Weak? WEAK!?

Ok, so if you know me, you know I'm kinda impatient, strong-willed, work-a-holic, go big or go home kind of gal. I feel like I can teach myself or try anything I put my mind too. I try to speak the truth (in love) always, and can pretty much out argue anyone, if necessary. :) So when I heard from my husband several years ago that he felt I was weak, I about exploded.

Yes, ladies, my husband tried to sweetly tell me that I was weak. (Somewhere Mrs. Palin just cocked her winchester. HA!) Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis? I know, I know. It stung pretty bad, but over time I began to understand and adjust myself from his words of 'wisdom' given to me from his perspective of who/what/how I had become. If you've read this blog you'll know that some yuck (for lack of better word) has happened in my past. You'll also know that it's ripple affect has followed me now almost 12 years later. I had become accustomed to, even though I hated it, being the 'victim'. I deserved the right to wollow in my pain, to feel sorry for myself, to have someone else, namely my husband, help me through and regularly pick up the pieces. No wonder then, when I tried to exercise my need for control or independence did he suddenly put on the brakes.

Hearing what he had to say that afternoon about how fragile he viewed me, made me more than mad, but after time passed I realized it wasn't only anger from having to hear what he said, wasn't only anger focused on those who had hurt me, but it was also anger at myself for not getting out of myself long enough to get out of my 'victim rut'. I wanted to be strong, but the truth was, I wasn't. I'm not. But that's okay.

Three things happened since our conversation on the couch that afternoon. One, my husband is probably a bit scared of me, due to my reaction to his words, which were truly meant to bring my attention to things. Two, I realized I didn't want anyone to think I was weak, I definitely didn't want my husband viewing me that way, and I didn't want to think or feel or act weak any longer. And third, I began to understand how to shed that 'victim skin'. I slowly but surely started relying more on God. I started understanding then with my pursuit of Him that I'm not damaged, that what has happened doesn't define me. I am a product of mercy and grace, I can be restored. I stopped thinking I needed to turn to everyone else to 'fix' me. I stopped leaning so much on my husband for everything spiritually, physically, emotionally and started to understand that it's not his sole responsibility, and putting all my faith in him would only lead me to be disappointed. After all he's flesh and blood just like me. Giving it over to the One who said He always would take on that responsibility, would restore me, would forgive and forget and renew me, has empowered me SO much. I know it will take time, but I KNOW I can be strong again. I know I can hold my own again. I know He has plans for me, and I'm worthy of those plans. I'm no longer going to let my 'yuck' or my disappointments and hurt caused by others of this world to keep me down.

I'm weak, and I know it. But I can be made strong through Him. From now on, all I want them to see is Him in me.

Verse to Ponder: 1 Peter 4:1-2 (The Message) Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.