so I have bad luck with phones. Two phones ago I forgot it in my back pocket and didn't recall my error until the second cycle of the wash. The last phone I owned I believe had emotional issues. It would set off alarms at random times that I couldn't turn off and that weren't programed. It would tell me over and over that I had voicemail when in fact I didn't. And then the back just broke. It would turn itself off and on again and again because the battery no longer fit properly. So I taped it shut. With yellow and black caution tape! But regardless of the teasing I received from friends, family and coworkers, it did, on most occasions, do what I asked. And after all I never used all those other needless and frivilous programs of other phones. I just needed to send and receive calls. That's it. Or so I thought.
Until my husband surprised me with this new iPhone as part of my anniversary gift. He called me before I left to take my daughter to gymnastics on Tuesday and asked what we were eating for dinner. I told him I would call him after I left because I was running late. For the next hour I tried to use my phone but couldn't. It wouldn't let me dial out (something it had done in the past), and turning it off and on and plugging it in (my usual tricks) didn't work. I just knew my husband would be worrried not knowing where I was. I got home and told him about my frustration and he said he would look at it. He picked up the home phone to dial my number and I heard ringing from beside the sink! It was my new phone!
Now I as I type this-on the new phone- I don't know how I ever lived without it. It is genious!
So you know I always over think things, but we are going skiing for our anniversary on Thanksgiving to Keystone. Although I am super excited I can't help but be anxious to be away from my kids that long, and they will be on the road to and from Austin during the busy holiday traffic and I will be on two planes to and from CO. I haven't flown since 9-11. I just keep praying that we will all enjoy our trips and will return safely. But I am still nervous. I can't imagine my life without my kids and I would hate for them to have to live without us. So please pray for our safe travels.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Restoration
Choose "Beautiful" from the music list to the left, then continue reading...
This is what it means to be restored. Granted, I am still a work in progress, but I know sitting here now in this moment that I am what He promised I would be.
I guess I didn't understand just how screwed up I really was. Up until as recent as a few months ago, I still felt damaged. I felt like I wasn't able to be fixed. Even though I had grown up, gotten past a lot, I still felt the all consuming anger of rage, frustration, guilt of not being able to, or not wanting to forgive and just what that meant. I felt trapped by these thoughts of doubt, fear and anger keeping myself in a perpetual state of 'victim', even though being labeled that made me angry in itself. I could remember like it was yesterday begging God to take me home, and feeling completely hopeless to the point of justifying my acts of attempted suicide, self medication and self inflicted injury. I remember wanting to die all over again when I lost the child. I blamed myself. I never knew, but had I not tried so hard to end my life, I wouldn't have ended my child's in the process. I was unforgivable. I remember not being able to trust to the point of not letting ANYONE close. Judging people before I met them, that they too would find a way to use, manipulate and hurt me. I remember thinking all I ever saw anywhere and anytime was pain and anguish and because of that, I didn't think anything was worth it. I remember hiding away in my room, finding ways to isolate, to disconnect, to hide because I was broken and didn't have anything left to give, and what ever I did have left I was just certain would be taken from me again, used selfishly and then thrown back in my face as I would surely be mocked and betrayed again and again and again. If not, if they really knew me, they'd be disappointed or even disgusted as so many had been, or I at least thought they had been.
I remember begging God for reasons, blaming him, with fists in rage for all that I had gone through. I remember thinking surely I had disappointed everyone I had ever known, even my children and my husband because I was so destroyed that I couldn't possibly be worth anything to them either, and in fact was probably messing them up too. I remember feeling like a burden. I remember feeling like I could never forgive myself.
I sit here now, in tears. But these are fresh ones. These are tears of resolve, of joy, of the newness that has come through the ongoing restoration given me by the One that promised He would. I have been picked up, dusted off, cleaned up and polished. I have been cradled, tears wiped from my face, lifted up and set free. I have been understood, accepted, cherished and refreshed. The blinders have been taken off; the evil-filled glasses I once wore, removed. I am no longer damaged, because my King has already taken all that on for me. He cries with me, he carries me when I've given up and opted for my space in the dark quiet floor in the corners of my isolation. I AM FORGIVEN. He is my redeemer; He has started me fresh. He has accepted my flaws, my fears, my rage, my anger, my mistakes, my mistrust, my selfishness, my doubt, my guilt, all of what I mistakenly thought was my identity and loved me in a way I could never imagine. Because of this He has brought out my hope, my peace, my trust, my forgiveness, my will, my freedom, my confidence, my sweet celebration of all things that are worth living for, everything that he died for, and made me beautiful and new.
I watched this past weekend as teens in YL told their testimonies at our Banquet. I saw in so many faces and heard in so many voices exactly what I had felt for so, so, so long. And it clicked. I wasn't ever alone, I just chose to sink down into myself even though he was there fighting for me, waiting for me, crying for me to draw close to him, to return to him. And now, I have and I'm beginning again on the other side. I know it will take the rest of my life to really feel like all of this is behind me, but I'm so thankful for that, so grateful, because during that process I can only know him more, fall in love with him more and share everyday with everyone what He's done for me.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 18:1-6, 16-20, 28-30, 46-49 (NIV) I love you, O LORD, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
This is what it means to be restored. Granted, I am still a work in progress, but I know sitting here now in this moment that I am what He promised I would be.
I guess I didn't understand just how screwed up I really was. Up until as recent as a few months ago, I still felt damaged. I felt like I wasn't able to be fixed. Even though I had grown up, gotten past a lot, I still felt the all consuming anger of rage, frustration, guilt of not being able to, or not wanting to forgive and just what that meant. I felt trapped by these thoughts of doubt, fear and anger keeping myself in a perpetual state of 'victim', even though being labeled that made me angry in itself. I could remember like it was yesterday begging God to take me home, and feeling completely hopeless to the point of justifying my acts of attempted suicide, self medication and self inflicted injury. I remember wanting to die all over again when I lost the child. I blamed myself. I never knew, but had I not tried so hard to end my life, I wouldn't have ended my child's in the process. I was unforgivable. I remember not being able to trust to the point of not letting ANYONE close. Judging people before I met them, that they too would find a way to use, manipulate and hurt me. I remember thinking all I ever saw anywhere and anytime was pain and anguish and because of that, I didn't think anything was worth it. I remember hiding away in my room, finding ways to isolate, to disconnect, to hide because I was broken and didn't have anything left to give, and what ever I did have left I was just certain would be taken from me again, used selfishly and then thrown back in my face as I would surely be mocked and betrayed again and again and again. If not, if they really knew me, they'd be disappointed or even disgusted as so many had been, or I at least thought they had been.
I remember begging God for reasons, blaming him, with fists in rage for all that I had gone through. I remember thinking surely I had disappointed everyone I had ever known, even my children and my husband because I was so destroyed that I couldn't possibly be worth anything to them either, and in fact was probably messing them up too. I remember feeling like a burden. I remember feeling like I could never forgive myself.
I sit here now, in tears. But these are fresh ones. These are tears of resolve, of joy, of the newness that has come through the ongoing restoration given me by the One that promised He would. I have been picked up, dusted off, cleaned up and polished. I have been cradled, tears wiped from my face, lifted up and set free. I have been understood, accepted, cherished and refreshed. The blinders have been taken off; the evil-filled glasses I once wore, removed. I am no longer damaged, because my King has already taken all that on for me. He cries with me, he carries me when I've given up and opted for my space in the dark quiet floor in the corners of my isolation. I AM FORGIVEN. He is my redeemer; He has started me fresh. He has accepted my flaws, my fears, my rage, my anger, my mistakes, my mistrust, my selfishness, my doubt, my guilt, all of what I mistakenly thought was my identity and loved me in a way I could never imagine. Because of this He has brought out my hope, my peace, my trust, my forgiveness, my will, my freedom, my confidence, my sweet celebration of all things that are worth living for, everything that he died for, and made me beautiful and new.
I watched this past weekend as teens in YL told their testimonies at our Banquet. I saw in so many faces and heard in so many voices exactly what I had felt for so, so, so long. And it clicked. I wasn't ever alone, I just chose to sink down into myself even though he was there fighting for me, waiting for me, crying for me to draw close to him, to return to him. And now, I have and I'm beginning again on the other side. I know it will take the rest of my life to really feel like all of this is behind me, but I'm so thankful for that, so grateful, because during that process I can only know him more, fall in love with him more and share everyday with everyone what He's done for me.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 18:1-6, 16-20, 28-30, 46-49 (NIV) I love you, O LORD, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies. You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; I will sing praises to your name.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Note from David Letterman
Yeah, so I have no idea the validity of this, but regardless of who wrote it, it's good.
Written by David Letterman:
" As most of you know I am not a fan of President Bush, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.' The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President.
In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?''
A. Is it that we have electricity and runningwater 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?
B. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
C. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
D. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at anytime and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
E. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
F. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
G. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.
H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
I. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.
J. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use topnotch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family,and your belongings.
K. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or a prowler intrudes, and an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
L. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
M. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks so unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name inthe book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorists attacks? The Commander-in-Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?
Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or on a talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behinds every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go, then end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an "other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable" discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percentof Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells,and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murder like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way....Insane!
Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your birdcage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Written by David Letterman:
" As most of you know I am not a fan of President Bush, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.' The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President.
In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?''
A. Is it that we have electricity and runningwater 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?
B. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
C. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
D. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at anytime and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
E. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
F. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
G. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.
H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
I. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.
J. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use topnotch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family,and your belongings.
K. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or a prowler intrudes, and an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
L. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
M. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks so unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name inthe book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorists attacks? The Commander-in-Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?
Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or on a talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behinds every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go, then end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an "other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable" discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percentof Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells,and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murder like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way....Insane!
Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your birdcage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Monday, November 3, 2008
Funk-ed-ness
I've been in a funk the last week or so. I'm not really sure why, I don't think I'm stressed, I haven't thought about you-know-who that much, the weather's been great...idk (i don't know). My sister says that I usually function better when I'm stressed. So maybe I'm in a funk because I'm not stressed - HA!!
Some cool stuff's been goin' on too...My daughter's 6th birthday party was the 25th. It was perfectly princess. She had a great time and was so so precious. Here's some pics...(yes, I'm finally putting pics of the kids, I've been trying to stay anonymous because of the net, but here you go anyway.)
Also, Halloween was fun. We went to our YL directors house for soup (it was YUMMY) and walked our entire block until the kids couldn't carry their bags anymore because of so much candy. They were Jasmine and Batman the Dark Knight.
Oh and YL Halloween Club was AMAZING!! It was SO funny!! There was a live mouse involved...I dressed up as a 'black eyed p'. Here's some pics from that too...
Happy Election Tomorrow!!!
Some cool stuff's been goin' on too...My daughter's 6th birthday party was the 25th. It was perfectly princess. She had a great time and was so so precious. Here's some pics...(yes, I'm finally putting pics of the kids, I've been trying to stay anonymous because of the net, but here you go anyway.)
Also, Halloween was fun. We went to our YL directors house for soup (it was YUMMY) and walked our entire block until the kids couldn't carry their bags anymore because of so much candy. They were Jasmine and Batman the Dark Knight.
Oh and YL Halloween Club was AMAZING!! It was SO funny!! There was a live mouse involved...I dressed up as a 'black eyed p'. Here's some pics from that too...
Happy Election Tomorrow!!!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Do you Know Him??
One of the kids from YL sent this to me today.
Here's the message attached to the video: Visuals set to the audio of the famous sermon "Seven Way King" (aka That's My King) as spoken by Dr. S.M. Lockridge. The audio is slightly edited for a better flow in the video. The music in the background was performed live by the GCC band while the video played on the screens. ...
Here's the message the student wrote: "one of the most moving things ive ever heard. just realize what a great god we serve. how much we are blessed. how lucky we are to have the life we live. how loved we are. how powerful our merciful, yet just god is. just take a step back and realize..."
I just don't have anything else to say. Watch the whole thing...
Here's the message attached to the video: Visuals set to the audio of the famous sermon "Seven Way King" (aka That's My King) as spoken by Dr. S.M. Lockridge. The audio is slightly edited for a better flow in the video. The music in the background was performed live by the GCC band while the video played on the screens. ...
Here's the message the student wrote: "one of the most moving things ive ever heard. just realize what a great god we serve. how much we are blessed. how lucky we are to have the life we live. how loved we are. how powerful our merciful, yet just god is. just take a step back and realize..."
I just don't have anything else to say. Watch the whole thing...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Rear-ended, bumpy foot, brainfarts and late night evangelism
So it's been a weird couple of weeks, busy wouldn't begin to describe it. I don't feel like I'm stressed out, because the only pressure on myself is from me, but I honestly feel like too much is going in too quickly and my brain can't contain it all. I have been forgetting things right and left...even words!! uh, yeah..."that thing, that thing you sit in...you know...uggg!" "Chair?" "Yes! Chair, that's it!" And of course it all starts falling out of my ear at about 2am when I wake up in a cold sweat, sit straight up and scream, "applesauce!" because I forgot to get it at the store. K, maybe stressed would be a good word to use. :) With YL Banquet, taking on this new staff position, a concert event I've been planning, plus club and helping leaders and committee, plus bible study, soccer (x5/wk), gymnastics, church, MOPS, volunteering at the school (x2/wk), kid's choir, plus my husband is usually MIA because of work...it's just a lot.
