Finally, a voice...

Last night I wrote a letter to him. I sat in my room and just started writing. Almost ten pages later I realized that the chances he will ever get the letter were slim, but somehow, I was able to tell him everything I wanted to say - whether he ever gets to hear the words or not.

I feel like back then, everything went so quickly, got taken over and out of hand, and screwed up...and I just got lost in it. I'm not sure if I would have or could have done anything differently, but I do know the way it all went down after that night was never able to bring me closure, in fact, the aftermath whirlwind that followed only made things much, much, MUCH worse. I wonder what would have happened had I been forced to sit face to face with him. If I could have functioned in the same room, what would I have said? What would he have said? Could this have all been handled differently? I will never know.

Over the years I've been so angry, feeling like a huge part of me was ripped out, and not by just him. I feel like I lost a part of my personality, my identity, and this many years later, I still struggle trying to get it back. Sometimes I feel like if just that night alone were all that had happened, I could have been able to move past it...eventually. But the trauma stemmed from that moment and got twisted and awful and terrifying and wrong so fast, and didn't stop until almost a year later. It's 'aftershock' would then continue on until now.

So I wrote him the letter. I'm going to keep it until looking at it no longer means anything to me. Maybe one day I'll actually get my face to face with him and can be satisfied that I said all I needed to say and that he didn't have any affect on me anymore.

I don't know how I stumbled on this song today, it kind of caught me off guard that it was just there in front of me. It's Damaged by the group Plumb.

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I can't go back
I must go on

I know that the only way I can get beyond this is through Christ. It makes me angry that after 11 years I can still be sent backward, and that this still affects so many different aspects of my life. But I have to rely on my knowing that I'm just not strong enough on my own, and that's ok. I know God can restore me, I know I can go on. Just wish it was sooner that later...

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 31:24 (NKJV) Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

And all I go through, it leads me to You..

I'm not Alright by Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

[Chorus:]
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong.

[Chorus:]

I'm not alright... that's why I need you.

PAUSE THE MUSIC TO THE LEFT TO HEAR THE SONG...



Verse to Ponder: Psalm 60:11-12 (NKJV) Give us help from trouble, for the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies.

A better perspective this time

Yesterday I went to see a counselor, one I had seen a few years back, just to talk to someone who wasn't so invested in me, so close to the pain. Seeing her helped me stop and think about things, mainly, that I don't have to do anything, at least right now. I can have all the facts, weigh the pros and cons, get a grip on myself - my emotions - before I chose to respond, or not, to this person of my past.

I can't say I'm okay with everything, in the last two days I've slept a total 24 hrs, and I've only eaten once. Not exactly healthy I know, but when I'm awake my thoughts get the best of me (I think I have the world record for being able to sit and stare at a wall outlet), and eating makes me nauseous. I know enough to know it's just a defense mechanism. My mind is having my body take over so I don't get hurt. I just have to fight against it, because I know what comes next if I give in and become on true 'auto-pilot'. I begin to shut down. I've already seen the signs. I have no drive to do anything, clean, make lunches, have conversations, smile...I can literally just 'turn off' in the middle of mundane tasks, and it scares me.

I have chosen to continue writing here. I am not naive enough to think that no one is reading this, but I'm not writing it for that reason. Sure, if something read here helps you understand something or someone, I'm grateful for that. But mostly, writing about all of this is something I'm doing to help me process, like writing a journal. I know I can't be too personal, but giving details isn't necessary to 'get outside my head' on this.

I am praying that I will be able to come through this, to for once begin a new story. I've been 'victim' for so long, and I'm just tired. And as my husband made me painfully aware last night, my son is of the age to know that I'm hurting, know something has changed, and I'm responsible for affecting him.

I'm trying. I catch myself with rapid-fire thoughts full of mixed emotions and I stop and change course. It doesn't work every time, but it's a start. I also thought today for the first time in 11 years...I want to see him. I want to be face to face with him and let him know everything, to really let him know just what he's asking of me. I want to know I'm not scared of him, not even angry at him anymore. I want to see him and feel nothing. I want closure.

But I know I'm probably just reacting. Seeing him may do the opposite and send me back down a direction I don't want to go. I don't know. I just know this time around, I want to DO something, make change, have the book closed so I can finally be free of all of this and move on. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this keeps coming up for me to deal with after all of this time because I am now supposed to actually DEAL with it. If I do nothing, will I forever be trapped in this pain, forever wondering? If I answer in anger, will it solve anything? If I do what he wants, will it bring me peace, or will I regret it? I want to be right. I want a clear answer as to what I should do.

In reading today I ran across a Psalm that touched my heart. It's what I've been begging God for during the last two days.

