My sister graduated!

Not that I was surprised. She's always been very smart and very driven. But this past weekend I got to see her graduate with a Bachelor's in Arts and Sciences - Cum Laude. We then had a party at my house for friends and family. I put together a slideshow of her life from birth and sometimes I can't believe it's gone so quickly. I am extremely proud of her (maybe even a bit jealous at her success - j/k)!!

Congrats Ashley! Here's the verse for today for you!

Colossians 1:10 (The Message)

9-12 Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

I spoke about Younglife today at MOPS!

What I said (these were my notes):

Read paragraph off of Younglife.org (on the What is YoungLife? tab).

My experience with YL in HS.

YL is a non-denominational, Christian organization that reaches out to youth. All youth.

Allen youth who are Christians, secular, lost, confused, kids that will tell you to your face they don’t believe in God, or they’ve given up. Kids that have just recently lost parents, siblings, been subject to abuse, are currently going through the foster system, fighting, crying out in desperation, only occasionally audibly out loud. And they are asked by a friend to visit Allen YL Club.

YL Offers:
Monday night Club – crazy “shock and awe” fun, music, message.
Campaigners- deeper study for teens who want to question, or want to share their faith. This is also where high school leaders for Christ are developed.
Camp - Camp is talked about all school year as the “best week of your life – guaranteed.” Some kids go because they want to deepen their relationship with Christ, some kids go because they want to know what being a Christian is all about, some kids go with hardened hearts, but still go because they feel like it will be fun. No matter what, they all get the opportunity to see Christ, through the leaders, summer staff, the fun, music and message. Each child will get a chance to step away from their trials, struggles, pain, fear, doubt or just over-booked lives and have a safe, fun environment to meet new friends and learn about God’s love.

YL started in Allen 4 years ago. There were 9 kids the first summer at camp. This summer, we have upwards of 90 signed up to go.

It is the goal of Allen YL to help kids that feel led to come to camp, that have financial need, have their needs met through scholarships, called ‘camperships’.

I used to think that mission trips where just somewhere far away like Africa. But I’ve seen recently that it’s here too, in our community, in our neighborhoods, on our streets, maybe even in our households. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it may not be me or my husband my children turn to as they get older, or if they or those they know have to deal with issues like these teens I’ve met recently are dealing with. But because of organizations like this, I know there are people out there filling the gaps. I know because of them, there’s hope that my kids can be reached if needed.

I wanted to share with you some excerpts of emails sent to the Allen YL director from Allen Seniors recently.

• YL has made an eternal impact on my life.
• It always puts a smile on my face .. NO MATTER WHAT. It's not here to judge anyone, just safe, crazy, fun environment for us students to unwind in our busy lives!!
• YL has truly shown me that living with god is not a drag but a full-filling experience and since I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior at YL camp last summer I have had a better quality of life and would never trade my YL experience for anything.
• YL has changed my life in more ways than one. It's taught me that you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a Christian and to have a healthy relationship with God, but rather that God loves you in spite of those imperfections. YL has taught me to live life to the fullest and be 100% you no matter what.
• God has become my foundation, and YL was the miraculous tool that built-up the intimate relationship I share with Christ today. A true experience that I've been given and that I will also continue to give!

YL is locally funded and volunteer based. As with any outreach, it has needs that begin with prayer. Surround the youth with prayer. Please also pray for its leadership. With upwards of 100 kids for some club nights, and only 7-8 active leaders, there is a great need. Also, please pray for financial support.

The cost of Camp is $650 for the week for the students. My goal is to help raise the cost of camp for one child with financial need. If you would like to be part of this goal:

‘Give change to Bring Change’ Jar, can bring to next meeting. Get the whole family involved for Allen teens. Several months ago, my kids and I went on a hunt and found $70 in change in bedroom closets, under beds, in the couch and in the car.

If you need to eat on Monday, May 19^th, you are invited to join us at Tin Star in Allen! Just eat and put my name, Brittany Carpenter, or a specific camper if you know one, on the receipt/sign in sheet. $3 from every guest receipt goes toward campers with financial need.

If you feel like you may be led to make a donation, in any amount, it’s tax deductible. Checks can be made to Allen Young Life, or you can give online at http://sites.younglife.org/sites/Allenarea/Donors.aspx. Just make sure you specify ‘campership’ online on the Allen Club Page with my name (Brittany Carpenter), or specific camper’s name, or write it in the memo of your check. The deadline for camperships is June 8^th.

If you would like more info about YL or how you might help, you can find me, email me at brittcarp@yahoo.com or go to their website at younglife.org, and search for the Allen Club page.