My daughter's bday is this weekend too, and I feel like I'm forgetting to do something big, but I can't put my finger on it. But as long as there is cake she'll be...OH CRAP, CAKE!!!!!
Ha. just kidding.
But poor thing stepped in an ant-bed last week at school and because she's so allergic, she had to miss two days of school. It's so much better now, but her foot looks like she's had the measles. :(
Well, and then on Sunday nite coming back from kid's choir we got rear-ended. Guy just drove up underneath my car. I just got a scratched up bumper with his paint smeared everywhere, but bless his heart he came out of it with a crushed hood, smashed grill and passenger door that wouldn't open. I think it was a brand new infiniti too. Bummer of a way to squash $50k. Hopefully the insurance will all work out without anything going wrong.
But my stress and the events of this past week, plus my father in law is back in the hospital for his colon, my son asked me the other day why all of this was happening, and he gave me his thoughts on it.
The other night I just couldn't sleep so I stayed up surfing the boob tube and found this guy, Joel Osteen. I was hooked, but I'm assuming at 3am an infomercial for one of those boob-enlarging creams would have kept my focus just as much. But God didn't stall me on the boob cream channel, but this one and the message was great. It spoke about how we can sometimes feel that we are limited by things that have happened to us, or maybe even things we were born with. We think of them as liabilities, but when we give them to God, they can become assets.
I know in my life I can look at all that may be tumbling around me at any given time and say, "I can't." because of what I'm dealing with. But I know that He can restore and use anything for His glory.
So, I'm going to take my flatulent brain, my daughters beautiful bumpy foot and get in my scratched and dented car and do what I know He wants me too, whatever that may be. And the conversations with my son about topics like these always gives me more than I came to the table with. I know sometimes with the way my mind works I start to think stuff like this happens because of what I've done...or haven't done. But my son, in his wise age of 9 helped me to remember that God is trying to train us, trying to get us ready to use us and we shouldn't be scared about bad things happening. He's right.
Verse to ponder: John 9:3 - "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
My daughter's bday is this weekend too, and I feel like I'm forgetting to do something big, but I can't put my finger on it. But as long as there is cake she'll be...OH CRAP, CAKE!!!!!
Ha. just kidding.
But poor thing stepped in an ant-bed last week at school and because she's so allergic, she had to miss two days of school. It's so much better now, but her foot looks like she's had the measles. :(
Well, and then on Sunday nite coming back from kid's choir we got rear-ended. Guy just drove up underneath my car. I just got a scratched up bumper with his paint smeared everywhere, but bless his heart he came out of it with a crushed hood, smashed grill and passenger door that wouldn't open. I think it was a brand new infiniti too. Bummer of a way to squash $50k. Hopefully the insurance will all work out without anything going wrong.
But my stress and the events of this past week, plus my father in law is back in the hospital for his colon, my son asked me the other day why all of this was happening, and he gave me his thoughts on it.
The other night I just couldn't sleep so I stayed up surfing the boob tube and found this guy, Joel Osteen. I was hooked, but I'm assuming at 3am an infomercial for one of those boob-enlarging creams would have kept my focus just as much. But God didn't stall me on the boob cream channel, but this one and the message was great. It spoke about how we can sometimes feel that we are limited by things that have happened to us, or maybe even things we were born with. We think of them as liabilities, but when we give them to God, they can become assets.
I know in my life I can look at all that may be tumbling around me at any given time and say, "I can't." because of what I'm dealing with. But I know that He can restore and use anything for His glory.
So, I'm going to take my flatulent brain, my daughters beautiful bumpy foot and get in my scratched and dented car and do what I know He wants me too, whatever that may be. And the conversations with my son about topics like these always gives me more than I came to the table with. I know sometimes with the way my mind works I start to think stuff like this happens because of what I've done...or haven't done. But my son, in his wise age of 9 helped me to remember that God is trying to train us, trying to get us ready to use us and we shouldn't be scared about bad things happening. He's right.
Verse to ponder: John 9:3 - "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Gasoline and The Book of Mormon
So last week I was at the gas station. It wasn't my best of mornings, I'll admit, due to lack of make-up, no shower and wearing whatever covered me just to get in and out of the house quickly for this task. And wouldn't you know it, there I was trying to hide and the gas line chokes out a bubble spraying about $4 dollars all over my hand and shoes. As I assessed this stinky mess, one made worse by the wind now howling between the car stalls, I hear a voice from behind me and see a young man dressed in slacks, white shirt and black tie approaching me in the reflection of my car window.
"Excuse me ma'am, how are you today?"
"fine, great."
"Um, can I ask you a few questions...?"
Then he began asking me if what I believed, I never looked up, ashamed of what I must look - and smell - like at this point, so I began to wash my windows hoping he would just give up. I told him about the YL ministry I was involved in, and that I believed in the Bible as the Word of God. He said things like, "that's great...but as a good Christian, don't you feel that you should be studying all the gospels?" I responded with, "I try too, they are in the Bible." He handed me a pic of a the Book of Morman and told me that they were the missing books of the Bible from the Americas and that I should be studying them.
I was ashamed. Here I was trying to dodge this guy, but I didn't know enough about Mormonism to give him a hefty argument as to why I knew that the Bible was the infallible, only Word of God. I just took the card and he left.
I drove home feeling like a failure. God had asked me to speak the Truth and I was too wrapped up in my own discomfort and appearance to want to debate this man, and truthfully, I wouldn't have known what to say.
So I went home and did what I do best, I researched. I won't put what I found here, it's just too lengthy, maybe I'll break it up into different posts. But what I do know is what I believe, that we were born into sin because of the fall. (Ge 3:16-24; Ro 3:23; 5:12-15, 17-19; 8:19-22 Eph 2:1-5; 1Jn 3:4). That Jesus Christ defeated that sin, and defeated death giving us eternal life - should we choose it. There is only ONE God. He is not a man, and didn't 'learn' to become God. (Dt 33:27; Isa 43:10; 44:6; 45:5, 21; 46:9; Mal 3:6; 1Co 8:4; 1Ti 2:5; Rev 1:8; 21:6; 22:13). He does not have a wife. He is omnipotent, all powerful, the beginning and the end, and doesn't need 'intelligences' supporting Him. (Ge 17:1; Job 36:22-23; 42:2; Isa 14:26-27; 40:13-14; Jer 32:27; Mt 19:26; Lk 1:37; Ac 17:24-25; Rev 19:6). That's just some of it....
I will give the guy props though, if only I were brave enough to walk up to a complete stranger and ask about their beliefs. I do try to be open-minded about others beliefs and want to know more about each of them. I think it helps me to understand them and my own beliefs more clearly.
I do think it's one of my 'jobs' here during my short stay on this rock to tell others about Jesus, but I believe in sharing the gospel primarily through my example, and through those I meet and build relationships with. I am definitely not a bull-horn, standing on a crate proclaiming the damnation of the masses kind of Christian.
One good thing came out of all of this, I was able to see where I need work, and I learned a lot about Mormonism and its differences of what I believe as a Christian. Maybe that's what it was all about anyway.
Verse to Ponder: Isaiah 43:10 (NIV) "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me.
"Excuse me ma'am, how are you today?"
"fine, great."
"Um, can I ask you a few questions...?"
Then he began asking me if what I believed, I never looked up, ashamed of what I must look - and smell - like at this point, so I began to wash my windows hoping he would just give up. I told him about the YL ministry I was involved in, and that I believed in the Bible as the Word of God. He said things like, "that's great...but as a good Christian, don't you feel that you should be studying all the gospels?" I responded with, "I try too, they are in the Bible." He handed me a pic of a the Book of Morman and told me that they were the missing books of the Bible from the Americas and that I should be studying them.
I was ashamed. Here I was trying to dodge this guy, but I didn't know enough about Mormonism to give him a hefty argument as to why I knew that the Bible was the infallible, only Word of God. I just took the card and he left.
I drove home feeling like a failure. God had asked me to speak the Truth and I was too wrapped up in my own discomfort and appearance to want to debate this man, and truthfully, I wouldn't have known what to say.
So I went home and did what I do best, I researched. I won't put what I found here, it's just too lengthy, maybe I'll break it up into different posts. But what I do know is what I believe, that we were born into sin because of the fall. (Ge 3:16-24; Ro 3:23; 5:12-15, 17-19; 8:19-22 Eph 2:1-5; 1Jn 3:4). That Jesus Christ defeated that sin, and defeated death giving us eternal life - should we choose it. There is only ONE God. He is not a man, and didn't 'learn' to become God. (Dt 33:27; Isa 43:10; 44:6; 45:5, 21; 46:9; Mal 3:6; 1Co 8:4; 1Ti 2:5; Rev 1:8; 21:6; 22:13). He does not have a wife. He is omnipotent, all powerful, the beginning and the end, and doesn't need 'intelligences' supporting Him. (Ge 17:1; Job 36:22-23; 42:2; Isa 14:26-27; 40:13-14; Jer 32:27; Mt 19:26; Lk 1:37; Ac 17:24-25; Rev 19:6). That's just some of it....
I will give the guy props though, if only I were brave enough to walk up to a complete stranger and ask about their beliefs. I do try to be open-minded about others beliefs and want to know more about each of them. I think it helps me to understand them and my own beliefs more clearly.
I do think it's one of my 'jobs' here during my short stay on this rock to tell others about Jesus, but I believe in sharing the gospel primarily through my example, and through those I meet and build relationships with. I am definitely not a bull-horn, standing on a crate proclaiming the damnation of the masses kind of Christian.
One good thing came out of all of this, I was able to see where I need work, and I learned a lot about Mormonism and its differences of what I believe as a Christian. Maybe that's what it was all about anyway.
Verse to Ponder: Isaiah 43:10 (NIV) "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
FALLing up
So I LOVE fall. I love the mild weather, the colors on the trees, the smell of fireplaces being wakened for the first time in months. I love getting cozy under blankets and making hot chocolate. I love watching the kids dress up for halloween, and getting to go to football games. I love decorating the house in fall colors. I love seeing the kids in footed pajamas. I love wearing my husbands sweats. I love yummy thanksgiving meals and time with family. I love that this, the most stressful time of my year, schedule wise, is still my favorite.
I look at this season and revel in it's creation. There are so many things that tell me everyday there is a wonderful and very intelligent Creator. In YL, I've seen so many little freshman (seriously, some don't look a day older than my 9 year old) and other kids I've heard about with attitudes of "I don't know why I'm here", "I don't believe in anything" (agnostic), or those that are proud to be 'atheist'. It just confuses me! Our 'talk' at Club on Monday night was about creation. According to him, in one drop of blood there are 500 million cells. Did you know that that huge orange moon you saw in the recently, the Harvest Moon was designed to give those in harvest a brighter night, signaling the change in hours in the evening. Or what about the this tree I learned of while listening to the radio, it is in a part of the Amazon that is subject to frequent fires. It actually has leaves and branches that have a special coating. The tree won't grow unless a fire is there to burn off the coating!! Call it evolution, but if so, wouldn't it make more sence that there was a design behind that evolution? It seems to me that it would take more faith NOT to believe it were so.
This just gives me pause to look around me at everything and thank God for it. It helps me look beyond what I think I can control and know that He has planned every last minute detail in advance.
It so odd, still. I remember in HS I used to stay awake at night in tears begging, praying that God would take me. Now, I find myself, this many years later on the flip side of redemption, of restoration, a project no doubt he will be molding until I'm gone. But now, I find myself begging him to let me stay just a little longer. There's still so much I don't know, still so much I know I can do. I know what He has for me, or at least I can now see a glimpse of it, and I don't plan to waste any more time getting to it.
This fall I want to run and jump in the leaves and play and snuggle with my kids and connect and grow with the HS kids in my community. I want to show everyone who sees me just who created me, and them, and why no matter what they or I am going through, it has been carefully designed and will be ok, as long as we trust in Him and turn to Him no matter what.
Verse to Ponder: Revelation 4:11 "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."
I look at this season and revel in it's creation. There are so many things that tell me everyday there is a wonderful and very intelligent Creator. In YL, I've seen so many little freshman (seriously, some don't look a day older than my 9 year old) and other kids I've heard about with attitudes of "I don't know why I'm here", "I don't believe in anything" (agnostic), or those that are proud to be 'atheist'. It just confuses me! Our 'talk' at Club on Monday night was about creation. According to him, in one drop of blood there are 500 million cells. Did you know that that huge orange moon you saw in the recently, the Harvest Moon was designed to give those in harvest a brighter night, signaling the change in hours in the evening. Or what about the this tree I learned of while listening to the radio, it is in a part of the Amazon that is subject to frequent fires. It actually has leaves and branches that have a special coating. The tree won't grow unless a fire is there to burn off the coating!! Call it evolution, but if so, wouldn't it make more sence that there was a design behind that evolution? It seems to me that it would take more faith NOT to believe it were so.