Verses to Ponder: Psalm 69:14-18 (TNIV) Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.

And it all falls down....

******WRITTEN LAST NIGHT*******

I was trying to think of why I sometimes go through life on eggshells, thinking things have gotten "too good", and the bottom is about to fall out. I know it's not biblical, I know my beliefs, and I know it's not right (correct) or true feeling that way, but it has to stem from somewhere...

I think I know why now.

This afternoon I opened my myspace and saw an email. I began to read it and my heart sank. I became nauseous, I stood, the color draining from my face as hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. I slowly walked upstairs to my husband because I felt like I was crumbling; at any minute I would just shatter in a million pieces on the floor. He saw my shocked face, my hands and body visibly shaking and immediately began to ask what was wrong, were the kids okay, what was going on...I couldn't speak. When I did he couldn't hear me, it was as if my throat was clinched up so I couldn't dare utter the words..."HE emailed me."

My husband didn't understand and went downstairs to the computer to see. He was immediately angry. This person who's many actions had sent a wake through the next 11 years of my life, and of those that care for me so profoundly, that mention of his name, even attached to strangers can cause me to flinch. The initial act in itself may not have been what has scarred me so deeply, but the way my life would be affected in so many ways, by so many events and so many people following it, did. The act itself was the catalyst, the 'ground zero' of everything else that was to come.

And here on my laptop, I could almost hear his voice as he spoke to me in his letter. Basically, he asked that I help him. He pleaded that I help him erase this past so he could go on in his life to be a good father, to his 18 month old little girl. Without my help (supposedly) he wouldn't have the options of being a coach, being on the PTA, etc. He apologized for the first time ever and he said he wished me and those I love the best. It seemed genuine, but I was wrought with so many different emotions so quickly, my head was spinning (literally, it made me ill).

The weird thing is, if I'm honest, for the first time in 11 years, I feel sorry for him. Over the years triggers of this past have sent my mind and body over the edge, barely making it back, although when I do, I've made it back stronger every time. Two years ago when I fell backward, I relived rage, anger, guilt, fear, paranoia, etc. Today, although my body became ill and the tears have yet to dry completely, I feel closer to forgiveness than I have ever been. I have kept myself in a prison all these years, trapped by the way my memories have made me feel. Thinking about forgiving him, or any of the many who transgressed against me seemed...obscene. But today, today I am closer in my walk with Christ. I know it may sound trite, or even naive, but it's true. Today I felt sorry for him. Today I wanted to forgive him.

Don't get it twisted, I don't feel like he deserves that from me, but it became obvious in his letter that he had no idea how the cards fell after the 'event', he had no clue as to what all happened. And I do know that he was 'messed up' at the time, for lack of better words. Should one mistake of his past ruin the life of his little girl? Should it continue to ruin mine?

Thinking of signing anything that would clear him of his guilt, or of his charges is enough to make my stomach turn. But I know and he knows what happened that night and no piece of paper is going to change that. What I do know is that the way I've been 'going about it' all these years, trying to repress memories, hide behind my pain, hide behind a false tough exterior, move away, ignore it, or when I decided to dive deep in my sorrow, and live the emotions out raw and uncut, or the times I chose to self-medicate, the times I tried to terminate my life, the times I shut everyone out, lost trust, got lost in anger, fear, hurt, rage, anger, denial, anger, guilt, anger, worry, pain..pain, pain.

None of it ever worked.

Now I'm willing, I didn't say the decision is made, but I am willing to entertain the idea of forgiveness. I'm willing to think about signing whatever it is that needs to be signed (directly through a court, of course). Maybe I can just erase all of this with one piece of paper. Maybe I can just wipe the slate clean...I keep thinking that I've been forgiven, Jesus can forgive and give grace and mercy. Why can't I? It's definitely a different, and hopeful approach this time, and will mean more for me than I can assume ever for him. And for once it puts it in my control. So much had been taken from me over those years, and this...this is MY decision. Giving him the grace and mercy and forgiveness he doesn't deserve, I hope, can bring me peace.

This time I'm not going to start with anger, I'm not going to end with fear. This time I'm going to do it as I know Jesus would have done for me, what I know he HAS done for me. I'm striving to be more like him, right? Isn't that the point?

So to answer what I said in the beginning, I know why I keep thinking the bottom is going to fall out when things seem to be going good...because every time I get closer to God, Satan attacks me in a big, big way. This time, I'm going to realize it head on, and know to cling to God through this storm and tell Satan, "GET BEHIND ME!" (Matthew 16:23)

Verses to Ponder: Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV) Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

First Day of School

Today was my daughter's first day of school and my son's first day of 4th grade at a new school. We woke up early, had a big breakfast, read Philippians 4 (about not worrying, instead praying) took lost of pictures and off we went. I ate lunch with them and they both were so excited to tell me about their new teachers and friends and fun stuff they were going to be doing this week. After school we went for ice cream.

