Wake on up from your slumber and open up your eyes!

Oh my gosh, the last post I posted on this blog was over a year ago! I promised to be brutally honest here as if no one was reading it, and right now that's probably the case anyway. :)

Today was a heavy day. If I'm honest this past semester has been blech. I'm involved and responsible for WAY to many things and havent been doing my best with time management. Plus it seems like the stories of the kids I work with are so dismal. They see no hope or buck the system of the FREEDOM that is faith in exchange for a life sucking existence. Sometimes its so frustrating!! I just want to shake them and say WAKE UP!!! Not because I'm being rude or I myself have it figured out, but because they are still sleeping through THIS world and not alive and awake in the life intended for them. It's for that I am concerned. Not for the choices they make, but for the heart that is behind it. I'm desperate for them to have the scales fall from their eyes. I'm SO anxious for them to know this life I know. Even when I feel distant, I'm still free of the slavery of this world!!!

I heard a song recently that I love the lyrics of:

Days; they force you back under those covers,
lazy mornings; they multiply,
glory's waiting outside your windows.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Tongues are violent, personal and focused,
tough to be with your steady mind,
Hearts are stronger after broken.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Take from vandals all you want now,
please don't trade it in for life,
replaced your feeble with the fable.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Sing like we used to,
dance when you want to,
taste for the breakthrough open wide.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Come on, sing like we used to,
and dance like you want to.
Come on darlin' open your eyes.
I wanna sing like we used to.
I wanna dance like we want to.
Come on darlin' open up your eyes.

We were invited to a feast! God help me show them they no longer have to wait for crumbs!

Alone in a Crowded Room...

So I went to the first meeting of a new YL girls bible study last night. I had had a particularly yucky week, seeming as though when people around me are frustrated with any part of their lives, they find the one thing that connects us (even though its not personal) and lay it on me in a personal attack. Or at least it feels that way.

So it had just happened again, right before cheer practice, and it was all I could do to hold it together. I put on a happy face and went through practice, then got home and realized my efforts were fruitless AND because a cheerleader got picked up 10 minutes after she was supposed to, I was late to my new bible study. I hadn't seen Dusty more than 20 minutes in 3 days because of work, soccer or golf, and he usually - with just one hug, diffuses my stress/frustration. I was really needing that and really missing him.

SO, I went to the study. We're going through this book called, "Lies Young Women Believe". Looks good and I'm excited, but when I got to the meeting I just sat, biting the inside of my cheek, not wanting to participate, although I had something to say on every point (shocker).

Then there was this question: "Got-just-enough-friends OR lonely"

And from out of no where this bubbling over pain came. WAIT! I don't feel lonely. I have a bajillion people around me at all times because of cheerleading, soccer, Young Life, church, bible study groups...But I started talking, without words actually formulated and then the tears came. What is going on?! I'm NOT a cryer! And WHY am I crying about THIS???!??? But as the words came, I listened. And I realized the way I feel for the first time.

Alone.

For the longest time I wanted it that way, to be cautious, because I didn't trust - or like - anyone. So I was this isolating hermit and that was 'fine'. But as I've begun a true relationship with Christ over just these recent years, I long for fellowship as He intends it. But now, with all my confidence, I feel inept. I'm outgoing, bubbly, funny, bold, a leader...yet somewhere deep down inside (because I don't think I've thought of it consciously until last night), I feel that I'm trying too hard, that those I'm trying to connect with - will just see me as annoying. Which must be why I have SO many surface relationships, and yet not one real invested, connected one. And with my mom moved over 2 hrs away, my sister moved to Mississippi and my best friend of over half my life moved 2 hrs away, my husband gone ALL THE TIME with two jobs, his coaching gig and his get-away-of-choice (which I support, well...most of the time -ha!) golf - I am lonely.

I keep thinking its my fault, for the reasons I've said earlier and that maybe my life is too busy (which it is) and maybe I just don't know HOW to connect, and keep connected on a deeper level. My years spent in isolation have left me disabled.

Then I realized, also through last night's group, that I've NEVER reallllllly been alone. I've had a 'boyfriend' since 5th grade, and had best friends closer than blood relatives before that. I went from the house I grew up in to a house a week after I was married.

I went to eat yesterday to a restaurant - by myself, with a book as a crutch. It was great time in the book (I love to read), but I still longed to hang out, even for just a minute with someone who truly knew me.

My challenge as I go through this next week is to try and find more alone times - away from work and out of the house to be comfortable in solitude, to feel confident there. I also will be spending more time with Him (in the Word) to fill my void. I know He's all I need, even if it's uncomfortable at first. He allows things for a reason, and maybe during this time it's to get even closer to Him. Through prayer, I know that in His timing, He will establish those deeper relationships in my life - as they honor Him.

So, I'm going to go get some (DECAF...ug.) coffee, grab my bible study and bible and find a nice open spot outside to spend time with Him....sitting on a blanket, enjoying the sunshine - wrapped in His peace. :)

Transit cannot be calculated between two points...

Ok, so like I said two posts ago when they found the "mass" - before I went into the appointment, which takes me into a city over, let me give a little background into...

One awesome thing about my OBGYN is that when I chose her, her office was 6 minutes from my house. Then she moved a city over and a whole lot further west. Now it takes me over 35 minutes to get to her office. The first time I went, I didn't know where I was going (which isn't a huge surprise seeing as how I'm so directionally challenged and all). So I plugged in the office address into my iphone maps app and started driving. It was so far away that I didn't see the red dot (destination) at all on my map, not even when I was at a stop light and realized that if I went just a little farther north, like less than 10 minutes, I'd be in HIS neck of the woods - let me clarify, practically in his backyard. I only know where this person lives because of when he tried to contact me. Now, thanks to my mom's lawyer, I know the color of his bushes (well, not really, but I know a lot). I started to feel anxious.