This just gives me pause to look around me at everything and thank God for it. It helps me look beyond what I think I can control and know that He has planned every last minute detail in advance.
It so odd, still. I remember in HS I used to stay awake at night in tears begging, praying that God would take me. Now, I find myself, this many years later on the flip side of redemption, of restoration, a project no doubt he will be molding until I'm gone. But now, I find myself begging him to let me stay just a little longer. There's still so much I don't know, still so much I know I can do. I know what He has for me, or at least I can now see a glimpse of it, and I don't plan to waste any more time getting to it.
This fall I want to run and jump in the leaves and play and snuggle with my kids and connect and grow with the HS kids in my community. I want to show everyone who sees me just who created me, and them, and why no matter what they or I am going through, it has been carefully designed and will be ok, as long as we trust in Him and turn to Him no matter what.
Verse to Ponder: Revelation 4:11 "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."
Monday, October 6, 2008
As I'm gettin' older...
I was talking to an old friend the other day and he said, "you just need to tell your husband that you need a break, you should get a sitter and go out." You might ask what prompted his comment, but it wasn't me complaining or venting, it was him, wondering why every Friday or Saturday night he has called, that I'm washing dishes or playing barbies. When I told him I didn't have a sitter for those kinds of things, he suggested my husband watch the kiddos so I could 'get a break'. After we hung up though, I realized I didn't want a night away from my husband and kids and I started to wonder if something was wrong.
But I think things are just changing. My husband and I have grown SO much over the last ten years, and now we both like to just hang out at home, or go out together. Now I'm not saying I don't like to have girl time now and again, but I think of those moments as the icing on my life, not the filling. I don't need to 'get away'. I like private time, but I get that a lot since my husband works nights.
And the more I think about it, when I look at my kids, who have seemed to grow so quickly in the last few months, both physically and mentally, I don't know that I want to be looking for ways to get away from them. I mean, they are at school all day.
Time is just flying by these days, and now that I'm in YL, I see just how important hanging with my family really is. I see these kids, freshman (that honestly look like babies!!), just out of middle school talking about hating life, being proud of wanting to go to hell, 'gettin' with the ladies', etc. and I just know I only have a short time left with my kids. I'm not saying it's the parents fault entirely, but I know that it's my responsibility to raise my kids in the way they should go, and I don't want to have any (or at least very many) regrets.
And being with my husband the little time I am (he works A LOT) makes us stronger. We went to the movies this weekend with the kids, and we found ourselves smooching like teenagers (ok, maybe not like teenagers, maybe more the PG version-HA!) and this morning when he got home from work he pulled me close and I asked him why we were so happy, and he said what my daughter says when you ask her why she's so beautiful, "God made it that way."
So, for now, I'm more than content not going out and 'living it up' by myself. I honestly think I'm too old for that anymore anyway. :)
Oh, and here's a pic from my husband's surprise party last weekend...
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 15:30 (NIV) A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.
But I think things are just changing. My husband and I have grown SO much over the last ten years, and now we both like to just hang out at home, or go out together. Now I'm not saying I don't like to have girl time now and again, but I think of those moments as the icing on my life, not the filling. I don't need to 'get away'. I like private time, but I get that a lot since my husband works nights.
And the more I think about it, when I look at my kids, who have seemed to grow so quickly in the last few months, both physically and mentally, I don't know that I want to be looking for ways to get away from them. I mean, they are at school all day.
Time is just flying by these days, and now that I'm in YL, I see just how important hanging with my family really is. I see these kids, freshman (that honestly look like babies!!), just out of middle school talking about hating life, being proud of wanting to go to hell, 'gettin' with the ladies', etc. and I just know I only have a short time left with my kids. I'm not saying it's the parents fault entirely, but I know that it's my responsibility to raise my kids in the way they should go, and I don't want to have any (or at least very many) regrets.
And being with my husband the little time I am (he works A LOT) makes us stronger. We went to the movies this weekend with the kids, and we found ourselves smooching like teenagers (ok, maybe not like teenagers, maybe more the PG version-HA!) and this morning when he got home from work he pulled me close and I asked him why we were so happy, and he said what my daughter says when you ask her why she's so beautiful, "God made it that way."
So, for now, I'm more than content not going out and 'living it up' by myself. I honestly think I'm too old for that anymore anyway. :)
Oh, and here's a pic from my husband's surprise party last weekend...
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 15:30 (NIV) A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.
Friday, October 3, 2008
NOW you see why...
I've been doing YL now for just under 7 months, and I've never in my life felt more like where I'm supposed to be. It truly has been more fullfilling for me than any other 'thing' I've tried before. It's so gratifying and freeing and completely addicting too! :) The more you do it, the more you affect change, or help those that can, the more you want to be involved.
I went to camp last summer and it was just amazing. Truly not a 'church camp', but a camp about loving those kids, no matter what they are involved in, what they do, what they say, where they come from, showing them support and love like Jesus would, it affected me just as much if not more than those kids, and started a new 'lifestyle' in my life, which also trickled down to my family.
My director showed me a video of the camp we will be going to this summer and I got goosebumps watching it knowing what will take place there in the lives of those kids. I wanted you to see... (PAUSE the music to the left first!!!!!!!)
Lost Canyon: The Eric Scofield Tour from W. Ashley Maddox on Vimeo.
I went to camp last summer and it was just amazing. Truly not a 'church camp', but a camp about loving those kids, no matter what they are involved in, what they do, what they say, where they come from, showing them support and love like Jesus would, it affected me just as much if not more than those kids, and started a new 'lifestyle' in my life, which also trickled down to my family.
My director showed me a video of the camp we will be going to this summer and I got goosebumps watching it knowing what will take place there in the lives of those kids. I wanted you to see... (PAUSE the music to the left first!!!!!!!)
Lost Canyon: The Eric Scofield Tour from W. Ashley Maddox on Vimeo.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Surprise and ER
Well this past weekend was interesting. The surprise party for my husband went over great, he says he had no idea. Sometime before we went to bed (around 2am) he pulled me aside, hugged me and told me it was the best birthday ever. YAY!
We went to my son's soccer game that day too. They won! Yay Strikers!!
Then...dun dun DUN. Jaedyn wanted to fall asleep in her princess bed in our room. At 2am when we were finally hitting the hay, Dusty lifted her up to take her to her room and she was ON FIRE. Her temp was something over 102. We put her in a bath, gave her motrin, and it didn't help. It didn't go up, but it didn't go down either. She slept next to me and I kept check of her temp ever half hour. We gave her 4 more baths, she started vomiting, and then morning came. Her fever was lower but still not gone, so we took her to CareNow. They told us to take her on to the hospital because her symptoms were like those of appendicitis. Just before we left she threw up on the nurses shoes...nice.
We got to the ER and waited and they took test after test, gave her something for the nausea, so she finally started eating...she was SUPER dehydrated. We were at the hospital for about 4 hours, and when we left she still had a fever, but they told us it was just a nasty viral bug and to not worry, she could have a fever of 103 for up to 5 days. WHaaa???
So we took her home, gave her more motrin, another bath, and her fever broke. Her dad got her McDonalds and she seemed very happy. She slept with me again, this time no fever all night. She had a small fever of just 100 the next morning, but it went away within an hour of giving her more motrin. Then after that she was completely fine. She stayed home from school and ate and ate and wanted to ride bikes, etc. The next day I took her to school, thinking she's now better, but I'll surely get it, which is also why I had to miss my first YL club of the year, but I never did. No one in the house did. And here it is Wednesday and we're all still fine.
Weird.
TTFN - "Ta Ta For Now"
More later...
We went to my son's soccer game that day too. They won! Yay Strikers!!
Then...dun dun DUN. Jaedyn wanted to fall asleep in her princess bed in our room. At 2am when we were finally hitting the hay, Dusty lifted her up to take her to her room and she was ON FIRE. Her temp was something over 102. We put her in a bath, gave her motrin, and it didn't help. It didn't go up, but it didn't go down either. She slept next to me and I kept check of her temp ever half hour. We gave her 4 more baths, she started vomiting, and then morning came. Her fever was lower but still not gone, so we took her to CareNow. They told us to take her on to the hospital because her symptoms were like those of appendicitis. Just before we left she threw up on the nurses shoes...nice.
We got to the ER and waited and they took test after test, gave her something for the nausea, so she finally started eating...she was SUPER dehydrated. We were at the hospital for about 4 hours, and when we left she still had a fever, but they told us it was just a nasty viral bug and to not worry, she could have a fever of 103 for up to 5 days. WHaaa???
So we took her home, gave her more motrin, another bath, and her fever broke. Her dad got her McDonalds and she seemed very happy. She slept with me again, this time no fever all night. She had a small fever of just 100 the next morning, but it went away within an hour of giving her more motrin. Then after that she was completely fine. She stayed home from school and ate and ate and wanted to ride bikes, etc. The next day I took her to school, thinking she's now better, but I'll surely get it, which is also why I had to miss my first YL club of the year, but I never did. No one in the house did. And here it is Wednesday and we're all still fine.
Weird.
TTFN - "Ta Ta For Now"
More later...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Both sides to this war...
K, so I wouldn't say that I'm 'affiliated' with any party, and as a Christian, I know I'm supposed to 'be in line' and-without what I feel is sufficient research or understanding on my part-sign up with the Republicans. I was sent these today and you can see why it is so difficult for someone like me (no real party affiliation, no real grasp on the issues, no real understanding of politics) could choose not to vote at all. Seeing things like this, it kinda makes me feel that voting leaves us in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario.
Just thought I'd share:
In this election, there are so many issues considered in "crisis", making the next leaders decisions have more weight than ever before in our recent generations. Looking amongst the brink of a deeper recession, continued war vs. immediate pullout (both I don't like so much), then moral issues like abortion, I, as I assume many are, am running scared.
It is true now more than ever that we rely on the One Leader to fix all of this. Now is the time to exercise our faith, to believe without question that He has a plan for all of this.
I don't know about you, but this anxiety about what's to come for our country has not only got me on my knees, but on my face before Him.
Verse to Ponder: Philippians 4:6 (NKJV) Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
Just thought I'd share:
In this election, there are so many issues considered in "crisis", making the next leaders decisions have more weight than ever before in our recent generations. Looking amongst the brink of a deeper recession, continued war vs. immediate pullout (both I don't like so much), then moral issues like abortion, I, as I assume many are, am running scared.
It is true now more than ever that we rely on the One Leader to fix all of this. Now is the time to exercise our faith, to believe without question that He has a plan for all of this.
I don't know about you, but this anxiety about what's to come for our country has not only got me on my knees, but on my face before Him.
Verse to Ponder: Philippians 4:6 (NKJV) Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Yuck-a-loogie
So Monday night YL had their annual Food fight/Crud War/Yuck-a-loogie night. It was my first time, so I was just as excited and surprised as the kids. There were over 100 kids that showed up to sling 'redneck paintballs' (marshmallows covered in mustard and ketchup), pickle juice with horsefeed, flour bombs, water balloons, applesauce and red paint, shaving cream and more over a huge field after dark. It was hillarious to watch it all go down. Messy wouldn't even be the way to describe it. But it was SO much fun.
I saw so many new faces, so many freshmen, parents and new leaders. It was a great kickoff to what I know will be a fabulous new year of YL.
Next week we start Club nights up and running again. I'm praying that we'll have even more new faces and others come back to join us.
Being part of this for just this short amount of time has meant SO much. I can't tell you all the blessings and positive feedback and changes in my family and in myself that have taken place, and this is just the beginning!
It is an amazing and humbling experience to feel like you are 'on the front lines' of the spiritual warfare in your community. I can't believe I get to be part of it!
Weak? WEAK!?
Ok, so if you know me, you know I'm kinda impatient, strong-willed, work-a-holic, go big or go home kind of gal. I feel like I can teach myself or try anything I put my mind too. I try to speak the truth (in love) always, and can pretty much out argue anyone, if necessary. :) So when I heard from my husband several years ago that he felt I was weak, I about exploded.
Yes, ladies, my husband tried to sweetly tell me that I was weak. (Somewhere Mrs. Palin just cocked her winchester. HA!) Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis? I know, I know. It stung pretty bad, but over time I began to understand and adjust myself from his words of 'wisdom' given to me from his perspective of who/what/how I had become. If you've read this blog you'll know that some yuck (for lack of better word) has happened in my past. You'll also know that it's ripple affect has followed me now almost 12 years later. I had become accustomed to, even though I hated it, being the 'victim'. I deserved the right to wollow in my pain, to feel sorry for myself, to have someone else, namely my husband, help me through and regularly pick up the pieces. No wonder then, when I tried to exercise my need for control or independence did he suddenly put on the brakes.