Whatever You're Doing ...

I know I've been writing a lot lately about changes I'm seeing in me. Last night I watched 'Reign Over Me' with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It's a drama about a man who lost his wife and three daughters during the 9/11 attacks and his response to the pain following it several years later. It shows how those around him want to help, even with his isolation and frequent outbursts. It portrays a very real portrait of post traumatic stress disorder.

I was watching it in shock because I feel like I've been there. Events of my youth beyond my control led me to have the same pain and the same physical and mental characteristics, trying to block out, isolation, denial, guilt, anger, separation from friends and family, etc. But looking at it now, it feels just as fresh as back then, but at the same time, I feel like now I'm on the other side of it. I feel like if I were to meet me in that situation then, I wouldn't recognize myself. I remember thinking that I would never be the same person again, that I had lost my personality, my identity. I sometimes thought I was crazy, and sometimes I would get lost in my rapid cycling thoughts for hours on end in silence replaying events, convincing myself I was to blame for some reason, or maybe it never even happened at all. But seeing that movie and knowing what I do now about so many others who have gone through similar events, to see that step by step, by the book their bodies and minds react almost identically in the same way tells me that I am normal. It also gives me hope that they will be able to find their way too.

Even until very recently, I had been blocking my past, thinking that if I could ignore it, it would just go away. If I could compartmentalize it, and not let anyone in, then I could move forward. But it's always going to be there, it's part of me now, it doesn't define me anymore, but it is part of my makeup that has made me who I am today.

I've had a hardened heart for so long. I know this. I've worn the fact that I couldn't cry, or feel empathy as a badge. Not caring meant I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain again. Not getting too close to anyone but my small circle that's always been there meant I didn't have to extend trust to someone, which in my mind had meant opening the door to being betrayed again. But lately, I've been closer to knowing God, seeking Him at every turn, finding what He has planned for me. And now, I cry in the tanning bed thinking about how much He has blessed me, how He has shown me mercy and grace, how I'm so humbled to be His servant. Though I feel like I don't deserve it at times, I know I am precious to Him and that He hurts when I hurt, He cries when I cry. He was there when I was hurting, I just didn't turn to Him. He didn't punish me, He allowed it to happen so I could grow and reach out to Him, know Him and love Him. He carried me through it so I could tell the world.

I also heard a song yesterday for the first time with lyrics that I feel were written for me. The song is Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 34:18 (NLT) "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Good stuff in Good stuff out

I've been thinking more lately about my conviction, and how I can see my 'overflow' and actions, etc. changing. It's not out of guilt really, it's more out of, for lack of a better explanation, love. I know it hasn't always been this way, and it may not stay, or at least I have to understand that I might not be consistent, but I know it starts with a closer relationship with God. I start to read more, study, pray, build my faith and then He starts to mold to be what He intended for me to be.

Part of this has been small changes lately, like the kinds of talk I allow myself to get into, to the types of TV shows and radio I expose myself too. It DIRECTLY effects my thoughts and actions, I've seen it clearly lately. Just like the rain makes me sleepy and glum. What I do, expose myself too or take part in, even indirectly, has a direct result on who I am, changes me.

I was told an analogy a long time ago that has stuck with me, and now I tell it to my oldest kid. It had to do with my teenage years and what I wanted to be part of, or who I wanted to be with.

One day a brother and sister came home and asked their dad if they could go to a concert with their friends. They were both not able to drive and the father knew about the concert, it's rampant drug use among those that attended, that the bands playing openly denounced Christ and glorified sin. He told his kids that he didn't want them to go because he feared for their safety and didn't want them to take part in the activities they all knew would be there. The kids came back with how unfair it was, and that they didn't take part in the drug use, that they would only be passengers in the car and that they didn't like the lyrics to the songs, or the intention of the artists to reach their audience with a sinful message, they just liked the 'beat'. It wouldn't affect them.

The next day the two kids came home from school and the second they opened the door they smelled the sweet smell of freshly baked brownies. When they got to the kitchen the father had set the table and asked them to sit. He asked if they would like the brownies. Of course!! They grabbed plates and started to dive in. He stopped them short and said, I should be fair and honest and let you know that I baked these delicious brownies with just a small amount of dog poo in them. I mixed it up, so you probably won't even taste it. The kids looked at him like he was crazy. He continued to tell them, it's just a pinch, it probably won't hurt you too terribly, and you might not even notice the taste at first. The kids saw now that he was serious and dropped their plates. The father looked at them and asked them what the problem was, why they weren't enjoying the treat. Of course, they sounded their disgust and objections. The father took the brownies and threw them in the trash. He then explained how 'just a little' of a bad thing can ruin everything you have going for you, that saying that you will ignore the parts of an activity or pretend not to be actively involved in something you know is wrong could produce a bad result. It wasn't that he didn't want his kids to have friends, to love and pray for those they knew were headed down the wrong path, but to expose themselves and join in things that they knew would compromise their character and beliefs was wrong, and just like they wouldn't eat the tainted brownies, even though the taste and smell may have been great, they shouldn't take part in the concert or other situations like it.

