Do I TRUST you?

It has seemed too hard for me to trust people because of my past. However, I find myself slowly changing as my spiritual relationship evolves, and since my focus has been on Him, instead of me. I catch myself in situations with new people thinking a couple of things, are they sincere? and what are their true motives? This comes from a built-in defense mechanism of my survivalist human nature.

The downside is that this 'safe' life, the one I created to be 'free' of the possibility of pain or even the vulnerability to be given to another human leaves me shut off and alone in my own 'pain prison'. This also stems into forgiveness, and my struggles with it. However foolishly I feel about NOT wanting to forgive someone or something, it's because deep down I feel it gives them a 'get out of jail free card' that I feel they don't deserve. Again, by holding on to NOT forgiving and by sheltering myself behind walls I put up, I keep myself from what God intended for me and those lives I may affect knowingly or not. I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE for keeping me focused on that pain, not the person(s) who caused it and thereby I am in effect showing my doubt in God, by not giving it to Him to take care of.

I sometimes feel like Jonah, wanting to run away from confrontation, or in my life, even meeting new people and extending myself to them. But if God is my strength, and God can forgive me, or in the case of Jonah, forgive him for his disobedience and forgive an entire corrupt city, then who am I to hold this grudge against my past transgressors or those I meet in the future that I have already judged to have the capability of harming me?

It all comes down to fear. False Evidence Appearing Real.

I learned recently (from VeggieTales!!) that fear and confusion are not from God (duh). So if I trudge through my days with my walls and my "security systems" engaged, I am doubting God and not turning to Him for strength. I am also not reaching out and reaching others for His kingdom. I am being selfish.

I'm done being selfish. If you read the lyrics to the songs He's given me:

"My eyes showed the lies that I wanted them to see
I've created these walls in an effort to be free

But You came and You sacrificed
For me to live, you chose to die

And now my eyes are OPEN wide
You are everywhere, You are alive!"

Here's a verse to ponder: "Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you." 1 Peter 5:7

He gives me strength, He gives me peace!