Hearing what he had to say that afternoon about how fragile he viewed me, made me more than mad, but after time passed I realized it wasn't only anger from having to hear what he said, wasn't only anger focused on those who had hurt me, but it was also anger at myself for not getting out of myself long enough to get out of my 'victim rut'. I wanted to be strong, but the truth was, I wasn't. I'm not. But that's okay.
Three things happened since our conversation on the couch that afternoon. One, my husband is probably a bit scared of me, due to my reaction to his words, which were truly meant to bring my attention to things. Two, I realized I didn't want anyone to think I was weak, I definitely didn't want my husband viewing me that way, and I didn't want to think or feel or act weak any longer. And third, I began to understand how to shed that 'victim skin'. I slowly but surely started relying more on God. I started understanding then with my pursuit of Him that I'm not damaged, that what has happened doesn't define me. I am a product of mercy and grace, I can be restored. I stopped thinking I needed to turn to everyone else to 'fix' me. I stopped leaning so much on my husband for everything spiritually, physically, emotionally and started to understand that it's not his sole responsibility, and putting all my faith in him would only lead me to be disappointed. After all he's flesh and blood just like me. Giving it over to the One who said He always would take on that responsibility, would restore me, would forgive and forget and renew me, has empowered me SO much. I know it will take time, but I KNOW I can be strong again. I know I can hold my own again. I know He has plans for me, and I'm worthy of those plans. I'm no longer going to let my 'yuck' or my disappointments and hurt caused by others of this world to keep me down.
I'm weak, and I know it. But I can be made strong through Him. From now on, all I want them to see is Him in me.
Verse to Ponder: 1 Peter 4:1-2 (The Message) Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.
Yes, ladies, my husband tried to sweetly tell me that I was weak. (Somewhere Mrs. Palin just cocked her winchester. HA!) Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis? I know, I know. It stung pretty bad, but over time I began to understand and adjust myself from his words of 'wisdom' given to me from his perspective of who/what/how I had become. If you've read this blog you'll know that some yuck (for lack of better word) has happened in my past. You'll also know that it's ripple affect has followed me now almost 12 years later. I had become accustomed to, even though I hated it, being the 'victim'. I deserved the right to wollow in my pain, to feel sorry for myself, to have someone else, namely my husband, help me through and regularly pick up the pieces. No wonder then, when I tried to exercise my need for control or independence did he suddenly put on the brakes.
Hearing what he had to say that afternoon about how fragile he viewed me, made me more than mad, but after time passed I realized it wasn't only anger from having to hear what he said, wasn't only anger focused on those who had hurt me, but it was also anger at myself for not getting out of myself long enough to get out of my 'victim rut'. I wanted to be strong, but the truth was, I wasn't. I'm not. But that's okay.
Three things happened since our conversation on the couch that afternoon. One, my husband is probably a bit scared of me, due to my reaction to his words, which were truly meant to bring my attention to things. Two, I realized I didn't want anyone to think I was weak, I definitely didn't want my husband viewing me that way, and I didn't want to think or feel or act weak any longer. And third, I began to understand how to shed that 'victim skin'. I slowly but surely started relying more on God. I started understanding then with my pursuit of Him that I'm not damaged, that what has happened doesn't define me. I am a product of mercy and grace, I can be restored. I stopped thinking I needed to turn to everyone else to 'fix' me. I stopped leaning so much on my husband for everything spiritually, physically, emotionally and started to understand that it's not his sole responsibility, and putting all my faith in him would only lead me to be disappointed. After all he's flesh and blood just like me. Giving it over to the One who said He always would take on that responsibility, would restore me, would forgive and forget and renew me, has empowered me SO much. I know it will take time, but I KNOW I can be strong again. I know I can hold my own again. I know He has plans for me, and I'm worthy of those plans. I'm no longer going to let my 'yuck' or my disappointments and hurt caused by others of this world to keep me down.
I'm weak, and I know it. But I can be made strong through Him. From now on, all I want them to see is Him in me.
Verse to Ponder: 1 Peter 4:1-2 (The Message) Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Oh and did I mention...
The owner of the 4 wheeler called and said after they cleaned it up that it was working fine! *Phew* Just a lost key...God even answers prayers about ATVs, I love it!
I got a part time staff position with Young Life! I start this week! I know it's probably going to be one of the easiest jobs I've had to date, but I'm SO nervous! The longer I've been out of school/work, the stupid-er I feel! Plus, I want to do a good job, because in the end, it's all for the kids. I really, really don't want to screw up.
I'm having a surprise party for my husband's bday. SHHH! (Good thing he doesn't like reading blogs-HA!) We're doing it big in the backyard this Saturday night (and by big I mean Christmas lights and enchiladas, HA!). It should be fun. I've done pretty good so far with the secret, the kids don't even know. (so please don't tell them! :>)
My son had two amazing soccer games this weekend, but they tied them both! What are the odds? But he scored a goal in the first game and barely missed two attempts the second game! :)
I started a new bible study last week with a friend of mine from YL. It's studying Genesis. I've already learned quite a bit! For instance, did you know that in the beginning that God told man that he could eat any of the plants he wanted, no meat? ALL of the animals ate only plants too!! (The lion laid down with the lamb...) It wasn't until after the flood (Noah and the ark and all that) that it changed!
Oh, and I have a random joke for you today. My son laughed SO hard when his dad told him...
Q: Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Poo.
HA!
P.S. If you wanna, I've added a 'followers' section to this blog. (It's on the left.) If you want to add yourself as a follower, feel free!
Enjoy your week!
I got a part time staff position with Young Life! I start this week! I know it's probably going to be one of the easiest jobs I've had to date, but I'm SO nervous! The longer I've been out of school/work, the stupid-er I feel! Plus, I want to do a good job, because in the end, it's all for the kids. I really, really don't want to screw up.
I'm having a surprise party for my husband's bday. SHHH! (Good thing he doesn't like reading blogs-HA!) We're doing it big in the backyard this Saturday night (and by big I mean Christmas lights and enchiladas, HA!). It should be fun. I've done pretty good so far with the secret, the kids don't even know. (so please don't tell them! :>)
My son had two amazing soccer games this weekend, but they tied them both! What are the odds? But he scored a goal in the first game and barely missed two attempts the second game! :)
I started a new bible study last week with a friend of mine from YL. It's studying Genesis. I've already learned quite a bit! For instance, did you know that in the beginning that God told man that he could eat any of the plants he wanted, no meat? ALL of the animals ate only plants too!! (The lion laid down with the lamb...) It wasn't until after the flood (Noah and the ark and all that) that it changed!
Oh, and I have a random joke for you today. My son laughed SO hard when his dad told him...
Q: Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Poo.
HA!
P.S. If you wanna, I've added a 'followers' section to this blog. (It's on the left.) If you want to add yourself as a follower, feel free!
Enjoy your week!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Communication
Oh, I've been so busy and tired lately...but I've still had so much on my mind to write about. I've just been too pooped to get on here and get it all typed! Someday I hope they come up with a way for me to just talk when I'm thinking about things (like in my car or in bed) and it will get typed in...k, maybe that's a bit lazy. :)
Ok, so I was doing errands the other day and was needing to call my dr. to set an appointment. I was in the car driving and called the free 411 800 number my friend gave me and waited for the prompts. I thought it would be awesome to call a free 411, because who wants to pay the outrageous fee to ask for a number, all of which takes like ten seconds, but still costs like $2. Ouch. So anyway, I called the number and followed the prompts (it's all automated), and it went something like this...
Recording: "What city and state?"
Me: McKinney, Texas
Recording: "Mckinley?"
Me: Mic-ken-ey
Recording: "McKinney?"
Me: "Yes"
Recording: "Would you like business, residential or toll free?"
Me: "Business"
Recording: "SAY, Business or Residential"
Me: "uh....(louder) Business"
Recording: "I'm sorry, I did not understand. SAY Business or Res..."
Me: (interupting) BIZ-NESS!
Recording: "By name or type?"
Me: (loudly) NAME
Recording: "What name?"
Me: "Dr. Banks"
Recording: "I'm sorry, say the na..."
Me: "DOCTOR BanKS"
Recording: "I didn't underst.."
Me: "TRACEY BANKS"
Recording: "I'm sorry, I..."
Me: "DUH-AHK-TORE BUH-AY-EN-KUH-SSS" (loudly, I think I popped a vein in my forehead)
Recording: "Would you like to try again?"
Me: "FORGET IT!"
Recording: "I'm sorry, I do not understand."
Me: ...click... (the phone jumped from my hand and forced itself to the floorboard, I don't know how that happened *wink, wink*)
Sometimes I think, especially because I'm married, that communication can be difficult. Men are truly from mars and have spaghetti for brains (view depends on the book you've read). I've met people in my life that it seemed no amount of reason communicated to them would make them any less trivial, or instigating, or quick tempered. But all of this just leads me to my relationship with Christ. I thought about how frustrated I was in the car after my experience with the free 411 'lady' and how I couldn't get to where I was going or know which way to turn because it seemed like we were speaking a different language. I know sometimes I feel that way with God. Obviously he's not audible and if I try to use my finite mind and simplistic understanding of who He is, then I think I'd never get closer to Him. But the relationship I've felt grow over the last few months has truly surprised me. Getting in His word, relying heavily on prayer, he communicates with me in a whole new way. It's something I can't even really explain. But by seeking Him and questioning and trying to learn more and more, I understand more, I "see" more, I even see prayers answered more obviously, quickly and I have found peace where before I would have worried myself into a pit, or worse. Communication is crucial and the foundation of any real, lasting and healthy relationship. I just don't know why it took me so long to understand it in a way that made sense to the only relationship that truly matters.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 8:14 "Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom; I am understanding, I have strength."
Ok, so I was doing errands the other day and was needing to call my dr. to set an appointment. I was in the car driving and called the free 411 800 number my friend gave me and waited for the prompts. I thought it would be awesome to call a free 411, because who wants to pay the outrageous fee to ask for a number, all of which takes like ten seconds, but still costs like $2. Ouch. So anyway, I called the number and followed the prompts (it's all automated), and it went something like this...
Recording: "What city and state?"
Me: McKinney, Texas
Recording: "Mckinley?"
Me: Mic-ken-ey
Recording: "McKinney?"
Me: "Yes"
Recording: "Would you like business, residential or toll free?"
Me: "Business"
Recording: "SAY, Business or Residential"
Me: "uh....(louder) Business"
Recording: "I'm sorry, I did not understand. SAY Business or Res..."
Me: (interupting) BIZ-NESS!
Recording: "By name or type?"
Me: (loudly) NAME
Recording: "What name?"
Me: "Dr. Banks"
Recording: "I'm sorry, say the na..."
Me: "DOCTOR BanKS"
Recording: "I didn't underst.."
Me: "TRACEY BANKS"
Recording: "I'm sorry, I..."
Me: "DUH-AHK-TORE BUH-AY-EN-KUH-SSS" (loudly, I think I popped a vein in my forehead)
Recording: "Would you like to try again?"
Me: "FORGET IT!"
Recording: "I'm sorry, I do not understand."
Me: ...click... (the phone jumped from my hand and forced itself to the floorboard, I don't know how that happened *wink, wink*)
Sometimes I think, especially because I'm married, that communication can be difficult. Men are truly from mars and have spaghetti for brains (view depends on the book you've read). I've met people in my life that it seemed no amount of reason communicated to them would make them any less trivial, or instigating, or quick tempered. But all of this just leads me to my relationship with Christ. I thought about how frustrated I was in the car after my experience with the free 411 'lady' and how I couldn't get to where I was going or know which way to turn because it seemed like we were speaking a different language. I know sometimes I feel that way with God. Obviously he's not audible and if I try to use my finite mind and simplistic understanding of who He is, then I think I'd never get closer to Him. But the relationship I've felt grow over the last few months has truly surprised me. Getting in His word, relying heavily on prayer, he communicates with me in a whole new way. It's something I can't even really explain. But by seeking Him and questioning and trying to learn more and more, I understand more, I "see" more, I even see prayers answered more obviously, quickly and I have found peace where before I would have worried myself into a pit, or worse. Communication is crucial and the foundation of any real, lasting and healthy relationship. I just don't know why it took me so long to understand it in a way that made sense to the only relationship that truly matters.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 8:14 "Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom; I am understanding, I have strength."
Monday, September 15, 2008
BIG 100!!! and yIKEs!
Woo Hoo! Today I see that I have 100 posts! Thanks to those of you still reading my ramblings after so long. :)
Well, so we weren't in the path of Ike, *phew*, but there were many, many more that were. Lots that will have to rebuild their property, their lives from this day forward. It seems kinda sureal as I look outside and see the gorgeous weather we have here.
