What is going on this week??!!?
Now my sister got laid off from her job, which isn't cool. I know she's worried. But another reason why it's not cool, is that she was supposed to watch my kids the week I was going to camp with YoungLife. I've already registered to go, I've raised $515 for another kid to go, they've even planned out the cabins and assigned the leaders (including me). I had even challeged a couple of the girls that if I could find a way, we could find a way for them - together.
Now, I won't be able to go and I just felt like this was what I was supposed to be doing, this, YL, camp....It all lined up like a direct answer to prayer and they needed me, and having me there helped split the leaders and the 51 girls going evenly. And I raised all that money.
At the leader meeting Wednesday night, the director mentioned to be aware that this is the time that satan will be attacking, putting doubts in the students, making some of them back out of the trip for various reasons. Is this what's going on with me? What kind of example am I setting...or at least what will the YL students see?
After all that's gone on this week I just feel deflated.
I know He can make a way through anything, and I'm not supposed to doubt, but I sure am confused and a whole lot of bummed.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Grief, or something like it....
In the last couple of days since the accident, I've seen and heard about people in our family taking things in different ways. Right after I found out the news, I just felt numb. Like stuck in 'pause'. My husband, didn't seem affected at all, and when I ask him about it, he keeps saying he's 'fine'. He tells me that his uncle (husband of his aunt that passed) is very angry now. At the hospital, his uncle and their oldest daughter seemed to have no emotion, they were talking and filling out paperwork. He said he didn't even see his other cousin cry. His mom was said to be screaming early on, and when I spoke to my husband's step-father, he was crying.
It's like this though. You say, "they're grieving", but that word encompasses an array of emotions and actions. I think we expect people to be a certain way, and if they aren't then we assume there's something wrong with them. But the fact of the matter is, we are all wired differently and the brain is a wonderfully complex thing. It can sense when there's too much trauma and act accordingly. But your brain's 'accordingly' may be very different from someone else.
Take in to fact that I have been through some pretty dark stuff. The effects of that stuff led to even more damage, and more results, even several years later. Through all of it, I BEGGED my family not to tell anyone, I hid behind my pain, and the shame of it, even though none of it was my fault. I pretended like an outsider when people would joke about 'crazy' people, or people that needed to take mental health medication. I gave no indication that at that time, I was one of those people. I held it together and gave a strong front to anyone beyond my immediate circle.
This is how I would assume anyone would act, but I know it's not the case. I know people or have known about people who will air their pain, past, everything and anything to anyone listening. I know people who skip past introductions, and 'getting to know' others, straight to the punch line. I think, how can they do that, because I fought so fiercely to do the opposite.
The same is true with grief. Everyone is different, everyone is dealing the best way they, or their brains know how. The same can happen with recovery. Some people can and WILL tell you to 'get over it', 'forget about it', that it was 'so long ago', but if you haven't finished processing it, the will to make it go away is just not enough.
On the focusonthefamily website, there is an article with the following points - pattern of phases many people experience- listed in it:
I think it's just important to let whatever process is there in each individual do it's thing. To let it happen and not fight it or hide it or explain it. And then lean on His understanding. I know when I was dealing with some awful stuff, I would cry and rock and sing over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will lead your path straight....Trust in the Lord with..." over and over until I was calm, or until my focus on the immediate crisis of my pain, or my traumatic situation or events I had currently been part of had passed. At the time it worked much like a child sucking his thumb, I didn't even know it was a verse.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 3:5,6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will lead your path straight.
It's like this though. You say, "they're grieving", but that word encompasses an array of emotions and actions. I think we expect people to be a certain way, and if they aren't then we assume there's something wrong with them. But the fact of the matter is, we are all wired differently and the brain is a wonderfully complex thing. It can sense when there's too much trauma and act accordingly. But your brain's 'accordingly' may be very different from someone else.
Take in to fact that I have been through some pretty dark stuff. The effects of that stuff led to even more damage, and more results, even several years later. Through all of it, I BEGGED my family not to tell anyone, I hid behind my pain, and the shame of it, even though none of it was my fault. I pretended like an outsider when people would joke about 'crazy' people, or people that needed to take mental health medication. I gave no indication that at that time, I was one of those people. I held it together and gave a strong front to anyone beyond my immediate circle.