At first my body started shaking, as it tends to do with a 'trigger' like this, next WOULD be vomiting. But I just started praying, and then worshiping (singing) loud as I drove. I then told God that if He needed me to see this person, that if it would be for His will - that I wasn't scared (I didn't want to be anyway), because I knew He was with me; He was in control, and by the sheer fact of who He is - His plans and best intentions are better than mine. I told Him if He needed the worst to happen to fulfill His purpose, then....bring the rain. As the words from my heart poured out - my good sense was screaming internally to SHUT UP! But I went through with it and followed the purple line on my phone app literally into the lion's den.

Fast forward to last week. Making the drive gets easier every time, I find that I'm not anxious at all now. But when I arrived at my OBGYN early, I sat in the car and let my curiosity run rampant. Let's just see HOW far exactly I am from his house at this moment. So I turned on my handy-dandy Maps app and plugged in the two points with anticipation. What happened next shocked me as it's never happened before, and also made me feel like a child who's parent lovingly said, "No, sweetheart, you know that will do nothing good for you," as they protected me from potential hurt. I plugged in the two points and my map said:

"Transit route cannot be calculated between two points"

What? I thumped the side of the phone in my hand like it was some 80's computer monitor, turned off the app and on again (yeah..I'm stubborn) and tried it again. Same result.

I loved that moment in car - just me and God and the gentle guidance that showed that I don't need to go there. I just need to trust as I prayed for His leading, that He actually is IN CONTROL. Not me...

SHOCKER! :)

Relaxation, Revelation and lumps...

Ok, so to clear up quickly after having seen multiple Drs. since my last post...it's just a multitude of BENIGN "simple cysts". I go back to one Dr. in 3 months and another Dr. in 6 months. But PRAISE GOD! All's fine for now, you know....lumpy - sure, but great!

So here's the relaxation and revelation part of this little story I have to tell:

So Friday, even though I felt ridiculous, overwhelming (almost scary - like CAN I be anxious? Is it even possible if I TRY?? Ha.) peace, I went to 'get away' to relax, try and turn off and spend some time with God before I had to pick up the kids from school. So, I laid out by the pool - just me, Jesus, a clear blue sky and 92 degrees.

I tried to nap or 'turn off' but even at 92 (a pleasant and welcome reprieve from the consecutive days of 104), and wearing less than a yard of fabric, it still gets hot quickly. So I relocated to the pool's ladder and sunk my scorched legs in.

I prayed and was quiet and started noticing things...

The Bible refers to water in several different parables, etc., but their common thread is their correlation to life. So I thought about this giant pool of water like life. My life.

As I looked down to the bottom I saw this dark blue line in contrast with the light blue clear water. And although the water was clear in itself, my disturbance and that of the bubbling jets not only made the water splash out of it's containment within the walls of the pool, but it made the line that led to the other ladder (at the other side), look a lot less line and more like what I would imagine static to look like - if it could have a "look". Jagged, wavy, distorted, larger in some areas, jutted out in others. Hardly 'line-like', barely 'line-recognizable'.

I tried to still the water around me with flat hands on the surface, but even the slightest tremor made the line in that area beneath my hands seem like a dozen lines. I even picked up the water in my fists, watching my effort in vain and laughing at the revelation, because as hard as I tried to hold onto it, it still found a way to slip through my fingers.

But then the jets turned off. And I tried not to breathe. The water became like glass. Not a ripple.

And then I saw the sun reflect and dance as it worked through the water, making even the depths sparkle and shine.

Thank you GOD! How much is this like my life?? The line (God's purpose/plan) can look so distorted, distant, even unrecognizable with all the 'noise' - all the mess I throw in being busy, all the stuff I let bother me, this world's temptations and comparisons, etc. But when I'm completely still and quiet, leaning into God as far as possible...the line becomes crystal clear - and Christ, the SON, works in and through all the way into the depths, making it sparkle and shine for Him!

This is peace. This is trust. This is Christ, and His work in me.

I get goosebumps just thinking about it. :)

So NBD...

Ok, so I went to the OBGYN today. (how's that for personal!?) Over the last few months I've been having weird "we don't know what it is so we'll send you to yet another specialist" convos with several doctors. NBD (No big deal). To see the look of perplexed concern on a doctor's face just leaves you all warm and fuzzy inside. NOT. That paired with doctors that say when I ask "why the symptoms, where are they coming from, ....HELP!" and they say, and I quote: "Not to be short, but as long as it's not X, Y or Z, then I really don't care." (yeah...it happened.)

SO....moving along. Went in for my annual. You know the one where they are supposed to say, everything looks great - see you in a year? Especially since I've seen these very same people over and over for a myriad of 'we-don't-know-what it is-itis's' over the last few months...but no. More symptoms, a new 'diet' to help my symptoms, and now a mass in my right breast.

You heard me.

A MASS.

Could have just lost my lunch if I had had any, but instead I played it cool. It could be anything...a couple different types of cysts, lymph node, tissue mass "fat tumor", or even a benign tumor. Statistically 85% of the lumps found are 'nothings' - especially in YOUNG women such as myself - *wink wink*. But then she called in a referral to a Breast Specialist who works in a surgery center while I was still in the office. They fit me in for Monday.