I'm going by what I hear on the boob tube, which may be my problem to begin with, and not knowing the 'true' motives of the Galvestonians (maybe they couldn't get out, i.e. didn't have transportation or were too sick or elderly, but I assume that wasn't the case for the 100k who didn't budge), I may be speaking out of turn. But nonetheless, "What the...?" They were given a mandatory evacuation, MAN-DA-TORY. They were told if they chose to stay they would need to write their social security #s on their arms, and that they would be on their own. BUT, thousands, HUNDREDS of thousands stayed. So now they put the tax dollars and rescue personel in hot water, pun intended. They reported over 1000 emergency rescue calls the night Ike hit, and they did what they said they'd do, they said "sorry" and to wait it out. The next day though, as the storm was still leaving effects and the water wasn't usable, and power lines were down, mass flooding and destruction, these rescue forces were out cleaning up the mess and starting the rescue of those people that didn't head the warnings.
It makes me upset!
It's really not fair to the rescue teams to be put into danger for those that wouldn't budge, or to those that left who will be footing the tax bill of the rescue team's aid for those who stayed. They shut down the island for goodness sakes! Maybe next time there will be a punishment for those that stay with their fingers plugging their ears, eyes closed saying "La-la-la-la-la, I'm not listening" while the order for MANDATORY evacuation was being given FOUR DAYS in advance. Didn't we learn anything from Katrina people? Get out!
On another note, we got word from the YL in Haiti. They have been hit again and again by all the tropical storms recently and are having trouble putting it all back together. Please pray for them...
Verse to Ponder: Romans 8:38, 39 (NKJV) "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Well, so we weren't in the path of Ike, *phew*, but there were many, many more that were. Lots that will have to rebuild their property, their lives from this day forward. It seems kinda sureal as I look outside and see the gorgeous weather we have here.
I know it goes without saying that we are all praying for these that were in the path, but I do have one beef. **update** I wrote this earlier this morning, then found this article this evening. http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20080915/ts_csm/aike
I'm going by what I hear on the boob tube, which may be my problem to begin with, and not knowing the 'true' motives of the Galvestonians (maybe they couldn't get out, i.e. didn't have transportation or were too sick or elderly, but I assume that wasn't the case for the 100k who didn't budge), I may be speaking out of turn. But nonetheless, "What the...?" They were given a mandatory evacuation, MAN-DA-TORY. They were told if they chose to stay they would need to write their social security #s on their arms, and that they would be on their own. BUT, thousands, HUNDREDS of thousands stayed. So now they put the tax dollars and rescue personel in hot water, pun intended. They reported over 1000 emergency rescue calls the night Ike hit, and they did what they said they'd do, they said "sorry" and to wait it out. The next day though, as the storm was still leaving effects and the water wasn't usable, and power lines were down, mass flooding and destruction, these rescue forces were out cleaning up the mess and starting the rescue of those people that didn't head the warnings.
It makes me upset!
It's really not fair to the rescue teams to be put into danger for those that wouldn't budge, or to those that left who will be footing the tax bill of the rescue team's aid for those who stayed. They shut down the island for goodness sakes! Maybe next time there will be a punishment for those that stay with their fingers plugging their ears, eyes closed saying "La-la-la-la-la, I'm not listening" while the order for MANDATORY evacuation was being given FOUR DAYS in advance. Didn't we learn anything from Katrina people? Get out!
On another note, we got word from the YL in Haiti. They have been hit again and again by all the tropical storms recently and are having trouble putting it all back together. Please pray for them...
Dear Friends:
I learned yesterday from Joe Walters, Young Life vice president for Latin America, of the impact Hurricane Hanna has had on our staff and volunteers in Haiti. Sadly, one of our own volunteer leaders is among those who lost their lives in this storm. Following is an e-mail written from Joe:
I was able to make contact tonight with Chedrick Caneus, our national director in Haiti. He is a beautiful testimony of a wonderful, godly leader. When asked how we can help, he said would you ask others to pray. I assured him I would. He told me the name of our volunteer leader in Gonaives who died as a result of the storm. His name is Aristide Emmanuel. He was not married. It seems that those who lived in homes with a second story or a sturdy roof to escape the rising waters were safe. Unfortunately this was not the case for Aristide. Chedrick reported that the other cities deeply affected by the hurricanes where we have Young Life, Miragone and Massaide, all survived without loss of life. The roads to each of these areas are washed out and Chedrick is staying in touch with all by phone. We ended our time tonight on the phone by praying together. I continue to receive way more than I ever give to these saints. Tonight was another example of this. Please pray for those struggling with this tragedy and with the challenge of rebuilding their lives after the storm. Furthermore, if you are in a position to help financially, you can send your gift to the Service Center made payable to Young Life X365 Haiti, hurricane relief. The immediate need is for food, water and temporary shelter for our Young Life staff and volunteers in Haiti, and as the damage is assessed there will be a long-term need for funds to rebuild the homes of these same staff and volunteers.
We will provide ongoing information about the impact of the storm on Haiti on younglife.org. In the meantime, thank you for praying for our brothers and sisters in the mission and all others affected by the storms.
Verse to Ponder: Romans 8:38, 39 (NKJV) "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Friday, September 12, 2008
From one moment to the next
I just finished reading (another) book by Ted Dekker called, Blink of an Eye. It was such a neat way to think about God's hand in our lives.
It showed how free will and God's will circle around, within and about each other. I will admit I've always been confused as to how God can know everything that is going to happen, but yet we still have free will. How is his will done, if ours changes and can stand in the way of the plans he has for us?
This book was such a unique way to understand this concept. It showed a main character that suddenly was blessed with the gift to see all possible 'futures', each changing from moment to moment based on what he did, what the person near him did, what each person did around him. Near the end this self-professed non-believer found God almost 'by accident' with a simple prayer. That prayer then made him see all futures, but all now were intertwined by God's will.
I thought about it and how huge this idea really is. Our every moment, every second can be influenced and changed, altered or even aborted due not only to our actions and thoughts, but everyone around us, and what they will do or say. But bringing God in, attaches him to these moments. And now, God plays a part. Yes, the moments change over and over again presenting alternate 'futures' for us, but I know that God keeps up. He can see all these futures, all these choices, and He, like us can alter what is done from moment to moment. So does he know what will happen? Yes. But it's not as black-and-white as that, he knows ALL possible futures, based on what we as humans choose to do from one moment to the next. Allowing him in to help us, to author our story, our futures, has such a different spin now. How intricate our lives are if dissected moment by moment, second by second, future by possible future, and he's there, throughout all of it. So in the next ten seconds, I could go get coffee, keep writing, yawn, or even blink. Each of these could happen, but they are up to me. He sees them all, all possibilities. When our choice is made he acts accordingly, then foresees the next string of possible futures. The thought of it alone is enough to make my head hurt!
But, it kinda makes you feel special doesn't it?
Beyond that it explains a lot of questions. How he can take a single moment, the opportunity that we give him, should we lay that moment, that circumstance, that trial, that pain, that worry at his feet, how he can avert it, or allow it, all the while taking charge of it, so that he can bring us back to his glory.
Wow.
Verse to Ponder: II Chronicles 16:9a (NIV) For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.
It showed how free will and God's will circle around, within and about each other. I will admit I've always been confused as to how God can know everything that is going to happen, but yet we still have free will. How is his will done, if ours changes and can stand in the way of the plans he has for us?
This book was such a unique way to understand this concept. It showed a main character that suddenly was blessed with the gift to see all possible 'futures', each changing from moment to moment based on what he did, what the person near him did, what each person did around him. Near the end this self-professed non-believer found God almost 'by accident' with a simple prayer. That prayer then made him see all futures, but all now were intertwined by God's will.
I thought about it and how huge this idea really is. Our every moment, every second can be influenced and changed, altered or even aborted due not only to our actions and thoughts, but everyone around us, and what they will do or say. But bringing God in, attaches him to these moments. And now, God plays a part. Yes, the moments change over and over again presenting alternate 'futures' for us, but I know that God keeps up. He can see all these futures, all these choices, and He, like us can alter what is done from moment to moment. So does he know what will happen? Yes. But it's not as black-and-white as that, he knows ALL possible futures, based on what we as humans choose to do from one moment to the next. Allowing him in to help us, to author our story, our futures, has such a different spin now. How intricate our lives are if dissected moment by moment, second by second, future by possible future, and he's there, throughout all of it. So in the next ten seconds, I could go get coffee, keep writing, yawn, or even blink. Each of these could happen, but they are up to me. He sees them all, all possibilities. When our choice is made he acts accordingly, then foresees the next string of possible futures. The thought of it alone is enough to make my head hurt!
But, it kinda makes you feel special doesn't it?
Beyond that it explains a lot of questions. How he can take a single moment, the opportunity that we give him, should we lay that moment, that circumstance, that trial, that pain, that worry at his feet, how he can avert it, or allow it, all the while taking charge of it, so that he can bring us back to his glory.
Wow.
Verse to Ponder: II Chronicles 16:9a (NIV) For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
It's only fitting...
Well, today is 'that' anniversary...so I thought I'd ramble about it a bit.
I still remember the details of the morning the planes crashed into the two towers, as I assume most people do. I was on my way to work and heard bits and pieces on the radio some time after the first plane hit. When I got to work I stood in the lobby and watched with many other building occupants as several side-by-side large screen tvs displayed the events over and over from different angles on different stations all in real time. Everyone was so quiet. I got to my office on the 16th floor and pressed my face to the glass of my floor to ceiling windows and wondered what would have to go through my mind to jump, as I'd heard and seen so many do that morning from almost a hundred floors higher. I thought about all the families. What if it had been my family? Even the news anchors were barely holding it together.
I remember the days that followed, the surge of pride Americans had for our country. I remember the general pop being in support of the war. I remember Bush having a high popularity rating (remember that?) I remember 'Freedom fries' (btw, Dairy Palace in Canton still has them labeled like that on their menu). I remember flags on every business, in front yards, attached to cars. I remember what it was like to look at people of middle-eastern descent differently. Even though I knew it was wrong, I think, I, like most people, felt betrayed and it felt easy, justified even, to, even internally, point the finger somewhere.
I know how much that single act changed everything, the way we felt safe and somewhat indestructible, the way it hit our economy, and here 7 years later we still feel it's affects. The way we feel about war, about our leadership, about how little we really used to care about places and cultures outside our nation and now how guilty we feel as we pay the price for being so naive and self-centered.
Throughout all of this questions have been raised. How can God do this to us? One thing I've learned is that God didn't DO this. Allow it, maybe. But all things, ALL things can be given to God to handle or position or alter or change or affect for His glory. I believe He cried that day, just like the day he allowed his son to suffer and die in agony. He allowed it to save us. Even though we may not understand his ways, it is in our best interest, maybe not here in this place...but then, maybe so. One action begets many, many more and lives are changed, eternally.
It's so difficult with our finite minds to process pain and see beyond the right now, the all-about-us, even if we have the best intentions. But God is not a God of confusion or fear, he is a God of peace and mercy, even if the decisions and free will of the world seem to stand in it's way, God prevails.
I like that he takes that responsibility. I find comfort that if I give it over to him, he has my best interests in mind. When things like this happen, or when they hit closer to home with family members passing, grief, sickness, divorce, etc., that He is still there in the midst of it, ready to turn it all around for His glory, should we be so brave to trust him with it.
Maybe, on this anniversary, instead of blaming our leadership, we should make ourselves knowledgeable about the issues and candidates. Maybe instead of spending our time boycotting fast food titles, we should find the time to fervently pray for change. Maybe instead of sitting ignorant and blind to what's going on outside our cozy picket fences and plush suburban lives, we should investigate the economies, cultures and differences of the world outside ours and see what we can do to help.
Maybe on this anniversary, we should come together and hang His flag above our doorsteps.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 30:5 (NKJV) For every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.
I still remember the details of the morning the planes crashed into the two towers, as I assume most people do. I was on my way to work and heard bits and pieces on the radio some time after the first plane hit. When I got to work I stood in the lobby and watched with many other building occupants as several side-by-side large screen tvs displayed the events over and over from different angles on different stations all in real time. Everyone was so quiet. I got to my office on the 16th floor and pressed my face to the glass of my floor to ceiling windows and wondered what would have to go through my mind to jump, as I'd heard and seen so many do that morning from almost a hundred floors higher. I thought about all the families. What if it had been my family? Even the news anchors were barely holding it together.
I remember the days that followed, the surge of pride Americans had for our country. I remember the general pop being in support of the war. I remember Bush having a high popularity rating (remember that?) I remember 'Freedom fries' (btw, Dairy Palace in Canton still has them labeled like that on their menu). I remember flags on every business, in front yards, attached to cars. I remember what it was like to look at people of middle-eastern descent differently. Even though I knew it was wrong, I think, I, like most people, felt betrayed and it felt easy, justified even, to, even internally, point the finger somewhere.
I know how much that single act changed everything, the way we felt safe and somewhat indestructible, the way it hit our economy, and here 7 years later we still feel it's affects. The way we feel about war, about our leadership, about how little we really used to care about places and cultures outside our nation and now how guilty we feel as we pay the price for being so naive and self-centered.