This is how I would assume anyone would act, but I know it's not the case. I know people or have known about people who will air their pain, past, everything and anything to anyone listening. I know people who skip past introductions, and 'getting to know' others, straight to the punch line. I think, how can they do that, because I fought so fiercely to do the opposite.
The same is true with grief. Everyone is different, everyone is dealing the best way they, or their brains know how. The same can happen with recovery. Some people can and WILL tell you to 'get over it', 'forget about it', that it was 'so long ago', but if you haven't finished processing it, the will to make it go away is just not enough.
On the focusonthefamily website, there is an article with the following points - pattern of phases many people experience- listed in it:
- Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
- Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
- Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
- Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
- Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what has happened.”
I think it's just important to let whatever process is there in each individual do it's thing. To let it happen and not fight it or hide it or explain it. And then lean on His understanding. I know when I was dealing with some awful stuff, I would cry and rock and sing over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will lead your path straight....Trust in the Lord with..." over and over until I was calm, or until my focus on the immediate crisis of my pain, or my traumatic situation or events I had currently been part of had passed. At the time it worked much like a child sucking his thumb, I didn't even know it was a verse.
Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 3:5,6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will lead your path straight.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Maybe it’s still fresh, but it’s what’s on my mind…
“There’s been… an accident….He needs you… to call him….she… died and he is …in really bad shape.”
I was in shock as the words came out of my son’s mouth. He hadn’t even realized what he had repeated until he saw the look on my face. He came to me crying several minutes later after that voicemail, realizing what he had heard, who it involved and what it meant.
It is incredibly hard to comprehend, I'm not sure I'm ever supposed too. There are some things as a human that are just beyond my understanding.
I just got down in the floor with my kids and prayed for my extended family. I spoke to my husband again and told him I was sorry. I hurt for him and for his/my family, but I didn’t know what else to say. He told me he knew she was in a better place now, and everything would be alright.
As of last night, her son is still unconscious. He is unresponsive and has no reflexes, but has no injuries other than 'something wrong' with his C2 vertebrae (in his neck). They took him into an MRI last night, but we are still waiting on the results.
Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Revelation 21:4 (NLV) God will take away all their tears. There will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All the old things have passed away.
If you are reading this, please pray for my family.
Rainy Days
I know on days like today my spirits are usually as gray as the sky. It surprises me how much the weather can affect me. But today, I have my little girl here with me. When it rains, she’s much more likely to want to be right next to me, and I don’t mind. She keeps asking me, “When I grow up, am I going to be just like you?” I feel flattered, and I try to pretend that in that statement is sentiment, although it is more likely that she just wants to bigger, and not a model of her mother.
I’m working on putting together a few video clips from things I’ve shot of her recently. I’m going to work on doing something similar to that with my son after his birthday party this weekend. I’m surprised at just how much things have changed since I was a child. I don’t even get pictures printed anymore, and I can upload and edit videos with ease to keep online or on disk for cataloging.
I’ve got a couple of meetings this week, one tonight and one tomorrow night for Young Life. I’m going to camp this year with them as a volunteer. The meeting for tonight is about my role as VBS Craft leader at church. I think I may have gotten over my head with that one. I thought I’d just be passing out glue, but I came home from last weeks meeting with a folder, a spiral, packet, a tub as big as me and a huge sack of stuff to match. Yikes!
I’m excited about summer though. I’m going to start working on a calendar for the kids soon. We usually vacation a lot during the summer, but with gas prices and everything going up…I’m going to have to be a little more creative to keep them entertained.
Wish me luck!
Verse to ponder: Psalms 143:10 (TNIV) Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
I’m working on putting together a few video clips from things I’ve shot of her recently. I’m going to work on doing something similar to that with my son after his birthday party this weekend. I’m surprised at just how much things have changed since I was a child. I don’t even get pictures printed anymore, and I can upload and edit videos with ease to keep online or on disk for cataloging.
I’ve got a couple of meetings this week, one tonight and one tomorrow night for Young Life. I’m going to camp this year with them as a volunteer. The meeting for tonight is about my role as VBS Craft leader at church. I think I may have gotten over my head with that one. I thought I’d just be passing out glue, but I came home from last weeks meeting with a folder, a spiral, packet, a tub as big as me and a huge sack of stuff to match. Yikes!
I’m excited about summer though. I’m going to start working on a calendar for the kids soon. We usually vacation a lot during the summer, but with gas prices and everything going up…I’m going to have to be a little more creative to keep them entertained.
