Yeah, the title is silly. It's the lyric from the ditsy character in the movie Just Friends, and it's stuck in my head...
I was actually going to write about Forgiveness yesterday, and a few days before that, but I keep avoiding it. Kind of like how I actually dish out forgiveness. I'm very stubborn.
Throughout my blog I've hinted on my past and that it's not one incident, not one person, not one betrayal, that caused pain in my life and that of my family, but many. Some leaked into others and kept our wounds, my wounds open. As hard as I tried to push those wounds away, and their memory, they were still there. Case in point of just about 1 1/2 years ago when several events led that past back to the forefront and the bandages of my repressed memories came loose and allowed the wound to open again, unleashing havoc on my mental and physical well-being.
Over the years I've heard many influential people talk about forgiveness. Theoretically, I know I should be able to do it, I know I SHOULD do it, but when instances came up where I was put on the spot about my thoughts on the subject, as it pertains to me personally, I've had more than a 'problem' with it. I guess if you get right down to it, I've just felt that if I were to forgive these people, that I would be allowing them a 'get out of jail free' card. That they would be at peace and be able to sleep better at night. That they would have ultimately won. I also felt like if I forgive them, that I'm forgiving the action that they did. But I know now, that's not right.
It's gotten so bad that I don't speak the first name of one of those that hurt me. I do it subconsciously. I actually have to consciously make an effort to say it if it's necessary that I do so for the next person I meet that has that particular name too.
Last night I had a dream, I don't remember much of it, except that another of those people I haven't seemed to be able to forgive was in it. I've seen this person only twice over the last ten years, and both times my blood boiled, my face literally got hot. I remember clinching my teeth, having difficulty breathing, doing everything I could not to look in their direction. One time this particular person even came up to me and tried to have a conversation with me. I about lost my stuffing. I just forced a laugh and walked away.
I know that this kind of hatred, this welling up of pain that won't be pushed away, even though I will it so, is WRONG. Before I would have flat out told you that I wouldn't forgive them, because they didn't deserve it.
Now, I'm trying. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to understand. I am only human, so my pain and fear and doubt in others leads me to protect myself, but I'm still trying. I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven, yet Christ has done so. Among the vast differences between He and I is that he also FORGETS, 'as far as the east is from the west'. I don't deserve that, but he grants it to me anyway.
I know forgiving means that I don't have to forget, I won't be able to anyway. But not forgiving gives these people of my past more power than they've ever had before against me. I am keeping the pain fresh and new, I am keeping the hatred so close to my heart. By not forgiving them and letting this go, I am ALLOWING them to win. I am also allowing Satan to have a foothold on my heart.
Today I am taking a step toward forgiveness, following in the example Christ has given me. It is a process, but one I'm glad to take, if not only because the alternative (of this place I have imprisoned myself) will be gone.
Verses to ponder:
Matthew 5:44 (NKJV): But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.
Romans 12:21 (NKJV): Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
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