Throughout all of this questions have been raised. How can God do this to us? One thing I've learned is that God didn't DO this. Allow it, maybe. But all things, ALL things can be given to God to handle or position or alter or change or affect for His glory. I believe He cried that day, just like the day he allowed his son to suffer and die in agony. He allowed it to save us. Even though we may not understand his ways, it is in our best interest, maybe not here in this place...but then, maybe so. One action begets many, many more and lives are changed, eternally.
It's so difficult with our finite minds to process pain and see beyond the right now, the all-about-us, even if we have the best intentions. But God is not a God of confusion or fear, he is a God of peace and mercy, even if the decisions and free will of the world seem to stand in it's way, God prevails.
I like that he takes that responsibility. I find comfort that if I give it over to him, he has my best interests in mind. When things like this happen, or when they hit closer to home with family members passing, grief, sickness, divorce, etc., that He is still there in the midst of it, ready to turn it all around for His glory, should we be so brave to trust him with it.
Maybe, on this anniversary, instead of blaming our leadership, we should make ourselves knowledgeable about the issues and candidates. Maybe instead of spending our time boycotting fast food titles, we should find the time to fervently pray for change. Maybe instead of sitting ignorant and blind to what's going on outside our cozy picket fences and plush suburban lives, we should investigate the economies, cultures and differences of the world outside ours and see what we can do to help.
Maybe on this anniversary, we should come together and hang His flag above our doorsteps.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 30:5 (NKJV) For every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Relax!!
So we went the lake with the leaders this past weekend and it was great...except...the 4 wheeler we were told we could use had some 'issues'. I never rode it, but I was told to tell the owner that the chain was loose, it sometimes didn't go in reverse and unfortunately, the key was lost.
I told her, but she responded with..."We will go later in the week to assess the damages and further contact you."
Yikes! Damages? Whoa, wait, they told me before riding that the chain looked loose and that the key kept falling out (so they put it in the house and then couldn't find it later), as far as I knew she already knew about that and the reverse thing...I was just trying to be upfront about everything over the weekend, and now 'damages'? YL doesn't have the $$ to cover damages, although I was told they would take care of it if need be. But I feel responsible. I set up the trip, I contacted her, my husband drove the thing a few times...
OH, and did I mention that my son actually fractured his arm falling off the kid-sized zip line on their property...talk about feeling like a bad mom. I didn't take him to the doctor until yesterday (during business hrs, versus the weekend), when it happened Saturday. He now has a fabulous orange cast to remind me. But I didn't tell the owner about that...
UG. My stomach literally is wound in knots. I prayed the whole way to visit my counselor today (did I mention we're doing a few sessions due to the recent events with the letter?), felt so responsible and then I pull in next to a car that had a bumper sticker on the back windshield that had two cartoon penguins facing each other, one with a giant fish over its head, like it was trying to eat the penguin. The words said, "Relax, God is in control!"
HA! Thank you. I still feel bad, but I'm just gonna keep praying and know that it really is out of my hands at this point.
I sang the song I've sung when scared in my past all the way home..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will lead your paths straight." I know its a verse, but I learned it as a song, so long ago I don't know when and I just sing it over and over until I find peace. His peace.
I told her, but she responded with..."We will go later in the week to assess the damages and further contact you."
Yikes! Damages? Whoa, wait, they told me before riding that the chain looked loose and that the key kept falling out (so they put it in the house and then couldn't find it later), as far as I knew she already knew about that and the reverse thing...I was just trying to be upfront about everything over the weekend, and now 'damages'? YL doesn't have the $$ to cover damages, although I was told they would take care of it if need be. But I feel responsible. I set up the trip, I contacted her, my husband drove the thing a few times...
OH, and did I mention that my son actually fractured his arm falling off the kid-sized zip line on their property...talk about feeling like a bad mom. I didn't take him to the doctor until yesterday (during business hrs, versus the weekend), when it happened Saturday. He now has a fabulous orange cast to remind me. But I didn't tell the owner about that...
UG. My stomach literally is wound in knots. I prayed the whole way to visit my counselor today (did I mention we're doing a few sessions due to the recent events with the letter?), felt so responsible and then I pull in next to a car that had a bumper sticker on the back windshield that had two cartoon penguins facing each other, one with a giant fish over its head, like it was trying to eat the penguin. The words said, "Relax, God is in control!"
HA! Thank you. I still feel bad, but I'm just gonna keep praying and know that it really is out of my hands at this point.
I sang the song I've sung when scared in my past all the way home..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will lead your paths straight." I know its a verse, but I learned it as a song, so long ago I don't know when and I just sing it over and over until I find peace. His peace.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Busy, Busy!
This past weekend my family and I went to Lake Texoma for the YL Leader Retreat. We stayed at a cabin and had a great time. We sang songs and shared testimonies and ate smores around a bonfire, planned our semester around the huge island in the kitchen and swam, played with the wakeboard and inflatable, built sandcastles and rode an ATV (I didn't, HA!). It was a great time to bond with our leadership team and get to know everyone's family. The only bummer of the trip was my son fell from a 'kid-sized' zip line and hurt his arm. I think it's just sprained, but he's really nursing it, even during his favorite thing to do, his soccer game yesterday. But they won anyway! Their first academy game together and they won 3 to 0!! YAY! His rec team won too, although we were out of town on Saturday.
Tonight Younglife starts again, with a student leader meeting and girls bible study. I am so excited! MOPS started again last Friday too, and as you know, I'm not one for 'tea parties' (I'll explain some other time), but it was a nice time as well.
This week has YL, soccer (x5), gymnastics, a birthday party and my husband working mucho overtime - so it will be fun, fun!
Here's a verse my son read this morning on the way to school. Afterward he asked, God will never leave me? Even if I'm with the devil? (He means even if he gets lost in the world, does 'bad' things.) It was a great time to share God's love for him, as he has been saved by grace and will forever be a child of God. We talked about how, much like a parent's love, meaning that although we can be disappointed, may even have our hearts broken, that never means our child isn't ours, we could never NOT love our children. He liked hearing that.
Verse to Ponder: Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Tonight Younglife starts again, with a student leader meeting and girls bible study. I am so excited! MOPS started again last Friday too, and as you know, I'm not one for 'tea parties' (I'll explain some other time), but it was a nice time as well.
This week has YL, soccer (x5), gymnastics, a birthday party and my husband working mucho overtime - so it will be fun, fun!
Here's a verse my son read this morning on the way to school. Afterward he asked, God will never leave me? Even if I'm with the devil? (He means even if he gets lost in the world, does 'bad' things.) It was a great time to share God's love for him, as he has been saved by grace and will forever be a child of God. We talked about how, much like a parent's love, meaning that although we can be disappointed, may even have our hearts broken, that never means our child isn't ours, we could never NOT love our children. He liked hearing that.
Verse to Ponder: Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I'm an idiot when it comes to politics, but...
I'm sure you've heard about McCain's running mate. I'm sure you've also heard that yesterday, they announced that her 17 year old unmarried daughter is pregnant. Oops.
I read some of the comments from John Q. Public and was shocked at how easy it was for everyone to judge, republican or not. (BTW, in case you're curious, I'm not 'affiliated' with either party.)
They went on and on about how the mom was to blame for the daughter's indiscretions, how Palin wasn't ready or suited for the position should she get it, how the newest child in the Palin family must really be the daughter's too, because earlier in the year the 17 yr old looked 'pudgy' at events. So collectively the public has drawn the daughter's name and self-esteem through the mud and quickly judged the mom to be an unsuitable mother and leader.
It just rang home with me. I know that a lot of the stuff I've done and been through had an ill affect on my parents. I know others were quick to judge, gossip, hate, alienate, point fingers and scoff and I'm sure my parents may have even blamed themselves. But the truth is that no one knows what's really going on or why but that person, that family and God, everyone else should just hold their tongue. Often the havoc done by their vile idioms does more damage than the incidents themselves and can lead that person or person(s) down a slippery slope. I'm living proof. I also know that sometimes things just happen, despite all efforts and great upbringing, things happen - out of pain, defense mechanisms, chemical imbalances, loneliness, naivety, or just one stupid mistake or moment of weakness. The world is a cold place sometimes, and sometimes there is no blame to be put anywhere.
I hurt for this little girl, for her mom, for my mom, and for myself as 17 yr old I once was, and as a mom hearing about this story and how closely it relates to my own. I pray that somehow it all works out for His glory. I pray for this little girl dealing with so much and for the microscope she is under to stop. We don't know what's really going on and it's just not our place to judge, frankly it's none of our business. I may be alone on this, like I said, I'm an idiot when it comes to politics, but I think this should be left alone and not introduced into underhanded campaign tactics. I just wish the whole campaigning business were over already.
**Stepping down from my soapbox now.**
I read some of the comments from John Q. Public and was shocked at how easy it was for everyone to judge, republican or not. (BTW, in case you're curious, I'm not 'affiliated' with either party.)
They went on and on about how the mom was to blame for the daughter's indiscretions, how Palin wasn't ready or suited for the position should she get it, how the newest child in the Palin family must really be the daughter's too, because earlier in the year the 17 yr old looked 'pudgy' at events. So collectively the public has drawn the daughter's name and self-esteem through the mud and quickly judged the mom to be an unsuitable mother and leader.
It just rang home with me. I know that a lot of the stuff I've done and been through had an ill affect on my parents. I know others were quick to judge, gossip, hate, alienate, point fingers and scoff and I'm sure my parents may have even blamed themselves. But the truth is that no one knows what's really going on or why but that person, that family and God, everyone else should just hold their tongue. Often the havoc done by their vile idioms does more damage than the incidents themselves and can lead that person or person(s) down a slippery slope. I'm living proof. I also know that sometimes things just happen, despite all efforts and great upbringing, things happen - out of pain, defense mechanisms, chemical imbalances, loneliness, naivety, or just one stupid mistake or moment of weakness. The world is a cold place sometimes, and sometimes there is no blame to be put anywhere.
I hurt for this little girl, for her mom, for my mom, and for myself as 17 yr old I once was, and as a mom hearing about this story and how closely it relates to my own. I pray that somehow it all works out for His glory. I pray for this little girl dealing with so much and for the microscope she is under to stop. We don't know what's really going on and it's just not our place to judge, frankly it's none of our business. I may be alone on this, like I said, I'm an idiot when it comes to politics, but I think this should be left alone and not introduced into underhanded campaign tactics. I just wish the whole campaigning business were over already.
**Stepping down from my soapbox now.**
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
It's been a few days...
So, I've had some time for my emotions to get in check; I haven't cried in about 3 days, so I guess that's good. I slept better last night, and didn't sleep the entire day today. :)
He's still on my mind though - every second of everyday - again. This time with one huge difference, I'm not scared. Now, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been a little anxious. I noticed while we ate lunch in 'his' town the other day I got knots in my stomach, dry, clenched throat, on alert and occasionally scanned faces in the crowd, but it's not like the shut-down, no-eye-contact, check the locks a thousand times paranoia that enveloped me before. I think that's a step in the right direction.
This past Sunday at church there were a few things that stuck out to me, mainly something that was said by the speaker (not our normal guy) about worry and contentment and such. He said that God said that he was to be called "I Am". Don't worry about the past, don't think about it. Don't get consumed with it and remain stuck in your pain or regret because God isn't back there; He's not the "I Was". Don't get consumed with how things will pan out or if you think you can or can't move on, worried about tomorrow, it's choices and decisions, because he didn't say he was called, "I Will Be". He is the God of NOW, He is the "I Am." I had never heard it put that way before, and it brought some comfort.
I know that God is not a God of fear or confusion, so I'm beginning to understand that if I feel consumed by fear and/or confusion, I know I'm not standing with God, or trusting him, but sinking down into myself.
I can't say I still don't want to do something with all of this and him. I can't say I don't want to sit face -to- face with him and get stuff resolved and close this all once and for all. But I want to make sure it's right, and it's the best option, so right now, I'm doing nothing....except praying.
YL starts again soon, and we're having a leader retreat this weekend at the lake, and I'm looking forward to that.
Verse to Ponder: II Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.
He's still on my mind though - every second of everyday - again. This time with one huge difference, I'm not scared. Now, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been a little anxious. I noticed while we ate lunch in 'his' town the other day I got knots in my stomach, dry, clenched throat, on alert and occasionally scanned faces in the crowd, but it's not like the shut-down, no-eye-contact, check the locks a thousand times paranoia that enveloped me before. I think that's a step in the right direction.
This past Sunday at church there were a few things that stuck out to me, mainly something that was said by the speaker (not our normal guy) about worry and contentment and such. He said that God said that he was to be called "I Am". Don't worry about the past, don't think about it. Don't get consumed with it and remain stuck in your pain or regret because God isn't back there; He's not the "I Was". Don't get consumed with how things will pan out or if you think you can or can't move on, worried about tomorrow, it's choices and decisions, because he didn't say he was called, "I Will Be". He is the God of NOW, He is the "I Am." I had never heard it put that way before, and it brought some comfort.
