dirty, tired and really needed to pee! But two of our girls were ‘in tow’. One didn’t make it to the top, but made it farther than she ever imagined (because of her physical limitations) and was waiting for us a bit further down. The other was the one who cried out of embarrassment the way up. I walked and talked with her first and last. We hiked down until we reached the girl waiting, the first girl went on, I stayed the slower pace with this one now. I prayed every two seconds while talking with this girl (for several reasons). I held her hand or her shoulders, at times she leaned on me for support when she had pain or was tired or hot. I caught her several times when she stumbled and nearly fell.
I was honored! I kept feeling like, it wasn’t me!! I was experiencing what it was like to be the hands and feet of Jesus. He gave me the words to say, even scripture! At one point I bent down, with no motive or plan, surprisingly to me, and got a handful of cold water out of a mountain stream to put on this girl’s face and neck. I almost started crying!! God was pouring over me supernatural love for this girl. He was showing me what Jesus would have done for her, for me - and was acting through me to do it. I get goosebumps just thinking about it! I was honored and humbled and in awe at what these moments meant, and who was really directing and orchestrating them – it was too much!! We got down to the half-way point and the other girl was waiting. I left this one with the CAT (golf cart-ish thingy) to take her the rest of the way down. Now I continued my slow pace with this other girl. It was just me and her now, and she apologized for crying on the way up the mountain and explained why she was so embarrassed. She said she didn’t want her peers to see her, sick, tired and unable to stay with the group, making her the last one up. She went on to say that prayed for strength, and knew what faith was at one time, but had lost assurance and at times had doubts.
God gave me the words again!! I told her she should be proud she was last, because in that, she was actually first. It’s easy for some, yes. Just like in life, but that’s not how faith is grown. Faith is believing - moving through around, among, over and into situations that are difficult and sometimes seem impossible – because you know who is in control. Relying on Him in those trying times, learning through those times to lean on Him for everything, is just like the mountain we climbed. In life you can take the easy route, or make decisions that would ultimately make your life (here) easier, or just plain give up, but that’s not faith. I told her what she did on that mountain was inspiring and surprising even to her, and should couldn’t have done it without the drive, the support, the faith to see her through. I told her to not look at her experience as negative, because out of all the kids on that mountain, she wasn’t last, her experience caused her to learn and grow, just like her faith in the ‘real world’ and for that, she is in first place. She said she’d never thought of that way, and now she was proud.
God gave me the words again!! I told her she should be proud she was last, because in that, she was actually first. It’s easy for some, yes. Just like in life, but that’s not how faith is grown. Faith is believing - moving through around, among, over and into situations that are difficult and sometimes seem impossible – because you know who is in control. Relying on Him in those trying times, learning through those times to lean on Him for everything, is just like the mountain we climbed. In life you can take the easy route, or make decisions that would ultimately make your life (here) easier, or just plain give up, but that’s not faith. I told her what she did on that mountain was inspiring and surprising even to her, and should couldn’t have done it without the drive, the support, the faith to see her through. I told her to not look at her experience as negative, because out of all the kids on that mountain, she wasn’t last, her experience caused her to learn and grow, just like her faith in the ‘real world’ and for that, she is in first place. She said she’d never thought of that way, and now she was proud.
I was the last person down that mountain that day, the last on the last bus back to camp. God spoke to me and refreshed me and revived me and taught me about faith and having a servant’s heart. I was uncomfortable being met with applause at the end, because to me it wasn't something worthy of praise. It wasn't about me. It was about letting go, and being empty of myself to be used by Him. What I was happy and thankful and honored for was that I was chosen, given the opportunity to be a vessel, making that trek, up and down, humbled and amazed at every turn as we climbed, just me, that small few and God.
"The Mountain" Part 1 (read posts below first, then above)
The next day I found out that Zach was going to be ok. (HUGE relief!) So...on to climb a 14k mountain! Hardest thing I've ever done, hands down.
We had those in our cabin that griped about getting up early, griped about going, griped, griped, cried and threatened to go back. We also had those with serious physical limitations, and a couple who had come down with strep (diagnosed) at the half-way point on the mountain climb. There are 'head leaders' and doctors and staff prepared to 'take over' with these kids to get them up and down the mountain so I can stay with my other leader and the rest of the group. I could have, that would have been the easy, and expected (planned for) way out. But God told me NO WAY. Through the next several hours He helped me encourage, and at times, literally carry these kids up the mountain. He was my hands as I dried tears, he was my voice when I stopped to pray with them when they were sure they couldn't go any more, He was our strength when even I thought it was a lost cause and we should go back. We were 100 yards from the top (also the steepest part of the climb) when our small group had had it. One girl turned from the group and began crying at how embarrassed she was to be the last up, and was NOT going all the way. It took 20 minutes and all of us supporting her, but she and the rest made it to the top.