The night before I stayed up trying to get the visions of terrible things out of my head. I laid awake as a few tears would come here and there. I asked God for peace. Peace that my little girl, who still refuses to brush her teeth or wipe her behind on her own, wouldn't get lost in the crowd, wouldn't get hurt. To watch her walk away from me all small and beautiful and full of life with that giant bow on her head, I watched a part of me, my heart and soul walk away. I choked up thinking about all the ways she could be hurt over the next 12 years, and that I may not be able to prevent it, or help her through it, or even know about it. I tried to keep my mind off of it and kept praying. I got my toes done, went to the library, then had lunch with them. To see how grown up she looked at lunch was a small relief. Letting my son go just seemed so much easier. I don't know why really.

But all in all, it was a good day, we made it through.

Verse to Ponder: Philippians's 4:6 (NIV) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Going away party and STOP TAKING PICTURES!

So last night was fun. We had a small going away party for one of my YL girls who is going back to boarding school. We watched a camp video, all signed a framed pic of our group for her, ate cheesecake brownies and laughed, laughed, laughed. Then we had bible study, which was great too. Afterwards we went to Petco to purchase turtles, so she could release them...she talks about doing it...but turtles are $90, so we bought two white fish. As we walked around the store giggling and checking out the animals, the staff kept following us and telling us, no, we couldn't hold a turtle, no we can't take pictures of the animals, we needed to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep...blah, blah, blah.

Our last stop was by the hamster cages. Here we giggled because two hamsters were, um, well, 'exercising' together. One actually looked like it was trying to get away from the other...then to our surprise as they separate and start cleaning themselves, it was TWO BOY hamsters. One's actual member was exposed to us and the whole group giggled and fell to the floor or to the corner laughing, someone said, "I've feel so violated!" Well, two staffers come over and ask us not to take pictures...which we weren't so it was a strange request. But then they told us to be quiet because the animals were trying to sleep. We were all standing around the hamster cage again when someone said, "um, no sir, I don't think they are trying to sleep." Someone else said, "No, they are, um, playing." I said, "THAT IS NOT playing!" Then everyone fell in a heap and started laughing again. As we started to leave the store another employee said yet again, that it was against store policy to take pictures. YES. We get it!!

Then we stood outside checking out our fish and (HA!) taking pictures as the staff inside watched. The girl that is leaving named them Barnes & Noble. Then we took the fish to a nearby pond and freed them. What's funny was, they didn't appreciate the freedom, because they kept trying to swim back to us on shore.

(Barnes & Noble)

It was a fun night.

Here's a verse from our bible study time together:

Psalm 25:9 - He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Everyone liked this Psalm.

Birds and Bees

So I finally had "the talk" with my son last week. He's 9 now and about to start 4th grade. He's been asking questions here and there, and well, he's a logical, mature boy for his age and I thought better me than at school, or tv or elsewhere, so...

We sat down. I'm not sure how we even got on the subject, but after my nerves calmed down and I had prayed before hand, it really wasn't that bad. He made some faces here and there and listened intently and understood the concepts, pics I drew, asked intelligent questions...it went really well. He told me he hadn't heard it all before, but some of the words he had heard and didn't know what they meant. It took about 45 minutes and at the end, he said, "So...you and dad did that?" I said yes. But the whole convo I made sure not to crack jokes, or make him embarrassed, using the proper terms for body parts and explaining the act of sex and what changes happen to your body as all part of God's plan. I explained how it's designed within the constraints of marriage, and by taking matters into your own hands, it discounts God's design, and you miss out on what he intended for you, and takes away from the plan he has for who you do it with. I explained how the temptation can be more than you can bear, and it takes someone very strong to overcome it. We talked about disease, pregnancy, etc., and all in all he seemed to understand it pretty well, all followed up with, "I don't ever want to do any of that." I'll remind him of that when he's 16. HA!

Last night while studying for the bible study with my YL girls, I studied Proverbs 5. It talks about sexual immorality, within marriage, but as I found all my study materials, it showed that it also related to going against what God has planned for you by not waiting. For the first time I understood adultery on a completely different level. If God designed and sanctified the covenant of marriage, isn't it then adultery to go outside of the constraints of marriage, i.e. before you are married? Isn't it adultery if you compromise your purity in waiting for the one he has planned for you to love, within the commitment of marriage? Don't you wish Solomon had been around to explain it this way to you when you were a teenager? I do. It's going to be interesting tonight with the girls, I'm sure.

Verses to Ponder: Proverbs 5

My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your year to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.