I know that God is not a God of fear or confusion, so I'm beginning to understand that if I feel consumed by fear and/or confusion, I know I'm not standing with God, or trusting him, but sinking down into myself.
I can't say I still don't want to do something with all of this and him. I can't say I don't want to sit face -to- face with him and get stuff resolved and close this all once and for all. But I want to make sure it's right, and it's the best option, so right now, I'm doing nothing....except praying.
YL starts again soon, and we're having a leader retreat this weekend at the lake, and I'm looking forward to that.
Verse to Ponder: II Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Finally, a voice...
Last night I wrote a letter to him. I sat in my room and just started writing. Almost ten pages later I realized that the chances he will ever get the letter were slim, but somehow, I was able to tell him everything I wanted to say - whether he ever gets to hear the words or not.
I feel like back then, everything went so quickly, got taken over and out of hand, and screwed up...and I just got lost in it. I'm not sure if I would have or could have done anything differently, but I do know the way it all went down after that night was never able to bring me closure, in fact, the aftermath whirlwind that followed only made things much, much, MUCH worse. I wonder what would have happened had I been forced to sit face to face with him. If I could have functioned in the same room, what would I have said? What would he have said? Could this have all been handled differently? I will never know.
Over the years I've been so angry, feeling like a huge part of me was ripped out, and not by just him. I feel like I lost a part of my personality, my identity, and this many years later, I still struggle trying to get it back. Sometimes I feel like if just that night alone were all that had happened, I could have been able to move past it...eventually. But the trauma stemmed from that moment and got twisted and awful and terrifying and wrong so fast, and didn't stop until almost a year later. It's 'aftershock' would then continue on until now.
So I wrote him the letter. I'm going to keep it until looking at it no longer means anything to me. Maybe one day I'll actually get my face to face with him and can be satisfied that I said all I needed to say and that he didn't have any affect on me anymore.
I don't know how I stumbled on this song today, it kind of caught me off guard that it was just there in front of me. It's Damaged by the group Plumb.
Verse to Ponder: Psalm 31:24 (NKJV) Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
I feel like back then, everything went so quickly, got taken over and out of hand, and screwed up...and I just got lost in it. I'm not sure if I would have or could have done anything differently, but I do know the way it all went down after that night was never able to bring me closure, in fact, the aftermath whirlwind that followed only made things much, much, MUCH worse. I wonder what would have happened had I been forced to sit face to face with him. If I could have functioned in the same room, what would I have said? What would he have said? Could this have all been handled differently? I will never know.
Over the years I've been so angry, feeling like a huge part of me was ripped out, and not by just him. I feel like I lost a part of my personality, my identity, and this many years later, I still struggle trying to get it back. Sometimes I feel like if just that night alone were all that had happened, I could have been able to move past it...eventually. But the trauma stemmed from that moment and got twisted and awful and terrifying and wrong so fast, and didn't stop until almost a year later. It's 'aftershock' would then continue on until now.
So I wrote him the letter. I'm going to keep it until looking at it no longer means anything to me. Maybe one day I'll actually get my face to face with him and can be satisfied that I said all I needed to say and that he didn't have any affect on me anymore.
I don't know how I stumbled on this song today, it kind of caught me off guard that it was just there in front of me. It's Damaged by the group Plumb.
Dreaming comes so easilyI know that the only way I can get beyond this is through Christ. It makes me angry that after 11 years I can still be sent backward, and that this still affects so many different aspects of my life. But I have to rely on my knowing that I'm just not strong enough on my own, and that's ok. I know God can restore me, I know I can go on. Just wish it was sooner that later...
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I can't go back
I must go on
Verse to Ponder: Psalm 31:24 (NKJV) Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
And all I go through, it leads me to You..
I'm not Alright by Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
[Chorus:]
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.
Honestly, I'm not that strong.
[Chorus:]
I'm not alright... that's why I need you.
PAUSE THE MUSIC TO THE LEFT TO HEAR THE SONG...
Verse to Ponder: Psalm 60:11-12 (NKJV) Give us help from trouble, for the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies.
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
[Chorus:]
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.
Honestly, I'm not that strong.
[Chorus:]
I'm not alright... that's why I need you.
PAUSE THE MUSIC TO THE LEFT TO HEAR THE SONG...
Verse to Ponder: Psalm 60:11-12 (NKJV) Give us help from trouble, for the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A better perspective this time
Yesterday I went to see a counselor, one I had seen a few years back, just to talk to someone who wasn't so invested in me, so close to the pain. Seeing her helped me stop and think about things, mainly, that I don't have to do anything, at least right now. I can have all the facts, weigh the pros and cons, get a grip on myself - my emotions - before I chose to respond, or not, to this person of my past.
I can't say I'm okay with everything, in the last two days I've slept a total 24 hrs, and I've only eaten once. Not exactly healthy I know, but when I'm awake my thoughts get the best of me (I think I have the world record for being able to sit and stare at a wall outlet), and eating makes me nauseous. I know enough to know it's just a defense mechanism. My mind is having my body take over so I don't get hurt. I just have to fight against it, because I know what comes next if I give in and become on true 'auto-pilot'. I begin to shut down. I've already seen the signs. I have no drive to do anything, clean, make lunches, have conversations, smile...I can literally just 'turn off' in the middle of mundane tasks, and it scares me.
I have chosen to continue writing here. I am not naive enough to think that no one is reading this, but I'm not writing it for that reason. Sure, if something read here helps you understand something or someone, I'm grateful for that. But mostly, writing about all of this is something I'm doing to help me process, like writing a journal. I know I can't be too personal, but giving details isn't necessary to 'get outside my head' on this.
I am praying that I will be able to come through this, to for once begin a new story. I've been 'victim' for so long, and I'm just tired. And as my husband made me painfully aware last night, my son is of the age to know that I'm hurting, know something has changed, and I'm responsible for affecting him.
I'm trying. I catch myself with rapid-fire thoughts full of mixed emotions and I stop and change course. It doesn't work every time, but it's a start. I also thought today for the first time in 11 years...I want to see him. I want to be face to face with him and let him know everything, to really let him know just what he's asking of me. I want to know I'm not scared of him, not even angry at him anymore. I want to see him and feel nothing. I want closure.
But I know I'm probably just reacting. Seeing him may do the opposite and send me back down a direction I don't want to go. I don't know. I just know this time around, I want to DO something, make change, have the book closed so I can finally be free of all of this and move on. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this keeps coming up for me to deal with after all of this time because I am now supposed to actually DEAL with it. If I do nothing, will I forever be trapped in this pain, forever wondering? If I answer in anger, will it solve anything? If I do what he wants, will it bring me peace, or will I regret it? I want to be right. I want a clear answer as to what I should do.
In reading today I ran across a Psalm that touched my heart. It's what I've been begging God for during the last two days.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 69:14-18 (TNIV) Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.
I can't say I'm okay with everything, in the last two days I've slept a total 24 hrs, and I've only eaten once. Not exactly healthy I know, but when I'm awake my thoughts get the best of me (I think I have the world record for being able to sit and stare at a wall outlet), and eating makes me nauseous. I know enough to know it's just a defense mechanism. My mind is having my body take over so I don't get hurt. I just have to fight against it, because I know what comes next if I give in and become on true 'auto-pilot'. I begin to shut down. I've already seen the signs. I have no drive to do anything, clean, make lunches, have conversations, smile...I can literally just 'turn off' in the middle of mundane tasks, and it scares me.
I have chosen to continue writing here. I am not naive enough to think that no one is reading this, but I'm not writing it for that reason. Sure, if something read here helps you understand something or someone, I'm grateful for that. But mostly, writing about all of this is something I'm doing to help me process, like writing a journal. I know I can't be too personal, but giving details isn't necessary to 'get outside my head' on this.
I am praying that I will be able to come through this, to for once begin a new story. I've been 'victim' for so long, and I'm just tired. And as my husband made me painfully aware last night, my son is of the age to know that I'm hurting, know something has changed, and I'm responsible for affecting him.
I'm trying. I catch myself with rapid-fire thoughts full of mixed emotions and I stop and change course. It doesn't work every time, but it's a start. I also thought today for the first time in 11 years...I want to see him. I want to be face to face with him and let him know everything, to really let him know just what he's asking of me. I want to know I'm not scared of him, not even angry at him anymore. I want to see him and feel nothing. I want closure.
But I know I'm probably just reacting. Seeing him may do the opposite and send me back down a direction I don't want to go. I don't know. I just know this time around, I want to DO something, make change, have the book closed so I can finally be free of all of this and move on. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this keeps coming up for me to deal with after all of this time because I am now supposed to actually DEAL with it. If I do nothing, will I forever be trapped in this pain, forever wondering? If I answer in anger, will it solve anything? If I do what he wants, will it bring me peace, or will I regret it? I want to be right. I want a clear answer as to what I should do.
In reading today I ran across a Psalm that touched my heart. It's what I've been begging God for during the last two days.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 69:14-18 (TNIV) Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.
Monday, August 25, 2008
And it all falls down....
******WRITTEN LAST NIGHT*******
I was trying to think of why I sometimes go through life on eggshells, thinking things have gotten "too good", and the bottom is about to fall out. I know it's not biblical, I know my beliefs, and I know it's not right (correct) or true feeling that way, but it has to stem from somewhere...
I think I know why now.
This afternoon I opened my myspace and saw an email. I began to read it and my heart sank. I became nauseous, I stood, the color draining from my face as hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. I slowly walked upstairs to my husband because I felt like I was crumbling; at any minute I would just shatter in a million pieces on the floor. He saw my shocked face, my hands and body visibly shaking and immediately began to ask what was wrong, were the kids okay, what was going on...I couldn't speak. When I did he couldn't hear me, it was as if my throat was clinched up so I couldn't dare utter the words..."HE emailed me."
My husband didn't understand and went downstairs to the computer to see. He was immediately angry. This person who's many actions had sent a wake through the next 11 years of my life, and of those that care for me so profoundly, that mention of his name, even attached to strangers can cause me to flinch. The initial act in itself may not have been what has scarred me so deeply, but the way my life would be affected in so many ways, by so many events and so many people following it, did. The act itself was the catalyst, the 'ground zero' of everything else that was to come.
And here on my laptop, I could almost hear his voice as he spoke to me in his letter. Basically, he asked that I help him. He pleaded that I help him erase this past so he could go on in his life to be a good father, to his 18 month old little girl. Without my help (supposedly) he wouldn't have the options of being a coach, being on the PTA, etc. He apologized for the first time ever and he said he wished me and those I love the best. It seemed genuine, but I was wrought with so many different emotions so quickly, my head was spinning (literally, it made me ill).
The weird thing is, if I'm honest, for the first time in 11 years, I feel sorry for him. Over the years triggers of this past have sent my mind and body over the edge, barely making it back, although when I do, I've made it back stronger every time. Two years ago when I fell backward, I relived rage, anger, guilt, fear, paranoia, etc. Today, although my body became ill and the tears have yet to dry completely, I feel closer to forgiveness than I have ever been. I have kept myself in a prison all these years, trapped by the way my memories have made me feel. Thinking about forgiving him, or any of the many who transgressed against me seemed...obscene. But today, today I am closer in my walk with Christ. I know it may sound trite, or even naive, but it's true. Today I felt sorry for him. Today I wanted to forgive him.
Don't get it twisted, I don't feel like he deserves that from me, but it became obvious in his letter that he had no idea how the cards fell after the 'event', he had no clue as to what all happened. And I do know that he was 'messed up' at the time, for lack of better words. Should one mistake of his past ruin the life of his little girl? Should it continue to ruin mine?
Thinking of signing anything that would clear him of his guilt, or of his charges is enough to make my stomach turn. But I know and he knows what happened that night and no piece of paper is going to change that. What I do know is that the way I've been 'going about it' all these years, trying to repress memories, hide behind my pain, hide behind a false tough exterior, move away, ignore it, or when I decided to dive deep in my sorrow, and live the emotions out raw and uncut, or the times I chose to self-medicate, the times I tried to terminate my life, the times I shut everyone out, lost trust, got lost in anger, fear, hurt, rage, anger, denial, anger, guilt, anger, worry, pain..pain, pain.
None of it ever worked.
Now I'm willing, I didn't say the decision is made, but I am willing to entertain the idea of forgiveness. I'm willing to think about signing whatever it is that needs to be signed (directly through a court, of course). Maybe I can just erase all of this with one piece of paper. Maybe I can just wipe the slate clean...I keep thinking that I've been forgiven, Jesus can forgive and give grace and mercy. Why can't I? It's definitely a different, and hopeful approach this time, and will mean more for me than I can assume ever for him. And for once it puts it in my control. So much had been taken from me over those years, and this...this is MY decision. Giving him the grace and mercy and forgiveness he doesn't deserve, I hope, can bring me peace.
This time I'm not going to start with anger, I'm not going to end with fear. This time I'm going to do it as I know Jesus would have done for me, what I know he HAS done for me. I'm striving to be more like him, right? Isn't that the point?
