Grief, or something like it....

In the last couple of days since the accident, I've seen and heard about people in our family taking things in different ways. Right after I found out the news, I just felt numb. Like stuck in 'pause'. My husband, didn't seem affected at all, and when I ask him about it, he keeps saying he's 'fine'. He tells me that his uncle (husband of his aunt that passed) is very angry now. At the hospital, his uncle and their oldest daughter seemed to have no emotion, they were talking and filling out paperwork. He said he didn't even see his other cousin cry. His mom was said to be screaming early on, and when I spoke to my husband's step-father, he was crying.

It's like this though. You say, "they're grieving", but that word encompasses an array of emotions and actions. I think we expect people to be a certain way, and if they aren't then we assume there's something wrong with them. But the fact of the matter is, we are all wired differently and the brain is a wonderfully complex thing. It can sense when there's too much trauma and act accordingly. But your brain's 'accordingly' may be very different from someone else.

Take in to fact that I have been through some pretty dark stuff. The effects of that stuff led to even more damage, and more results, even several years later. Through all of it, I BEGGED my family not to tell anyone, I hid behind my pain, and the shame of it, even though none of it was my fault. I pretended like an outsider when people would joke about 'crazy' people, or people that needed to take mental health medication. I gave no indication that at that time, I was one of those people. I held it together and gave a strong front to anyone beyond my immediate circle.

This is how I would assume anyone would act, but I know it's not the case. I know people or have known about people who will air their pain, past, everything and anything to anyone listening. I know people who skip past introductions, and 'getting to know' others, straight to the punch line. I think, how can they do that, because I fought so fiercely to do the opposite.

The same is true with grief. Everyone is different, everyone is dealing the best way they, or their brains know how. The same can happen with recovery. Some people can and WILL tell you to 'get over it', 'forget about it', that it was 'so long ago', but if you haven't finished processing it, the will to make it go away is just not enough.

On the focusonthefamily website, there is an article with the following points - pattern of phases many people experience- listed in it:

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
2. Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
3. Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
5. Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what has happened.”

Although these are common responses to loss, there is no structure or timetable for the grieving process.

I think it's just important to let whatever process is there in each individual do it's thing. To let it happen and not fight it or hide it or explain it. And then lean on His understanding. I know when I was dealing with some awful stuff, I would cry and rock and sing over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will lead your path straight....Trust in the Lord with..." over and over until I was calm, or until my focus on the immediate crisis of my pain, or my traumatic situation or events I had currently been part of had passed. At the time it worked much like a child sucking his thumb, I didn't even know it was a verse.

Verse to Ponder: Proverbs 3:5,6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will lead your path straight.