Why the rush?

I was really ok, called the usual peeps who would be pissed if I didn't tell them about the 'nothings' that in the longest of shots could be 'somethings' (I guess they love me or something...idk.) and I had to go from there to the office.

I guess my 'keeping it together' was reading more like 'BS' all over my face. Because I didn't step one foot in and my director said, "what's wrong with you?" I told him as calmly as I could, watching him internally freak out, which made my cool demeanor melt to the floor. I tried to change the subject, but he was asking for all the details which I then put into a sort of 2 minute - cliff's notes medical history version to catch him up. I am grateful for him and the rest of my YL family though, since the proverbial beans have been spilled. (at a leader meeting tonight while I wasn't there.) They are my family and I know they will be praying.

I really am ok. I have peace. Tell me this news 4, 5 years ago and I'd still be crying, isolating, panicking. But the difference now is Christ in me. Seriously. Religious hogwash, you say? (ps. I'm referring to NOTHING to do with religion. if you don't understand the difference, then ask me.) Think it's bogus? Then tell me this. How do i have this peace, this trust, who or where does it come from? With my history of traumatic events and freak outs, meds and counselors, why am I now so self-contained? I tell you this because it's TRUE -

This is not my life. This body is a rental. It's not all about me (shocking! I know!). I have faith that God knows all things and since I know am a child of God (made my decision to accept Christ) and He created me, He is in control. If this nothing is really nothing, then there's something to be learned from this or taught through those interacting within this situation. (Maybe this blog post?). If it turns out to be something, then God allowed it. Because His ways are not my ways, His thoughts not mine - since He is the creator of the universe, His plans are well above my pay-grade. If he allows this to be the 'Big C', then there's a very good reason. Maybe if I sit and speculate, it's to show others how I cling to Him, maybe it's to bring me closer to Him, maybe through this trial others will be brought to the feet of Christ.

He promises that He knows the plans He has for me (Jer. 29:11) and He never breaks His promises. So I cling to the PROMISE, not what I can see or understand. (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I just ask God that He give me wisdom, peace and perseverance - the rest is just details in this blip that I am on the long time-line of existence. (James 4:14) If for a brief moment I can be of use to bring Him glory, to be used to affect someone's eternity? - then so be it.

John 14:27 - read it. It may seem like a mystery, this peace my Father brings. But once entered into a relationship with Christ, it's all that makes sense.

I am changing...less and less asleep...

I LOVE the lyrics to this song...SO true!! I can't wait to be able to play it on my guitar! :)

LYRICS:

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

[CHORUS]

You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things

[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

CrazyLove

So I'm reading (actually I've already read it once, now I'm re-reading it and underlining pretty much every other sentence) this book by Francis Chan called, "Crazy Love". The first 3 chapters were hard to hear, but a good prep for the rest. This book has stirred up so much about my faith that 1) I had 'spiritual amnesia' to (word he uses in the book) or 2) things I thought resolved that apparently are not and 3) a challenge and call to action for the way I live in my faith that has for lack of better words, spurned a fire within me. I'm so busy with my 'job' in YL 'helping' others, that I'm left drained spiritually and although my Bible gets opened in preparation for the HS girls Campaigners Bible Study group I lead, only then to the point of quickly preparing the lesson on Sunday before the Monday study. I look now and see how I was 'squeezing it in' and some how this was acceptable for me to teach/lead?! After reading (again) this book this afternoon, I read my Bible, Matthew to be specific (which is split paged between TNIV and Message versions) with such vigor and hunger and conviction like I haven't had in, well, I'm not sure I've ever had...

Beyond that, the book which laid out in often uncomfortable messages, caused me to evaluate myself and I'm challenged beyond anything before to do the most, with my purpose, (in my minute time here), as possible through ever tenet and tenticle of my being, of my life. To slack or do any less now seems absurd. Like I'm living as if I think this teeny blip on the long time-line of existance that is my life is of such importance that I arrogantly fall into worry about it, stress because of it, and am led to comparison of other's lives or things...it just seems so futile, shallow and ridiculous now.

Do I (or have I) really have the FAITH that prayer IS answered. (Understanding that the options can be 1) No, not yet. 2) No, I love you too much, 3) Yes, I thought you'd never ask and 4) Yes, and here's more...).

Do I really have the FAITH to live without concern for my life (health, wellbeing, etc.) here, without fear?

Do I really have the FAITH to ask God to bring it on, whatever IT is, if that 'it' is what leads me, my family, my kids, my husband, my friends, or even strangers to acceptance of Christ solidifying their eternity?

Do I have the FAITH to pray for not more than I need that I might not boast and not need Him, or not less than I need so that I won't steal and dishonor Him? To PRAY that I might live humbly paycheck to paycheck - that He would make it so that I would live that way??

Do I have the FAITH to sell/give away anything that makes me too comfortable and self-serving?

Do I have the FAITH to share about Him...even with the odds of being rejected, feeling uncomfortable?

Do I have the FAITH to not be concerned with my health, my pocketbook, my looks, my status, my education, my career, my parenting skills, my CONTROL?

Do I have the FAITH to forgive??

Do I have FAITH??

And if not, why not?

Here's a video from the guy who wrote the book - check it: www.crazylovebook.com/videos_stop.html

I suggest this book, it's in the library (at least where I live)...

Discouraging...