Wish me luck!
Verse to ponder: Psalms 143:10 (TNIV) Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Found this....
I found this...it DID bring me to tears. It is my life....Where I've been and what He has done for me...
(If you want to see a bigger window version of this clip, go HERE.
(If you want to see a bigger window version of this clip, go HERE.
Celebrations!
My son's 9th birthday was Friday. It is crazy to think that I have a NINE year old!! I trashed his room, as is tradition in our house, with streamers, signs and balloons while he slept. We had birthday muffins and he opened one gift before school (also tradition), I ate with him at school for lunch, and then we went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner (both tradition). It was such a great day for such a cool kid, but it really has gone by SO fast. We moved where we are 4 years ago, he wasn't even in kindergarten yet, and now my daughter will be in the fall. It kills me! My little girl keeps insisting that she wants to be 'big', not little anymore, and my son acts grossed out when I give him kisses. It's hard to adjust.
We went to church Sunday and they had a big military-themed service for Memorial Day. They had really cool videos, that looked like major movie trailers, full orchestra with what also sounded like movie soundtrack scores, then they had a soldier dressed on one side of the stage under a spotlight, and families in our church that had lost loved ones in the war seated on the other side behind a metal coffin draped in an American flag. The soldier sang on one side, while the families sat on the other. I didn't cry, but I was really close. I'm telling you, the walls around my heart are breaking down. They ended the service with really up beat gospel get-out-your-chair-and-dance type songs. It was really moving.
Today is memorial day, and it got me to thinking. I don't know enough about politics to speak on them. I don't know enough about the war to make a judgment about it. But I do know, no matter what people believe or say about their political background or thoughts on the war, they do, or at least those I've met, do regard soldiers highly, do feel indebted to them, do appreciate and honor them. AND RIGHTLY THEY SHOULD.
But, I thought about it. There is one who gave His life for us to take away our sins, sacrificed Himself to save us. And most of us, including myself from time to time, take it for granted, treat it like a fairytale or don't acknowledge it at all. Even if we don't 'believe' in the war, we get choked up at services, even if we don't know a soldier, we honor them when they return. But there is one who does know us, does love us, did die for us specifically, whether we believe in Him or not. Why aren't we choked up anymore when we hear about Him, why aren't we honoring him in our days? Wasn't he the ultimate soldier for our freedom??
Oh, and I found the song the guy sang at church on You Tube. Yes, it is country. I happen to think the guy at church sang it better, but that's just me...:-)
Verse to ponder: John 15:12,13 (NIV): My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
We went to church Sunday and they had a big military-themed service for Memorial Day. They had really cool videos, that looked like major movie trailers, full orchestra with what also sounded like movie soundtrack scores, then they had a soldier dressed on one side of the stage under a spotlight, and families in our church that had lost loved ones in the war seated on the other side behind a metal coffin draped in an American flag. The soldier sang on one side, while the families sat on the other. I didn't cry, but I was really close. I'm telling you, the walls around my heart are breaking down. They ended the service with really up beat gospel get-out-your-chair-and-dance type songs. It was really moving.
Today is memorial day, and it got me to thinking. I don't know enough about politics to speak on them. I don't know enough about the war to make a judgment about it. But I do know, no matter what people believe or say about their political background or thoughts on the war, they do, or at least those I've met, do regard soldiers highly, do feel indebted to them, do appreciate and honor them. AND RIGHTLY THEY SHOULD.
But, I thought about it. There is one who gave His life for us to take away our sins, sacrificed Himself to save us. And most of us, including myself from time to time, take it for granted, treat it like a fairytale or don't acknowledge it at all. Even if we don't 'believe' in the war, we get choked up at services, even if we don't know a soldier, we honor them when they return. But there is one who does know us, does love us, did die for us specifically, whether we believe in Him or not. Why aren't we choked up anymore when we hear about Him, why aren't we honoring him in our days? Wasn't he the ultimate soldier for our freedom??
Oh, and I found the song the guy sang at church on You Tube. Yes, it is country. I happen to think the guy at church sang it better, but that's just me...:-)
Verse to ponder: John 15:12,13 (NIV): My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
P.S. The total for YL is now up to 515.50!! Only 134.50 left. WOO HOO!!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
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