So to answer what I said in the beginning, I know why I keep thinking the bottom is going to fall out when things seem to be going good...because every time I get closer to God, Satan attacks me in a big, big way. This time, I'm going to realize it head on, and know to cling to God through this storm and tell Satan, "GET BEHIND ME!" (Matthew 16:23)
Verses to Ponder: Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV) Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
I was trying to think of why I sometimes go through life on eggshells, thinking things have gotten "too good", and the bottom is about to fall out. I know it's not biblical, I know my beliefs, and I know it's not right (correct) or true feeling that way, but it has to stem from somewhere...
I think I know why now.
This afternoon I opened my myspace and saw an email. I began to read it and my heart sank. I became nauseous, I stood, the color draining from my face as hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. I slowly walked upstairs to my husband because I felt like I was crumbling; at any minute I would just shatter in a million pieces on the floor. He saw my shocked face, my hands and body visibly shaking and immediately began to ask what was wrong, were the kids okay, what was going on...I couldn't speak. When I did he couldn't hear me, it was as if my throat was clinched up so I couldn't dare utter the words..."HE emailed me."
My husband didn't understand and went downstairs to the computer to see. He was immediately angry. This person who's many actions had sent a wake through the next 11 years of my life, and of those that care for me so profoundly, that mention of his name, even attached to strangers can cause me to flinch. The initial act in itself may not have been what has scarred me so deeply, but the way my life would be affected in so many ways, by so many events and so many people following it, did. The act itself was the catalyst, the 'ground zero' of everything else that was to come.
And here on my laptop, I could almost hear his voice as he spoke to me in his letter. Basically, he asked that I help him. He pleaded that I help him erase this past so he could go on in his life to be a good father, to his 18 month old little girl. Without my help (supposedly) he wouldn't have the options of being a coach, being on the PTA, etc. He apologized for the first time ever and he said he wished me and those I love the best. It seemed genuine, but I was wrought with so many different emotions so quickly, my head was spinning (literally, it made me ill).
The weird thing is, if I'm honest, for the first time in 11 years, I feel sorry for him. Over the years triggers of this past have sent my mind and body over the edge, barely making it back, although when I do, I've made it back stronger every time. Two years ago when I fell backward, I relived rage, anger, guilt, fear, paranoia, etc. Today, although my body became ill and the tears have yet to dry completely, I feel closer to forgiveness than I have ever been. I have kept myself in a prison all these years, trapped by the way my memories have made me feel. Thinking about forgiving him, or any of the many who transgressed against me seemed...obscene. But today, today I am closer in my walk with Christ. I know it may sound trite, or even naive, but it's true. Today I felt sorry for him. Today I wanted to forgive him.
Don't get it twisted, I don't feel like he deserves that from me, but it became obvious in his letter that he had no idea how the cards fell after the 'event', he had no clue as to what all happened. And I do know that he was 'messed up' at the time, for lack of better words. Should one mistake of his past ruin the life of his little girl? Should it continue to ruin mine?
Thinking of signing anything that would clear him of his guilt, or of his charges is enough to make my stomach turn. But I know and he knows what happened that night and no piece of paper is going to change that. What I do know is that the way I've been 'going about it' all these years, trying to repress memories, hide behind my pain, hide behind a false tough exterior, move away, ignore it, or when I decided to dive deep in my sorrow, and live the emotions out raw and uncut, or the times I chose to self-medicate, the times I tried to terminate my life, the times I shut everyone out, lost trust, got lost in anger, fear, hurt, rage, anger, denial, anger, guilt, anger, worry, pain..pain, pain.
None of it ever worked.
Now I'm willing, I didn't say the decision is made, but I am willing to entertain the idea of forgiveness. I'm willing to think about signing whatever it is that needs to be signed (directly through a court, of course). Maybe I can just erase all of this with one piece of paper. Maybe I can just wipe the slate clean...I keep thinking that I've been forgiven, Jesus can forgive and give grace and mercy. Why can't I? It's definitely a different, and hopeful approach this time, and will mean more for me than I can assume ever for him. And for once it puts it in my control. So much had been taken from me over those years, and this...this is MY decision. Giving him the grace and mercy and forgiveness he doesn't deserve, I hope, can bring me peace.
This time I'm not going to start with anger, I'm not going to end with fear. This time I'm going to do it as I know Jesus would have done for me, what I know he HAS done for me. I'm striving to be more like him, right? Isn't that the point?
So to answer what I said in the beginning, I know why I keep thinking the bottom is going to fall out when things seem to be going good...because every time I get closer to God, Satan attacks me in a big, big way. This time, I'm going to realize it head on, and know to cling to God through this storm and tell Satan, "GET BEHIND ME!" (Matthew 16:23)
Verses to Ponder: Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV) Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
First Day of School
Today was my daughter's first day of school and my son's first day of 4th grade at a new school. We woke up early, had a big breakfast, read Philippians 4 (about not worrying, instead praying) took lost of pictures and off we went. I ate lunch with them and they both were so excited to tell me about their new teachers and friends and fun stuff they were going to be doing this week. After school we went for ice cream.
The night before I stayed up trying to get the visions of terrible things out of my head. I laid awake as a few tears would come here and there. I asked God for peace. Peace that my little girl, who still refuses to brush her teeth or wipe her behind on her own, wouldn't get lost in the crowd, wouldn't get hurt. To watch her walk away from me all small and beautiful and full of life with that giant bow on her head, I watched a part of me, my heart and soul walk away. I choked up thinking about all the ways she could be hurt over the next 12 years, and that I may not be able to prevent it, or help her through it, or even know about it. I tried to keep my mind off of it and kept praying. I got my toes done, went to the library, then had lunch with them. To see how grown up she looked at lunch was a small relief. Letting my son go just seemed so much easier. I don't know why really.
But all in all, it was a good day, we made it through.
Verse to Ponder: Philippians's 4:6 (NIV) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The night before I stayed up trying to get the visions of terrible things out of my head. I laid awake as a few tears would come here and there. I asked God for peace. Peace that my little girl, who still refuses to brush her teeth or wipe her behind on her own, wouldn't get lost in the crowd, wouldn't get hurt. To watch her walk away from me all small and beautiful and full of life with that giant bow on her head, I watched a part of me, my heart and soul walk away. I choked up thinking about all the ways she could be hurt over the next 12 years, and that I may not be able to prevent it, or help her through it, or even know about it. I tried to keep my mind off of it and kept praying. I got my toes done, went to the library, then had lunch with them. To see how grown up she looked at lunch was a small relief. Letting my son go just seemed so much easier. I don't know why really.
But all in all, it was a good day, we made it through.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Going away party and STOP TAKING PICTURES!
So last night was fun. We had a small going away party for one of my YL girls who is going back to boarding school. We watched a camp video, all signed a framed pic of our group for her, ate cheesecake brownies and laughed, laughed, laughed. Then we had bible study, which was great too. Afterwards we went to Petco to purchase turtles, so she could release them...she talks about doing it...but turtles are $90, so we bought two white fish. As we walked around the store giggling and checking out the animals, the staff kept following us and telling us, no, we couldn't hold a turtle, no we can't take pictures of the animals, we needed to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep...blah, blah, blah.
Our last stop was by the hamster cages. Here we giggled because two hamsters were, um, well, 'exercising' together. One actually looked like it was trying to get away from the other...then to our surprise as they separate and start cleaning themselves, it was TWO BOY hamsters. One's actual member was exposed to us and the whole group giggled and fell to the floor or to the corner laughing, someone said, "I've feel so violated!" Well, two staffers come over and ask us not to take pictures...which we weren't so it was a strange request. But then they told us to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep. We were all standing around the hamster cage again when someone said, "um, no sir, I don't think they are trying to sleep." Someone else said, "No, they are, um, playing." I said, "THAT IS NOT playing!" Then everyone fell in a heap and started laughing again. As we started to leave the store another employee said yet again, that it was against store policy to take pictures. YES. We get it!!
Then we stood outside checking out our fish and (HA!) taking pictures as the staff inside watched. The girl that is leaving named them Barnes & Noble. Then we took the fish to a nearby pond and freed them. What's funny was, they didn't appreciate the freedom, because they kept trying to swim back to us on shore.
(Barnes & Noble)
It was a fun night.
Here's a verse from our bible study time together:
Psalm 25:9 - He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
Everyone liked this Psalm.
Our last stop was by the hamster cages. Here we giggled because two hamsters were, um, well, 'exercising' together. One actually looked like it was trying to get away from the other...then to our surprise as they separate and start cleaning themselves, it was TWO BOY hamsters. One's actual member was exposed to us and the whole group giggled and fell to the floor or to the corner laughing, someone said, "I've feel so violated!" Well, two staffers come over and ask us not to take pictures...which we weren't so it was a strange request. But then they told us to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep. We were all standing around the hamster cage again when someone said, "um, no sir, I don't think they are trying to sleep." Someone else said, "No, they are, um, playing." I said, "THAT IS NOT playing!" Then everyone fell in a heap and started laughing again. As we started to leave the store another employee said yet again, that it was against store policy to take pictures. YES. We get it!!
Then we stood outside checking out our fish and (HA!) taking pictures as the staff inside watched. The girl that is leaving named them Barnes & Noble. Then we took the fish to a nearby pond and freed them. What's funny was, they didn't appreciate the freedom, because they kept trying to swim back to us on shore.
(Barnes & Noble)It was a fun night.
Here's a verse from our bible study time together:
Psalm 25:9 - He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
Everyone liked this Psalm.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Birds and Bees
So I finally had "the talk" with my son last week. He's 9 now and about to start 4th grade. He's been asking questions here and there, and well, he's a logical, mature boy for his age and I thought better me than at school, or tv or elsewhere, so...
We sat down. I'm not sure how we even got on the subject, but after my nerves calmed down and I had prayed before hand, it really wasn't that bad. He made some faces here and there and listened intently and understood the concepts, pics I drew, asked intelligent questions...it went really well. He told me he hadn't heard it all before, but some of the words he had heard and didn't know what they meant. It took about 45 minutes and at the end, he said, "So...you and dad did that?" I said yes. But the whole convo I made sure not to crack jokes, or make him embarrassed, using the proper terms for body parts and explaining the act of sex and what changes happen to your body as all part of God's plan. I explained how it's designed within the constraints of marriage, and by taking matters into your own hands, it discounts God's design, and you miss out on what he intended for you, and takes away from the plan he has for who you do it with. I explained how the temptation can be more than you can bear, and it takes someone very strong to overcome it. We talked about disease, pregnancy, etc., and all in all he seemed to understand it pretty well, all followed up with, "I don't ever want to do any of that." I'll remind him of that when he's 16. HA!
Last night while studying for the bible study with my YL girls, I studied Proverbs 5. It talks about sexual immorality, within marriage, but as I found all my study materials, it showed that it also related to going against what God has planned for you by not waiting. For the first time I understood adultery on a completely different level. If God designed and sanctified the covenant of marriage, isn't it then adultery to go outside of the constraints of marriage, i.e. before you are married? Isn't it adultery if you compromise your purity in waiting for the one he has planned for you to love, within the commitment of marriage? Don't you wish Solomon had been around to explain it this way to you when you were a teenager? I do. It's going to be interesting tonight with the girls, I'm sure.
Verses to Ponder: Proverbs 5
We sat down. I'm not sure how we even got on the subject, but after my nerves calmed down and I had prayed before hand, it really wasn't that bad. He made some faces here and there and listened intently and understood the concepts, pics I drew, asked intelligent questions...it went really well. He told me he hadn't heard it all before, but some of the words he had heard and didn't know what they meant. It took about 45 minutes and at the end, he said, "So...you and dad did that?" I said yes. But the whole convo I made sure not to crack jokes, or make him embarrassed, using the proper terms for body parts and explaining the act of sex and what changes happen to your body as all part of God's plan. I explained how it's designed within the constraints of marriage, and by taking matters into your own hands, it discounts God's design, and you miss out on what he intended for you, and takes away from the plan he has for who you do it with. I explained how the temptation can be more than you can bear, and it takes someone very strong to overcome it. We talked about disease, pregnancy, etc., and all in all he seemed to understand it pretty well, all followed up with, "I don't ever want to do any of that." I'll remind him of that when he's 16. HA!
Last night while studying for the bible study with my YL girls, I studied Proverbs 5. It talks about sexual immorality, within marriage, but as I found all my study materials, it showed that it also related to going against what God has planned for you by not waiting. For the first time I understood adultery on a completely different level. If God designed and sanctified the covenant of marriage, isn't it then adultery to go outside of the constraints of marriage, i.e. before you are married? Isn't it adultery if you compromise your purity in waiting for the one he has planned for you to love, within the commitment of marriage? Don't you wish Solomon had been around to explain it this way to you when you were a teenager? I do. It's going to be interesting tonight with the girls, I'm sure.
Verses to Ponder: Proverbs 5
My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your year to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.
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