I came home this afternoon from taking the kids to do a service project no less - to find my yard Christmas decorations stolen. They were taken in broad daylight! My neighbor told me that she saw them as late as 12:30 this afternoon. By 3 they were ripped out of my yard. SO, I put up a sign in their place that reads, "Dear THIEVES, Please return OUR Christmas Decorations (-Mickey and Pluto)." I drew a broken heart and a frown face with a tear.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. The decorations were a gift, so we didn't lose money. I think it's for the reason my son was concerned, when he asked how this could have happened, how we didn't know, how they were able to come this close and no one saw them. I think it shook his sense of security and now sitting here alone I feel mine doing the same. I know, I get it, we don't NEED those decorations....but the fact that someone can come this close, right in the middle of the day, to do as they please with no notice, well, it doesn't settle well.

So now we have a new front porch light (which is ON) and our back porch light is on and of course the alarm is set and doors are locked.

My hope is that it was just dumb kids being - well, dumb kids. I hope the items are returned, if for nothing else but to make us feel secure again. :(

I don't see how taking someone's CHRISTMAS decorations can benefit anyone else. I don't see how that's 'funny' or how those people can sleep knowing they've become the grinch that stole.

Ug.

Break Us

Because of several things I cannot type here, I (and several others highly invested/involved) have felt persecution/offense, beliefs have been questioned, and much more that have me digging deep into His word and finding truth, questioning, searching and seeking. What it is that I believe? Is it that it's what I believe, or is it TRUTH? Am I willing to stand up for it, NO MATTER WHAT? Am I loyal/committed to a church, or Christ? Am I bound to a denomination because of my culture, family or geographical location??

So... I'm looking for a new church. Part of me is under the thinking that organized religion is the problem. Not for everyone, not in every situation, NOT all of them, but unfortunately those I've come across. To new believers, or non-believers, or stagnant or arrogant believers, these types of tainted 'religions' are the wall between them and a rawness, realness and freedom of a DAILY relationship with Christ. Christ didn't design fellowship with him and others (lost or otherwise) to be about 'face' value, facades, about being 'comfortable', about appeasement or judgment, about money or status, or about "dressing up" (figuratively or otherwise) for the occasion. We are supposed to question!! (Psalm 10:4)., We are just supposed to come - regardless of where we are! (Matt. 11:28-30) We are not supposed to put our entire trust and faith in man, or religion, but come together as a community for Him! (Romans 12:3-5) Jesus said Come, follow ME! (Mark 1:17) As a good friend (also closely involved in this situation) recently said to me, "This is not what Jesus is about! This is not for Him! If he were to walk in this place today he would come in knocking over tables!"

Now I understand the reasons for church, and those are biblical. We are supposed to position ourselves with like-minded individuals, we are supposed to join together to encourage and worship corporately, we are supposed to bind together and to reach out. (See Hebrews 10:24-25, Colossians 3:14-16, Romans 12:5, Corinthians 12:12-17) But in my life I have yet to find this church. This church without the walls of hypocrisy, judgment, arrogance and greed. It's unfortunate and discouraging. I get that we're all human, but leadership - in placing themselves in the position of representation of God, leaders of believers - there is a standard, a call, a life above reproach, a transparency, and an ACCOUNTABILITY that one must commit too. Again, as we are all human, I understand that even these called few may on occasion stumble, may need to be supported and helped. But when these called few take to arrogance and lies beyond that of accountability or change, then they have failed. It isn't to say they will not be convicted to change, called to action or led to repent/refocus. However, I cannot in good conscience align myself with those who are of the current ill, as it may pull me to their deception, or cause my witness to fail just by association. I cannot in good conscience have my family trust in or follow this leadership and teaching.

Please do not misread this as me being self-righteous! It's actually the opposite, in that I'm afraid at this time I'm not strong enough on my own to stay within something like this and stay focused on my relationship with Christ. I don't know enough, although I am convicted to hungrily dig in again to His word, into connection and fellowship with Him. And that is by His design, so I shouldn't be afraid of change, or of uncertainty, because these things drive me closer, not farther away from Him.

So, I will continue to try my best to search, ask questions, be who I am for HIM and no one else. I'll try my best not to judge, but be the 'skin' of Jesus, showing love to others - where they are - even if they don't have an immediate heart change. I won't shun, or condemn, I will speak the TRUTH! in love.

As much as it hurts to change, I know that God allows things for a purpose. I (and the others leaving) feel lost and confused, but I know they have a heart for God, for Truth and in that they are clinging to Him and digging deeper into His word. This has not shaken our faith!

I'm prayerfully seeking another church family for my family to become part of. I'm kinda getting excited. I know that we will find a home of His choosing that will allow my family to connect and be fed, at the same time challenging us to serve. Right now, there's a particular church I'm anxious to visit. It doesn't have a permanent facility - ON PURPOSE. It's beliefs are based on biblical truths and it's open to everyone, reaches out to everyone and works on the matter of the heart before the actions of the flesh, knowing that change will come from love, understanding and obedience. What a refreshing change! What if the whole world could have this understanding! I'm looking more into it, but here's the lyrics from a worship song I stumbled across on their site that speak volumes -

What if we lived as Jesus lived?
If we could give as he gives?
What if we pray as he prayed?
This whole world would have no choice but to change

What if we walked as Jesus walked?
What if we followed what he taught?
If we really lived as though he came?
This whole world would have no choice but to change

Oh, Break Us
This is not a game

Oh, Break Us
This is not a game

What if loved as Jesus loved?
What if in Him we placed our trust?
Invest in His kingdom, not our stuff?
This whole world would have no choice but to change

Oh, Break Us
This is not a game

Oh, Break Us
This is not a game

Break Us

Sweet Girl

Over the last couple of weeks, I've got to spend some much needed quality time with my little girl. With everything that her big brother is involved in, and Dusty working two jobs and my job and volunteering, plus coaching, lil J doesn't get to be the center of attention as much as she (and I, admittedly) would like her to be.

