Whatever You're Doing ...

I know I've been writing a lot lately about changes I'm seeing in me. Last night I watched 'Reign Over Me' with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It's a drama about a man who lost his wife and three daughters during the 9/11 attacks and his response to the pain following it several years later. It shows how those around him want to help, even with his isolation and frequent outbursts. It portrays a very real portrait of post traumatic stress disorder.

I was watching it in shock because I feel like I've been there. Events of my youth beyond my control led me to have the same pain and the same physical and mental characteristics, trying to block out, isolation, denial, guilt, anger, separation from friends and family, etc. But looking at it now, it feels just as fresh as back then, but at the same time, I feel like now I'm on the other side of it. I feel like if I were to meet me in that situation then, I wouldn't recognize myself. I remember thinking that I would never be the same person again, that I had lost my personality, my identity. I sometimes thought I was crazy, and sometimes I would get lost in my rapid cycling thoughts for hours on end in silence replaying events, convincing myself I was to blame for some reason, or maybe it never even happened at all. But seeing that movie and knowing what I do now about so many others who have gone through similar events, to see that step by step, by the book their bodies and minds react almost identically in the same way tells me that I am normal. It also gives me hope that they will be able to find their way too.

Even until very recently, I had been blocking my past, thinking that if I could ignore it, it would just go away. If I could compartmentalize it, and not let anyone in, then I could move forward. But it's always going to be there, it's part of me now, it doesn't define me anymore, but it is part of my makeup that has made me who I am today.

I've had a hardened heart for so long. I know this. I've worn the fact that I couldn't cry, or feel empathy as a badge. Not caring meant I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain again. Not getting too close to anyone but my small circle that's always been there meant I didn't have to extend trust to someone, which in my mind had meant opening the door to being betrayed again. But lately, I've been closer to knowing God, seeking Him at every turn, finding what He has planned for me. And now, I cry in the tanning bed thinking about how much He has blessed me, how He has shown me mercy and grace, how I'm so humbled to be His servant. Though I feel like I don't deserve it at times, I know I am precious to Him and that He hurts when I hurt, He cries when I cry. He was there when I was hurting, I just didn't turn to Him. He didn't punish me, He allowed it to happen so I could grow and reach out to Him, know Him and love Him. He carried me through it so I could tell the world.

I also heard a song yesterday for the first time with lyrics that I feel were written for me. The song is Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Verse to Ponder: Psalm 34:18 (NLT) "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."