Yesterday I went to see a counselor, one I had seen a few years back, just to talk to someone who wasn't so invested in me, so close to the pain. Seeing her helped me stop and think about things, mainly, that I don't have to do anything, at least right now. I can have all the facts, weigh the pros and cons, get a grip on myself - my emotions - before I chose to respond, or not, to this person of my past.
I can't say I'm okay with everything, in the last two days I've slept a total 24 hrs, and I've only eaten once. Not exactly healthy I know, but when I'm awake my thoughts get the best of me (I think I have the world record for being able to sit and stare at a wall outlet), and eating makes me nauseous. I know enough to know it's just a defense mechanism. My mind is having my body take over so I don't get hurt. I just have to fight against it, because I know what comes next if I give in and become on true 'auto-pilot'. I begin to shut down. I've already seen the signs. I have no drive to do anything, clean, make lunches, have conversations, smile...I can literally just 'turn off' in the middle of mundane tasks, and it scares me.
I have chosen to continue writing here. I am not naive enough to think that no one is reading this, but I'm not writing it for that reason. Sure, if something read here helps you understand something or someone, I'm grateful for that. But mostly, writing about all of this is something I'm doing to help me process, like writing a journal. I know I can't be too personal, but giving details isn't necessary to 'get outside my head' on this.
I am praying that I will be able to come through this, to for once begin a new story. I've been 'victim' for so long, and I'm just tired. And as my husband made me painfully aware last night, my son is of the age to know that I'm hurting, know something has changed, and I'm responsible for affecting him.
I'm trying. I catch myself with rapid-fire thoughts full of mixed emotions and I stop and change course. It doesn't work every time, but it's a start. I also thought today for the first time in 11 years...I want to see him. I want to be face to face with him and let him know everything, to really let him know just what he's asking of me. I want to know I'm not scared of him, not even angry at him anymore. I want to see him and feel nothing. I want closure.
But I know I'm probably just reacting. Seeing him may do the opposite and send me back down a direction I don't want to go. I don't know. I just know this time around, I want to DO something, make change, have the book closed so I can finally be free of all of this and move on. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this keeps coming up for me to deal with after all of this time because I am now supposed to actually DEAL with it. If I do nothing, will I forever be trapped in this pain, forever wondering? If I answer in anger, will it solve anything? If I do what he wants, will it bring me peace, or will I regret it? I want to be right. I want a clear answer as to what I should do.
In reading today I ran across a Psalm that touched my heart. It's what I've been begging God for during the last two days.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 69:14-18 (TNIV) Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.
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