Well, last week she went under for dental work. I was a wreck!! But by the grace of God, she came through it just fine, and such a trooper! She is so determined and strong and independent, just like her stubborn mama and her strong grandma. :)

But this weekend, in the busy-ness of getting prepared for two games, me singing on Sunday, YL leader meeting, getting prepared for our upcoming YL banquet, etc., Jaedyn got a fever. Then she got diagnosed with strep. During this time, my "big man" went on his 5th grade class trip to Sky Ranch.

Since Saturday, I've gotten to snuggle with my little girl (something she doesn't do regularly because she's "busy" or only does it for a second). I've had the chance to read book after book with her (she can read!! Like overnight, it clicked! She went from "A" level books in class to chapter books in like a week!!), watch movies, cuddle, hold hands, smooch!, and generally enjoy being together as she stayed home from school. When we went to the Dr., we were waiting in the room and I was counting the precious freckles on her face. Many months before, I had told her that freckles were angel's kisses, and that's why she had so many! So, this day, without talking about angels, as I was counting, she said, "Mom, can you kiss my nose so I'll have more freckles?" I said, "Oh...! Baby,? Are you saying Mommy is an angel?" She grinned wide and shook her head yes, her gorgeous little eyes twinkling!

I wasn't excited for Jaedyn to have to go under in a dentist office, and obviously I didn't want her to get strep, but I see how even through these things God's at work in our lives. My daughter and I got to bond again and spend sweet time together -time I miss with a big lump in my throat today because she's back at school - and this morning, she read her first bible verse all on her own! As she sounded out the words, and read aloud, on her own His word for the first time, I thought I would cry!! She beamed from ear to ear after and said, "Now I can read His words!"

It doesn't get any better than that...:)

The ONE

By Eric Scofield, Regional Director
Young Life Southcoast Region

Sometimes we can see a crowd ... I mean, sometimes I do. I have been at camp now for a month. I have seen thousands of faces, heard hundreds of stories and seen hundreds of kids respond to the Gospel by turning to Christ.

Sometimes there is a kid who rises above the crowd. It is as if this kid represents all the faces. In Luke 15 where there is the lost coin, the lost sheep and the lost son — there is such a celebration of "the one" that is found.

"Leave the 99, and go after the ONE."

The ONE for me arrived last week. This kid Loren came into camp and was immediately an icon. He looked and dressed so uniquely, and carried himself differently than any of the other kids. He said he was an atheist. While sitting with me at lunch one day, he said that he was thrilled to give up drinking for the week. He also admitted to leaving his satanic bible at home for the week.

As the week progressed, Loren had so many exchanges with our team — work crew, summer staff, camp staff, assigned team — everyone was loving on Loren. Some of the summer staff guys even painted their fingernails black, and on the last day of camp put some eye shadow on to be "with" Loren.

Loren, who lives just down the street from camp in Williams, Ariz., met Christ and stood up at the Say-so to an all-camp ovation. (I had never seen this before.) He met Christ. Amazing.

He went home, and two days later walked the three miles uphill back to camp. He just wanted to check in. We greeted him with hugs and acceptance. He just wanted to see if this place was real — and that people were not doing all the same things for other kids. It was real.

Loren went to the Williams, Ariz., area Campaigners last night. He burned his satanic bible. He is thinking of doing work crew third session.

Loren is the face in the crowd for me this summer. What we — you and me — are about in this crazy mission of Young Life actually works. Kids are meeting Christ.

Thank you for helping this take place — thank you for helping us go after the ONE. In this case, Loren.

(In my quiet time yesterday God laid these passages (below) on my heart, then this morning I read this article!)

Luke 15:8-10 (Message) …imagine a woman who has ten coins and loses one. Won't she light a lamp and scour the house, looking in every nook and cranny until she finds it? And when she finds it you can be sure she'll call her friends and neighbors: 'Celebrate with me! I found my lost coin!' Count on it—that's the kind of party God's angels throw every time one lost soul turns to God."

1 Corinthians 9:19-23 (Message) Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!

In YL (and in life!!) we have amazing freedom in Christ and such a unique opportunity, that we get to share, walking along side – with and among – these teenagers (and/or others), just like Paul talks about, just like Jesus would have done. Our YL area has grown immensely this past year and that the idea of all those new faces can be overwhelming and can make us, as leaders, feel that our time spent isn’t accomplishing much. But I know that God will align each of us with that ONE (or two!) - We just have to trust that He will guide us to let His work be done in that student’s life.

Hide His truth in your heart and let Him lead the way! Wouldn’t it be awesome to be part of the party with the Angels in celebration of just that ONE?

Mountain Pics!

Click to enlarge.

"The Mountain" Part 2 (read posts below first, then above)

I probably twisted my ankles or slid or stumbled about every ten feet because of the steepness of the mountainside paired with the loose rocks and dirt (and my obvious lack of mountain climbing shoes! HA!). If I had it my way I would have done anything to get down quickly because I was hungry, dirty, tired and really needed to pee! But two of our girls were ‘in tow’. One didn’t make it to the top, but made it farther than she ever imagined (because of her physical limitations) and was waiting for us a bit further down. The other was the one who cried out of embarrassment the way up. I walked and talked with her first and last. We hiked down until we reached the girl waiting, the first girl went on, I stayed the slower pace with this one now. I prayed every two seconds while talking with this girl (for several reasons). I held her hand or her shoulders, at times she leaned on me for support when she had pain or was tired or hot. I caught her several times when she stumbled and nearly fell.