SO, good stuff in, good stuff out. I've already talked about 'overflow' in a previous blog. But now I'm seeing the direct effect of my choices. I'm going to stay away from situations I know might harm me. I have to try not to lie or hide what I believe (in my words AND actions). I have to try not to hide parts of me around certain people. I have to try not to be a chameleon and talk like them, act like them, but just be me, do what I do, believe what I believe and hope that we can all learn something from each other. That's what I hope. I hope I'm putting the right stuff in and turning away from the rest. Not just for me, but so I don't cause someone else to stumble, or cause them pain.

Besides, it's not like I can hide myself from the only One that matters anyway, He knows me better than I do.

Verse to ponder: John 12:22 (NIV) "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light. "

YL – Blacklight Club

YL – Blacklight Night

So last night was pretty awesome. We had club at my home church in the youth room. I was given a couple cans of black light spray paint and I sprayed the kid’s hair and clothes as they walked in. Blacklights filled the room and set the tone for the evening.

We played a game with vaseline and glow in the dark cotton balls on our noses (running around trying to blow the cotton off of other’s noses), black light dodge ball, a ‘mosh – pit’ type game where students in reflective tape on glowing pool rafts were passed down rows of kids on the floor. Later ‘dancers’ in all black with glowing strands taped to their clothes like glow-in-the-dark skeletons came out and danced and threw glow-in-the-dark necklaces at the crowd. The band played a few songs to pump up the kids even more, and then the director asked me to come on stage and tell a little about myself as a new leader. After 30 seconds of “uh, well, let’s see, and then, so, and…” – I’m usually a pretty good speaker, but wow - he finally relieved me (or so I thought). He handed the kids cans of silly string, more black light spray paint and bottles of glow-in-the-dark liquid paint that was really more like cold snot. All the leaders sat in a row of chairs and the kids covered us in a mountain of the stuff, then they took pictures.

At the end, “Phat Matt” (leader) had a kid volunteer to drink a glass of a really hot thick substance and talked about when he was little his parents tried to warn him not to eat the hot sauce at restaurants, but he felt like they were just out to ‘jip’ him. He talked about how he used to think that God was a “cosmic kill-joy” and that even though he loved God, he followed his friends and led his life for worldly things, like drinking and girls. After conviction consumed him, and a close friend of his in college passed unexpectedly in the night, he started to change. He said, “Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t promised, all you have in this world is today.” He came to realize that a relationship with Christ is not restricting; it’s amazing, just like they show the kids every Monday at Club. It’s freeing and fulfilling, instead of empty and full of temporary thrills that leave you feeling guilty, wasted up and lost.

He referenced John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. He went on to say that the 'thief' is the world (and the sin in it), but God has sent his son Jesus, so that we may have life to the full.

Then he paraphrased his talk with a rap (he was actually really good!) I'm still SO amazed at how the kids are attentive and supportive of hearing the message put before them, and how well the messages are relatable (is that a word?) to the kids!

All in all, it was yet another successful Club night, and SO much fun. I didn’t go to sleep until after 1 am!

Verse to ponder: John 10:10 (NIV) “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Shedding MY skin

As I’ve been studying lately, and that’s what I feel it is, studying, questioning, searching for truth, I’ve noticed a shift. I’ve grown up in church off and on, but even though I know what I believe, I still don’t want to ‘take them at their word’, I want a true understanding and personal relationship with Christ – they were the building blocks, but I’m seeking the truth for the foundation.

When I go about my day my ‘yuck’ is made apparent to me. I don’t mean to say that I’m consciously saying or even thinking, I’m a Christian, I can’t do that! It’s almost as if my subconscious is now made more aware and I’m feeling ashamed of things. Not in a ‘guilt’ way, but more in a way that makes me notice these things and not be interested in them anymore, OR notice that the direct effect of them changes my focus, my mood, my ‘overflow’ (previous blog) toward others, especially my family.