I can’t put into words what was on the top of that mountain. (I’ll try.) There were 360 views of breathtaking mountain peaks as far as you could see. There wasn’t one spot where you could see beyond them. It felt like you could reach up and touch the billowy clouds spotted amongst the sunshine. You looked down the other side of the mountain, a place certainly untouched by man because of it’s location and see fresh water pools and streams and valleys of green beneath the treacherous and ragged walls of the mountains surrounding them. It was in the high 80s (we were sweating) and we could walk to the snow peaks and hold snowballs. There were kids and leaders spread out on rocks, almost 500 bodies in a surreal quiet taking pictures, hugging, praying, crying. The sense of accomplishment, I think, was even sweeter for us ‘band of misfits’ that held the end line. As I looked to those girls who had only shown their ‘darkness’, their bitterness – the ones who rolled their eyes, made snide remarks or flat out refused to join us, but were coerced (forced :>) to, they had grins as big as their faces and tears they couldn’t stop. Our area director stood amongst everyone and saw what these kids accomplished and his heart seemed to burst! He cried and hugged us leaders and told us how much he loved us. It was truly a moment I’ll never forget. I bonded with girls on the way up, the way down was just another kind of awesome....
We had those in our cabin that griped about getting up early, griped about going, griped, griped, cried and threatened to go back. We also had those with serious physical limitations, and a couple who had come down with strep (diagnosed) at the half-way point on the mountain climb. There are 'head leaders' and doctors and staff prepared to 'take over' with these kids to get them up and down the mountain so I can stay with my other leader and the rest of the group. I could have, that would have been the easy, and expected (planned for) way out. But God told me NO WAY. Through the next several hours He helped me encourage, and at times, literally carry these kids up the mountain. He was my hands as I dried tears, he was my voice when I stopped to pray with them when they were sure they couldn't go any more, He was our strength when even I thought it was a lost cause and we should go back. We were 100 yards from the top (also the steepest part of the climb) when our small group had had it. One girl turned from the group and began crying at how embarrassed she was to be the last up, and was NOT going all the way. It took 20 minutes and all of us supporting her, but she and the rest made it to the top.
I can’t put into words what was on the top of that mountain. (I’ll try.) There were 360 views of breathtaking mountain peaks as far as you could see. There wasn’t one spot where you could see beyond them. It felt like you could reach up and touch the billowy clouds spotted amongst the sunshine. You looked down the other side of the mountain, a place certainly untouched by man because of it’s location and see fresh water pools and streams and valleys of green beneath the treacherous and ragged walls of the mountains surrounding them. It was in the high 80s (we were sweating) and we could walk to the snow peaks and hold snowballs. There were kids and leaders spread out on rocks, almost 500 bodies in a surreal quiet taking pictures, hugging, praying, crying. The sense of accomplishment, I think, was even sweeter for us ‘band of misfits’ that held the end line. As I looked to those girls who had only shown their ‘darkness’, their bitterness – the ones who rolled their eyes, made snide remarks or flat out refused to join us, but were coerced (forced :>) to, they had grins as big as their faces and tears they couldn’t stop. Our area director stood amongst everyone and saw what these kids accomplished and his heart seemed to burst! He cried and hugged us leaders and told us how much he loved us. It was truly a moment I’ll never forget. I bonded with girls on the way up, the way down was just another kind of awesome....
Read Post Below This One First...then the one above next!
Before I left for camp I was in "game mode". I knew the work that had to be done that week and I prepped for it, knew the seriousness of it and was ready to 'go to battle' so-to-speak. I knew in my cabin there were mostly girls I knew of - but few I actually knew. I knew our cabin was full of a mix of girls, unlike the other cabins that seemed to be tidy and neatly arranged. I knew that several of our girls were the 'Debby downer' type, or were 'lost' in big ways. I worried about the diversity of the girls and if I could handle the tension, or the possible distractions of the seemingly volatile mix. I was afraid I couldn't. I didn't know if anyone would be reached, partly because I felt inadequate, mostly because I was lacking faith that it would work its way out for His glory.