I was honored! I kept feeling like, it wasn’t me!! I was experiencing what it was like to be the hands and feet of Jesus. He gave me the words to say, even scripture! At one point I bent down, with no motive or plan, surprisingly to me, and got a handful of cold water out of a mountain stream to put on this girl’s face and neck. I almost started crying!! God was pouring over me supernatural love for this girl. He was showing me what Jesus would have done for her, for me - and was acting through me to do it. I get goosebumps just thinking about it! I was honored and humbled and in awe at what these moments meant, and who was really directing and orchestrating them – it was too much!! We got down to the half-way point and the other girl was waiting. I left this one with the CAT (golf cart-ish thingy) to take her the rest of the way down. Now I continued my slow pace with this other girl. It was just me and her now, and she apologized for crying on the way up the mountain and explained why she was so embarrassed. She said she didn’t want her peers to see her, sick, tired and unable to stay with the group, making her the last one up. She went on to say that prayed for strength, and knew what faith was at one time, but had lost assurance and at times had doubts.

God gave me the words again!! I told her she should be proud she was last, because in that, she was actually first. It’s easy for some, yes. Just like in life, but that’s not how faith is grown. Faith is believing - moving through around, among, over and into situations that are difficult and sometimes seem impossible – because you know who is in control. Relying on Him in those trying times, learning through those times to lean on Him for everything, is just like the mountain we climbed. In life you can take the easy route, or make decisions that would ultimately make your life (here) easier, or just plain give up, but that’s not faith. I told her what she did on that mountain was inspiring and surprising even to her, and should couldn’t have done it without the drive, the support, the faith to see her through. I told her to not look at her experience as negative, because out of all the kids on that mountain, she wasn’t last, her experience caused her to learn and grow, just like her faith in the ‘real world’ and for that, she is in first place. She said she’d never thought of that way, and now she was proud.

I was the last person down that mountain that day, the last on the last bus back to camp. God spoke to me and refreshed me and revived me and taught me about faith and having a servant’s heart. I was uncomfortable being met with applause at the end, because to me it wasn't something worthy of praise. It wasn't about me. It was about letting go, and being empty of myself to be used by Him. What I was happy and thankful and honored for was that I was chosen, given the opportunity to be a vessel, making that trek, up and down, humbled and amazed at every turn as we climbed, just me, that small few and God.

"The Mountain" Part 1 (read posts below first, then above)

The next day I found out that Zach was going to be ok. (HUGE relief!) So...on to climb a 14k mountain! Hardest thing I've ever done, hands down.

We had those in our cabin that griped about getting up early, griped about going, griped, griped, cried and threatened to go back. We also had those with serious physical limitations, and a couple who had come down with strep (diagnosed) at the half-way point on the mountain climb. There are 'head leaders' and doctors and staff prepared to 'take over' with these kids to get them up and down the mountain so I can stay with my other leader and the rest of the group. I could have, that would have been the easy, and expected (planned for) way out. But God told me NO WAY. Through the next several hours He helped me encourage, and at times, literally carry these kids up the mountain. He was my hands as I dried tears, he was my voice when I stopped to pray with them when they were sure they couldn't go any more, He was our strength when even I thought it was a lost cause and we should go back. We were 100 yards from the top (also the steepest part of the climb) when our small group had had it. One girl turned from the group and began crying at how embarrassed she was to be the last up, and was NOT going all the way. It took 20 minutes and all of us supporting her, but she and the rest made it to the top.

I can’t put into words what was on the top of that mountain. (I’ll try.) There were 360 views of breathtaking mountain peaks as far as you could see. There wasn’t one spot where you could see beyond them. It felt like you could reach up and touch the billowy clouds spotted amongst the sunshine. You looked down the other side of the mountain, a place certainly untouched by man because of it’s location and see fresh water pools and streams and valleys of green beneath the treacherous and ragged walls of the mountains surrounding them. It was in the high 80s (we were sweating) and we could walk to the snow peaks and hold snowballs. There were kids and leaders spread out on rocks, almost 500 bodies in a surreal quiet taking pictures, hugging, praying, crying. The sense of accomplishment, I think, was even sweeter for us ‘band of misfits’ that held the end line. As I looked to those girls who had only shown their ‘darkness’, their bitterness – the ones who rolled their eyes, made snide remarks or flat out refused to join us, but were coerced (forced :>) to, they had grins as big as their faces and tears they couldn’t stop. Our area director stood amongst everyone and saw what these kids accomplished and his heart seemed to burst! He cried and hugged us leaders and told us how much he loved us. It was truly a moment I’ll never forget. I bonded with girls on the way up, the way down was just another kind of awesome....

Read Post Below This One First...then the one above next!

Before I left for camp I was in "game mode". I knew the work that had to be done that week and I prepped for it, knew the seriousness of it and was ready to 'go to battle' so-to-speak. I knew in my cabin there were mostly girls I knew of - but few I actually knew. I knew our cabin was full of a mix of girls, unlike the other cabins that seemed to be tidy and neatly arranged. I knew that several of our girls were the 'Debby downer' type, or were 'lost' in big ways. I worried about the diversity of the girls and if I could handle the tension, or the possible distractions of the seemingly volatile mix. I was afraid I couldn't. I didn't know if anyone would be reached, partly because I felt inadequate, mostly because I was lacking faith that it would work its way out for His glory.

