As I’ve been studying lately, and that’s what I feel it is, studying, questioning, searching for truth, I’ve noticed a shift. I’ve grown up in church off and on, but even though I know what I believe, I still don’t want to ‘take them at their word’, I want a true understanding and personal relationship with Christ – they were the building blocks, but I’m seeking the truth for the foundation.
When I go about my day my ‘yuck’ is made apparent to me. I don’t mean to say that I’m consciously saying or even thinking, I’m a Christian, I can’t do that! It’s almost as if my subconscious is now made more aware and I’m feeling ashamed of things. Not in a ‘guilt’ way, but more in a way that makes me notice these things and not be interested in them anymore, OR notice that the direct effect of them changes my focus, my mood, my ‘overflow’ (previous blog) toward others, especially my family.
Some recent examples are the shows I usually TiVo. I don't think the bible that says I can’t watch Dirt, but I’ve recently stopped recording it, because the thoughts it leaves me with are less than savory. It’s almost as if the ‘tint’ of my world around me after watching things like that becomes a little darker. Also, with the show Riches, I love story lines in this show, but the last episode I watched had "G-D" it in it over a dozen times. I couldn’t even get into it because I felt offended by it. What’s weird is that I’ve watched it since it began airing and I’ve never noticed that before. I know this isn’t the first episode that that was a choice word, it was probably always there, I just wasn’t aware of it.
Another example is the kind of conversations I take part in. I know gossip is wrong, I know judging people is wrong. Believe me, I’ve been the brunt of both and it was almost more than I could come out from under alive. But I’ve noticed that in conversations with my friends that they talk a certain way about a group of people or about a person in particular, and I’ve been so quick to be part of that conversation without missing a beat – ME – the one that doesn’t want to gossip. Well, I apparently do – I was just not so sensitive to it. Now, I’m more aware of things, holding my tongue, redirecting my thoughts, ashamed that I had been part of that before.
Yet another example was my focus. I focused on what I could be doing, learning, ‘being’ and I would put my kids to bed quicker, spend less time with my husband, so I could spend more time doing the things I thought I should be, or I wanted to be doing. I had a selfish attitude about life. "I-I-I-Me-Me-Me." Now, I’m trying harder to take time to get in the floor and play with the kids, to draw out bedtime, to put down the computer or the phone or my book to go and sit with my husband. To follow up with friends to see how they are doing.
When my focus is on God and knowing and learning, thirsting to understand, he makes himself plain to me (previous blog) and I'm beginning to feel like He makes ME plain to me. He makes me aware of things I can change. These things aren't restricting, they are freeing me. I don't want to be a ‘slave’ of man (or the world), but a ‘servant’ of Christ. And I’ll tell you what, Christ has always loved me. The world, well, it’s just as fickle and self-serving as I've been.
Verse to Ponder: Joshua 24:15 (NKJV) "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve."
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