The first couple days are intensely packed with activities and leave an old gal like myself exhausted. In cabin time after 'club' (music, skits, speaker) those first couple of nights, we allow the girls to share and question and just get honest without our real input. I felt like I was struggling to connect and felt lost amongst the group. Soon I would find out that the other leader in the cabin felt the same way. I got scared. I tried to put on a not scared face for my other leader, for the girls, but I didn't know where this week was going and I felt frustrated that I didn't have control of it.
That afternoon I found out that my son was in a hospital in Houston, without his parents, and we were told he was afraid and anxious as the doctor's tried to find out what was causing such an adverse reaction (snake bite?) in him. I didn't understand it!! Why was I even there? I should be with my son! I couldn't leave, but I had checked out mentally. That night in our leader meeting we got on the floor in the dark and listened to a song play while we thought and prayed for these campers. I had cried most of the afternoon and just laid there in the floor thinking and praying:
God if I'm going to do this, I can't. I have to stop trying. It HAS to be all you. When these kids see me - walking, talking, joining them in activities, I want them to see only You. Fill me with your words, your motives, your heart. Empty me of 'me'.
I pictured myself sitting down at a table, but when the kid sitting next to me looked over, it wasn't me - it was Jesus. I begged Him to help me release my control, and for Him to take over because I was failing miserably on my own. It's like I didn't even realize until that point how much I was getting in the way.
(read the post above for "The Mountain")
First Committee Meeting of 09-10
I got to be part of my area committee (for YL) meeting last night. Well, it was supposed to be a meeting. We had put together an agenda, I was supposed to take notes...we were going to kick it off by having a couple leaders and a couple students quickly talk about camp to our committee.
2 hours later....
Every one of the leaders there spoke, an adult guest who went with us and three students who all talked about changes in their lives that were at points, beyond words, leaving only the grateful and humbled tears to speak as they streamed down their smiling faces.
I had no intention to speak, afterall, on Tues. of that week I found out my son was hooked up to IVs, anxious and without his parents at our church's children's camp. On Thursday I was quarantined with 30 others with suspected swine flu/pnemonia and strep. But as I sat there, I felt the urge, the prodding of God to speak. He revealed to me things I hadn't even thought all the way through about that week. I sat there shaking, my 'flesh' desperately not wanting to share, but my heart being begged into action.
So I spoke, or rather I prayed before we reached the 'pause' that preluded my words that my anxiety would cease and that my words, well...wouldn't be my words, because not only did I not know what to say, but had I thought too much about it, I know I would have fumbled, or been distracted or been distract-ing.
I don't remember exactly what I said, because again, they weren't my words, but the message on my heart that prompted me was this....(read post above)
2 hours later....
Every one of the leaders there spoke, an adult guest who went with us and three students who all talked about changes in their lives that were at points, beyond words, leaving only the grateful and humbled tears to speak as they streamed down their smiling faces.
I had no intention to speak, afterall, on Tues. of that week I found out my son was hooked up to IVs, anxious and without his parents at our church's children's camp. On Thursday I was quarantined with 30 others with suspected swine flu/pnemonia and strep. But as I sat there, I felt the urge, the prodding of God to speak. He revealed to me things I hadn't even thought all the way through about that week. I sat there shaking, my 'flesh' desperately not wanting to share, but my heart being begged into action.
So I spoke, or rather I prayed before we reached the 'pause' that preluded my words that my anxiety would cease and that my words, well...wouldn't be my words, because not only did I not know what to say, but had I thought too much about it, I know I would have fumbled, or been distracted or been distract-ing.
I don't remember exactly what I said, because again, they weren't my words, but the message on my heart that prompted me was this....(read post above)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Take a breather...
Have you ever just stopped? Not just to smell the roses or because you are forced to at the endless stream of red-lights or mid-afternoon traffic (sometimes I think I could just walk faster). But really ...
STOPPED.
Last night as I was practicing for my solo this weekend at church, thinking about the million things I have to do between now and then wondering how I would ever get it all done. Contemplating why I even signed up to sing, or volunteer, or work, or be a coach, team manager, room parent, etc. I became so overwhelmed by all the things I had to do; that I had to manage. I never have enough time to just "BE" with my kids - I'm missing out and they are growing up SO fast. And lately I've been 'worried' about my mortality. I'm not getting any younger!! And there's nuke threats from N. Korea, 2012 doomsday - if you buy into all that, my husband's job strike still looming, the fact that we are over budget every month, big business going bankrupt, global warming...whatever.
And I was tired.