The first couple days are intensely packed with activities and leave an old gal like myself exhausted. In cabin time after 'club' (music, skits, speaker) those first couple of nights, we allow the girls to share and question and just get honest without our real input. I felt like I was struggling to connect and felt lost amongst the group. Soon I would find out that the other leader in the cabin felt the same way. I got scared. I tried to put on a not scared face for my other leader, for the girls, but I didn't know where this week was going and I felt frustrated that I didn't have control of it.

That afternoon I found out that my son was in a hospital in Houston, without his parents, and we were told he was afraid and anxious as the doctor's tried to find out what was causing such an adverse reaction (snake bite?) in him. I didn't understand it!! Why was I even there? I should be with my son! I couldn't leave, but I had checked out mentally. That night in our leader meeting we got on the floor in the dark and listened to a song play while we thought and prayed for these campers. I had cried most of the afternoon and just laid there in the floor thinking and praying:

God if I'm going to do this, I can't. I have to stop trying. It HAS to be all you. When these kids see me - walking, talking, joining them in activities, I want them to see only You. Fill me with your words, your motives, your heart. Empty me of 'me'.

I pictured myself sitting down at a table, but when the kid sitting next to me looked over, it wasn't me - it was Jesus. I begged Him to help me release my control, and for Him to take over because I was failing miserably on my own. It's like I didn't even realize until that point how much I was getting in the way.

(read the post above for "The Mountain")

First Committee Meeting of 09-10

I got to be part of my area committee (for YL) meeting last night. Well, it was supposed to be a meeting. We had put together an agenda, I was supposed to take notes...we were going to kick it off by having a couple leaders and a couple students quickly talk about camp to our committee.

2 hours later....

Every one of the leaders there spoke, an adult guest who went with us and three students who all talked about changes in their lives that were at points, beyond words, leaving only the grateful and humbled tears to speak as they streamed down their smiling faces.

I had no intention to speak, afterall, on Tues. of that week I found out my son was hooked up to IVs, anxious and without his parents at our church's children's camp. On Thursday I was quarantined with 30 others with suspected swine flu/pnemonia and strep. But as I sat there, I felt the urge, the prodding of God to speak. He revealed to me things I hadn't even thought all the way through about that week. I sat there shaking, my 'flesh' desperately not wanting to share, but my heart being begged into action.

So I spoke, or rather I prayed before we reached the 'pause' that preluded my words that my anxiety would cease and that my words, well...wouldn't be my words, because not only did I not know what to say, but had I thought too much about it, I know I would have fumbled, or been distracted or been distract-ing.

I don't remember exactly what I said, because again, they weren't my words, but the message on my heart that prompted me was this....(read post above)

Take a breather...

Have you ever just stopped? Not just to smell the roses or because you are forced to at the endless stream of red-lights or mid-afternoon traffic (sometimes I think I could just walk faster). But really ...

STOPPED.

Last night as I was practicing for my solo this weekend at church, thinking about the million things I have to do between now and then wondering how I would ever get it all done. Contemplating why I even signed up to sing, or volunteer, or work, or be a coach, team manager, room parent, etc. I became so overwhelmed by all the things I had to do; that I had to manage. I never have enough time to just "BE" with my kids - I'm missing out and they are growing up SO fast. And lately I've been 'worried' about my mortality. I'm not getting any younger!! And there's nuke threats from N. Korea, 2012 doomsday - if you buy into all that, my husband's job strike still looming, the fact that we are over budget every month, big business going bankrupt, global warming...whatever.

And I was tired.

I just sat on the edge of the tub listening to the rehearsal track through my iphone on it's dock and closed my eyes. "God, help me. Make these things I do be about you. Remove me from them, take control of me, use me, fill me, guide me. Remove my anxiety about everything else."

As I sat with my eyes closed listening to the song, I began to feel this surreal feeling. I just sat there for quite some time, listening to my breathing, feeling the blood pump through my arms, feeling as though I was surrounded. I was being touched on all sides, I was being held. I began to cry and was afraid to move. Yes, I had my to-do's and worry lists on loop in my head, but for those few moments I was quiet, I was still. God felt almost tangible, and I was overwhelmed by awe and love. It was such a surprise to have such an experience - and in my dirty bathroom of all places! I was paying attention for the first time in quite some time and realizing that He was there, swirling, consuming, breathing - all around me. I imagined that his angels took presence in my bathroom and filled all available space. I realized that it's like this all the time, but because I make myself so busy, I fail to notice. Because I continually try to take control, I am making their job difficult.

I know I am blessed. I have two amazing beautiful healthy children. I have a husband who adores me, a big house, a weekend boat, friends, family, a job. All the things of this world I could ask for. I try to make everything I am involved with be about Him - worship ministry, Young Life, etc. But sometimes I get "too big for my britches" and lose sight of what's really important. I'm so busy doing things about Him, I forget to be connected with Him, to praise Him, to be in communion with Him. And that defeats the purpose all together.

Thank you God for showing me what it means to just STOP.

Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

View from Her Perspective

It's been forever since I've written, I know. Just processing things and couldn't bring myself to write about them, part of me not wanting to deal with them, I guess. But I'll try to write more, starting now...

My daughter got a fisher price digital camera for Christmas, and although the pic quality isn't all that great, I was surprised at how much the pics she took told a story from her perspective, and they were very abstract and artsy too. Check 'em...