Some recent examples are the shows I usually TiVo. I don't think the bible that says I can’t watch Dirt, but I’ve recently stopped recording it, because the thoughts it leaves me with are less than savory. It’s almost as if the ‘tint’ of my world around me after watching things like that becomes a little darker. Also, with the show Riches, I love story lines in this show, but the last episode I watched had "G-D" it in it over a dozen times. I couldn’t even get into it because I felt offended by it. What’s weird is that I’ve watched it since it began airing and I’ve never noticed that before. I know this isn’t the first episode that that was a choice word, it was probably always there, I just wasn’t aware of it.

Another example is the kind of conversations I take part in. I know gossip is wrong, I know judging people is wrong. Believe me, I’ve been the brunt of both and it was almost more than I could come out from under alive. But I’ve noticed that in conversations with my friends that they talk a certain way about a group of people or about a person in particular, and I’ve been so quick to be part of that conversation without missing a beat – ME – the one that doesn’t want to gossip. Well, I apparently do – I was just not so sensitive to it. Now, I’m more aware of things, holding my tongue, redirecting my thoughts, ashamed that I had been part of that before.

Yet another example was my focus. I focused on what I could be doing, learning, ‘being’ and I would put my kids to bed quicker, spend less time with my husband, so I could spend more time doing the things I thought I should be, or I wanted to be doing. I had a selfish attitude about life. "I-I-I-Me-Me-Me." Now, I’m trying harder to take time to get in the floor and play with the kids, to draw out bedtime, to put down the computer or the phone or my book to go and sit with my husband. To follow up with friends to see how they are doing.

When my focus is on God and knowing and learning, thirsting to understand, he makes himself plain to me (previous blog) and I'm beginning to feel like He makes ME plain to me. He makes me aware of things I can change. These things aren't restricting, they are freeing me. I don't want to be a ‘slave’ of man (or the world), but a ‘servant’ of Christ. And I’ll tell you what, Christ has always loved me. The world, well, it’s just as fickle and self-serving as I've been.

Verse to Ponder: Joshua 24:15 (NKJV) "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve."

You're not the boss of me!!

Yesterday my daughter was supposed to wear PJs to school. We have whole drawer of pajamas, but most are just old t shirts and shorts, or hand-me-down mix matched ones from my son. So, we took a quick trip before school to Target. As we were walking hand in hand through the store, my daughter began letting me know some things.

“I don’t want a pink one. My favorite colors aren’t pink and purple anymore, just white.”

“I don’t want a princess one anymore.”

When I was loving on her and telling her what a sweet little girl she was she interrupted and said,

“I’m not little, I’m a big girl. I don’t want to be little anymore, I want to be a grown up mommy like you.” (she calls all female adults, 'mommies')

“When I grow up, can I wear your clothes?” WOW.

After school it was more of the same. If she couldn’t get into a swing that was too high off the ground by herself, she would struggle for upwards of ten minutes before giving up to do something else. "I can do it by myself!" She certainly didn’t want any help from me.

And of course, “I call you Brittany now.” I objected to just that one.

Why was she so determined to grow up so quickly? Why did she now struggle against my help? Why was she ready, in her wise old age of five to forgo her youth?

It got me thinking about me. I am so ready to do for myself, by myself sometimes. I’ll just do it myself. I asked you, but you haven’t answered yet. Or when you did, it wasn’t the answer I asked for. I know I’m struggling, unnecessarily at times, but I’m a big girl now! I don’t need your help! I wonder if God is sitting there saying…”Yes, spread your wings”, or if he feels a tinge of sadness because of my stubbornness and desired estrangement from Him.

I think it requires a balance. I need Him, and I want to turn to Him, but I’m very, very, VERY stubborn. I fight against who’s in control and when or if I might need to concede. My actions often scream, “You’re not the boss of me!” Even to the detriment of myself.

It's just like how when you see someone you love going in the wrong direction, (maybe you've been there before or you have a better view of where it leads, you can caution them until you are blue in the face) sometimes they just have to find out for themselves and learn from their mistakes. Sometimes it takes the struggle and consequences for us to appreciate the wisdom of others, of God, and allowing yourself to accept the guidance.

One thing I do know is that He loves me no matter what, unconditionally. I love thinking of God as the father and me as the child. Just as I can’t ever NOT be Jaedyn’s mom, no matter how ‘big’ she gets or acts, even when she’s pulling away from me, even with the mistakes she’ll make along the way, I won’t ever NOT love her immensely. And just as I'll always be waiting to nurture and guide Jaedyn along, He waits patiently for me.

Verse for today: Psalm 23:1-3 (The Message)

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.