******WRITTEN LAST NIGHT*******
I was trying to think of why I sometimes go through life on eggshells, thinking things have gotten "too good", and the bottom is about to fall out. I know it's not biblical, I know my beliefs, and I know it's not right (correct) or true feeling that way, but it has to stem from somewhere...
I think I know why now.
This afternoon I opened my myspace and saw an email. I began to read it and my heart sank. I became nauseous, I stood, the color draining from my face as hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. I slowly walked upstairs to my husband because I felt like I was crumbling; at any minute I would just shatter in a million pieces on the floor. He saw my shocked face, my hands and body visibly shaking and immediately began to ask what was wrong, were the kids okay, what was going on...I couldn't speak. When I did he couldn't hear me, it was as if my throat was clinched up so I couldn't dare utter the words..."HE emailed me."
My husband didn't understand and went downstairs to the computer to see. He was immediately angry. This person who's many actions had sent a wake through the next 11 years of my life, and of those that care for me so profoundly, that mention of his name, even attached to strangers can cause me to flinch. The initial act in itself may not have been what has scarred me so deeply, but the way my life would be affected in so many ways, by so many events and so many people following it, did. The act itself was the catalyst, the 'ground zero' of everything else that was to come.
And here on my laptop, I could almost hear his voice as he spoke to me in his letter. Basically, he asked that I help him. He pleaded that I help him erase this past so he could go on in his life to be a good father, to his 18 month old little girl. Without my help (supposedly) he wouldn't have the options of being a coach, being on the PTA, etc. He apologized for the first time ever and he said he wished me and those I love the best. It seemed genuine, but I was wrought with so many different emotions so quickly, my head was spinning (literally, it made me ill).
The weird thing is, if I'm honest, for the first time in 11 years, I feel sorry for him. Over the years triggers of this past have sent my mind and body over the edge, barely making it back, although when I do, I've made it back stronger every time. Two years ago when I fell backward, I relived rage, anger, guilt, fear, paranoia, etc. Today, although my body became ill and the tears have yet to dry completely, I feel closer to forgiveness than I have ever been. I have kept myself in a prison all these years, trapped by the way my memories have made me feel. Thinking about forgiving him, or any of the many who transgressed against me seemed...obscene. But today, today I am closer in my walk with Christ. I know it may sound trite, or even naive, but it's true. Today I felt sorry for him. Today I wanted to forgive him.
Don't get it twisted, I don't feel like he deserves that from me, but it became obvious in his letter that he had no idea how the cards fell after the 'event', he had no clue as to what all happened. And I do know that he was 'messed up' at the time, for lack of better words. Should one mistake of his past ruin the life of his little girl? Should it continue to ruin mine?
Thinking of signing anything that would clear him of his guilt, or of his charges is enough to make my stomach turn. But I know and he knows what happened that night and no piece of paper is going to change that. What I do know is that the way I've been 'going about it' all these years, trying to repress memories, hide behind my pain, hide behind a false tough exterior, move away, ignore it, or when I decided to dive deep in my sorrow, and live the emotions out raw and uncut, or the times I chose to self-medicate, the times I tried to terminate my life, the times I shut everyone out, lost trust, got lost in anger, fear, hurt, rage, anger, denial, anger, guilt, anger, worry, pain..pain, pain.
None of it ever worked.
Now I'm willing, I didn't say the decision is made, but I am willing to entertain the idea of forgiveness. I'm willing to think about signing whatever it is that needs to be signed (directly through a court, of course). Maybe I can just erase all of this with one piece of paper. Maybe I can just wipe the slate clean...I keep thinking that I've been forgiven, Jesus can forgive and give grace and mercy. Why can't I? It's definitely a different, and hopeful approach this time, and will mean more for me than I can assume ever for him. And for once it puts it in my control. So much had been taken from me over those years, and this...this is MY decision. Giving him the grace and mercy and forgiveness he doesn't deserve, I hope, can bring me peace.
This time I'm not going to start with anger, I'm not going to end with fear. This time I'm going to do it as I know Jesus would have done for me, what I know he HAS done for me. I'm striving to be more like him, right? Isn't that the point?
So to answer what I said in the beginning, I know why I keep thinking the bottom is going to fall out when things seem to be going good...because every time I get closer to God, Satan attacks me in a big, big way. This time, I'm going to realize it head on, and know to cling to God through this storm and tell Satan, "GET BEHIND ME!" (Matthew 16:23)
Verses to Ponder: Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV) Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
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