I just sat on the edge of the tub listening to the rehearsal track through my iphone on it's dock and closed my eyes. "God, help me. Make these things I do be about you. Remove me from them, take control of me, use me, fill me, guide me. Remove my anxiety about everything else."
As I sat with my eyes closed listening to the song, I began to feel this surreal feeling. I just sat there for quite some time, listening to my breathing, feeling the blood pump through my arms, feeling as though I was surrounded. I was being touched on all sides, I was being held. I began to cry and was afraid to move. Yes, I had my to-do's and worry lists on loop in my head, but for those few moments I was quiet, I was still. God felt almost tangible, and I was overwhelmed by awe and love. It was such a surprise to have such an experience - and in my dirty bathroom of all places! I was paying attention for the first time in quite some time and realizing that He was there, swirling, consuming, breathing - all around me. I imagined that his angels took presence in my bathroom and filled all available space. I realized that it's like this all the time, but because I make myself so busy, I fail to notice. Because I continually try to take control, I am making their job difficult.
I know I am blessed. I have two amazing beautiful healthy children. I have a husband who adores me, a big house, a weekend boat, friends, family, a job. All the things of this world I could ask for. I try to make everything I am involved with be about Him - worship ministry, Young Life, etc. But sometimes I get "too big for my britches" and lose sight of what's really important. I'm so busy doing things about Him, I forget to be connected with Him, to praise Him, to be in communion with Him. And that defeats the purpose all together.
Thank you God for showing me what it means to just STOP.
Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
STOPPED.
Last night as I was practicing for my solo this weekend at church, thinking about the million things I have to do between now and then wondering how I would ever get it all done. Contemplating why I even signed up to sing, or volunteer, or work, or be a coach, team manager, room parent, etc. I became so overwhelmed by all the things I had to do; that I had to manage. I never have enough time to just "BE" with my kids - I'm missing out and they are growing up SO fast. And lately I've been 'worried' about my mortality. I'm not getting any younger!! And there's nuke threats from N. Korea, 2012 doomsday - if you buy into all that, my husband's job strike still looming, the fact that we are over budget every month, big business going bankrupt, global warming...whatever.
And I was tired.
I just sat on the edge of the tub listening to the rehearsal track through my iphone on it's dock and closed my eyes. "God, help me. Make these things I do be about you. Remove me from them, take control of me, use me, fill me, guide me. Remove my anxiety about everything else."
As I sat with my eyes closed listening to the song, I began to feel this surreal feeling. I just sat there for quite some time, listening to my breathing, feeling the blood pump through my arms, feeling as though I was surrounded. I was being touched on all sides, I was being held. I began to cry and was afraid to move. Yes, I had my to-do's and worry lists on loop in my head, but for those few moments I was quiet, I was still. God felt almost tangible, and I was overwhelmed by awe and love. It was such a surprise to have such an experience - and in my dirty bathroom of all places! I was paying attention for the first time in quite some time and realizing that He was there, swirling, consuming, breathing - all around me. I imagined that his angels took presence in my bathroom and filled all available space. I realized that it's like this all the time, but because I make myself so busy, I fail to notice. Because I continually try to take control, I am making their job difficult.
I know I am blessed. I have two amazing beautiful healthy children. I have a husband who adores me, a big house, a weekend boat, friends, family, a job. All the things of this world I could ask for. I try to make everything I am involved with be about Him - worship ministry, Young Life, etc. But sometimes I get "too big for my britches" and lose sight of what's really important. I'm so busy doing things about Him, I forget to be connected with Him, to praise Him, to be in communion with Him. And that defeats the purpose all together.
Thank you God for showing me what it means to just STOP.
Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Monday, January 19, 2009
View from Her Perspective
It's been forever since I've written, I know. Just processing things and couldn't bring myself to write about them, part of me not wanting to deal with them, I guess. But I'll try to write more, starting now...
My daughter got a fisher price digital camera for Christmas, and although the pic quality isn't all that great, I was surprised at how much the pics she took told a story from her perspective, and they were very abstract and artsy too. Check 'em...
She's just amazing...just to think of her little mind and her little eyes as she explored her little world through the view finder of a little toy camera...makes me smile! :)
My daughter got a fisher price digital camera for Christmas, and although the pic quality isn't all that great, I was surprised at how much the pics she took told a story from her perspective, and they were very abstract and artsy too. Check 'em...
She's just amazing...just to think of her little mind and her little eyes as she explored her little world through the view finder of a little toy camera...makes me smile! :)
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