She's just amazing...just to think of her little mind and her little eyes as she explored her little world through the view finder of a little toy camera...makes me smile! :)

phones and trip

so I have bad luck with phones. Two phones ago I forgot it in my back pocket and didn't recall my error until the second cycle of the wash. The last phone I owned I believe had emotional issues. It would set off alarms at random times that I couldn't turn off and that weren't programed. It would tell me over and over that I had voicemail when in fact I didn't. And then the back just broke. It would turn itself off and on again and again because the battery no longer fit properly. So I taped it shut. With yellow and black caution tape! But regardless of the teasing I received from friends, family and coworkers, it did, on most occasions, do what I asked. And after all I never used all those other needless and frivilous programs of other phones. I just needed to send and receive calls. That's it. Or so I thought.

Until my husband surprised me with this new iPhone as part of my anniversary gift. He called me before I left to take my daughter to gymnastics on Tuesday and asked what we were eating for dinner. I told him I would call him after I left because I was running late. For the next hour I tried to use my phone but couldn't. It wouldn't let me dial out (something it had done in the past), and turning it off and on and plugging it in (my usual tricks) didn't work. I just knew my husband would be worrried not knowing where I was. I got home and told him about my frustration and he said he would look at it. He picked up the home phone to dial my number and I heard ringing from beside the sink! It was my new phone!

Now I as I type this-on the new phone- I don't know how I ever lived without it. It is genious!

So you know I always over think things, but we are going skiing for our anniversary on Thanksgiving to Keystone. Although I am super excited I can't help but be anxious to be away from my kids that long, and they will be on the road to and from Austin during the busy holiday traffic and I will be on two planes to and from CO. I haven't flown since 9-11. I just keep praying that we will all enjoy our trips and will return safely. But I am still nervous. I can't imagine my life without my kids and I would hate for them to have to live without us. So please pray for our safe travels.

Restoration

Choose "Beautiful" from the music list to the left, then continue reading...

This is what it means to be restored. Granted, I am still a work in progress, but I know sitting here now in this moment that I am what He promised I would be.

I guess I didn't understand just how screwed up I really was. Up until as recent as a few months ago, I still felt damaged. I felt like I wasn't able to be fixed. Even though I had grown up, gotten past a lot, I still felt the all consuming anger of rage, frustration, guilt of not being able to, or not wanting to forgive and just what that meant. I felt trapped by these thoughts of doubt, fear and anger keeping myself in a perpetual state of 'victim', even though being labeled that made me angry in itself. I could remember like it was yesterday begging God to take me home, and feeling completely hopeless to the point of justifying my acts of attempted suicide, self medication and self inflicted injury. I remember wanting to die all over again when I lost the child. I blamed myself. I never knew, but had I not tried so hard to end my life, I wouldn't have ended my child's in the process. I was unforgivable. I remember not being able to trust to the point of not letting ANYONE close. Judging people before I met them, that they too would find a way to use, manipulate and hurt me. I remember thinking all I ever saw anywhere and anytime was pain and anguish and because of that, I didn't think anything was worth it. I remember hiding away in my room, finding ways to isolate, to disconnect, to hide because I was broken and didn't have anything left to give, and what ever I did have left I was just certain would be taken from me again, used selfishly and then thrown back in my face as I would surely be mocked and betrayed again and again and again. If not, if they really knew me, they'd be disappointed or even disgusted as so many had been, or I at least thought they had been.

I remember begging God for reasons, blaming him, with fists in rage for all that I had gone through. I remember thinking surely I had disappointed everyone I had ever known, even my children and my husband because I was so destroyed that I couldn't possibly be worth anything to them either, and in fact was probably messing them up too. I remember feeling like a burden. I remember feeling like I could never forgive myself.

I sit here now, in tears. But these are fresh ones. These are tears of resolve, of joy, of the newness that has come through the ongoing restoration given me by the One that promised He would. I have been picked up, dusted off, cleaned up and polished. I have been cradled, tears wiped from my face, lifted up and set free. I have been understood, accepted, cherished and refreshed. The blinders have been taken off; the evil-filled glasses I once wore, removed. I am no longer damaged, because my King has already taken all that on for me. He cries with me, he carries me when I've given up and opted for my space in the dark quiet floor in the corners of my isolation. I AM FORGIVEN. He is my redeemer; He has started me fresh. He has accepted my flaws, my fears, my rage, my anger, my mistakes, my mistrust, my selfishness, my doubt, my guilt, all of what I mistakenly thought was my identity and loved me in a way I could never imagine. Because of this He has brought out my hope, my peace, my trust, my forgiveness, my will, my freedom, my confidence, my sweet celebration of all things that are worth living for, everything that he died for, and made me beautiful and new.

I watched this past weekend as teens in YL told their testimonies at our Banquet. I saw in so many faces and heard in so many voices exactly what I had felt for so, so, so long. And it clicked. I wasn't ever alone, I just chose to sink down into myself even though he was there fighting for me, waiting for me, crying for me to draw close to him, to return to him. And now, I have and I'm beginning again on the other side. I know it will take the rest of my life to really feel like all of this is behind me, but I'm so thankful for that, so grateful, because during that process I can only know him more, fall in love with him more and share everyday with everyone what He's done for me.

Verses to Ponder: Psalm 18:1-6, 16-20, 28-30, 46-49 (NIV) I love you, O LORD, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies. You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; I will sing praises to your name.